Sulking husband

[Mummalovesya]

For years now ever since my middle child was born my husband has had a career that isn’t very sociable.
i don’t drive anymore (I have severe epilepsy so I’m medically not allowed, my license got revoked when I was 23) which means the kids miss out on stuff as I can’t get them there. We live very rural so not many buses etc and have no family near to help.

Over the years he’s been offered numerous jobs to benefit us as a family , be at home more and fits more around family life, he refuses to go. For context he works 7 days a week, barely a day off and if he does get a day off he works from home in the office with the door shut 🤦🏻‍♀️ He worked all over Christmas , new year everything etc. he was taking work calls whilst the kids were opening presents and had to leave mid way through, came back at 4.30pm missed dinner and had to leave shortly after to go to the head office 🙄

I must say, when I met him I was in a career I had longed for my whole life, it was my dream career. I gave it up for him so i know it can be done.

I work now full time. My kids have to go to breakfast club and after school club , I literally get no help with that because he’s at work. At weekends when I’m working and he is , he refuses to help me cos he’s been at work all night and is tired so I have to end up taking my children to work with me or calling in sick.

The kids HATE him always being at work and hate that he’s missed out on so much stuff , he knows this.

He’s been offered a new job just down the road from us, the same amount of money for much less hours. The hours are literally a dream works around us and the kids perfectly and much less stress of my head. He’s accepted the job and handed in his resignation(which he’s done hundreds of times but retracted it) But all he’s doing is sulking.

Hes already planning to go back he said he’s jsut taking a year out that’s it.

AIBU to think he’s just a selfish twat putting his own needs first rather then his kids? I’ve given up my whole career and more for him and we wouldn’t have the kids we do now if I didn’t.

(This is a criticism of him):
I have no idea why you'd have a partner and children if you have no interest in either, and show no willingness to change things so that they benefit everyone concerned. Not to sound too drastic, but I really think you should give him an ultimatum: family or work!

I can’t reply to you all individually anymore sorry there’s too much,

No 30k he’s been on this since he started which is another battle in itself because they keep promising pay rises and it’s just not coming but that’s another story. I know cos I’ve seen his wage slips, and we share location so I know he’s at work which is even more fucking ridiculous cos he’s working all hours around the clock for a measly 30k a year. he does other work on the side aswell so he’s a plane engineer but on top of that he works from his online business (refurbishing old boats/parts and re selling them)

He does get overtime yeah but I’m not sure how that’s all calculated I don’t even bother asking cos I don’t even care no more.

my kids are 3,8 and 12

£30k per year is low for a full-time skilled job. It's barely above minimum wage. Are you sure that's all he earns? He can't really be working seven days a week as that would be illegal. If he is doing it to earn loads of overtime, none of that money is going into the family pot. I'd be very suspicious about what he is telling you about his work hours and salary. None of this seems to add up.

He’s a moron to work hours like that for a £30k salary. I would assume he is working those hours just to avoid family obligations.

It’s time to completely lose your shit. Ignore his bullshit sulking, he takes this new job or else.

Ffs, his actual hours of work take him to about £4 an HOUR. One THIRD of minimum wage.

Imagine missing out on life and your kids whole life for £4 an hour !!!!

thats fucking terrible

Guessing wrongly, it turns out. Have you considered apologising to the OP?

Have you seen his payslips? Engineers don't earn £30k and receive no pay rises. I don't believe he's working. He's just opted out of family life.

Exactly my point!!!!!!

I’ve said to him this whole time it’s not even worth missing out on your child’s childhood for. Far enough if it was a few more zeros but even still, nothing I was ever offered would make me work more then being st home.

Yes I am starting to think he just works now to get out of family life and he wants the best of both worlds.
I’ve told him today that he either gets his priorities straight or I am leaving and doing stuff for myself and the kids cos I’m sick of it and sick of all the false promises and getting my hopes up

But you had 3 children knowing you cant drive? So it is all on him and now you have decided what job he has to have so as he os not doing it on your terms he is in the wrong?

And you gave up your career because you chose too

I have yes, which makes it more of a fucking piss take

Why do you live rurally if it is difficult to get places without a car when you can’t drive? I would chose to live somewhere that suits my and my family’s current needs and it doesn’t sound like you do?

No I had my first and I could drive, and I’ve been under false promises the whole time. I gave up my career for him because I loved him and we knew we was going to start a family. When I gave up my
career, he wasn’t working in this job

What's the point in the marriage? It's meant to be enhancing your life.
He's been very clear that he doesn't want to parent or be around any of you, and sulking is abusive.

If you divorce you can live somewhere with transport and he can either co-parent, or pay maintenance from his £4 an hour job.

Because it’s for his job and I knew if we didn’t come with him my children wouldn’t see their dad at all and wouldn’t live in the same house and I owe it to them and knowing what I know now if we didn’t come together, they wouldn’t see him and again it was supposed to be a temporary thing

That is not anywhere near enough to justify his behaviour. Go up to him and say ‘dh, let me tell you something. You’ve always been a crap dad who avoided parenting and a terrible partner who never supported me. If you go back to your old job, I will divorce you, and tell everyone why. This is your year to earn your family back. I’ll be seeing a lawyer next week to plan in case you really just don’t deserve us. We won’t try and stay in the house, we will move somewhere actually nice to live instead of this annoying remote spot because i have prioritised you our whole life together until today where it ends. You will be an active dad this year.

And if the dc never see him again you know with your whole heart rhat you tried for a long time and he couldn’t be bothered and just didn’t like any of you enough much less love you.

£30k is a really low wage, I’m so sad for you that it’s only bringing home that amount for all your troubles. I thought it would be 90 min

My DS is 2 years out of uni, on over £40k as an engineer in the north of England. At his next pay review in a few months he’s likely to hit almost £50k.

I couldn’t stay married to a man who is such an idiot that he works all hours God sends as an engineer, skilled work, for £30k. That is ridiculous. He is being exploited and that is having a huge impact on his family.

So he earns 30k a year and is working 7 days a week and was answering the phone whilst the kids were opening Christmas presents? Either he’s lying to you about how much he actually makes or he’s working more than is asked of him.

First thing you need to do is move. Asap. It makes absolutely no sense for you to be living rurally when you can’t even drive. You’re making life so much harder for yourself unnecessarily. You’re cutting of the kids social life and your own and it’s not good.

If your husband doesn’t want to move or make changes in his life, leave him. There is so much more to life than living this miserably.

I be concerned he lying to you that wage doesn’t sound right! And he needs to start helping with kids

So many parents think this way and it’s wrong. If you stay in marriages for the kids when the relationship is shit and there is tension in the home those kids will grow into adults who will say “I wish you left years ago.”

Children aren’t stupid and they can sense when you’re not happy from body language and the atmosphere in the house.

Do all of you a favour and make some changes asap.

Have you considered not getting offended on someone else's behalf?

So you haven't? Interesting. Because your post was pretty fucking rude.

My exh was avoidant also, on retrospectively a low wage. I would recommend seeing a life coach together, who will speak factually about your situation without emotion. They will draw out various timelines (now till eg 70) so he can pick the one he envisages. If it doesn’t suit you and the children, there’s your answer. X

Is he a qualified engineer eg with an engineering degree or a technician (sometimes also called an engineer incorrectly)? £30k pa doesn't seem right. The average pay for an aircraft engineer in the UK is £42k -£58K depending on experience, and entry level salary is £35k-£38k.