Sulking husband

[Mummalovesya]

For years now ever since my middle child was born my husband has had a career that isn’t very sociable.
i don’t drive anymore (I have severe epilepsy so I’m medically not allowed, my license got revoked when I was 23) which means the kids miss out on stuff as I can’t get them there. We live very rural so not many buses etc and have no family near to help.

Over the years he’s been offered numerous jobs to benefit us as a family , be at home more and fits more around family life, he refuses to go. For context he works 7 days a week, barely a day off and if he does get a day off he works from home in the office with the door shut 🤦🏻‍♀️ He worked all over Christmas , new year everything etc. he was taking work calls whilst the kids were opening presents and had to leave mid way through, came back at 4.30pm missed dinner and had to leave shortly after to go to the head office 🙄

I must say, when I met him I was in a career I had longed for my whole life, it was my dream career. I gave it up for him so i know it can be done.

I work now full time. My kids have to go to breakfast club and after school club , I literally get no help with that because he’s at work. At weekends when I’m working and he is , he refuses to help me cos he’s been at work all night and is tired so I have to end up taking my children to work with me or calling in sick.

The kids HATE him always being at work and hate that he’s missed out on so much stuff , he knows this.

He’s been offered a new job just down the road from us, the same amount of money for much less hours. The hours are literally a dream works around us and the kids perfectly and much less stress of my head. He’s accepted the job and handed in his resignation(which he’s done hundreds of times but retracted it) But all he’s doing is sulking.

Hes already planning to go back he said he’s jsut taking a year out that’s it.

AIBU to think he’s just a selfish twat putting his own needs first rather then his kids? I’ve given up my whole career and more for him and we wouldn’t have the kids we do now if I didn’t.

He is an engineer. What kind of rural engineer is he that is on call Xmas day. I think you are being super vague. Is he a gas engineer? I presume he is getting paid a fortune to be on call over Xmas and New Year

Really?! That’s crap! For context, my administrator earns more than him.

Hes selfish and avoiding you all. I’d leave him. How do you even live with that rejection, let alone your kids.

He isn't much of a people pleaser when the one he made vows to is at the bottom of his list...
Intrigued to know how he will share dc after the divorce when he doesn't know them.

He has another family somewhere. No job is 24 hours, especially for just £30k. There is another someone else kept really well hidden (including the money). If his position was really 24 hours (which isn't realistic in any sense) then he would be on over £100k. You are being taken for a fool.

These payslips are not in any way correct. They have been produced to reflect what he has told you. The real amount is being hidden or are from a company that he is really working for and this real income is being hidden from you. He was missing for all of Christmas Day is also a wake-up: he was with his "other" family and this goes for all the time he is away from you at family time. Ducks in a row time OP.

30k as an engineer??? Sorry OP I work in a sort of admin type role that supports engineers and I make 45k a year doing that, skilled engineers make soooo much more. Maybe he is lying to you about what he does for a job.

I don’t believe for a second that’s his real wage for that especially if he’s working such long hours. There is something really suspicious going on and you should try get to the bottom of it.

Is he not embarrassed to be basically working 24/7 for £30k? What a mug.

I agree with other posters, there is something fishy going on here. Time to play detective.

My husband is an aerospace engineer uk- I just asked about wages with him, and he said on his site the forklift truck drivers earn over 30k. I know you said you have seen pay slips, but could they have been old ones? I really don’t think this can be right. My husband had a struggle with work life balance years ago (he is a lot better now) so until you said about the money I was thinking could you outsource more support - do you get to see his bank account? I’m sorry his behaviour must be really hurtful.

There’s all sorts of questions need answering here, 30k is a LOW WAGE, no one works 7 days a week and misses Christmas dinner for 30k a year. It sounds like your husband doesn’t even want to be in the same room as you, you are living some sort of lie, this isn’t going to end well be prepared

Theres something really off here... id agree with others hes opting out of family life..

My other half is an engineer - for context hes 28 and been in the same job for 5 years - started on 28k - its more than doubled in those 5 years.. (he also works 4 on 4 off so sees the kids loads!).

Your other half needs a different job

Time to move somewhere less rural if you cannot drive, you’ll feel more empowered and less trapped.
a frank and honest discussion with husband that he’s missing his children grow up. Working 7 days a week all the time is unreasonable. And illegal ?! Is he definitely at work ?! And for rubbish pay why is he doing it ?!
can you go part time with work to take some of the pressure off yourself?

Omg this hhole scenario sounds mental. You’re there under the misapprehension that you’re only there temporarily.
you’ve given up a job that you love and which sounds incredibly fun, engaging and stimulating and presumably very social.
youre now stuck in the arse end of Nowhere , unable to travel independently because you’re reliant on public transport.
You have a significantly absent husband, you’re barely seeing your own children because you’re working full time with kids in holiday and after school clubs .
your husband is chasing the dream of a pay rise like some kind of gabbling addict constantly putting more and more into the fruit machine and hoping for that eventual big win, doesn’t happen so he is playing higher and higher stakes , has lost out on a family life altogether and is (hopefully) at very real risk of losing his family altogether .
and his boss is ripping the piss out of him.
this sounds like one of those movies where the husband eventually loses his shit and goes on some kind of mad rampage.

something has to change and it sounds like you’re the only person who is able to make any changes.
Dont let your kids grow up thinking that this is normal. Absent dad working for peanuts. Mum working all the hours and trapped at home without transport , parents presumably have no relation ship , so the kids see your dynamic as a married couple?
even if they don’t hear how pissed off you are they will sense it and of course they must wonder why their dad finds more interesting than his own kids.
do the right thing for them and you. You all deserve better

Let’s face it, what dry cleaning place would be open on Christmas Day anyway?! OP he is spinning you a web of lies, wake up and smell the bacon!!!

Yep which is an entirely different and unrelated thing. If someone phones them whilst doing so you would reject the call if it’s for work, not leave and chat to your boss.

So, either he gets overtime and is earning more than £30k or he’s earning £30k for doing all these extra hours and therefore isn’t even getting minimum wage…

Nobody in their right mind would do this (I say this as a company owner who doesn’t even work these hours myself!). If he’s an engineer he should also be on minimum £45k as well…

Man needs to grow some serious balls or something in all of this is BS somewhere. No way could I be married to a man without a backbone who worked that many hours for just £30k a year.

You need to sit him down and have a serious bloody talk about life balance and the fact that time and money isn’t just about him, it’s the direct impact it has on his family. If things don’t change then you need to make some changes!!!

Although, as others have said, some of this just cannot be true and I think you seriously need to consider how much you actually know!

I’ve just re-read some of your earlier posts and I saw that you said he does get paid overtime. Do you see this money? Does this money go into a joint account? With the amount of overtime he works (if indeed he is actually working), he ought to be bringing in stacks of money, not just a couple of thousand a month.

Seriously... what errand could he possibly be running on Christmas day? Did he tell you what it was?

😳 that’s not well paid, certainly not working 7 days a week. He clearly hates having a family… LTB and move somewhere more urban. I’m thinking he has a second family, no job needs you to work 7 days a week even at Christmas when you’re meant to be off. You’re either working or not.

The amount of women who put up with this kind of s**t is unbelievable. Trouble is until you have a family you don’t see their true colours and then it’s like the frog in boiling water, only till it gets really bad do people realise. Shocking behaviour I’ve read about over and over again. Deciding to have a family, look out for any red flags, agree how you’ll parent, do they actually want children, or is it you, how you plan finances and what to spend them on, childcare, also keep your full-time job and make sure it’s well paid and save money for yourself.

"Engineer" could also mean a maintenance job, for example someone who fixes electrical installations. I doubt he is an engineer who does design work (like MEP or Structural etc) - they usually have time off over Xmas period, with the office closed.

He is an absolute idiot to miss on his kids growing up for such a little pay. Its not like he is doing it so they can go to private school and expensive uni, have their own houses when they are 18 or a nice saving account to help them on the way.

I have a feeling he doesnt like being at home/ being around you and the kids.

Easy to write hard to do with some men. They deceive before the kids, decide together to get married, have kids, share the load, joint account, both work and stay in a career, fast forwards after the kids come, they realise how much work it is and they start being more and more absent, work somehow becomes more demanding (either they find one or make up lies), woman stretches a bit more to cover, then decides it is too much, reduces hours, some who can leave their job, then it ends up being that the woman does it all, all the mental load on house running, school, activities, presents, birthdays, doctors, etc etc. and if they don’t things just not get done and the kids suffer. If you add the financial aspect, they are trapped. I know loads of women in this situation. Some are happy, love the housewife role, others not but hard to change. Again easy to say find a job, get financial independent etc etc but it is not possible for everyone.
but agree keep your full time job and be financial independent is the best advise here

It doesn't sound like your husband even wants to be part of the family.

You need to sit down with him and lay out his options. Is he in or out.

OP I mean this in a nice way but get some self respect and stop letting this man treat you and the children like crap. The ‘what and why’ is kind of irrelevant, it’s sort of the flip of the ‘he’s just not that in to you’, he got you to marry him and now he doesn’t feel he has to make any effort. If he remotely cared or loved you and your family he wouldn’t let work be a priority.

I know what it is like to be married to a (self employed) workaholic, he loves his job, works extra hard and does go above and beyond BUT it is never at the expense of me and the kids.

I think you need to decide if you want to remain an afterthought or whether you should get out and be happy without him.

Have you ever issued some sort of ultimatum?