Sulking husband

[Mummalovesya]

For years now ever since my middle child was born my husband has had a career that isn’t very sociable.
i don’t drive anymore (I have severe epilepsy so I’m medically not allowed, my license got revoked when I was 23) which means the kids miss out on stuff as I can’t get them there. We live very rural so not many buses etc and have no family near to help.

Over the years he’s been offered numerous jobs to benefit us as a family , be at home more and fits more around family life, he refuses to go. For context he works 7 days a week, barely a day off and if he does get a day off he works from home in the office with the door shut 🤦🏻‍♀️ He worked all over Christmas , new year everything etc. he was taking work calls whilst the kids were opening presents and had to leave mid way through, came back at 4.30pm missed dinner and had to leave shortly after to go to the head office 🙄

I must say, when I met him I was in a career I had longed for my whole life, it was my dream career. I gave it up for him so i know it can be done.

I work now full time. My kids have to go to breakfast club and after school club , I literally get no help with that because he’s at work. At weekends when I’m working and he is , he refuses to help me cos he’s been at work all night and is tired so I have to end up taking my children to work with me or calling in sick.

The kids HATE him always being at work and hate that he’s missed out on so much stuff , he knows this.

He’s been offered a new job just down the road from us, the same amount of money for much less hours. The hours are literally a dream works around us and the kids perfectly and much less stress of my head. He’s accepted the job and handed in his resignation(which he’s done hundreds of times but retracted it) But all he’s doing is sulking.

Hes already planning to go back he said he’s jsut taking a year out that’s it.

AIBU to think he’s just a selfish twat putting his own needs first rather then his kids? I’ve given up my whole career and more for him and we wouldn’t have the kids we do now if I didn’t.

Yep, someone I know is a store manager in a McDonalds - £47K a year they're on.

Some of this doesn't make a bit of sense, but if I were in these circumstances, I'd be putting my foot down so hard the impact would be felt around the world. No job is worth missing out on your whole life for, but especially not a job with those hours combined with that pay.

From just your opening post my first thoughts are that he has someone else at work and won’t leave to do a job that means he has more time to be with you and dc because that would mean he wouldn’t see his special friend.

When someone is telling you that they don’t want to spend time with you. Why do you stay.

Move away to a town or city where you and dc have transport, shops, schools and friends within a walk or a bus ride away

He’s either lying or he has mug written on his forehead.

What does he bring to the marriage and family (other than money?) It sounds like you'd be happier without him.

Something doesn’t add up here. £30k a year for an engineering job which requires working 7 days a week and on Christmas Day?!

It doesn’t make sense.

@Mummalovesya

This isn't about him sulking. This is 100% about the fact neither of you are happy with your life.

He isn't happy being part of a family, because I can guarantee you no one works 7/365 for 30k. I come from a family of engineers, and married one, and not a single one of them would have answered the phone on Christmas day, with the exception of my husband, and even then only if he was the escalation call that year (and he gets paid a lot more than 30k plus on call payments).

You are not happy being a single parent stuck somewhere you can't get around. Understandable, but you have allowed it to happen to you. You're also resentful that you gave up your career for him.

You both need to make changes, but also you both need to be absolutely committed to making the relationship and the family life work. If either of you aren't, it won't.

You also loved your career which you gave up. As other have said your whole set up sounds terrible. Your only perk as you’ve said is being married and having children. Your a lonely married single mother and your children sound like they are suffering too because they have this expectation there from a parent who is never around. I really truly hope you pop this bubble your in and move into a town see as you don’t drive. Get yourself a social life and drive yourself back into the career you so loved and lost. Sacrificing your life to this extend of isolation and your poor poor children all for a bloke who’s never around allows you to carry all the strain that comes with being a parent and you work full time too. He earns 30k. 30k let that sink in. 30k is the price to turn your back on your family responsibilities these days. Wow. Honestly it’s not worth it. You both chose to have children they are half yours half his. But I’m guessing the housework cooking cleaning and all the planning and preparation of everyday life also falls on you too. If you were my sister I’d get you to leave and start living the life you and your children deserve.

This is a divorce waiting to happen.

This man doesn’t want to be with you or the children. Time to find a home that is situated in a place that makes life easier for you and the kids.

There’s a lot not right with someone earning £30k and working these types of hours and refusing to change.

Wow all this for a 30k job. Do you want to be with him when he had no time for you or your children? I feel like there’s more going on here. An affair or he doesn’t want to spend time with the kids etc?

I honestly couldn’t be with such an uncaring person.

He gets paid well? On £30k for 7 days a week and ruining Christmas Day, are you serious?! How much do you earn working full time?

If you can't drive, you can't live rurally, you need to move.

What was your career that you lived that you gave up? Why did you?

How do you work full time if you have a three year old, live rurally and don't drive? Who is looking after them all day?

Sorry, this does not add up

Do you think he could be showing you fake payslips ? Try and have a look at his bank statements to see if they match.

He could also quite easily fake his location using a fake or mock GPS app.

I don’t think you can rule out the possibility that he did not go to work on Xmas day, but had lunch with a lover / another family he is spending the rest of his hidden earnings on

30k for a job that has you taking calls on Christmas Day is INSANE, completely mad. I earn 6 figures and I’m uncontactable from the 12th December onwards. This is utter madness.

Usually I hate it when I see people suggest an affair or secret family but this is the first time where I’ve actually thought it could be possible.

Engineer here. Graduates start on £28k, up to £32k by year 2. Senior engineers are around £45k. Associates around £75k inc bonus. Our offices are closed Christmas to NY.

This is a good point.

If he works 7 days/week, 8 hours/day
56 × 52 = 2,912 hours
30,00 ÷ 2,912 = ~£10.30/hour

That’s 15% below the living wage.

He either has some ulterior motivation to leave you on your own or he is a total fool.

If he's earning 30k but working 7 days a week and nights, he's not earning well. I'm on around that and I'm pretty happy with it, but i work office hours 5 days a week. This cant continue. This sounds bleak, but i read an article about death bed regrets. No one regretted not working more. Everyone regretted not spending more time with their family. Maybe you need to put it in these stark terms to him.

Op, here are some engineer jobs at BA currently, only the support role has a salary listed and that's 38k. The principal roles will be much more.

Something isn't adding up in your husband's story, sorry

BAE Systems jobs in Filton, United Kingdom https://share.google/JSF4k1FNyl8sqO5oX

Firstly OP under no circumstances should you leave your job, your going to need and want that!

At first I thought he was just abit of a workaholic/didn’t want any home life responsibilities, which is awful anyway but maybe would be just about acceptable if he was earning big bucks. The more I read the more I think his having an affair or actually has a whole second family. There is no way he went into work on Christmas Day, not for the money his on. As others have pointed out for the hours his doing and the money he is bringing home he is working well below minimum wage, no one in their right mind would be happy with this/carry on doing this year after year.

Kindly OP you really need to think about how this relationship is of any benefit to you, your working full time with no home and childcare help your basically single anyway. The resentment will be awful if this carries on.

I think you need to do some really deep digging because there is no way his doing what he says he is, but honestly financially your bringing the same to the household and your the one running it, you need to put your foot right down at the very least.

@Mummalovesya If as you say you live rurally and can't drive how do your kids get to and from breakfast club etc? Is it that you have other support you can draw on? I would use this support whilst planning to leave and move closer to the support.
I also think your OH is possibly lying about his job and you need to do more digging about what his job actually involves that he needed to be at HO on xmas day. Sounds very fishy.

There’s definitely more to this - the hours v salary does not ring true. No life for your children being stuck in a rural location with no means of transport especially with the eldest nearly a teenager - what on earth do your kids spend their time out of school doing? You need to be the one calling the shots here I’d be taking the kids and moving to the nearest town - up to dh what he decides to do then.

@MummalovesyaI really hope after reading all these responses that it slaps you in the face waking you up to your reality which is draining the literal life from you and your 3 children. Your already bossing this on your own it sound like the negatives in your life are all caused by him. I think he’s having an affair, his location is on to you he definitely has a second phone at the office which he can swap so it looks like he’s there. If you care enough to waste money hire a PI or don’t he knows you don’t have the means to show up there anyway. He’s taking full advantage of you.
He’s living a double life no one leaves on Christmas Day if they truly cared about their wife and children. His priorities are twisted by the sounds of things. Do not waste anymore of your life. It’s too short. Keep your job and move to the nearest town where you can have a life. Yes you might miss this person you occasionally see but wash his shitty pants but as soon as your settled in your own in a fun environment with no expectations from this other person I promise you’ll wish you left sooner. Not just for yourself but I’ve never felt more sorry for kids than I do yours right now. Sounds like the type that sit at the window waiting for someone to show up who never does. Take the expectation away and they’ll be so so much happier. Please please please wake up and get yourself a strong friendship in someone who has a backbone will tell you the truth and be there to support you.

Agree! My husband earns well into 6 figures and stopped working 18th dec to 6th jan. No phone calls

Unless the OP meant to type £130k instead of £30k nothing about this makes any sense.

I will also take any bets on this new, and more convenient job, 'falling through' so he has to keep the old one...

What's stopping him withdrawing his application and sticking with the old job and telling you that the job fell through or was withdrawn? Would you ever find out?