Sulking husband

[Mummalovesya]

For years now ever since my middle child was born my husband has had a career that isn’t very sociable.
i don’t drive anymore (I have severe epilepsy so I’m medically not allowed, my license got revoked when I was 23) which means the kids miss out on stuff as I can’t get them there. We live very rural so not many buses etc and have no family near to help.

Over the years he’s been offered numerous jobs to benefit us as a family , be at home more and fits more around family life, he refuses to go. For context he works 7 days a week, barely a day off and if he does get a day off he works from home in the office with the door shut 🤦🏻‍♀️ He worked all over Christmas , new year everything etc. he was taking work calls whilst the kids were opening presents and had to leave mid way through, came back at 4.30pm missed dinner and had to leave shortly after to go to the head office 🙄

I must say, when I met him I was in a career I had longed for my whole life, it was my dream career. I gave it up for him so i know it can be done.

I work now full time. My kids have to go to breakfast club and after school club , I literally get no help with that because he’s at work. At weekends when I’m working and he is , he refuses to help me cos he’s been at work all night and is tired so I have to end up taking my children to work with me or calling in sick.

The kids HATE him always being at work and hate that he’s missed out on so much stuff , he knows this.

He’s been offered a new job just down the road from us, the same amount of money for much less hours. The hours are literally a dream works around us and the kids perfectly and much less stress of my head. He’s accepted the job and handed in his resignation(which he’s done hundreds of times but retracted it) But all he’s doing is sulking.

Hes already planning to go back he said he’s jsut taking a year out that’s it.

AIBU to think he’s just a selfish twat putting his own needs first rather then his kids? I’ve given up my whole career and more for him and we wouldn’t have the kids we do now if I didn’t.

Hi OP

Apologies if anyone else has already stated this, but it's likely to be salary sacrifice. He could be being paid £60k + but if you pay into a salary sacrifice pension, you won't see the original salary amount on your payslip. I've had to do this, as I had no pension by the age of 45 and realised I needed to make large payments into my occupational pension if I am to stand a hope in hell of keeping afloat in retirement.

Aside from this, and I'm probably being ignorant here, but how does a plane engineer work from home?

OP, I totally get this though. You married a guy and made changes here and there, had children and now you find yourself isolated with little help. These situations creep up on us until one day we realise we're no longer content. As others have said, it's likely he's a workaholic and actually doesn't enjoy the day to day childcare.

Does it ring true to you that he is genuinely working @Mummalovesya? Setting aside the issue of money, what does the company do that means there is a crisis on Christmas Day that needs his immediate attention? I thought you were going to say he had some blue light/on duty role where lives depended on him. If he does have huge responsibility 365 days a year why is he on less than minimum wage for the hours he works? It doesn’t make sense.

This OP needs to get in touch with the other lady whose husband was locked in his office from 5am on Christmas Day. There was clearly a global emergency that none of us knew about!

I can’t reply to everyone again as I’m very overwhelmed I didn’t think the post would get this much comments thank you all 🙌🏻

My career I was in performance , and my job involved touring the country doing west end shows etc.

He works from home doing his other hobby/job , selling and restoration of boats and parts. Technically he doesn’t HAVE to work 7 days, he’s contracted for 4/5 but he does more to always get in their good books. He is a massive people pleaser and will be like a little goody two shoes at work, to put a bluntly to be his bosses bitch. So even if he is ‘off the clock’ and not due to work for another few hours or so, if his boss calls and says he needs something picking up from dry cleaners for example and dropped off to him, he will drop everything and do it.

Christmas Day he got a phone call from his boss to let him know that he wanted him to run an errand and then some bow took all day and then when he got home he had to go to HO because his boss wanted him to do something there aswell.
I don’t even ask anymore im bored of planning stuff an then get dropped for his work and his boss.

So to answer your questions , yes 30k is correct if he was working his normal contracted shifts. He’s picking up other stuff and doing other stuff he’s not meant to do just because 🤷🏻‍♀️ his tongue is sooooo far up his bosses arse hoping for a pay rise he is failing to see how unhappy we all are.

Is 30K before or after tax?
It sounds unlikely but it does happen a few years ago my parner’s old boss was working all the hours God sent for approximately £35k, he had 2 young children and it put a massive strain on his marriage. He changed jobs and he’s much happier now probably earns twice as much money for half as much work. It probably was worth it in the long term to gain the experience as a manager but he probably stayed longer in the role than he should have done.

He picks up his boss’ dry cleaning?! WTF? Why would he do that, it’s madness?

As others have said, he’s either a complete and utter mug or has another family. Are you absolutely 100% sure it is the boss calling?

His boss had him running personal errands on Christmas Day?
Have you met his boss? Because this sounds incredibly suspicious. I’ve known some pretty horrendous managers in my time but not a single one of them would have their staff running errands for them on Christmas Day!!

And I’m so sorry you had to give up such a wonderful career. That must have been so hard for you

Yep 110% he always does video call . He is a mug that’s for sure honestly it’s embarrassing

Yeah I’ve met him, he came to our wedding.

Op how can you have any respect for your husband?

He picks up his boss dry cleaning and ran a personal errand for his boss on Xmas day???!!

I have read some mad things on Mumsnet but honestly this is up there, OP again kindly but honestly your husband would rather spend his free unpaid time being a general dogs body than spending the time with his family. This is so unattractive and not what you deserve in a husband/father of your children, why are you putting up with this?

honestly at this point I’m not even sure he was picking up the dry cleaning I think that was a cover story and something else is going on between him and the boss, this is the reddest red flag.

And it was definitely him calling on Christmas Day?
What was so important that he needed to take your husband away from his family on Christmas Day?

Honestly, if I were you I’d leave. What he’s done is unforgivable and it’s crossed a line. He’s a terrible husband and dad. You and your kids deserve better.

If this is real, the dynamic between your husband and his boss is one of the most bizarre things I've ever read on here.

Is he actually working as an 'engineer' or just a personal assistant or something?

@Mummalovesya does his boss try to sabotage other important family days or occasions? It seems particularly vindictive to call an employee on Christmas Day. Especially an employee you know has a young family.
Unless it was a major, major emergency then it sounds personal and vindictive.

My dad was an aerospace engineer which I assumed the OP meant when she said plane engineer. My dad designed planes, it was all done on computer, so I can see how it could be done from home easily.

Got to agree with @Xcxlxn, it really sounds like they are doing something else that they both needed to be together for on Christmas Day

OP, you are at home with your husband, you see what is going on. Do you believe that he is just a fool or do you think there is more to this than meets the eye?

You say he is doing this to suck up to his boss, as a people pleaser; what with his job/hobbies/working all hours and days under the sun and licking his boss’s arse does he exhibit any other extreme behaviours.

Something clearly isn’t right or are
we over speculating?

He can’t be that much of a people please as he clearly doesn’t care about you and the 3 littles. Who leaves to answer a work call when they are opening Xmas presents? What can be THAT urgent unless he is an A&E trauma surgeon?!

This stuff shapes kids OP. They’re going tk grow up with zero bond with their dad, knowing they can never depend on him and thinking they’re second class citizens in his life.

Why do you stay with him?

I'd tell him I want a PRESENT husband and if he can't see himself like that, I'm leaving. He's a workaholic.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

If my other half was working such long hours, id want it to be for a salary that enabled us to live on one income, and to live in a location with all the services/support we needed (i.e. public transport).

Something has to give or he will miss his children's whole lives.

Sounds very suspicious - I know someone whose husband runs similar errands - but they are a cover for running drugs.

Most dads are using their phone to take pictures of kids opening their presents as opposed to taking non urgent work calls.

Oh god op he would give me the ick. A mouse of a man and all for 30 measly k ! Ugh

Does his boss have a hold over him for some reason?

I can’t think that any man would otherwise demean himself as you describe …picking up dry cleaning on demand for the boss does not come under the job description of engineer in the normal world especially not on Christmas day.

Sadly this is exactly what I thought from this too.
'Errands' that are not legal.