Sulking husband

[Mummalovesya]

For years now ever since my middle child was born my husband has had a career that isn’t very sociable.
i don’t drive anymore (I have severe epilepsy so I’m medically not allowed, my license got revoked when I was 23) which means the kids miss out on stuff as I can’t get them there. We live very rural so not many buses etc and have no family near to help.

Over the years he’s been offered numerous jobs to benefit us as a family , be at home more and fits more around family life, he refuses to go. For context he works 7 days a week, barely a day off and if he does get a day off he works from home in the office with the door shut 🤦🏻‍♀️ He worked all over Christmas , new year everything etc. he was taking work calls whilst the kids were opening presents and had to leave mid way through, came back at 4.30pm missed dinner and had to leave shortly after to go to the head office 🙄

I must say, when I met him I was in a career I had longed for my whole life, it was my dream career. I gave it up for him so i know it can be done.

I work now full time. My kids have to go to breakfast club and after school club , I literally get no help with that because he’s at work. At weekends when I’m working and he is , he refuses to help me cos he’s been at work all night and is tired so I have to end up taking my children to work with me or calling in sick.

The kids HATE him always being at work and hate that he’s missed out on so much stuff , he knows this.

He’s been offered a new job just down the road from us, the same amount of money for much less hours. The hours are literally a dream works around us and the kids perfectly and much less stress of my head. He’s accepted the job and handed in his resignation(which he’s done hundreds of times but retracted it) But all he’s doing is sulking.

Hes already planning to go back he said he’s jsut taking a year out that’s it.

AIBU to think he’s just a selfish twat putting his own needs first rather then his kids? I’ve given up my whole career and more for him and we wouldn’t have the kids we do now if I didn’t.

What is his other job? What amount does that bring in?

You weren't clear to begin with he works two jobs.

OP, you say “he fets paid well but wouldn’t say were well off, it’s about 30k a year”

You seem to think £30k is well paid. It is way below the average wage.

I know all PPs have now informed you of this but I do wonder why you initially considered it well paid.

I am wondering if your husband actually has a part time job but spends all of his time doing it. You mentioned his hobbies, is his work more of a hobby also?

I call absolutely BS on the job, he is clearly not interested in family life and possibly these “work calls” are a different kind of job if you get my meaning! He is clearly abit of a tosser who puts himself before his wife and children. LTB.

I totally agree he’s up to something. To have to be on call on Christmas Day as an engineer would be someone who was working in a really important sector, and would certainly not be earning 30k a year.

OP you need to start digging and stop being so trusting.

So the video calls have proved the wages.. They don't prove where he is the hours is is apparently at work though...
He won't change jobs because his cushy cheating schedule is going precisely his way right now.

There is a type of man for whom work is kind of a weird tribe to them, and they need to serve the tribe, be indispensable, available at all times, and let their family go to hell.

Sadly I think you have one of these OP.

It will be nearly impossible to change him. I'd be preparing for your life without him personally.

Honestly thought you were going to say he’s a brain surgeon earning about 10times that !

somethings not right here ! Thats an absolute piss take. Are you sure he’s working? Who’s actually phoning him on Christmas Day/new year etc?

He works so much because he doesn’t want to be a part of the family unit.

Graduate engineers are on about 30k. I see admin jobs for that amount. What a joke. Working all hours for not much more than minimum wage? It likely equates to less if he’s working 7 days a week

This is really good advice. You've given up your career once for him, don't do it a second time.

If he really is on £30 k and chose to work instead of being present for his kids to open their Xmas presents he checked out of family life a long, long time ago.

£30k for a PLANE ENGINEER?????

My DD is on that in her 4th year as an apprentice on helicopters. She will start on double that, for fewer hours, when she qualifies in 18 months. There is something seriously wrong here. He is working well over the Working Hours directive, for under minimum wages.

It seems that the extra hours are voluntary. They are never going to increase his salary, why would they, when they are getting 3 or 4 staff hours for under the correct salary for one?

The new job may prove to be his saving. The sulking may be because the current employer went ‘oh but we were just going to increase your pay’ and he’s now feeling he’s done all these years and is leaving just as they’re appreciating him. They won’t increase his pay if he goes back. They will simply see a mug.

But if things don’t improve you will need to
make a big decision.

Its your poor children I feel sorry for.
Why have a 3rd child after 5 years when you knew what he was like.
Actions not words are what count.
You have chosen words and your children pay the price of having a father who avoids them at all cost.
Stop believing him for a start.
He doesn't want to be around his family.
You need to accept that and see if you can move to somewhere that might work better for you and the children.
You can do this.
Stop expecting him to change, he wont.

He's not really interested in family life, OP, otherwise he'd make time for it. Sorry.

How long is he in this job? He’s earning similar to what juniotrs get in Ireland, if hes in this job years he’s not getting paid well at all not even close, they’re taking the piss coz they know he struggles to leave them, it’s weird how attached he is to the place he’s currently in. He’s only getting around £115 per day. Thats not a lot of money for an experienced engineer at all

Yes he's a selfish twat. He's making these choices. His job and pay doesn't warrant those hours at all.

I don't understand why people find it so hard to grasp that when people are asking for advice or support it's usually because they're in their specific situation due to a culmination of circumstances and if they had had the ability to unilaterally change a factor of it they would have.

Don't give up your job, you absolutely must not do that.

Surely you can’t be stuck in a rural location with no choice to move somewhere in the vicinity more practical? Unless you’re based on the plains of Mongolia I can’t see why there are no other living options.

How can £30k a year be well paid? That’s the sort of salary an entry level engineering grad might expect.

That's lower than I was on the last time I worked an average 9-5, which was over 10 years ago. Working 7 days a week for that is, as others have said, probably illegal. Was it him that told you it was a decent salary??

Is he only working about ten hours a week on the engineer job? That would be about the equivalent wage. He wouldn’t be called in on Christmas Day. Something is very wrong with this scenario.

I agree with PP - don’t give up your job!

I don’t think he likes being a dad.

I am sorry to have to state this so baldly; "his own needs" consist of spending as little time with his family as possible.

this is not possible. A graduate engineer starts at £28k. You need to check better and understand which lies he is telling you.

Why am I not too surprised by this?

MI5 can be like that.

Seriously what job is do important that he works 7 days and week and through present opening?

all of that for 30k?!?! OP - this ain’t working out - he’s going to lose his family over this if he’s not careful.

I think that’s what he’s hoping