Sulking husband

[Mummalovesya]

For years now ever since my middle child was born my husband has had a career that isn’t very sociable.
i don’t drive anymore (I have severe epilepsy so I’m medically not allowed, my license got revoked when I was 23) which means the kids miss out on stuff as I can’t get them there. We live very rural so not many buses etc and have no family near to help.

Over the years he’s been offered numerous jobs to benefit us as a family , be at home more and fits more around family life, he refuses to go. For context he works 7 days a week, barely a day off and if he does get a day off he works from home in the office with the door shut 🤦🏻‍♀️ He worked all over Christmas , new year everything etc. he was taking work calls whilst the kids were opening presents and had to leave mid way through, came back at 4.30pm missed dinner and had to leave shortly after to go to the head office 🙄

I must say, when I met him I was in a career I had longed for my whole life, it was my dream career. I gave it up for him so i know it can be done.

I work now full time. My kids have to go to breakfast club and after school club , I literally get no help with that because he’s at work. At weekends when I’m working and he is , he refuses to help me cos he’s been at work all night and is tired so I have to end up taking my children to work with me or calling in sick.

The kids HATE him always being at work and hate that he’s missed out on so much stuff , he knows this.

He’s been offered a new job just down the road from us, the same amount of money for much less hours. The hours are literally a dream works around us and the kids perfectly and much less stress of my head. He’s accepted the job and handed in his resignation(which he’s done hundreds of times but retracted it) But all he’s doing is sulking.

Hes already planning to go back he said he’s jsut taking a year out that’s it.

AIBU to think he’s just a selfish twat putting his own needs first rather then his kids? I’ve given up my whole career and more for him and we wouldn’t have the kids we do now if I didn’t.

Theres more going on here.
The hours he's working don't tally up with the salary quoted.

Unless he is in a really niche role I honestly don't think he was working Christmas day. and what on earth would be so pressi g that he has to go out to the office. My husband is a engineer in sales. Their office and service department shuts down for the week at Christmas as do the majority of his customers.

You need to do more digging something is seriously off.

So he's never around and he doesn't care about your or your dc's feelings? He only priorities his wellbeing, never his family's?

Tell me how your life would be worse without him? He's clearly a terrible husband and father.

Leave him and move to somewhere with public transport. If he can't prioritise your dc, then you will have to, because they deserve better. You do too.

He's effectively working a minimum wage job. How much can he really like it, relative to his kids that he never sees.

I'm also a workaholic but I at least get recompensed for it. And I still see my kids pretty much all the time. Maybe don't get to spend the quality time with them I should but I'm paying for their schools + tutoring + everything else. For 30k a year I would want a job I could do from the gym or while playing board games with the kids. I know salaries are generally pitiful in this country but something doesn't sound right here.

I genuinely thought that was a typo and you meant £300k. From your initial post I assumed your husband was on that kind of money and had as job as a banker or corporate law firm partner) £30k is a graduate engineering entry role salary. And even on £300k with a genuinely busy job he could contribute more to family life.

He’s taking the piss out of you all, and there’s no benefit to it as you don’t even have financial security as a trade off.

30k a year is only a rung or 2 above minimum wage and for the hours he is supposedly working it's probably not even minimum wage. Is he actually working all those hours or does he shut himself in his office and video game /watch crap because he doesn't want to get dragged into watching the kids or doing household tasks?

Not a chance would I accept my husband working that much and that intensively for only 30k plenty of people do far less for double the pay.

30k for all that? Unless he's an engineer of Fire Engines or something no need to work on Christmas day. Even blue light workers get the odd Christmas off!

Something does not add to here. No head office of any company is open on Christmas Day. They'd need to pay all kids if support staff to be on site.

Also, you have up your dream career because you loved him (more fool you) and he won't even stop working 7 days a week to co-parent your children? You're being made a mug of, OP.

This. I know people who work as telecoms engineers out fixing stuff when Internet/phone goes down and they weren't working 24-26th December.

He's bullshitting to get time to himself to scroll his phone or whatever.

He DOES understand.
He just doesn’t like you challenging him with the truth about himself.
No point wasting any more energy on doing it OP. Nothing will change that way.
You have to decide what you are prepared to put up with, -for yourself and the children and make your own changes.

OP his office door is shut so he can hide from you what he's actually doing. Because he sure as HELL wasnt working christmas day.

I was in a bit of a loop like this before children.

The truth of the matter was that I genuinely forgot how not to work and I was afraid not to work because I didn't know how I fitted into life or what to do when I wasn't working.

He'll need to adjust and it won't be easy for him so be very understanding and patient it'll be worth it.

The OP has said they share their locations.

Yeah he is using work to hide.

Do you think he will actually follow through with this new job? If he does will he just become very busy with his self employment? I can’t see him suddenly becoming immersed in family life somehow…. Oh and ignore the sulking.

I'm wondering if part of the reason for living rurally is to have space/facilities for his sideline business? Either it makes money and he could rent a garage/container if you lived somewhere more convenient for 4/5 of your family or it's just an expensive hobby.

You need to decide what you want for yourself and your DC and tell him you are no longer sacrificing everyone else for his selfishness.

@gamerchick

He sounds like a workoholic. These men don't change.

@MNLurker1345

It is clear as PPs have said he is a workaholic.

Lots of men are 'workaholics' when the children are young/small/still at school/still living at home. 🙄It's almost like they want to leave all the childcare, and 'wifework,' to their wife/the mother of their children.

They're not so much of a workaholic when the kids have left home though. Can't get them out of the house then! 🙄

Personally @Mummalovesya I would be getting my ducks in a row if I were you, and he can get shared custody. Force him to bloody well do his share of the childcare, for the children HE chose to create (along with you!)

No family man is a workaholic. It's all bullshit. He just CBA with his responsibilities. Force his hand. Threaten to divorce him if things don't change.

I am also questioning the £30K a year. That's not much more than minimum wage. Most experienced/qualified enginners in the UK would be on £45K to £50K a year or more...

And no WAY is his employer needing him to work all these hours....

Something is very fishy and 'off' here. I would be keeping a very close eye on him @Mummalovesya No WAY is an experienced, and (suppoedly) 'in-demand' engineer on £30K a year. You'd get more than that stacking shelves in Aldi, or flipping burgers in Maccies. (No disrespect to those jobs and those who do them; I just mean you don't need any qualifications or a special set of skills to do them... Something as skilled as an engineer would pay much more than £30K a year, especially an eexperienced one.)

It's sounding suspiciously like he is leading a double life. I would be hiring a private investigator to follow him and see what he's up to...

There are multiple things that need to change here, not just your DH's job. You need to move somewhere that you can get around more easily on public transport, and where taxis are readily available. If you cannot drive, you need to put yourself in a position where you can still get the kids to where they need to be.

And, yes, DH needs to think about changing his job so he can be more present with the family.

He's cheating.
What sort of a life is this giving your kids?
No holidays? No trips? No Dad.
That salary is wild. There is no way, not one chance he's working 7 days a week, working Christmas Day and taking home 30 thousand pounds.
Find out what is going on, and if he's really working, and refuses to get a better paying job that he isn't obsessed with, you can't stay.......and if he's not working and there's more to this, then you can't stay either.
Hopefully he is literally a workaholic with no idea of his worth who is willing to get help, as anything else is going to be really hard on all of you.

Surely an engineer called into work on Christmas Day wouldn't be needed at Head Office but on-site somewhere? Unless they were maintaining an office system, like IT or plumbing?

He worked all over Christmas , new year everything etc. he was taking work calls whilst the kids were opening presents and had to leave mid way through, came back at 4.30pm missed dinner and had to leave shortly after to go to the head office

Did I read that right? He's an engineer on 30k a year and he's taking work calls on Christmas Day? Something doesn't sound right. Most engineers regardless of the exact nature of the work would earn a lot more than 30k, especially if it's a job that can often be done from home, so not blue collar, manual work as such. And who on earth has to take work calls on Christmas Day? It's not like he's an emergency brain surgeon or the Prime Minister.

I think you should look at moving somewhere less rural for a start. That must be a nightmare if you don't drive. What is the job he's so keen to back to that he's only going to give the new job a year?

This is no life for you and your children. You need to let him know in black and white that he either works his contracted hours only, or you’re off. I’m going to stick my neck right out here and bet he’s autistic. That aside, I would give him an ultimatum. I feel really sorry for you, setting yourself on fire to keep everyone warm.

Leave him and move to a town with good public transport. He sounds like an arse.

£30k and he’s working 7 days a week? He’s an absolute fool.

This has to be a wind up, im an office manager with no degree and i make £33k a year for 37.5hrs a week

Yeah I have no degree, an office manager earning 43.5k. He’s a mug

If he working all those hours for 30k he isn’t even on minimum wage. He is either lying about being at work , or lying about his wage.