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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

211 replies

LittleLapwing · 06/01/2026 19:04

My H is an entrepreneur. A reasonably successful one though.
He is a workaholic and has to have several projects on the go. He had three businesses currently.
His work takes him away often whilst he goes to check on various businesses, complete projects, check on staff, do CPD.
This means that I’ve raised the children alone, and for a while we lived in his home country which was incredibly isolating. All in all I’ve not had the happiest married life. It’s been lonely and hard work.

The children are now teens/tweens and H expects me to help more with business. I have my own career which I’ve worked really hard for, but which has been completely sidelined as I literally have no childcare.

I have really tried to help with the businesses, but I’m trying to do multiple full time jobs and as a consequence I’m doing them all badly. I am constantly criticised and I just feel a failure.

H barely lives here and does nothing at home. I do all the DIY, decorating, gardening, pets (he also collects working spaniels and currently has 6 which I care for), children, housework, bills, life admin, car maintenance. In addition to full time business admin because our secretary left and we haven’t managed to find a new kind yet. I’ve just found out I’m very anaemic too which isn’t helping.
It is draining and I am so envious of my friends who have time in their days.

A big bill has just come in and the cash flow isn’t there because I invoiced something late so it’s my fault.

H tries so hard to make money in order to give us a better life but he doesn’t see the toll it takes on me. I’ve tried to explain many times.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m just exhausted and stressed and worrying about cash flow and a big audit I’ve got coming up and recruiting and the many projects ongoing which I am managing and the staff and that’s even before I get to schools and children and 6 fucking dogs and I don’t know if I’m just weak and this is what it takes to be successful, or if I’ve got a point.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 06/01/2026 19:06

I don't believe he's doing this to 'give you a better life'.

Do you really believe that?

SunMoonandChocolate · 06/01/2026 19:07

WOW! Sounds like he has no idea how much you are having to do OP. Have you actually sat him down and told him that it's all become too much, and if not, why not. If you have, what was his reaction? It sounds like he's so busy being away, that he really has no clue how much you're doing.

Troublein · 06/01/2026 19:07

How exactly is what he is doing (which is apparently practically living like a single man who happens to have children and a full time nanny) giving you a better life?

IHeartKingThistle · 06/01/2026 19:08

Dear Lord, this is madness. You’re incredible to be doing all this but it’s impossible. Do you want to leave him? Or drop a few things? Or for him to do more? How likely are any of those?

LittleLapwing · 06/01/2026 19:08

I should add that I offered to help in the business because it was making him ill. I can’t see a way around it.

OP posts:
LittleLapwing · 06/01/2026 19:09

NuffSaidSam · 06/01/2026 19:06

I don't believe he's doing this to 'give you a better life'.

Do you really believe that?

He seems to.

OP posts:
surprisebaby12 · 06/01/2026 19:09

I got stuck at SIX working dogs. It sounds like he’s solely focused on his business and hugely underestimates what your life is actually like. Have a think about what you want your life to be, and then sit him down and talk about how things need to change. You aren’t his secretary, and it may be time to step away from him business and focus on your own career so you can rebuild your independence. I get wanting to help him because he’s struggling, but it’s not your job to be absolutely everything for him. If he needs to reduce his workload, that’s not your job.

devildeepbluesea · 06/01/2026 19:10

If his businesses are doing well he needs to be employing someone. And when you said he “collects spaniels” my already low opinion fell even further.

As PP - he has absolutely no interest in doing this to give you a better life. If he did he’d care more about the life you currently lead.

LittleLapwing · 06/01/2026 19:11

SunMoonandChocolate · 06/01/2026 19:07

WOW! Sounds like he has no idea how much you are having to do OP. Have you actually sat him down and told him that it's all become too much, and if not, why not. If you have, what was his reaction? It sounds like he's so busy being away, that he really has no clue how much you're doing.

He has no idea. I think he thinks I sit around doing nothing all day. Or having a jolly time walking his dogs.

OP posts:
Dozer · 06/01/2026 19:11

He sounds awful and you sound like you’ve put up with a lot of crap.

Do you now live back in your country? If so would refuse his requests to get involved in the business, get childcare, prioritise your paid work independently of your H and privately get your ducks in a row to be ready to separate.

Your H sounds like the type to use his self employed status to seek to minimise your share of assets etc in a divorce.

WednesdayAllTheWay · 06/01/2026 19:12

Living like this is madness OP.
It's hard to even know where to start with all of the above. But it sure as hell ends with me saying you need to leave.

LittleLapwing · 06/01/2026 19:14

IHeartKingThistle · 06/01/2026 19:08

Dear Lord, this is madness. You’re incredible to be doing all this but it’s impossible. Do you want to leave him? Or drop a few things? Or for him to do more? How likely are any of those?

I don’t know. I feel like I’m on a treadmill at breakneck speed and can’t slow it down to get off.

I want him to see this like a reasonable person but I don’t think that’s going to happen. Everything that happens is my fault in his eyes. I like him as a person. He is incredibly well liked in society and no one has a bad word to say about him. But I just cannot live like this.
I’ve been telling him this for years and nothing changes. I had a full on mental breakdown 18 months ago which he just ignored.

OP posts:
YourJollyPlayer · 06/01/2026 19:16

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LittleLapwing · 06/01/2026 19:17

surprisebaby12 · 06/01/2026 19:09

I got stuck at SIX working dogs. It sounds like he’s solely focused on his business and hugely underestimates what your life is actually like. Have a think about what you want your life to be, and then sit him down and talk about how things need to change. You aren’t his secretary, and it may be time to step away from him business and focus on your own career so you can rebuild your independence. I get wanting to help him because he’s struggling, but it’s not your job to be absolutely everything for him. If he needs to reduce his workload, that’s not your job.

Edited

He thinks I live like a queen. I have a nice car and house and the kids have ponies and motorbikes. According to him we are all spoilt and don’t know we’re born. When I say I’m not happy he gestures around and says ‘well I’m not sure what would ever make you happy, you’ve got a heck of a lot more than I ever had growing up and if the business stops, this all stops’ like I’m a child who doesn’t know where money comes from.

OP posts:
YourJollyPlayer · 06/01/2026 19:17

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JLou08 · 06/01/2026 19:18

You have way too much on! Tell him you're no longer helping with the business or caring for the dogs and stay firm with it. If he attempts to force it on to you, leave. Focus on your DC and your own career.

Raisinsandweetabix · 06/01/2026 19:19

LittleLapwing · 06/01/2026 19:17

He thinks I live like a queen. I have a nice car and house and the kids have ponies and motorbikes. According to him we are all spoilt and don’t know we’re born. When I say I’m not happy he gestures around and says ‘well I’m not sure what would ever make you happy, you’ve got a heck of a lot more than I ever had growing up and if the business stops, this all stops’ like I’m a child who doesn’t know where money comes from.

Who looks after the ponies??

LittleLapwing · 06/01/2026 19:21

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I don’t have time to work in my proper job. It’s 12 hour shifts and there’s no way I could get regular childcare for those hours and someone to look after all the dogs.

So I do the business admin as a whole and work in one of the businesses around school and after the kids are in bed and before they get up.

I have really low iron and I get really tired, sometimes I need to go to bed 8pm but then I’m behind for the next day. I can’t even think straight.

But I also can’t stop because there’s no one in the office now, staff need to get paid and projects need to be managed it can’t just stop.

OP posts:
LittleLapwing · 06/01/2026 19:21

Raisinsandweetabix · 06/01/2026 19:19

Who looks after the ponies??

Who do you think? 🤣

OP posts:
YourJollyPlayer · 06/01/2026 19:22

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LittleLapwing · 06/01/2026 19:23

A few people in my life have said ‘just tell him you’re not looking after his dogs’ but it doesn’t work like that. There’s no one else and I can’t leave them. They live in kennels so need cleaning out and at least two good walks a day which I sometimes have to bribe the kids to do. If I didn’t do it no one would, he’s away a lot of the time.

OP posts:
YourJollyPlayer · 06/01/2026 19:23

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Letsgetdrunkontheminibar · 06/01/2026 19:24

How on earth people cope in life I really have no idea! This is so unrealistic! He collects dogs?! Wtf is that even a thing!

YourJollyPlayer · 06/01/2026 19:25

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WarmGreyHare · 06/01/2026 19:25

LittleLapwing · 06/01/2026 19:08

I should add that I offered to help in the business because it was making him ill. I can’t see a way around it.

You say I'm sorry but this isn't working. If he is such a successful entrepreneur as you say he can afford to hire admin staff.
You are basically becoming his employee, that isn't good for anyone, and especially not good for you developing your own independent life.

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