Would you find this invitation cheeky?

[christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem]

Just looking for opinions

i have a friend who has a birthday coming up in feb. to celebrate, she wants to hire a private dining room and have a dinner with friends.

after running through some options, she’s found the minimum spend for the place is £1500. She’s not sure who she wants to invite yet, as in hasn’t confirmed numbers. She’s sent a message to those already on the list (including me) saying:

“Hi guys

I’d love if you could join me in celebrating my birthday on 14th Feb 26. We will be going to X at 8:30pm for a fun night of food and drinks then on to X for cocktails.

The pricing is looking to be around £170 per person to meet minimum spend at restaurant. Obviously this is going to vary depending on numbers on the night.

I need to put a deposit down of £750 to secure the date so would appreciate if you could confirm and transfer your share which I will then deduct at the time.

cant wait!”

now a few things..

1. I’m happy to go but somethings not sitting right with me
2. Surely she should foot the deposit then be reimbursed by attendees?
3. All attending aren’t friends so I imagine the price per head will vary wildly based on what drinks are being ordered (we’re usually a split equally amongst the group type of friendship)
4. If people drop out (likely) the price is going to go up even further. I get that this is the norm however due to the already variable cost it could basically end up 3-4 people footing a £1500 tab?

do you think it’s a little cheeky? How would you approach this? I don’t want to decline the invite but I do want to make clear I don’t want to have to consider further costs. It’s also worth noting that this restaurant is about 2 hours away in another city so will be factoring in travel and hotel probably as well

I wouldn't even consider going so it's pretty easy really, just decline immediately.

Even if you could afford it and were willing to pay £170, it could be more than that. Your friend sounds hugely entitled and she won't appreciate subtleties if you've paid before. Just decline very clearly, briefly and quickly, withdraw from any discussions.

I'd just say sorry but I have something on that date. I think she is being a little self centred.

I suggest she opts for a different night, it’s clearly going to be more on valentines night. A lot won’t come as they will be with their partners, and if your spending that much you’d want to be with your partner.
id just say back. Is this the price whichever night you choose to go?
wouldnt it be best to get definite numbers before jumping in to secure the venue?
is there an actual limit you’re expecting people to pay if it goes tits up, so she chose the venue surely she should stump up the half and divvy the remainder out.
i think its cheeky to put something this expensive on anyone .

If you're being sensible with money dont go. £170 plus hotel and travel is too much for most people.

Some cruise liners do mini breaks for £199 for 2 nights stay with all meals included… £170 (or more!) for one person for a meal and drinks is nuts let alone for someone having such a hard time and facing bankruptcy. Say no, explain can’t with bankruptcy but that you’d love to take her for lunch instead.

I’d be moping out of that so fast I’d skid.

I'm sorry but it's your birthday celebration so you should foot the bill and guests can bring gifts as they would in a wedding invite. It's as simple as this.

This.

If she's inviting you to her party, shouldn't she pay for the event? In my world, if you invite people, you pay for it. It's like asking guests to pay for your wedding! A graciously "No, thank you."

When I read shite like this it makes me glad I’m old and not likely to be on the receiving end of such an outrageously entitled invitation. Maybe I lead a sheltered life but I honestly had no idea people behaved like that and thought it was normal.

Is it a big birthday? How much effort does the friend put into your birthday? Is it the equivalent of £170, plus outfit cost, plus present, plus hotel, plus travel?

Personally, it’s too much to ask guests to cough-up for a birthday. Yes, she’s either cheeky or just stupid.

Unless you are Claudia and she’s Tess, I’d be really truthful and just reply saying thanks for invite, I hope you have a super time but I won’t be able to join you due to the cost.

This, and as others have suggested maybe suggest meeting with her separately on a different day for a couple of cocktails for her birthday x

My circumstances 12 months ago I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at this. However over 12 months I’ve lost everything and had am now having to declare bankruptcy. She knows this.

The OP's own words.

She cannot afford this.

No nah nope. This is ridiculous. I appreciate wanting to set the occasion and standard but this is unreasonable. Let’s be honest people already in the group are people she would want to come but 1, it’s valentines and 2, I think people will be asked just to make the numbers up. Something more personal and meaningful would work out cheaper. When it comes to money being a “split the bill equal” group is understandable but this is too much. I’m from the UK and we wouldn’t do this, if anything a close friend or family would look to set this up and pay, then recoup money once attendee’s have eaten and paid. This doesn’t sit right and I can already foresee a friendship fallout. Do yourself a favour and decline when they ask why explain it doesn’t make sense and appreciate they wish to have a lovely birthday but would rather do something just a few of you and not have to worry about meeting a minimum charge.

In order to pay £170 for a meal out for one it would have to be pretty spectacular and something special for myself. Eg. Dinner at the Ritz for me and DH type of thing. I would not pay this to go for a meal out with a friend even if I could well afford to. It’s obscene.
Either say nothing and let the other replies roll in for now (has anyone else responded?) or name the elephant in the room and ask what the plan is if people drop out?

DH's good mate invited a group of us all out for a big birthday. Had organised and ordered all the food and drinks then split the bill evenly between us all! Was over £100 pp.

So.. at least she's warned you 😂

How rude of her! I had my 40th Birthday party last year, I spent a fortune, my guests didn't pay a penny! Imagine if I invited them and said but actually, you can contribute by paying me for the drinks, disco, decorations, food etc etc.

I did also attend a 40th meal out and i did pay for myself, 3 courses were around 30 odd pounds....

I am getting to the point now though where I think if you invite people out for your birthday, pay for it.

Tell your friend it isn't for you this time round and you'd be happy to see her separately some other time.

I would actually ask her ‘how are you going to cover the rest of the costs if people drop out?’

YANBU. Due to the fact that there is a minimum spend, and people could drop out, I think she’s got two choices. Either, the invitees are told that their share will be £xxx no matter how many people come. It then becomes her problem if people drop out 🤷‍♀️ Or, she just chooses a cheaper restaurant with no minimum spend where everyone just pays for themselves.

If her birthday is actually on valentine's day she must be aware that her friends who are couples probably have their own plans for the 14th which don't involve dropping that much money on a birthday party.

I 'd be washing my hair that night. It has financial disaster written all over it.

Debating this with my husband. DH says your friend is not being cheeky. That’s where she wants to go, and she’s let you know that’s it’s going to be expensive so it’s up to you if you want to go or not.

I think, as previous post said. It’s too much to ask people to pay for a birthday, yes, she’s being cheeky and hasn’t considered her friends in her decision at all.

I would not dream of expecting anyone to pay to attend a party for my birthday. It’s beyond cheeky. One of my friends invited 4 of us to a country cottage for the weekend for her special birthday, she paid for the accommodation and the restaurant bill on the first night. The rest of us divided the cost of a takeaway on the 2nd night. We all bought our own Sunday lunch in a pub. That worked very well. We did offer to pay for the accommodation, which was amazing, but she would not hear of it, there was at least one person there who would not have been if she’d had to pay. It’s about spending time with those who are important to the host, not an Instagram worthy experience.

It's a no from me!

I agree. Any celebrations I’ve invited people to, I’ve covered all food and drink costs. It wouldn’t feel like ‘my celebration’ if everyone had to pay for themselves. That’s just a normal night out’