Would you find this invitation cheeky?

[christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem]

Just looking for opinions

i have a friend who has a birthday coming up in feb. to celebrate, she wants to hire a private dining room and have a dinner with friends.

after running through some options, she’s found the minimum spend for the place is £1500. She’s not sure who she wants to invite yet, as in hasn’t confirmed numbers. She’s sent a message to those already on the list (including me) saying:

“Hi guys

I’d love if you could join me in celebrating my birthday on 14th Feb 26. We will be going to X at 8:30pm for a fun night of food and drinks then on to X for cocktails.

The pricing is looking to be around £170 per person to meet minimum spend at restaurant. Obviously this is going to vary depending on numbers on the night.

I need to put a deposit down of £750 to secure the date so would appreciate if you could confirm and transfer your share which I will then deduct at the time.

cant wait!”

now a few things..

1. I’m happy to go but somethings not sitting right with me
2. Surely she should foot the deposit then be reimbursed by attendees?
3. All attending aren’t friends so I imagine the price per head will vary wildly based on what drinks are being ordered (we’re usually a split equally amongst the group type of friendship)
4. If people drop out (likely) the price is going to go up even further. I get that this is the norm however due to the already variable cost it could basically end up 3-4 people footing a £1500 tab?

do you think it’s a little cheeky? How would you approach this? I don’t want to decline the invite but I do want to make clear I don’t want to have to consider further costs. It’s also worth noting that this restaurant is about 2 hours away in another city so will be factoring in travel and hotel probably as well

Jesus Christ this is really really easy then- hi x, as you know I recently had to declare bankruptcy, it goes without saying i don’t have anywhere close to £100 for a night out much less minimum £170 + travel + more if others drop out ++, so I’ll have to just wish you a happy birthday. X

OP I doubt very much that you're the only one with misgivings about this and I don't think the response is going to match the friend's expectations. So get ready for her reaction

Sorry to hear about your financial issues.

Unless you are a big group of people who are able to commit to this sort of thing it's very likely to bite her and/or anyone unfortunate enough to be part of it in the arse.

I got caught up in something similar albeit on a much smaller scale.

Friend's 40th, Brazilian BBQ in a private dining room, similar arrangement with minimum spend, which we were told was about £50 ph including some drinks. eg couple of bottles of wine and a few beers for the table (this was years ago).

I was skeptical because I have a tiny appetite and am not fussed about most meat but was told there was loads of seafood and the salad and other sides were out of this world.

But I agreed to go as it was a fun group but of course the room wasn't full, the PH price increased, a mandatory 15% service charge plus cocktails all around and a share of birthday boy's bill meant what I was hoping would cost DP and I £100, which was already a lot more than we generally spent on a meal out ended up being more like £160 so more than twice what we'd ever spent on a similar meal out.

The 'loads of seafood' ended up being one round of grilled prawns and likely canned tuna in a salad somewhere. So I think I had some prawns, a lamb chop and the sides which were nice enough but on a buffet in the main part of the restaurant so I had to keep trekking off while everyone else gorged themselves on meat.

Plus I didn't get my usual doggy bag (I compensate for the tiny appetite by taking most of my main for the next day if I've had a starter) because of course that sort of place only allows to have what you can eat while you're at the restaurant.

If you say you are "busy" that weekend then she may well offer to swap for another which would make it awkward. I would be quite frank and tell her that with the extra cost of travelling and the unpredictability regarding the final price you feel the event is outside your budget. You would, however, be happy to consider something more modestly priced for say £XX. If you declare it to be too expensive then the chances are that others are going to share your opinion. Your friend has some very unrealistic ideas.

Ok so in a previous life you could splash the cash, but you can’t now. She sounds lacking in the ‘friend’ department OP, I’d have a think about the ties that bind you.

We’ve paid this (& more) for friends birthdays but along the lines of, we are going to go to XX would you guys be up for joining us, totally understand if not.

That’s absurd and I’ve never heard anything like it in my life. It’s bad enough having to pay anything to attend someone else’s event, but this is totally beyond unreasonable.

What planet is she on? How is it even workable when nobody knows how much they will be paying? She can’t ask for £170 in the first place, let alone potentially (and highly likely, as I can’t imagine many will be attending with those stipulations!) keep coming back asking for more on top of that.

It’s a birthday, none of the invited guests should be charged anything beyond the cost of their own meals and maybe clubbing together to buy her meal if they’re feeling generous.

Either she or her family should cover the costs of the entire restaurant hire, or she should book a table to seat all of her guests like a normal person. Who even does what she’s suggesting??

Who does she think she is? Camilla?

Exactly. If you're being made bankrupt it means you can't clear debts you already owe. Think of the people you owe money to instead of splashing out on yourself again.

I’ve not declined yet, I likely won’t. But I want to say I can’t pay that amount and can only commit once figures are confirmed

So a chicken and egg situation, plus you won't know the 'final final' headcount until its bums on seats in the restaurant time. People could say they're going and still not turn up on the day.

I'd expect a lot of people will be in a similar position 'I'll come if there's a few of us and the meal is up to £200 but not if there's only 4 and its nearly twice that' so lots of 'I'll go if you go'.

But a serious consideration for your bankruptcy as well as whether you can pay for this, have you thought about how it will be perceived if they see a restaurant bill for hundreds of pounds when you're saying you have no money? That could cause issues when they review your finances.

I wouldn’t be committing to that kind of spend, but sounds like you move in different circles as my friends and I would eat out at a local Italian / tapas etc rather than an expensive restaurant. Sounds like you’ve spent a lot in the past, so probably need to just say you can’t commit as final cost is unknown. Your friend may be upset, but don’t put yourself in financial difficulty.

I could be a royal and wouldn't pay this no chance

Has the little princess sent out her present list too?

Just seen you're heading for bankruptcy and that you're still considering joining this ridiculously extravagant event. It's questionable behaviour at best to spend frivolously knowing that your other debts are soon to be written off. Uncovered bankruptcy costs will be met by the public purse and your creditors businesses' will absorb the losses of your unpaid bills, passing on increased prices to us lot, the consumer.
Thanks for that.

I think saying "no I can't afford it" would highlight the that fact that your financial circumstances have changed massively OP - which obviously she should be able to have worked out for herself - and the golden goose has shut shop from now on.

Have never paid to go to someone's birthday 'event'

£170 minimum spend for a night out?

In this economy?

Is she ok?!

I would decline on the grounds of cost, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable suggesting something like this myself. Even with my own hen do, which was pre-children when we all had far greater disposable incomes, I made it clear to my MOH organising that I did not want anyone invited to feel financially pressured. I was happy for anyone to attend part of the day, even just join me for a drink at the part at my home, and I put up as many as I could for free at mine overnight.

Not a chance

No way you have £170 Spare for a meal but your declaring your bankrupt. Come on pull the other one.

Your circumstances have changed and therefore you need to consider whether some friendships dynamics have changed too. Be honest with her as soon as you can please. 'Sounds super, would have loved this in 2024 but as you know times have changed here and I have to live within my means until I am straight again. Hope you have a lovely evening. I would love to take you for afternoon tea for your birthday at on another day.'

For my 37th birthday I invited friends to a restaurant withe the expectation that I would pay. They would't let me. Cost around 50 per head.
For my 40th birthday I organised a dinner for 14 family and friends and I did pay, bur we came in under budget! Cost around 130 per head.
If I am inviting people. I expect to pay.

I don't understand the hand wringing. Tell her you can't afford it so you can't come. The end. Just say you'll meet up with her for an extra birthday celebration instead.

Having read your update on your financial situation i think you need to reply "Sorry I can't afford that so wont be able to attend". If she questions it point out she is aware of your financial circumstances so you assumed she would realise this cost is to high for you.

She is no friend asking someone whom she knows is facing bankruptcy to pay this. I wouldn't expect anyone to pay that for my birthday let alone a friend.

Also to add I think the cost will be way higher than £170 per head as its very likely most people she invites will decline. Very few people can afford over £240 (gift, meal cost, travel and drinks mean this is really the minimum it will cost per head). Even if they can afford it she is asking for £170 from people just after Christmas! January is a long month and most people are skint

Is this a special birthday? Maybe offer to take her somewhere like the cinema or for lunch at x place instead.

Your financial situation has changed significantly and it must be hard but you need to adjust to this. And it sounds like your friend needs to realise this about you too. (Maybe you’re celebrity ’bankrupt’ where they still seem to have access to lots of cash?!)

If not, you’re never going to dig yourself out of a financial hole if you don’t change your attitude to money. Life will be different with less money but it can still be good.

That is cheeky! I bet a lot of the others think the same unless they're really well off. Even if I won the lottery I still wouldn't pay it. You could say you're doing something that day if you wanted to get out of it.

It's not cheeky as she's asking you if you want to go and these are the restaurant rules.

I would decline and say that you're sorry but that's out of your price range