Would you find this invitation cheeky?

[christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem]

Just looking for opinions

i have a friend who has a birthday coming up in feb. to celebrate, she wants to hire a private dining room and have a dinner with friends.

after running through some options, she’s found the minimum spend for the place is £1500. She’s not sure who she wants to invite yet, as in hasn’t confirmed numbers. She’s sent a message to those already on the list (including me) saying:

“Hi guys

I’d love if you could join me in celebrating my birthday on 14th Feb 26. We will be going to X at 8:30pm for a fun night of food and drinks then on to X for cocktails.

The pricing is looking to be around £170 per person to meet minimum spend at restaurant. Obviously this is going to vary depending on numbers on the night.

I need to put a deposit down of £750 to secure the date so would appreciate if you could confirm and transfer your share which I will then deduct at the time.

cant wait!”

now a few things..

1. I’m happy to go but somethings not sitting right with me
2. Surely she should foot the deposit then be reimbursed by attendees?
3. All attending aren’t friends so I imagine the price per head will vary wildly based on what drinks are being ordered (we’re usually a split equally amongst the group type of friendship)
4. If people drop out (likely) the price is going to go up even further. I get that this is the norm however due to the already variable cost it could basically end up 3-4 people footing a £1500 tab?

do you think it’s a little cheeky? How would you approach this? I don’t want to decline the invite but I do want to make clear I don’t want to have to consider further costs. It’s also worth noting that this restaurant is about 2 hours away in another city so will be factoring in travel and hotel probably as well

If you’re hosting and invite your friends to a party / restaurant then the host should pay.

The host should not be asking guests to help to pay a deposit and / or pay for themselves on the night

i feel for you OP. some people you can’t really be friends with unless you have a lot of money because they only want to do expensive things. it’s a bit shit but that’s life.

what's wrong with a local chinese buffet?

I think your friend posted on here a few months ago. Does anyone else remember the thread about the woman who insisted her birthday wasn't on valentines day, but said it was on a really busy day and wanted to hire a venue but couldn't afford it so wanted to ask her guests to pay?

If she needs to do it like this she should choose something different (cheaper) or at least something more transparent for everyone.

With respect OP, I think it’s becoming clear as to why you’re having to declare bankruptcy. I’m pretty shit with money myself but even I can see that this shouldn’t even be a question. I’m not sure your creditors would be chuffed to hear that you’re planning to spend literally hundreds of pounds on a ridiculously over-the-top event with a bunch of randoms for the gram and a wee party bag. Have a word with yourself here, seriously.

OP, you are declaring, or considering declaring, bankruptcy. You can't afford to even consider this kind of extravagance.

This! WTF.
Madness. You pay for the birthday party you can afford, not go for some great big out of your league do and expect your mates to pay for it!
Not a chance, you can't expect everyone to be able to afford that on a night out.
No way would I pay that.

If you host a birthday celebration, the idea is that you as the host pay. That is an outrageous amount of money given OP's financial situation. I am financially comfortable and I wouldn't be travelling for two hours, paying for a hotel, paying a minimum of 170 pounds for dinner and subbing my friend whose financial situation is so much better than yours. In fact given how tight with money she is, I bet her financial situation is just fine. I don't see how, given you are unable to pay your bills, you could justify spending these amounts or would even be able to do so.

Tell her no, £170 is more than I’d pay for a present!

Yes - I do remember a similar thread to this @Famousinlove but couldn't remember the exact detail. Definitely could have been your friend OP 😅

I’d reply QUICKLY to her privately saying that this is well outside your budget and sadly you will have to decline. I’d also add that the variability of the price depending on numbers may put others off.

Them on the main group chat say ‘I’ve RSVP’d directly to OP on this. Hope it’s a lovely night and sorry I can’t be there.’

It's up to you but I would not spend £170 on a night out or go to a restaurant that is 2 hours away.

If I were to make a prediction I would say that some people will drop out and the cost will go up. And that you will spend on travel and a hotel. If that is what you want and can afford, go for it.

If not, just say you cannot attend.

I don't think she is wrong to ask for money up front, if people drop out she could end up footing a massive bill.

I can't imagine food or company being worth what this evening will cost!

Are you filing fir bankruptcy? Hard no.

Really cheeky but she just expects you to pay. My friends would never expect this. Is it really a friendship or a showmanship? For £170 I would want lunch, drinks, dinner and a b and b for the night! You need to say no.

£170 for a meal and drinks for one person is a lot - and it sounds highly likely it will be more than this - so decline now while you can. You will be hugely resentful if it ends up being double that or more - and you genuinely don’t sound like this is affordable for you.
Your friend is being inconsiderate of your circumstances and generally tone deaf to what most people can afford. She should definitely be bearing a lot of the cost herself if she wants this so much- and have an upper limit on what her invitees will be expected to contribute.

Your friend wants to have a meal with her friends in a private dining room. I want a Birkin bag. The problem is that neither of us have the budget for the thing we really want. I have largely come to terms with this, but it sounds like she’s in for a rude awakening. Her expectations are completely unrealistic.

You need to be one of the first to get in there and tell her you can’t afford it. Otherwise others will start doing it and as the numbers drop, and the individual deposits go up, she’ll start with the guilt trips and the pressure on you will increase. You’ll end up paying £750 for a meal, plus she’ll expect a gift, I bet, and then you’ll have travel and accommodation costs on top of that. Is she intending on paying for her own accommodation? Or is she expecting you to fork out for that as well? You can’t afford to shell out that sort of money. Even for a wedding, it would be a big ask, but for a birthday? Not a chance. She can choose a nice restaurant in your town where everyone will turn up, or she can carry on with her plans and have a very quiet night.

Just been informed there’s now other things that she’s paying for to make it an “event” ie gift bags and photographer so definitely no way she’ll be subbing. I think the expectation is to pay her share amongst the group too Unless the gift bag is made by Hermes, it’s not going to be worth it.

For my 2 or 3 closest mates I would absolutely be willing to spend this amount of money to celebrate their birthday. But that’s probably because none of them would ever actually ask their friends/family to spend that much on them in the first place! That’s why I really am grateful for the friends I have.

Honestly OP it sounds like your financial situation is such that a swift message to your friend gracefully bowing out from this event is the obvious way to go.

Also, as nobody here knows the full background behind your bankruptcy, other than the recent divorce you’ve mentioned, I find some of the more cruel and judgmental comments you’ve received really quite objectionable. Wishing you better fortune in 2026.

This paying to take part in somebody else’s party or wedding is shite.

When you invite people out, you pay!!

That rule is as old as time.

I wouldn’t have the balls to ask you to pay £170 to come and celebrate ME.
Sheezus.

Same goes for brides asking their bridesmaids to spend a fortune - you’re asking them for a favour so YOU PAY FOR THEIR DRESSES and anything else they might need.
If you can’t afford it? You don’t have it.

Stupid, entitled women, anyhow.
What’s the matter with them?

You are about to declare bankruptcy and are not going to decline this?!

Why not? You cannot afford this bullshit!

@WilfredsPies

Your post made me laugh - ruefully. Because what you said is exactly right.
My mum told me that when she was little, she was hanging out with my grandad and was dying for a Milky Way candy bar.
Grandad said nope. I don’t know why, because those two were thick, but she kept pestering him and he kept saying no.
Finally, he said, “It doesn’t hurt you to want.”
She told me that she was really mad at him and she never got that chocolate.
That was during the Depression, but it’s actually a good lesson for us all.

The invitation isn’t cheeky as such depending on your social circle. You can either pay up and go or decline? Not a particularly arduous task.

You can’t afford the meal so politely decline?

"...and people usually come in round numbers..."

😂😂😂
(Athough, presumably she's rounded £166.67 up to the nearest £10?)

But yeah, OP, it's a little cheeky of her.

“Oh dear I’m busy that weekend sorry”
Your friend is being ridiculous.