To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

[MyLittleAlien]

In terms of relationships ending and childcare arrangements, I honestly think 50/50 sounds like the best setup. I would have loved it if my ex had wanted 50/50 (instead he chose not to see the children at all.) Obviously I wouldn’t want a 50/50 arrangement with someone who doesn’t actually want it, but if he had, I’d have been completely supportive and certainly wouldn’t have tried to fight it.

Online, though, all I ever seem to see are posts from dads wanting 50/50 while the mum is against it or from mums asking how to fight it. I can understand why some mums feel that way, but I don’t feel the same myself.

AIBU to wonder if I’m the only mum who would actually have chosen 50/50? Are there any separated mums on here who do have a 50/50 arrangement and like it, or who would have chosen it if they could?

This isn’t a thread for people who don’t want 50/50 or who have it and dislike it, I’ve already read plenty of those. I’m just wondering if anyone else would genuinely have preferred it. I guess what I’m wondering when it comes it 50/50 is it only men that want 50/50?

I have a 50 50 arrangement and it works really well for us. The downside is that the kids (teens now) don’t have one particular base, but they tell me that they’re fine with this and quite like having two homes, double of everything etc. I’m really glad that my ex-husband is in their lives as much as I am, and they have a great relationship with him. We do one week with me, one week with him.

I hope I would do what was best for my kids.

I don't generally think that 50/50 is in the kid's best interests, but obviously it depends on the situation. If it was, I like to think I'd go with it.

50/50 probably sounds v attractive when you have children full time!

I imagine most mums don’t want that as they will only see their children half the time.

After two weeks of Christmas and no school / childcare, I’d probably let anyone have my kids 50/50 with me. Any volunteers? I can drop them off this afternoon.

I suspect that 50:50 works well if both adults are competent parents and caregivers and have the best interests of the child(ren) as their priority.

I’d assume that the majority of the women fighting against 50:50 are doing so because their ex-husbands don’t meet either of those conditions (which is also probably why they are divorcing them in the first place)

Well it wholly depends on how good the other parent is, without trying to sound sexist there are a whole host of men who are completely inadequate at parenting (of course there are also some women too) but you're hardly going to want 50/50 if you think your kids will be neglected or abused are you

Spot on.

I know someone whose ex wanted 50/50 but she fought it in court (and won) because he’d never even given the child a bath or changed a nappy etc, just wanted 50/50 to get out of paying maintenance.

I don’t believe 50/50 is always in the best interests of kids and I don’t think it would suit my kids but that’s partly because my ex isn’t a good dad 🤷‍♀️ he has them EOW and half the holidays and says that’s too much so wouldn’t be interested in 50/50.

Nope, I love the holidays 😂 way less stressful than term time so it’s not that!

This. I definitely would want much more than 50% of my kids but I’d be fair and recognise my dh deserves 50% too (although his contact would have to include basic school days and all the work that entails). I think not having a home base is probably slightly harder, and definitely harder logistically for the school and sports, but you have to work with that for a good dad. However for all the not very good dads out there, it really sucks for women to have to hand them their kids knowing they were crap lazy parents when they were married to you and that’s unlikely to have changed.

Please I’m only asking on this thread if any mums want/ wanted 50/50
There’s enough threads against it this isn’t about that.

I think it depends on the children and the two home set ups, and ideally both parents would work together to agree co-parenting and possibly trial different contact arrangements to see what worked well and what didn’t and be willing to negotiate based on their children’s best interests and adapt as they get older or their routines change. I have friends who make genuine 50/50 work very well and have very settled and happy children; and one friend who very readily acknowledges that whilst he’d like his sons more, at their current ages they’re benefiting from his ex being a SAHP with lots of family support around rather than having both parents juggling work and childcare to do 50/50, and they’ve agreed that it’s all renegotiable at a later date.

Unfortunately, by the time many couples separate, there’s too much resentment and animosity for them to want to work with each other, each is most interested in their own priorities and desires, and the children end up being caught in the middle of the ruckus or treated as pawns.

That sounds perfect. That would be my choice too, a week on week off.

I have 50/50, I think it works best if you live really close and are very flexible and children centred. There’s a lot of divide and conquer that goes on so dc aren’t dragged about to other dc activities. We count dinners more than overnights, then DC will organise themselves depending on what they are doing. We don’t have doubles of everything but have an open door policy so kids can fetch whatever.

Despite doing 50/50 I rarely have proper child free time when Im not working. We do have four dc aged 10-15 so they sort of drift between the houses. I think it’s quite nice though to get a bit of one on one time

Just to say I can totally understand why some women don’t want 50/50 so I’m not debating it. I can understand it but I just don’t feel the same so it’s not a debate on 50/50.

My friends did 50:50.
Think one was Sun, Mon, Tue other was Wed Thu Friday with alternative Saturday.

It worked well until kids were mid teens and wanted to be with parent nearest their friends more often.

Kids had great relationships with both parents and respective grandparents. The parents were great at allowing tea with the other for birthdays etc and managed to go to parents evening together.

It was completely about the kids despite one having a new partner and eventually further children.

I'm a Stepmum and we would have loved 50:50 but unfortunately, my stepdaughter's Mum has always done everything in her power to limit the time my husband has his daughter as much as possible. I've never understood it. It has impacted on his relationship with his daughter quite a bit as you just don't get the same bond from every other weekend and one night midweek, which was the most we could negotiate.

Eventually, it wasn't even that, and we moved away- we'd been staying in the area to be close to her but it was a very difficult place for us to be and it wasn't worth it for how little we were seeing her. She's 16 and comes in school holidays now, but her Mum still does everything possible to discourage her from coming.

They did mediation but the only way she'd have agreed to more time is by court order and ultimately we decided that going through court had more cons than pros.

Personally I wouldn’t want 50:50 and I’ve never seen it work in person in the child’s favour as children, especially as they get older, often want a “base”, a place of their own where they feel settled. Not saying it can’t work, just that I haven’t seen it work, as my friends who have done this have had kids who have been unsettled and eventually chose their own “base” when they were old enough. My own kids see their dad twice a week and have a great relationship with him and a happy home life with me. I wouldn’t want it any different for mine as I believe it’s best for the kids, and not going to lie, also best for me. But I also accept that other situations can be different. I suppose it depends on the people involved and whether the father did 50:50 when in the relationship and also the kids and what they want.

My impression is that many parents separate after children arrive in part because one parent is unable to share their partner with children, and /or one partner feels they end up doing all the parenting, resulting in resentment.

So, if you think your partner is a crap parent to your children, and ditched them because they wanted you to look after then as well as the children ... why the heck would you think 50:50 was right for those children?!

And that's a fairly nice dynamic. If you broke up because your partner was abusive towards you and your children, and they were opting for 50:50 to get at you, or to keep their accesories (children who regard them with a childs love) then obviously you're going to fight against it
...

Yanbu. It is completely reasonable and decent to want your child to have a close relationship with their loving and involved father.

Sadly it seems quite a lot of men do not feel the same. My ex demanded 50:50 when he thought it meant paying no maintenance, and gave him the right to walk into my house whenever he felt like it.

His enthusiasm lasted three days until he discovered he had to change dirty nappies, get up at night, meals took a while, nursery pickups meant he couldn't travel for work and he couldn't go to the pub or play tennis.

After that, ex refused to have ds overnight until he was toilet trained and could use a knife and fork. By then he'd rather missed the moment so ds has always lived with me and is happy and settled.

The country where my children were born, it is presumed that contact will be 50/50 when parents split. This is the socially accepted way to do things - at least in the circles I was in.

It meant men went into fatherhood knowing that they might have to be full time father half the time. I found the attitudes were very different - and never really came across men having (several) children and then just walking away.

I’m just about to embark on this as we have just separated and have teens. 50/50 is the only way to my mind, ex DH is as hands-on a parent as I am and neither of us would have it any other way.

That sounds brilliant. Maybe they’d be less deadbeats if it was expected from the start whereas in the UK it’s socially acceptable for men to walk away and not bother with their kids anymore.

I wanted 50/50 and got 50/50. Having gone through it from a toddler to teens when they got to decide with my oldest, as soon as they could it stopped. They absolutely hated it.

If I split with my dh I absolutely wouldnt agree to 50/50 with our younger kids, but dh also doesn't think its best for kids either. We would be flexible but both of us think that its far to destabilising for the kids.

My kids have additional needs, and are really hard work looking after them full time. As selfish as it sounds, I would love to only be their carer 50% of the time, and have 50% restbite.

In reality, they are not safe with their farther, so even if he wanted it (he doesn't), I would have to fight against it because their need for safety trumps my need for rest.

If DH and I split up we'd have 50/50. But he's a proper dad who knows his children's routines, he knows their likes and dislikes, he knows their medications and what time they're at school/afterschool club/Cubs/etc. it would absolutely be in the children's best interest to split their time between.

I fought tooth and nail against my ex having anything more than EOW as 50/50 with him would have been a disaster for our girls. Thankfully the courts agreed.

Most mothers I know would be happy about 50/50 if they knew their children were going to be well looked after, and it was best for them. The ones that fight against it generally do so as the dad's sole motivations are revenge or not paying maintenance.

Instead of asking other parents how much they like 50/50 why don’t you ask children who actually had to live the kind of life where you move between homes every few days ….