To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

[MyLittleAlien]

In terms of relationships ending and childcare arrangements, I honestly think 50/50 sounds like the best setup. I would have loved it if my ex had wanted 50/50 (instead he chose not to see the children at all.) Obviously I wouldn’t want a 50/50 arrangement with someone who doesn’t actually want it, but if he had, I’d have been completely supportive and certainly wouldn’t have tried to fight it.

Online, though, all I ever seem to see are posts from dads wanting 50/50 while the mum is against it or from mums asking how to fight it. I can understand why some mums feel that way, but I don’t feel the same myself.

AIBU to wonder if I’m the only mum who would actually have chosen 50/50? Are there any separated mums on here who do have a 50/50 arrangement and like it, or who would have chosen it if they could?

This isn’t a thread for people who don’t want 50/50 or who have it and dislike it, I’ve already read plenty of those. I’m just wondering if anyone else would genuinely have preferred it. I guess what I’m wondering when it comes it 50/50 is it only men that want 50/50?

Exactly, they always fight it so they can live off their ex. They are in for a big shock when they realise that 50:50 is now the norm.

I wanted 50/50 and we'll be moving to our new houses soon hopefully. When we decided to have a child I was very clear that it would be an equal effort as we both have careers that are important to us. I wouldn't have done it otherwise. We did shared parental leave and I feel like our child is equally bonded to both of us, so why would we do anything else now that we've separated? We've put a lot of effort into explaining the situation to our 5 year old and I'm confident that he'll adapt in time, provided we maintain a good co-parenting relationship (which we're both committed to doing).

It's not going to be perfect and I expect I'll feel shit at times, but I'll survive and yes I think I will enjoy having some time to myself and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying this (lots will disagree I'm sure). But saying all that, my ex isn't a useless shitbag like some which makes all the difference

I'm not sure what your point is? Many children would like their parents to stay together, but the parents for various reasons can't make that happen. They can think about what will make the children most settled and happy when it comes to their everyday life and seeing each of their parents. My impression is that having one base and visiting or going out with the other parent is easier for them.
One parent looking after the children 24/7 is unfair and exhausting and I take your point that it's not a good option.

i dont think this is one size fits all, it’s all circumstantial.

If you’ve always equally shared care and you can coparent well then it may work for the children.

I don’t think this can work unless there is a good relationship with good communication. My ex will not allow me to call if DC leaves their PE kit with him or whatever, I have to message and expect a response within 24hrs which isn’t good enough if I need it the next morning.

I know you're a troll, but for those also reading, this is why that is ridiculous.

For parents earning the UK average, where one parent never has the children overnight, the monthly maintenance is 520GBP

No-one's living it large on that.

It's 1 week's work at minimum wage - if they were 50/50, then a person could earn it and still have a week off a month in the time they are no-longer responsible for the kids.

@GiantTeddyIsTired
my ex is unemployed, I won’t see a penny from him. I genuinely don’t think 50/50 is in the best interests of DC, I wish I did but I don’t.

That was my point. Neither is a parent raising kids 24/7 alone a good thing for children. That will have a negative impact on children so nothing is ideal.

Oh, and that's for 2 children.

I spend more than that on food for my two kids in a month...

I saw this and it was exactly how I felt. I would never ever chose to raise kids alone. I would have given anything for a 50/50 arrangement. This should be the norm. I didn’t have my kids to raise them alone this should not be considered normal.

But it's not a binary choice: raise children alone or 50/50 with the other parent. There are other options including one parent providing the main home and the other having them overnight, for weekends and holidays in a pattern which allows the main parent proper downtime.

No it isn’t but this is what my ideal choice would be which is what I said and why I was asking if I was the only mum that would have chosen 50/50 given the choice. I explained why eow doesn’t sound appealing (to me)

Same here. Screen time at any given time so they don’t disturb while he is gaming or on Instagram, no homework done, no reading time, take aways all the time. As much as I would love to have some me time, I just can’t bare my kids to be raised like that. And all social life, play dates, parties, bdays would be on me anyway. What is sad is the kids would love that, if asked they would stay with their dad 100%, they hate the rules with me and they call me boring, while their dad is the fun relaxed one.

It’s a shame that your ex is unwilling to be part of your DC’s life ☹️ but yes, I believe 50/50 is best for children (caveats below) and this is supported by academic research.

If all avenues have been explored eg, talking about what it could look like, mediation with a family mediator to help talk about it etc; then in your situation, at this time, it’s easier and better for you to not be 50/50. Time will tell if it affects your DC in the future in terms of outcomes (educational, psychological, relationship, confidence, self esteem).

I have experience of being brought up in a household whereby my dad couldn’t be bothered either. He had his new girlfriend (who he later married) and him seeing us was a tickbox and emotionally he was unavailable.

Hindsight is great isn’t it as my view now, dealing with what that relationship did to me in adulthood (feeling of abandonment, choices I made in my relationship based on how my dad treated me and my mum) wasn’t great. In a way, I wish he wasn’t in my life at all. Back in the 1980’s it was encouraged to see your dad EOW because “he’s your dad”. I personally think that was wrong advice as he wasn’t interested, nor was he a good dad, he was a sperm donor; and that was known and clear by me from a very early age (around 7 years old).

Depending on what you’re measuring as outcomes, for example educational/ career, I was successful in my own right. The feelings of abandonment put me in a position to be the best at school and then in the workplace (perfectionist, people pleaser). But if we’re measuring physiological outcomes, the set up only seeing my dad EOW was damaging for my relationships, choice of man I chose to have a child with, and the whole people pleasing thing was because of the love I didn’t get from my dad (I’ve been therapy, can you tell?!)

I should have been nearer 50/50 with mum and dad, or not seen my dad at all.

My DD is currently thriving from 50/50 set up. It will be interesting to see how she is as she moves into adulthood. We talk a lot and she’s very bright and emotionally intelligent (which helps). I genuinely believe if she saw me or her dad less than 50/50, she’d be really conflicted. With her being an only child, she has no divided loyalty with either of us. She loves us both equally and enjoys both our company.

Look, as per my previous posts, there are so many nuances to if 50/50 would work or not. The main ones being how capable the other parent is, how much the normal caregiver is willing to let go of some of the things that aren’t their way of parenting, and most significantly, age of the children. Research suggests that younger children do benefit from having a base home, one carer, with visits to the other parent, as opposed to 50/50. The increase visits/overnights as they get older.

Yep that's basically my next door neighbour😂 Her youngest child with her current partner and they like having friends over on their "free " weekend when it's just the youngest and not the older three as well...

They also send the youngest away for sleepovers just so they get peace to themselves (as if the mum doesn't get enough child free days as it is!). Utterly selfish people. All that for the latest sh*g.

The youngest child from her previous partner was only 4yo when she must have conceived the child to her current partner....suspect this child is the product of an affair with her current partner.

Lack of a moral compass.

OK - but again - the difference there isn't the 50/50, but that there's an engaged father.

50/50 with an engaged father may be the very best. But forced 50/50 a father cannot be. Therefore it's not the 50/50 - but the parental participation that is the difference - an engaged father wouldn't want anything other than 50/50, and forcing a father to have 50/50 who doesn't want it must be a recipe for disaster.

I agree only time will tell - so far, they don't miss their dad, they're achieving well at school, and generally were far more affected by other aspects of their life than him leaving our household

Have you ever asked him to do more than what he does? (You haven’t said what he’s doing, sorry)

As long as you have done what you can to include their dad in the lives, you can be comfortable and confident that you’ve done what you can to engage him to be an actual dad 50% of the time. It’s his loss if he doesn’t and as you say, DC are doing well, so that’s all you can do, and ask for.

I appreciate what you've said here but I am cynical of my neighbour who on her "free days" only has the youngest to her current partner and chooses to lie in rather than taking the youngest to nursery at 9am - she'll often drop the child off at 11am instead. The mum doesn't appear to work. She will get a shock when the child starts primary this year. She'll be forced to get up early on these days she doesn't have her older three children, to take the youngest to school. This is week days I am talking about.

It must be difficult for some women to switch from being in mum mode to single. Others I think take the mick....

@DrKovac
Do you have any links to research showing young DC benefit from a main household/carer?

Had to scroll back on my ChatGPT search as I remember reading it ages ago, I’ll copy and paste but it was point 3:

Big caveats (important if you’re comparing to “one main carer + one overnight/week”)

1. Selection effects are real: families who manage 50/50 are often (not always) more socio-economically advantaged and/or better able to cooperate, which can partly explain better child outcomes even if studies control for some factors.
2. High conflict / coercive control / safety concerns: “more time” isn’t automatically better if it exposes children to ongoing harmful conflict, manipulation, or unsafe parenting. Some studies and reviews focus specifically on how conflict interacts with parenting time and quality.
3. Very young children and frequent overnights: the evidence is more mixed and contested for infants, especially around attachment/security and very frequent overnights with a non-primary caregiver. Two often-cited pieces in this debate:

• Tornello et al. (2013) – frequent overnights associated with more attachment insecurity among infants (interpretation debated).
• McIntosh et al. (2010) – Australian work raising developmental concerns for infants/preschoolers in some overnight patterns (also debated).

Point 1 source - childrenbeyonddispute.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Pruett_McIntosh_Kelly_Parental_Separation_and_Overnight_Care_2014.pdf

Point 2 - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6880406/

Point 3 - https://farskampmotsystemet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/2010-mcintosh-postseparationparentingarrangementsanddevelopmentaloutcomesforinfantsandchildrencollectedreports.pdf

It’s your experience, I get that (and she sounds bloody awful, poor kid).

But perhaps consider the generalised view you’ve posted accusing all mums who want 50/50 only want it for a shag. It wasnt tactful, totally inaccurate and inconsiderate of how fuckin hard separation and divorce actually is on parents trying to make a shit situation as good as it can be for a child.

Apologies if I have caused offence - it wasn't intentional. It's just the way my neighbour behaves isn't giving a great impression on this topic.

It sounds like you've tried to give your own DC a fair amount of time with each parent in a way that works best for your circumstances 👍🏻

@user1476613140 I appreciate you saying that. I don’t get offended by online things, I just wanted to point out that it was a very generalised comment, and you’ve accepted that 🫡

Thing is, there will always be knobhead mums like your neighbour, and knobhead dads as mentioned on this thread who don’t want anything near 50/50. I’ve come across both in my experience, opened my eyes a lot when I went back into dating (a good 14 months after separation) that there are mums who don’t put kids best interests first and harbour a nastiness towards ex’s (seen it in my friendship group too) and use kids as pawns in their weird games. I can’t understand it as it wouldn’t and hasn’t crossed my mind to ever do that against my ex (and he was an arse in our relationship so have every reason to hate him)

What job are you finding that allows you to have a week off every month?!

Obviously you could realistically find a part time job at £15 an hour working 64 hours a month, but you could also do that anyway when the kids are at school. 50/50 isn’t magicking up some fictional job that suddenly allows you to work early mornings and afternoons and weekends and give you a week off - which is what it would have to do to make your theory correct 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️