To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

[MyLittleAlien]

In terms of relationships ending and childcare arrangements, I honestly think 50/50 sounds like the best setup. I would have loved it if my ex had wanted 50/50 (instead he chose not to see the children at all.) Obviously I wouldn’t want a 50/50 arrangement with someone who doesn’t actually want it, but if he had, I’d have been completely supportive and certainly wouldn’t have tried to fight it.

Online, though, all I ever seem to see are posts from dads wanting 50/50 while the mum is against it or from mums asking how to fight it. I can understand why some mums feel that way, but I don’t feel the same myself.

AIBU to wonder if I’m the only mum who would actually have chosen 50/50? Are there any separated mums on here who do have a 50/50 arrangement and like it, or who would have chosen it if they could?

This isn’t a thread for people who don’t want 50/50 or who have it and dislike it, I’ve already read plenty of those. I’m just wondering if anyone else would genuinely have preferred it. I guess what I’m wondering when it comes it 50/50 is it only men that want 50/50?

It’s a really good point that age matters in relation to 50/50. As they get older, they can have more of a say. Younger children probably do need a ‘base’ but that’s not to say it doesn’t work. As they move into tween/teen ages, it can work.

All of this 👌🏼

This in particular is accurate:

I have always considered my ex’s ability to be a good parent separately to his ability to be a good husband

When you remove the variable of poverty the impact usually goes away

Please update us on the result when it concludes! Good luck

I tried to get my sons dad to agree to 50/50 for years but he always said no then told our son he wanted 50/50 but I wouldn’t let him. Absolute joker glad I dont have to deal with him any longer.

I think most people are against 50/50 because if dad did 50/50 during the relationship, they most likely wouldn’t have spilt up so they’re doubtful he’ll actually step up.

I don’t actually know any dads who do more than every second weekend. My husband had his kids 3 nights a week when we met but his ex gradually whittled that down using alienation. One of his children lives with us full time now though, the other comes when she feels like it.

This.
The amount of maintenance I get I could earn in a day contracting (I’m currently part time employed in senior professional career, but can apply for promotions due to child care)

The 'financial incentive' largely comes from the economic disadvantage many women face in the first place because they have been the primary, default parent. I don't know why this keep being skipped over tbh.

I grew up without my dad after my mum remarried. He was happy for me to make all the effort when I got in touch when I was a bit older but made no effort himself. We're no longer in touch. I don't recall him ever really asking after my daughter.

I also grew up with an abusive step-dad, who was happy for me to make all the effort to keep in touch after he and my mum divorced but makes none himself unless he wants something. We're no longer in touch. He rarely asked after my daughter either.

I didn't miss having my dad around (my brother did), and I could have happily lived without my step dad being around.

My mum done her best to a point but was also abusive in her own way and my relationship with her is complicated.

I think it's fair to say I don't have a very positive view of either 'dad' and if my daughter's dad was like either of them, I would want full custody.

Surely it depends on your family? I'd accept a 50:50 arrangement if I broke up with dp but he already does half the childcare and I'm confident he will prioritise the dc's needs. I imagine I'd feel very differently if he was a shitty dad!

I think 50/50 would work in very specific circumstances - eg. you live next door to each other, you're still very friendly, or you nest (kids stay in same place, parents move in and out)

I think in almost every other circumstance, it's shit for the kids.

I'm not denying, it would be fantastic if I had 50% of my time with no childcare responsibilities - half the school runs, half the washing - I would feel so free, but I also recognise that I wouldn't want to be moving house every week, or every couple of days, and I don't think my kids would. They don't even like going on holiday TBH, let alone having to split themselves across 2 houses.

Especially if there's also animosity between the parents so every hand over is contested with a bad atmosphere, and if I forget something I'm not getting it.

I don’t imagine so, no. I just don’t think we talk about good co parenting situations enough? I chose to have my child with an amazing dad. There is nothing that I do that he couldn’t do and vice versa. I don’t have to police him or remind him.
Also briefly saw a comment about it being ‘selfish’ and the kids moving from place to place with a bag - my child doesn’t do this. She has two parents who both provide. She has clothes, toys, toothbrush - all the things - at both houses. If for some reason she left something at the other parents house that she desperately wanted (like her comfort teddy etc) we would just go and get it for her.

I honestly think it’s so sad that such a large amount of women have had children with incapable men, who genuinely seem to believe that even though children are made 50/50 that the only parent who is capable of catering to all a child’s needs is the woman. It’s mind boggling to me.

Correlation != causation.

Single parents are also vastly more likely to be in poverty, which also results in worse outcomes. There's likely a massive difference between a relationship that breaks down when the child is 10 vs. when a child is a baby etc.

I read a study from Norway (I think, I'm not going to google for it now) that found that fathers living further away was correlated with better educational outcomes for the children - their theory was that having a single person have authority for decisions/over all the day to day was the reason (and TBH, read here about how many fathers don't help with homework, and it might even be as simple as that)

I was open to 50/50 - I suggested nesting - but ex said from the outset that he wouldn't do that because he had to travel for work (so did I - not that I can now, so that's put a downer on my career!), and now he sees them for the day, a couple of times a month. TBH, that's actually working pretty well for the kids, although it's exhausting for me.

One of my friends growing up went 50/50 with her parents. They lived next door to each other and she loved it. This was a long time ago when divorce was uncommon and her df was very hands on with his dc.

They're not 'made 50/50' though.

I'm not convinced it's the best set up for the child who will constantly be moving from one house to the other and not have a single stable base

As someone who does 50/50 I do not agree with this at all.

There is 100% a financial incentive for women not to do 50/50. I could get hundreds of pound a month from my daughters dad if I didn’t do it.

50/50 doesn’t give you free reign to work full time or materially help with childcare in the workplace. You still have 50% of your working week where you have to find childcare for your children by yourself - and likewise the other parent has to find it the other 50% of the time?
My children are either in nursery or I pay for after school club, so that I can provide for them. Regardless of whose parents house they are at. We both work full time. If I didn’t do 50/50, the money I would get from the other parent would more than foot the bill for that. As it stands I obviously pay this myself, as does he.

I personally own my own home and work full time. I didn’t have children until I was financially independent and wouldn't have dreamt of having a child with a man if I couldn’t make it work by myself - particularly if I also thought the other parent incompetent of 50/50. That’s just bad decision making?!

This is true the man only has a role one the very beginning
The baby grows and is nurtured inside the mother's body. The baby is part of the mothers body and research has shown that a part of the baby stays in the mother's body for years and possibly for life.

What about kids that grew up without a dad should we ask if those kids like it too?

Well i missed having a dad around and its given me issues as an adult. And my kids have suffered not having a father.

Mumsnet loves to use the children's best interests as an argument against 50/50, but that stats indicate that the best outcomes for children of divorced parents occur in 50/50 situations. It doesn't overly matter what they say they like. Children living in only one house and barely seeing the other parent don't like it either. Many children hate eating vegetables, going to bed on time, getting up for school every morning, brushing their teeth, and being told to come off screens. It doesn't mean we should leave them to run feral.

Can you help me out with this?

If a child goes let’s say one night a week and then every other weekend, how is this ‘more’ stable and less ‘living out of a bag’ than doing 50/50?!

The harsh truth of it is, if you split up, children are going to have two homes. The logistics or frequency of visits to those two homes is largely irrelevant in that it’s still happening and there will always be a two homes?

Every other weekend is actually more jarring to the child, no?! They are suddenly plucked out of their home for a night, probably feeling like a spare part at the other house as they are not there enough to feel properly included in day to day life, but are forced to go anyway?!

Mumsnet is a very puzzling place sometimes…

I think my life would be easier with 50/50 but I don't think it would be in the child's best interests. 50/50 doesn't provide a good routine and stability, children should be at going to sleep and waking up in the same place on every school day. I don't allow my DC to sleep out on school days. I wouldn't sleep elsewhere on a work night. I'd hate to be split between 2 houses so I wouldn't force that on my DC.
I do think the idea of the parents doing 50/50 from the family home with the parents being the ones to move around whilst the children stay in the family home would be fair on the children. Most parents wouldn't go for that though as they don't want to live between 2 homes. (But think that's acceptable for their DC)

@FerriswheelsKissesandLilacs
the only people that I know have made 50/50 work are those that get on really well…I’m talking key to each others houses well.

If you are in court fighting for 50/50 you don’t get on that well, and there will likely me zero coparenting. That’s why I don’t think it’s in children’s best interests.

I'd say it depends on the dad.
In most cases though even with good father's very small children are much better with their mothers. Babies instinctively recognise their mothers and the mother child bond is much stronger than any other bond.

This is about what set up most mums would like and whether they would like 50/50 or not. All child arrangements are “selfish” or “about the parents” when you split as the best outcome are for parents to stay together ideally. Seeing your child every other weekend is not being a parent and any time a poster on mumsnet says her ex does every other weekend he gets called a deadbeat Disney dad! Seems men cant win