To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

[MyLittleAlien]

In terms of relationships ending and childcare arrangements, I honestly think 50/50 sounds like the best setup. I would have loved it if my ex had wanted 50/50 (instead he chose not to see the children at all.) Obviously I wouldn’t want a 50/50 arrangement with someone who doesn’t actually want it, but if he had, I’d have been completely supportive and certainly wouldn’t have tried to fight it.

Online, though, all I ever seem to see are posts from dads wanting 50/50 while the mum is against it or from mums asking how to fight it. I can understand why some mums feel that way, but I don’t feel the same myself.

AIBU to wonder if I’m the only mum who would actually have chosen 50/50? Are there any separated mums on here who do have a 50/50 arrangement and like it, or who would have chosen it if they could?

This isn’t a thread for people who don’t want 50/50 or who have it and dislike it, I’ve already read plenty of those. I’m just wondering if anyone else would genuinely have preferred it. I guess what I’m wondering when it comes it 50/50 is it only men that want 50/50?

50/50 is great for the kids long term, it does require both parents to make an effort and often bite their tongue! But worth it in the long run.

As someone who isn't 50/50 I absolutely do agree with it (although I do have slightly unusual circumstances, as I live rurally, and so have a longer than normal school run with no public transport (and no school transport - I don't live in the UK)

Just not having to do that 50% of the time would be nearly 2 working days off my plate, which I could be spending actually working (I work remotely and can choose my hours to a certain extent) - lets say that I spent half that newly realised time working - 6 hours - that's nearly 1500EUR a month - plenty of women don't get that in child support anyway.

Here in Portugal it is generally how separated families are made 1 week on 1 week off and pick up from school Mondays. I have a male friend who has this arrangement in PT and it works well with his DS 8. Mother tried for full custody (no abuse involved) but it works well kid has structure and all pick ups and afterschool things fall to whoever’s week it is.

We started with 50/50 and our son loved it. Unfortunately his dad got a girlfriend and dropped DS almost completely.

I really wanted them to have a positive relationship as I believe it is ok DS’s best interests. But we can’t control what his dad chose. Ds is happy now but he does still miss his dad, which is really sad.

Come off it.

Everyone can agree that women’s body’s do the work in pregnancy and childbirth - there is no way around that - but children are made 50/50. We couldn’t do it without men, even though mumsnetters seem to believe we can. It’s 2026… if you’re a man hater that’s fine - I get it.

But children are 50/50 in all aspects, including parental responsibility, and not all men are incapable humans. If you happen to meet one who is, I would suggest not having a child with them 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

My exH and I did our own independent research and concluded the best outcome would be 50/50, so I’d agree with you.

As @Hollabackgurl said, it requires an amicable co parenting relationship, otherwise it’s fraught with issues. I’ve seen it with other families and genuinely feel lucky I don’t have those issues.

Very much putting our differences aside as ex partners and all the hurt that came with the breakup / infidelity etc, and just remembering the little human in the middle of it all and we’re first and foremost parents. We’ve clearly both held our tongue as we’ve allowed solictors to argue our split of finances (which was messy) but both never had any disagreements on DD (now 14) and even more recently, compliments being made both sides on how we’re parenting solo (as it is hard doing that and making decisions on your own without the other person to bounce off).

Let's be honest, the only mums who want 50/50 are the ones who want a little single life back, or who have a new boyfriend and want weekends or something so they can spend with their new partner and have overnight breaks away etc.

What a generalised and inaccurate comment 🙄 Have you even read the whole thread?

It destroyed me not seeing my child for half the week for months, probably over a year. Full on anxiety when she wasn’t with me.

Time made it easier but do not underestimate how hard it is to be a “part time” parent and switch your hat to just being you when you haven’t got your DC with you. It’s immensely lonely and very difficult. You miss out on half of their life every week. And as they become teenagers, you’re lucky if they tell you about it. I have had to find new hobbies and fill my life with other things different to when I was with my husband.

I’m not going to explain the link as it’s outing but someone I know has his kids 5050.
It seems to be because the mum is not interested at all in the kids in this case. She won’t help with the health issues, drs appointments, dentists, pay for anything at all for the kids. But as the mum she doesn’t want to admit to friends/ family that she has given up the kids so she has them “50 /50”. This means they sleep at her house half the time but only on school nights as she has plans every weekend and she never does any admin/ parent jobs. I don’t think it’s malicious it’s because she has very fragile mental health and can’t cope with much. So this 5050 doesn’t work well and the dad gets fed up as he feels like it’s more 9010 on him.

I know another couple where they had 4 kids. Mum was a stay at home mum. Dad left her and was surprised but pleased that she said she wanted him to have the kids 5050.
These 4 kids seem to be doing really well and thriving. The mum has a new career and the dad is always posting fun things he is doing with the kids. So in this case it seems to have worked out really well and both mum and dad have careers and they both care for the kids. At least one parent will be at each football match etc.

I do 50/50. My ex and I both work full time with long commutes. He’s a hands on and capable dad. I would love them more but we both agree this is best for them and us as we can compress our hours on our childfree days, do the school runs each on our days with the children and then we have a long alternative weekend. One parent does Monday, Tuesday. The other Wednesday Thursday. Then Friday -Monday morning we alternate.
it actually feels much less of a juggle than when we were together. I do my office days when I don’t have the children and can be in full work mode, as does he.
We have been doing this 2 years and asked them (10and 8) how they felt it was working and both wanted to keep this arrangement. It may change when our oldest starts secondary but we’ll play it by ear as they get older.

I had 50-50 for a period and it was wonderful. Both of us worked. We lived quite close so it all worked well. I had the best of every world and loved the free time. I too couldn’t understand friends who it looked like were using their children as weapons and denying exes that 50%

No my children are all autistic one of them severely and I find it too hard parenting them alone.

Also to add onto this 50/50 definitely would be better for my kids than a stressed
out exhausted mum struggling to raise them alone. So 50/50 wouldn’t be the worst outcome for all kids.

Interesting that you’re on a women’s forum and can only see women in terms of their relationships to men!

How about women who want to work, travel internationally, prioritise the gym or a hobby, compete in downhill mountain bike competitions, travel to Switzerland for contracting work with the UN, take the overnight shift as a brain surgeon, pursue a relationship with a woman?

Whether you believe that 50/50 is right for the children or not, assuming that men are the reason a woman might not want 100 percent custody when her children have a capable and involved father is wild!

I grew up with a f, and vehemently wish he hadn't existed.

There are always different situations. It will always depend on the individual circumstances and personalities.

Sadly you don’t get to speak for all children. Mine are definitely affected by their father’s absence.

It’s sad how many women think fathers should F off and never bother with their kids again. Will be the same ones screaming about dead beats I bet.

I actually wanted 50/50 so I could work out with childcare hours and earn more than the pissy £100 a month in child maintenance that I got.

Absolutely not, I went for 50/50 because I knew my ex would claim parental alienation to try and get residency to spite me. He told me he would. I covered myself by agreeing to 50/50.

I would like to see some statistics about how many parents split due to domestic abuse. Anecdotally I know one where abuse wasn't involved.

Oh come on! 🙄
Or how about those who respect that being a mother doesn’t automatically give them more right to see and parent their children than their father.
Or those who have asked their children what they want and are respecting that.

No mum realistically wants their child to grow up without a dad, obviously! I think any mother would love their children to have equal contsct
and equal parenting wherever possible. Sadly they can’t. If a DF is absent or abusive it can hardly be pinned on “what the mother wanted.”

Any mother fighting against 50/50 will have good reason for this.

So, err, the kids that do best, are in a family where despite the breakup, the parents are able to be amicable and mature for the kids and put their needs first?

Do you really think it's the 50/50 here that's made the difference?

Do you think that if we forced unwilling exes like mine to take on 50% care, then my kids will have a better outcome?

A friend of mine did this. He and his ex agreed to live close to each other and school and it worked really well. The children grew up really close to both parents (and new partners). Both very involved and determined that their marriage ending would not impact the children.

Compare to my split, ex moved an hr away, wanted eow only. When mine were teens they stopped going as didn't want to miss clubs/friends. They have at best a strained relationship now (all adults) and rarely see him. I have a very close relationship with them.

I grew resentful that I never got any time off as well, never able to advance my career etc so personally as a woman, I would want 50/50 as I think kids need both parents.

Thinking about this more, I didn’t have kids with the intention of raising them alone, if I did I would have used a donor, which I absolutely would never do, so why have you decided someone wanting the father to be 50% involved with the kids he also made 50% of the time is so the mum can enjoy single life and date 🤔 if I wanted to raise kids alone I would have chosen to go it alone and used a sperm donor. What about dads that only want to see their kids eow is that because they want to be single and meet a new woman or is this judgement only placed on women?

Most women fight it because they want to keep all the child benefits and council housing allowances thst go with being PWC.
Then moan all the time about the kids and how the father is useless.