To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

[MyLittleAlien]

In terms of relationships ending and childcare arrangements, I honestly think 50/50 sounds like the best setup. I would have loved it if my ex had wanted 50/50 (instead he chose not to see the children at all.) Obviously I wouldn’t want a 50/50 arrangement with someone who doesn’t actually want it, but if he had, I’d have been completely supportive and certainly wouldn’t have tried to fight it.

Online, though, all I ever seem to see are posts from dads wanting 50/50 while the mum is against it or from mums asking how to fight it. I can understand why some mums feel that way, but I don’t feel the same myself.

AIBU to wonder if I’m the only mum who would actually have chosen 50/50? Are there any separated mums on here who do have a 50/50 arrangement and like it, or who would have chosen it if they could?

This isn’t a thread for people who don’t want 50/50 or who have it and dislike it, I’ve already read plenty of those. I’m just wondering if anyone else would genuinely have preferred it. I guess what I’m wondering when it comes it 50/50 is it only men that want 50/50?

Every other weekend doesn’t appeal to me at all. It basically means getting the highlights without any of the real responsibility, just the fun time, no school runs, no appointments, no routines, none of the everyday, often boring work that actually comes with being a parent. One midweek night for dinner doesn’t come close to balancing that out for me. Every other weekend feels like opting out of real parenting and just showing up for the easy parts.

I think it surely depends on the age of the child? My DD is only 18 months, and the thought of not seeing her every day feels physically painful. I also truly don't think it's in the best interests of very young children to be separated so frequently from their primary caregiver (which is usually mum). I also think a lot of younger children also do better with a proper base where they spend most of their time, rather than being split between two homes.

I can totally see the appeal of 50-50 to working mums with older children, particularly if you have a good relationship with your ex and can agree on how to parent/provide consistency.

I do 50:50 - week about - with my ex and for the most part it works.

If I have to be honest I think that the things I hate about it are all my problems and I hope they’re not the kids’ problems. I hate how lazy my ex is - how depressingly dark and messy his house is - how he lets them eat their dinner in front of the tv - or stay on devices too long - and how useless he is about helping with anything school related and keeping promises. BUT I recognise that he loves them and they love him and he does keep them safe and cared for. And that’s important.

The things that work brilliantly about it are 1) he lives just a minute’s walk from my house so the swapping is easy and they can pop back any time 2) when they are at his house for the week they DO pop over most days to mine, to pick up something or watch a Tv show with me, or I’ll help with homework. So I see them loads. (Conversely when they are with me for the week they don’t go to his house.) So I think I’m the primary carer with the main family home, despite the 50:50. 3) they come to me with their worries and problems and I’m glad of that. 4) they have proper rooms in both houses stamped with their own personalities.

If I’m honest I still rage internally about how imbalanced it is. I have always worked full time, even when we were married, yet I did all the housework, shopping, cooking, planning, school admin. And despite the 50:50 I still do the vast percentage of child related admin and worrying. I also pay more towards everything child related. And our salaries are equal. But he’s a selfish person who has to buy things for himself before the kids. Always has been. So the way I see it - at least I don’t have to live with the miserable git whilst things remain this way. I have a new partner, whom the kids really like, and I’m finally happy.

But - the critical thing is that 50:50 seems to be working for the kids. They are settled. It’s been 3 years. They’re now both teenagers. And things seem to be balanced and calm.

Is it possible to do 50/50 differently than week about? I agree that's disruptive and wouldn't like it myself.

One option mentioned above and which I've seen mentioned before, is a flat is rented for the parents and the children reside in the house with parents alternating.

Is month about a better option than week about? Less movement and disruption for the kids. Or two/three months with one parent, maybe alternating weekends, then the same with the other parent.

50/50 here since DD was 11 (14 now)

I wanted 50/50 because I had an emotional unavailable Disney dad EOW growing up and had zero relationship with him by the time I hit my 20’s.

ExH, whilst an arse in terms of how he ended our marriage, was fully on board with 50/50 and is a really good dad.

I didn’t like it at first - missed DD and felt lost on the days without her. But it was all part of refinding myself tbh. I’d become “mum” and forgot who I was when I wasn’t a mum. I now enjoy the time to myself and feel I have a better set up than the traditional 2.4 family! I get actual time off from being a mum, which makes me a better mum when she’s back with me.

I think 50/50 (or 60/40) works if houses are close together, and you have double of everything. Sometimes a few issues with logistics (eg DD taking things to school from her dads, to bring back to mine after school). But, we make it work.

Communication is key too. We talk to DD on a regular basis if the set up works, review the days etc; we’ve had joint conversations with her and me and her dad talk / text / update on things. This wasn’t always easy when it first happpened but 3 years on, there’s a lot more comms (she a teenager now, so we’ve had to talk!) we both have DD at the centre of our decision making so common ground. With her being a teen now, she knows it’s flexible (Xmas has been all over the place to fit in with his wider family and mine).

Think it also helped that exH and I never disagreed on parenting; always had each others backs when together so nothing has changed in that regard.

Interestingly, whilst dating, I’ve come across so may men that have really had to fight to be in their children’s lives. Courts, mediation etc. And whilst anecdotal, there are a lot of women out there that will do anything to keep their children 100% citing that the ex is a “bad dad” or “they only want the kids so they don’t pay maintenance”. I’m a person who takes everything with a pinch of salt, so I’m not saying I believe every story I’ve heard, but I’m a pretty good judge of character and met some lovely men who genuinely want to be part of their kids’ lives and hit barriers at every step because of overprotective mums, not trusting the dad to be a dad. I personally think there is an element of women holding grudges on the relationship (as boyfriend, husband) and/or not letting the dad step up and learn to be a better dad alone without them. I think generally speaking, women hve much higher expectations of being a “good” parent and so there is judgement against the dad too (I used to be like this when I was with me ex, I’d be critical of him because his way of things wasn’t always “my” way). I’m speaking generally here, but there was definitely a common theme with the people I have met.

My ex was a good dad when we were together, I was a good mum. I genuinely believe I’m a better mum 50:50, and he’s a better dad IYSWIM.

That’s sounds like it works really well! That would be my absolute ideal. It’s mad to me how many women don’t want their exes involved and I honestly don’t believe it’s all down to abuse or them being bad dads either, im sure some are but I’ve lost count the amount of times people have told me im “lucky to get my kids all to myself” or they “wish their ex would disappear” and I find it sad. It’s clear that for some once the relationship is over they just don’t want to see their ex again. I really agree with what you’ve said and I’ve seen a lot of men being denied 50/50 for no good reason.

My stepdaughter's Mum definitely just wishes DH didn't exist. She moved her affair partner in a few weeks after they split and did everything to make him "Dad", including sending him to Dad school events and encouraging SD to make a father's day card for him (instead of her actual Dad) at school. I wonder if the situation would have been different if she didn't live with her mother and have a new partner before they split. She might have valued having someone else to share the load in different circumstances.

As a kid I absolutely hated it. I didn't really feel like I had a home and even though my parents tried to make sure we had everything we needed at their houses I felt like I was living out of a bag. I don't feel like they did a "bad" job of it, but it was a setup that really didn't work for me and one I'd fight to avoid for my kids. I often feel like it's prioritising the parents needs over the kids.

If it works for other families then great, but my experience of it was not at all positive and as soon as I was old enough I picked a house where I "lived", as did my brother.

That’s a shame but I think that’s more common than people like to admit - new partner, don’t want the ex getting in the way.

Quite

We had 50/50 when we split 3.5 years ago but our daughter was already a teen. We did one week each to reduce transitions and doubled up on school uniform, underwear and nightwear to minimise "stuff" being moved between homes. Ex had initially expected EOW, he was a bit shocked when DD asked for 50/50 because she wanted that relationship.

Whilst it was 50/50 in terms of school runs and meals, it was certainly NOT 50/50 on the mental load and I was, and still am, the default parent. DD has had an awful few years health wise and every service will contact me first.

She's now at college and ex moved a 40 minute drive away and no direct public transport between houses. She's decided she doesn't want to switch houses on our terms, and we're (I'm) now working out what that means financially.

Had she been primary school age when we'd split, I wouldn't have wanted 50/50 because I didn't, and still don't, believe her father prioritises her welfare and wellbeing in the same way I do.

I think if we are fully honest about tge situation there's finacial incentives for women to not want 50/50 which is hardly discussed. On the whole apart from odd outliers since tge 1990s children with roughly equal time spent with both parents did better then single mother households and worse those women who had more custody ended up being the poorest cohort of women retirees. It's why early 20 courts began subtly then firmly moving to 50/50. It's hard to read and sounds crazy but really children are better off with both. The amount of men who are physically abuses violent or unable to care are less then those who don't amd can. I would hate 50/50 for myself but if we could live near each other and kids could come and go id mange that. But there's also a risk in situations of DA its tricky.

Exactly. Next door neighbour has her kids 50/50. 2/2/3 arrangement. It just comes across as confusing for the DC. Constantly living out of a backpack.

Great in school holidays as you say as you get a regular break from them, you don't have them all summer or all Christmas. What a swizz.

Yep it definitely comes across as what's best for the parents and not the children the set up I see of my next door neighbour...the kids are constantly back and forth.

Kids next door fo 2/2/3. Two nights with parent A, two nights with parent B then three nights with parent A. Then it swaps around.

Looks a great set up for the adults but not the children.

I agree.

Are you the only parent with this set up? No one else on the thread seems to do this so I wonder if it's just not popular for a reason...

Absolutely selfish. I agree.

Exactly. The children come first.

A family member does this. One week on/one week off. It was hard at first when the divorce was fresh. They got through that and now coparent well, picking up slack from each other. Both parents are fully committed. They live within 5 miles of each other and can’t change that till the youngest graduates school. They also both have family nearby to help. The kids really seem to like it. It was definitely an adjustment, but worked out in the long run.

We gave it a go, but my ex couldn’t commit and soon it fell to me. The kids didn’t like 50-50 and they still saw their dad, just didn’t stay over.

Exactly. And if you ask when they are adults and finally in their own home the resounding response is no. My niece hated living with her suitcase, always getting ready to leave and start again under a different roof.

This

Yes that sounds absolutely awful and I absolutely cannot imagine having to live like that. The poor kids mustn't know if they are coming or going

Switching between homes would never have worked with me as a kid when my parents split when I was 4. I'd have been utterly miserable. Thankfully I lived 100% with my Mum. It would never have worked with my DD either when I split with her Dad when she was 18 months old. She would also have been deeply unhappy. Again, Thankfully she lives with me 100%. We are both proper home birds, but I can't imagine to-ing and fro-ing for years on end is fun even for the most robust kids.

But they are still entitled to their opinion and voicing it, on an open forum! You don’t get to dictate what people write if it’s not something you agree with or if it aligns with your views. Your hypothetical thread is bizarre anyway and not something that is an option for yourself