To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

[MyLittleAlien]

In terms of relationships ending and childcare arrangements, I honestly think 50/50 sounds like the best setup. I would have loved it if my ex had wanted 50/50 (instead he chose not to see the children at all.) Obviously I wouldn’t want a 50/50 arrangement with someone who doesn’t actually want it, but if he had, I’d have been completely supportive and certainly wouldn’t have tried to fight it.

Online, though, all I ever seem to see are posts from dads wanting 50/50 while the mum is against it or from mums asking how to fight it. I can understand why some mums feel that way, but I don’t feel the same myself.

AIBU to wonder if I’m the only mum who would actually have chosen 50/50? Are there any separated mums on here who do have a 50/50 arrangement and like it, or who would have chosen it if they could?

This isn’t a thread for people who don’t want 50/50 or who have it and dislike it, I’ve already read plenty of those. I’m just wondering if anyone else would genuinely have preferred it. I guess what I’m wondering when it comes it 50/50 is it only men that want 50/50?

Or you could ask the kids who didn’t have a father growing up how that made them feel?

That’s the same for me,
my kids have autism and parenting them alone 24/7 is hard work, I would happily wave them off for 50% of the time 🫣

I would love 50/50 as a parent, but I don't think it would be fair on the kids. Unless it was a set up where the children stayed in their own home and the parents moved in and out every few days.

No I wouldn’t do that it would be separate houses for sure

We had a young boy with the worst behaviour I've ever seen in 26 years in education
his parents did 50/50 but both worked full time time so he also stayed with two separate grannies, so 4 homes in total. He would say daily I have no home do you know where I am going tonight. So sad

I know this isn’t really what you were asking or looking to debate, but if I split with my OH I actually wouldn’t want 50/50. My OH is a good dad in some ways but I do the lions share of childcare tasks and carry almost all of the emotional load of parenting. My daughter’s home is with me and I’m sorry if that’s controversial. And actually, I can be more flexible work wise, whereas my husband leaves for work at 7:30am, so it really wouldn’t work him caring for her during the week, at least not overnight, unless he could negotiate a later start a couple of mornings a week. I also think a child should have one home and not spend their lives going between two houses.
Selfishly I also wouldn’t want to never see my child at the weekend. So actually, alternate weekends and a night or two through the week would be what I’d prefer- overnights if he can start work later, or evening visits (he generally is home at 4:30) where he collects her from after school care and brings her home 7:30ish (she’s 11).

My ex does 10 nights a month including 1 weekend a month. He does about 40 percent of the school holidays. He doewnt want anymore and neither would I. It works out about 30 to 35 % of the time. It used to be 10% before he got a gf

I don't want 50/50 for my children because I don't want them to be fed McDonald's or cereal for half the time (or not fed at all because apparently they didn't say they were hungry, just ate all the biscuits out the biscuit tin because they weren't being supervised 🙄), barked at to be quiet whenever they make a noise, put in front of screens the whole time and left to fend for themselves weekend mornings because their other parent can't be bothered to get up.

I like to think that, if they were being fed healthy home-cooked meals, chatted to and supported and taken out for bike rides or trips or engaged with at home, I would feel differently about 50/50 as sometimes it all being on me makes me want to scream.

Same

mumsnet’s stance on 50:50 is pretty much summed up as “oh no, it’s best to have one main parent. Not the dad, obviously “

I do 50/50 on a rotating schedule and it’s great. I do Mon Tuesday with, Wednesday Thursday without, Friday Saturday Sunday with - and then swap the next week. It’s great and it works perfectly. I don’t think I am a true ‘mumsnetter’ though as I like the break I get from my kids and definitely don’t feel as though I’m going to perish with them gone.

I do wonder if how kids feel about these kinds of situations - and this talk of wanting a ‘base’ - is a direct result of what adults say around them. Both my kids have different set ups, one just sees their dad on weekends, and I can honestly say that in terms of how they ‘feel’ - they are both happy healthy and thriving. There is no upset or not feeling like they belong or have a base or stability. This is their stability. It just doesn’t look like the ‘norm’

Naturally if they wanted to be with one parent more when they are older because they want to be near friends etc then that would happen, but I don’t think that’s a reflection on parenting or 50/50 not working - they don’t want to be with any parent at that age 🤣

I would have absolutely hated 50/50 and tbh it wouldn’t have worked well for my son at all. He absolutely thrives having a more ‘primary’ home. But tbh, his dad is absolutely useless so maybe my feelings are biased since he doesn’t look after him well at all. My son’s dad has him EOW at the maximum but quite frequently misses days or brings him back early etc - I do wish he was more involved for my son’s sake but definitely not 50/50.

This 👏🏼 or allowing my 5 year old stay up until 11pm on the Xbox (absolutely ridiculous) or ‘forgetting’ to brush his teeth .. yet remembers to brush his own so unsure on how that works.

My son stays with his dad 2 days a week and I think its more than enough. He needs to know his home is here. I am his primary parent... id never let his dad do 50/50... his dad may want him but he likes to act "cool dad" there is no boundaries, no routines, doesnt tell him to brush his teeth etc, eats what he likes... and whilst my 8 year old thinks thats great currently.. its no good. His dad doesnt meet his emotional/physical needs and would rather play games all day so no I would definitely not choose 50/50

My parents initially tried 50:50. It was awful and me and my brother were miserable. After about 3 months the structure changes to us living with our mum full time

Again I understand why some mums don’t want it but that’s not what I’m asking.

My children's dad will cook himself dinner but apparently didn't realise that the kids also needed to eat 🤔.

Often children don’t want it. It’s not relaxing and comforting to be a nomad with a suitcase moving from bed to bed. Adults wouldn’t want it so I don’t see why it’s inflicted on children

50/50 is horrible for children. I grew up with it and was so happy to leave home and live in one place. The adults suggesting it always didn’t grow up with it and they wouldn’t like to spend 50/50 time living between two homes themselves, which they could always do as separated adults, to minimise disruption for their kids (nesting).
And it’s very tough on your kids because if both parents were totally cooperative together (to the level that 50/50 would need) and were equally good at parenting, then you’d probably still be together as a couple.

I would happily have done 50/50 and did suggest it but it quickly became clear that it would have meant they were not cared for properly for 50% of the time. He had no interest or, as it turned out, ability to parent without supervision. I’m sure a lot of other mums would be happy with 50/50 also if they felt their children wouldn’t suffer.

My ex wouldnt really have wanted 50/50 and I would only have agreed to it if he was willing to put the effort in that I have. However I worked PT while the DC were young and he continued to provide maintenance that allowed me to do that for a few years, both of us acknowledging that looking after children was more my thing than his. He's a great dad at weekends and doesnt shirk responsibilities round having them in the holidays, if they are off school sick and providing financially for them but he's not great on detail or extras. If we had gone 50/50 they would have missed out on a lot.

And I grew up without a father which was also horrible.

There’s an in between to these scenarios OP

I had 50/50 arrangement because I couldn't cope with three children full time. Neither could he plus he did not want to pay me any money. I loved it as it gave me freedom but looking back on it I know my children suffered and would have benefited from an every other weekend arrangement with their miserable dad rather than being forced into being in his house 50% of the time. But, what's done is done, and I cannot change the past.

Well let’s not make out that only kids with 50/50 had horrible childhoods. I don’t think every other weekend sounds great either not enough time to build up a bond. This thread is asking if anyone would want 50/50 not if anyone doesn’t. There’s enough threads about that.