To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

[MyLittleAlien]

In terms of relationships ending and childcare arrangements, I honestly think 50/50 sounds like the best setup. I would have loved it if my ex had wanted 50/50 (instead he chose not to see the children at all.) Obviously I wouldn’t want a 50/50 arrangement with someone who doesn’t actually want it, but if he had, I’d have been completely supportive and certainly wouldn’t have tried to fight it.

Online, though, all I ever seem to see are posts from dads wanting 50/50 while the mum is against it or from mums asking how to fight it. I can understand why some mums feel that way, but I don’t feel the same myself.

AIBU to wonder if I’m the only mum who would actually have chosen 50/50? Are there any separated mums on here who do have a 50/50 arrangement and like it, or who would have chosen it if they could?

This isn’t a thread for people who don’t want 50/50 or who have it and dislike it, I’ve already read plenty of those. I’m just wondering if anyone else would genuinely have preferred it. I guess what I’m wondering when it comes it 50/50 is it only men that want 50/50?

Sorry to hear that OP
What you experienced in your family with your mum however, is not relevant to what I experienced living with each parent 50/50 so I’m not sure what your point is.
Are you saying that the only options should be 50/50 or no contact at all? and if so, why is that?

In an ideal world, yes, 50/50 care would be the default. But it is not an ideal world, and unfortunately 50/50 would sometimes put children in danger. I was advised to withhold my children's contact with their dad for their safety. He was a danger, and if he had fought for 50/50 it would only have been to avoid paying maintenance. I was absolutely petrified when I stopped his contact, both because doing it all on my own was terrifying & because I was scared of being accused of parental alienation when he went to court. As it turned out, I coped just fine once I didn't have him sabotaging my parenting with his constant failures. I didn't have to fear my children being harmed in his "care" (or lack of). And he didn't bother going to court to fight for them, most likely because he didn't actually want to be told he had to be a parent for 50% of the time as it would have completely stuffed up his selfish me, me, me lifestyle. The only thing he has ever fought for has been his money. He has done everything he possibly could to not provide practical hands on care or financial care. Men get to walk away from their parenting responsibilities with little to no repercussions, and they are considered heroes if they do the bare minimum. Women don't get the same treatment. Even if there is 50/50 care, it is often still the mums who are expected to do over 50% of the mental load - booking doctor and dental appointments, managing diaries, buying clothes, getting rid of outgrown clothes, gifts for friends and teachers, gifts for child, etc, etc, etc.
I would have truly loved to have had 50% of my time where I could have just done me, but instead I have had to do everything - including run 3 businesses - on my own for 10 years. I am freaking superwoman. And yet people still judge me for not being enough. Meanwhile a dad takes his kid to the park for an hour and he's given gold medals.
I fail to believe that ANY woman chooses to shoulder 100% of the responsibility unless there is a damned good reason for it, because it is HARD. There are no gold medals for us, just judgement, prejudice, and exhaustion.

I don’t think anyone is making out that only children of divorced parents who shared care 50:50 had a tough childhood. I think you’re just imagining that stance.

I have my two full time (teens) and one of them is home schooled (due to EBSA) not by choice.

I do think sometimes it must just be amazing for the DC to be the other parent’s ’problem’ for big chunks of time.

My ex thinks he’s Dad of the year because he will give the kids lifts and money. He thinks that’s what parenting is. He has no idea what it’s like contending full time with teenage moods and attitude.

Every time my 17yo has a disagreement with her boyfriend we get sulks and attitude for days. I cannot IMAGINE the bliss of waving her off to the other parent and not having to deal with it.

Plus just the fact that when the DC aren’t here I can clean up and the place stays clean. It sounds like such a simple thing but it is relentless constantly doing everything with no break.

So yes, op, I do see the appeal. I also have a DP who has 50/50 custody of his kids and I know it hurts him to not have him all the time but I also see the relief when he gets a break from the relentlessness of it.

No im just not asking whether people liked it or not. I’ve said that I understand why mums wouldn’t so I’ve acknowledged that. My a question was to find out if any mums would have wanted it or chosen it or if 50/50 is something only men want.

I have my child half the time and her other mum has her half the time. My ex-wife is a great, organised, caring mum. We live 2 minutes walk from each other and there is no going "to and fro" with a suitcase! Each house has what our daughter needs and when there are things like homework or hobby equipment that need to transfer from one house to the next, we the parents organise that. It's not our daughter's problem to remember or do it, it is ours (and it isn't difficult, living so close). We chat at handovers and message each other to make sure nothing is missed like special things to take to school/costumes/trips/playdates etc. And as we live so near, there should be no problem n the future with preferring one house because it is nearer to friends. I can't see how it is any more destabilising than an EOW plus one night in the week arrangement. We keep bedtimes/routines similar at both houses and discuss any health issues/worries/problems that arise with each other. We didn't split because we can't be co-operative parents - there are lots of other, unrelated reasons why couples split up.

Lots of mums say they don’t want it because they can’t bare to be away from their kids half the week (which is fine) but it’s not always because they have concerns over the other parent.

I have 50:50 with my ex and it works well for us. We co parent well and the kids have settled in to it well too. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way- he is the only other person who loves our children how I do.

Unfortunately, I think when you dig a bit deeper it isn't just because they can't bare to be away from their kids, it's because they fear for their kids' safety. Unfortunately far too many dads are just Disney Dads, who can do the fun stuff but not the actual parenting. They choose 50/50 on paper simply to avoid paying maintenance, because God forbid his ex-partner "lives a champagne and caviar lifestyle on MY money". Mums tend to want 50%+ care for their childrens' sake, Dads tend to want 50/50 for their bank account's sake.

And, yep, my parents were also divorced and I was an EOW kid. I hated it. I was a rare case of an abusive mother who was given custody, but I still hated going to my dad's. It meant leaving my friends, my pets, and despite knowing full well that my mother was abusive my dad didn't give a hoot whether I was OK. Personally, I wanted my kids to have one stable parent & one stable home. I didn't want to be like my dad and send them to an abusive parent simply because I wanted time off for myself. I could never, ever, ever put my own wants above my kids' needs.

There are so many variables - the kind of child, the number of children, the involvement of each parent, how present each is able to be, school proximity, friend proximity, the personalities of the children, finances. Even with a very involved dad 50/50 wouldn't work for my daughter - I wouldn't have to worry about her at all, but she needs stability, safety and familiarity, it's just who she is. She likes us both around, and neither of us wants half our time without her anyway. We are fortunate that we get on ok and so we have decided to keep living in the same house for now, as difficult as that is in other ways. My next preferred option would probably be the one where the kid stays in the house full time and the parents rotate in and out.

I don't believe that 50/50 should ever be the presumption because in reality most households aren't set up that way either. If you're not a 50/50 parent beforehand why should you be after? Most custody is determined directly between the parents but where it's not, it should always be based on what's best in the given situation, not fitting square pegs into round holes.

The court, social services, cafcass, police, CAMHS, schools all asked my kids if they ever wanted contact from their father again. They all consistently and independently said they never wanted to see or hear from him again. They were listened to (together with significant safeguarding concerns) and their voices were heard. It is the most empowering, healing and child focused decision ever taken for them, and it took real grit and strength from me to see it through for them. Don’t assume that two parents is automatically better or that children automatically want contact with both parents.

Not all dads are abusive though, of course that’s different. I do think some women just want to be the RP and that’s perfectly ok.

Of course but statics are clear that children growing up without a father tend to have the worst outcomes in life. Children with fathers involved tend to have better outcomes statistically across all areas. I’m not talking about abuse so not sure why that’s coming up and that would be understandable that someone didn’t want 50/50 in that situation this is about if any mums WANT 50/50 which im sure they wouldn’t in that situation so wouldn’t comment.

Not divorced but I would go for 50 50 as one of the kids is high support needs (autism and LD) and I would need a flipping break. Not in the children's best interests to be honest but most courts award this so there's no point fighting it

I know someone whose 10yo daughter has done alternate weeks between her parents houses for years. It seemed tough for my friend when her DD was little but works really well now. The parents have developed a lovely co-parenting relationship, attending school and hobby events together, and their daughter seems genuinely well adjusted, happy and close to both their mum and dad.

@MyLittleAlien “Children with fathers involved tend to have better outcomes statistically across all areas.“

correlation ≠ causation

From a personal pov, I would love more free time (96/4) as I’m shouldering all the parenting.

From a protecting my child pov, I am absolutely delighted and relieved my ex (upto now) hasn’t suggested any more time than 8.5 hours every Saturday day time.

We have 50-50, and it works well

Then why bother starting a thread? Seems a bit odd to just have a thread of how much we all love 50-50.

Just because a mother doesn’t want 50-50 it doesn’t mean the children will have no father.

It’s better for children to have a main base, not split between two homes equally. I would have hated that as a child. Children need stability.

Just wondering if any mums wanted it. I’ve seen loads of threads of mums that don’t so wondered if anyone was the opposite. You can scroll if it’s pointless

That’s good im glad to hear it’s worked well for some people.

This is the only way I would do it too. It’s better for the children and they come first.

I just wanted to say I do hate the ‘I’m not talking about abuse’ folk who seem to believe that abuse is rarer than hen’s teeth 🙄🙄🙄

It's not so much that I wanted it as my DC deserves to have two parents. If I was being selfish it would be all or almost all just me. But I love both of my own parents and DC is entitled to the same regardless of my feelings for EXH. He has turned out to be far more engaged now I'm not there picking up the slack which does make it easier for me to see as the right thing.