To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

[MyLittleAlien]

In terms of relationships ending and childcare arrangements, I honestly think 50/50 sounds like the best setup. I would have loved it if my ex had wanted 50/50 (instead he chose not to see the children at all.) Obviously I wouldn’t want a 50/50 arrangement with someone who doesn’t actually want it, but if he had, I’d have been completely supportive and certainly wouldn’t have tried to fight it.

Online, though, all I ever seem to see are posts from dads wanting 50/50 while the mum is against it or from mums asking how to fight it. I can understand why some mums feel that way, but I don’t feel the same myself.

AIBU to wonder if I’m the only mum who would actually have chosen 50/50? Are there any separated mums on here who do have a 50/50 arrangement and like it, or who would have chosen it if they could?

This isn’t a thread for people who don’t want 50/50 or who have it and dislike it, I’ve already read plenty of those. I’m just wondering if anyone else would genuinely have preferred it. I guess what I’m wondering when it comes it 50/50 is it only men that want 50/50?

I would definitely want 50:50 if I was prioritising my own needs and best interests. In many families though the actual needs and best interests of the children themselves is to have a stable main home so I would only actually push for/agree to 50:50 if this caused no stress or disadvantage to the child. I would also take into account how capable and effective the other parent is at all the wifework labour of arranging orthodontists and haircuts and shoe fittings etc without being managed/prompted, and at supervising homework and extracurricular activities. If there's a 50:50 arrangement and the kids just have fun and don't do anything practical in the 50% time with one parents and have to fit all the practical boring useful stuff into the 50% time with the other parent then that means the capable and effective parent is getting shafted and gets hardly any quality leisure time with the DC. In an ideal arrangement where the other parent was equally capable and effective and took a 50% share of the practical boring useful stuff, and if the 2 parents live not too far from each other so it's easy to pop over to grab a forgotten item, and if the kids are happy and don't feel unbalanced by not having a single main residence then yes 50:50 is great.

My friend has similar and liked it as she had time to date and exercise and work late. Even though her ex wasn’t great and practical stuff like making healthy meals she wanted him to do his fair share of the childcare.
I think this is often chosen as it suits the parents /they get a decent break and time off for rest and socializing and dating.
if you have someone you trust to parent decently, who lives close to children’s school, and who communicates well about things like big purchases, it could work.
(I feel sorry for kids not having a base to truly settle into but I realise this thread isn’t about that!)

You should definitely claim child maintenance and should be awarded it in that set up look at the online calculator

It’s the best set up for the parents, it’s horrible for the kids

When we split up my children were very young and I wouldn’t have wanted 50/50 at that age as it would have been too unstable for them.

I would have been willing to work towards 50/50 and at 8 and 10 now, I can see that having their dad much more in their life would be good for them.

Unfortunately their dad isn’t a great parent and struggles to make sensible choices about things like food, screens, routine, bedtime etc. Won’t have them for any time he would need to pay child care, and isn’t interested in having more than 4 nights a fortnight (used to be 2).

So, with him, there is no way I’d agree 50/50. With a different person I would.

I was fine with 50/50 growing up.

We all fight against what we had growing up and us it as an excuse to do things differently.

”We moved around a lot so I was determined to stay in one place when I was an adult”

”We stayed in our small town so I was determined to spread my wings and move around when I was an adult”

Im sure if you lived in one home you’d find something wrong with that too!

The family moved in four years ago. The three older ones are currently approximately 13, 11 and 9. Just to give a little context. The youngest is the child of the current partner and the mother of the older three children. She's 4yo.

Yes it does look downright miserable for the three children. I see the biological Dad waiting for the three older children in his car when it's "his" day to collect them all. Each running into his car from the house with a carrier bag of items or backpack....sad.

Nope I was brought up in one home and didn't find anything wrong with it. Just usual squabbles with the family that most people have. I wouldn't have liked moving around, I think it would have created a lot of instability.

I don’t think that there are financial incentives for women to not want 50/50, in fact the opposite for the majority of women they would be a lot better off with 50/50 which is the reason so many men refuse it.

If you are a single parent with primary custody the hit to your career is huge. You either work school hours/very part time which is poorly paid. And make do financially with maintenance, universal credit and a small wage.

Or you work a normal hours job and have childcare every day which is expensive, and also ties you to leaving work at a fixed time. You can never put in the extra 110 percent effort which often results in promotion. You can’t easily travel for work. You can’t take shift work. You can’t take on call work. You can’t stay late in an emergency. You can’t work weekends because you’ve still got the kids for half of them.

I am very very lucky that I have been able to set things up so I work mostly self employed to my own schedule, from home, 4 days a week. I can drop off and pick up most days, use childcare for the rest, and still earn enough that I’m well off. I have to be in London roughly one day a month for meetings/events/conferences etc and that is always a nightmare managing around the kids but I’m fortunate that my parents help. I would probably earn double if we were 50/50 - I turn down so much work because it involves international travel, regular in person meetings, evening meetings etc. So effectively the cost of single parenting is that plus childcare plus the additional costs of supporting the children, plus the longer term implications to my pension. The maintenance I get is £400 a month.

50/50 on fixed days is the only single parenting schedule which allows for equality in career development and earning potential for both parents.

Yes the family next door do 2 nights parent A/2 nights Parent B/3 nights Parent A then switch about.

They don't do alternate weeks.

Currently going through family court to fight against 50/50 because…

• STBXH won’t speak to or communicate with me. You cannot coparent like that.
• DC are young, they need stability and routine
• STBXH has never looked after them, he currently has them EOW and is spending more time with them than he ever has
• i can list more if need be

I could be happy doing 50/50 as my partner is a very involved dad so I know DS would be well looked after (DD would choose to live with me full time) but I would hate to give up so much time and I'm not sure DS would be happy not having me at bedtime. But also, objectively speaking, I know that DS would be better off at his dad's during the week, until he's a bit older, because my partner's work is much more flexible, can easily take the day off if DS is sick and can be home with him in the mornings until DS leaves for school whereas I have to leave for work at 5:30 so DS would be on his own every morning which isn't great at his age. So the best set up in the interests of DS would be him at his dad's during the week and with me at the weekend and I hate how little time that is but would always want to do what's best for DS. Luckily we have no intention of splitting up any time soon!

Not my own experience but someone i know. They split up after his 'unknown' daughter got in touch. Initially ok until his wife realised her age meant he'd had an affair after they were married.
They went 50/50. I think to a point it was her ensuring he stepped up. They split the week on a Wednesday (one took them to school, the other picked up) so both had some of the school week and a weekend.
It seemed to work really well. Each had to take 100% responsibility during 'their time'. Both ran their own business and the week off from the kids allowed them to focus more on work ie arranging meetings etc but also could make plans , have a break etc. They did seem to get on well enough to step up in emergencies etc.
From what I saw, and what she told me, there was little issue, although it did take their kids a few months to get used to, and settle into the new set up.

I think it depends on the status quo pre split. When my son was younger I did a lot of the child rearing, so if we’d have split I’d have said no way can we do 50/50, we didn’t do that when we were together, that will confuse our child, my DP couldn’t get him to sleep without me there etc. It would have to have been much heavier in my favour more like 70/30 or 80/20. However in the last 2-3 years the parenting has been much more 50/50 one of us drops at school the other picks up etc. I have gone back to work full time, changed roles to one that includes some nights away for meetings so he has done more bedtimes. If we ever split up now it would have to be 50/50 and really reflect what the current parenting is like in the family home.

Yes I did this with my son. Worked out well

I actually did grow up with 50/50 and remember no negative feelings about it (my parents co-parented very well and lived very close). I now co-parent 50/50 with my ex and have asked my DD (11) recently how she feels about this. While she openly said her ultimate preference would be for us to have stayed together, she understands this isn’t possible and said that whilst it can sometimes be a bit annoying going between two houses, she would choose being able to spend plenty time with both parents rather than only seeing her dad once a week.
Also, I’m not sure your theory on the parents would still be together if they were able to work well with each other is always correct - my marriage ended due to infidelity. I have always considered my ex’s ability to be a good parent separately to his ability to be a good husband.

In theory I’m really against 50/50 - lack of a home base, constantly swapping and changing where they are etc. I have always solidly held this view. However, a few years ago I mentally conceded that should we split, there’s no real alternative for us. My husband is as good a dad as I am a mum (in many ways he’s better if I’m being completely honest!) and there is no way he would have ever agreed to losing any time with her. Nor could I have honestly vocalised an argument that he should - he can meet all of her needs as well as I can and she adores him, and him her.

So I suppose I agree with those who say it’s a fine idea as long as the other parent is a fully competent parent who can do the mental load, does absolutely everything in their time, arranged work accordingly etc.

I would argue the kids whose fathers chose to be absent know they were better off, because he clearly wouldn’t have been a positive influence if he could so easily abandon them. They would have been better if some magical wonderful dad man existed, but he didn’t. I would argue that most kids realise they’re better off without their useless dad than say in his house half the time where they aren’t really wanted there or cared for like they are at their mums.

Spoken as one of those kids 👋🏻

The maintenence i recieve supplements my wage. My ex can do nights and weekends to increase his money.i can't due to childcare.

Isn't the most important question whether the children like it? An awful lot don't. Little ones tend to miss their mothers and older ones find it a hassle making sure everything is in the right place and complain that it impacts their social life , especially when the two homes are not very close.

We do 50/50 over a two week split. When I moved I made sure I was within walking distance of their Dad's and school. it's a 2/2/3 rotation.

mon/Tues night with parent A
Weds/Thurs with parent B
Fri/sat/sun parent A

But we've been strict on making sure they have duplicates of everything so the only thing they move between houses is the school bag and their phone. They have the same makeup, chargers, hair tools etc etc at each house. School uniform we bought enough of everything to have at both houses.

I actively wanted 50/50, he's their father and they have a right to a relationship with him. He also actively wanted 50/50. The problems that caused our break up were never Todo with the others parenting or engagement with the kids

The only mothers I know against 50/50 with their ex (where the ex is a decent father) is due to

Srol being caught up in the pain of the breakup
Not wanting to lose time with their children
Failure to realise the children aren't extensions of them
Jealousy ex has moved on
Control freaks - can't handle the fact the ex does things differently, not worse just differently.

I do have a friend who's resisting 50/50 and currently it's 60/40 but that's different because the ex was only a "good" father because she made him one. He is pretty crap now they've broken up, he likes the kudos and to be seen to do the right thing, but then actively does shit like refuse to pay for hair cuts for the kids cause "he pays maintenance and that's what it's for" or buy school uniform, cause same.

Oh I agree here. I unfortunately had a father who dipped in and out, and worse - chose to engage with my siblings and ignore me...that was much much worse than a totally absent father. When I talk with friends who grew up with absent father's they all say they'd have struggled with what I had to deal with an awful lot more

It still sucks now as an adult when the siblings/aunt etc talk about spending time with him. And I'm the pariah. Can't stand the bloke he's a sexist ignorant prick, but that small girl in me is still confused and hurt.

I have this set up @user1476613140

Have you experience of it personally?
Have you spoken to the children, and they’ve told you they don’t like it?
Or, are you judging the mum and dad from the side lines and deeming them crap parents for trying to make better a really hard situation?

Your posts come across as judgemental and mirrors a lot of my experience when talking to acquaintances, friends and family about our set up of 2:2:3 (50/50). All the judgement and no clue what worked for our family or what things we had put in place to ensure DD’s needs were met (read my long post earlier on this thread)

Separating is hard.
Parenting whilst separating is even harder. Divorcing is horrific.

Perhaps judge less of your neighbours and consider the really shit situation they’re in that they are trying to make work for their DC.

Yes, but unless he’s very very high earning, maintenance is unlikely to be supplementing the full cost of lost opportunities, pension, career advancement etc even if it’s covering the child’s day to day costs.

I have 50:50, we do 2 nights, 2 nights, 3 nights; so we get every other weekend to spend fully together. Someone on mumsnet actually said to me once this sounded incredibly disruptive to DD and I asked her then if she wanted to change to spend one week here one week there etc but she said she didn’t, so it seems to work for us.

Her dad has always been very hands on in lots of ways and it was never really a question of anything other than 50:50, but I do have to say for whatever reason he hates me now and will try and just communicate through DD (10) if he needs to change anything which is frustrating and she often comes back to me shattered, needing a good shower, with bags of sweets and telling me her dad forgot something she was supposed to do/take into school that week.

I think it’s tricky because me and her dad both work full time, he has a new partner who lives with them so more help remembering life admin than I do, and DD loves her dad and he absolutely spoils her so I’d never try and stop how much he sees her, the court costs too and how much more he earns than me mean it wouldn’t be worth even trying. But do I feel it truly works in her best interests? No although she would disagree lol, because there she gets to stay up late on a school night and eat chocolate spread sandwiches for every meal.