To wonder about 50/50 child arrangements

[MyLittleAlien]

In terms of relationships ending and childcare arrangements, I honestly think 50/50 sounds like the best setup. I would have loved it if my ex had wanted 50/50 (instead he chose not to see the children at all.) Obviously I wouldn’t want a 50/50 arrangement with someone who doesn’t actually want it, but if he had, I’d have been completely supportive and certainly wouldn’t have tried to fight it.

Online, though, all I ever seem to see are posts from dads wanting 50/50 while the mum is against it or from mums asking how to fight it. I can understand why some mums feel that way, but I don’t feel the same myself.

AIBU to wonder if I’m the only mum who would actually have chosen 50/50? Are there any separated mums on here who do have a 50/50 arrangement and like it, or who would have chosen it if they could?

This isn’t a thread for people who don’t want 50/50 or who have it and dislike it, I’ve already read plenty of those. I’m just wondering if anyone else would genuinely have preferred it. I guess what I’m wondering when it comes it 50/50 is it only men that want 50/50?

This. In my experience they’re not interested in parenting at all until a woman wants to split and it is annoying that you’ve been the unrecognised primary caregiver for years.

I suspect the reason you see more men saying they want it is because fewer of them have either that or are the main caregiver. And lots would like to have more time with the kids.

I think there are a fair number of women who are a little less keen, for several reasons. Some just think mums in general should be the primary caregiver if possible - this is especially the case with younger kids ime. Some think that 50/50 is not good for kids. And some may have worries about the level of care provided by the father.

However, in my experience I see a fair number of mums ho like the idea of 50/50 as they feel it's more fair. In some cases I think in detriment to the kids.

I think there are also some that do it for maintenance reasons. As in they wouldn’t get any if 50/50

We've been doing 50/50 for 4 years, since our son was 3. It works well for everyone, we've asked our son if he'd like to change the setup to weekly but he's happy to have it the same as it's been for 4 years:

• Monday after school to Wednesday before school (2 nights)
• Wednesday after school to Friday morning (2 nights)
• Friday after school to Monday before school (3 nights)

Then it switches.

Summer holidays we do 2 weeks each then one week.

I can imagine 50/50 isn't ideal for everyone, our circumstances helped a lot. The divorce from my ex-husband was very civil, he also wanted shared custody, we live 5 minutes away from each other and I don't get any child support or financial support from him so there's no tension there. We still have a joint account that we both pay into for clothes, school lunches, hobbies etc. He was a crap husband but has turned out to be a pretty reliable co-parent.

This is great. It’s so nice to hear positive stories of 50/50. It’s a shame my ex wasn’t interested in being a parent as this sounds absolutely ideal!

We have the same set up as you, even down to a shared bank account and 5 min away from each other. All relevant and helps. Also no child maintenance and flexible too (if he needs to work late, or I need to stay away with work, we talk and switch it about, without worrying about the other saying no). That’s been a blessing disguise for me, as I have RL friends who do not have that flexibility (schedule set for 12 months and one parent will be adamant it can’t change!)

That post was suppose to quote you @Crole ☺️

I left a marriage five years ago and we have had 50 50 since, both of us keen to share equal custody. Some problems when he moved in with his new partner, but we have on the whole made it work, and kids are used to the set up.

I enjoy my child free time frankly.

Exactly, it's a give and take so you need to be flexible with each other and be able to communicate. We both travel a few times a year for work but we've not yet had a situation where it hasn't worked. Neither of us has family so we're still each other's default.

Do you know many people who do 50/50? We live in Germany where only 5% of divorced parents do, the majority of people believe it's best for kids to stay with their mums and only see their dads every second weekend. By now I'm used to the surprise and pitying comments though and I believe we're giving our son the best out of a bad situation.

It's great to hear that this is working so well for you as it's what we're going to do too and we'll have the same setup (living close, joint account). I guess it's up to me to make sure that I have things to do on my "off" days/weekends so that I don't feel like I'm just waiting until my dc is back with me

It’s all well and good anyone saying they’d do this or that but you don’t know how you or your ex will react or be after a split. How soon people move on is a huge factor.
i couldn’t bare to not see my children for a whole week I think I would genuinely be so low! But my husband works away so that would never happen anyway

My child are all autistic one of them severe so a week would be much needed rest! All kids are different. Men are expected to only see their children every other weekend and no one bats an eyelid at that.

Children* that should say! And men are expected to be ok seeing their kids every 2 weeks. We

Been 50/50 for a long time. My son feels like my house is his home base even though he is with his dad half the time.
He brings anything he loves or valuable to mine 🤣 calls mine home and the other his stepmothers house.

As his mum I recognise he's not "my child" and so we did 50/50 but as a human I didn't carry him for 9m to see him half the time. It's hard. But you adapt and get used to it. But best interests he's thriving has more love not less and double of everything and it works for us.

He's pre teen now but when he's a teen I recon he'll vote with his feet a bit more and it won't be a true 50/50 if he's allowed the choice but we'll see!

How on earth do you know mum is lying in and not playing and enjoying her time with her child at home? Why do you think she should put her childcare in 9am instead of 11am, when suits her? So so strange to be keeping tabs on a neighbour like this!

Hmm not sure how that worked for me then. My son was 50/50 but my daughter's didn't see their dad

And what's wrong with women wanting a social/relationship/sex life anyway? Enought blokes do it

We did 50/50 with DSD until she was about 7, although we never had any court involvement as everything was amicable. After that age it became harder to work due to changing shift patterns of my DH and his ex, and DSD wanting to be closer to friends - we were only 20 minutes away but her mum lived on an estate close to the school.

Now that she's a teenager she probably does closer to 80/20 with her mum because her room is bigger there, and it's more convenient for her part time job and school bus route.