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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

215 replies

loppyloon · 29/12/2025 22:24

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he’s a bit older than I am, and he has a daughter who’s in her 20s. She doesn’t live in the uk, but they are close and her mum isn’t on the scene at all.

Im 6 months pregnant with a little girl, this will be my first child and his second.

His daughter is over visiting for the new year, he went out alone with her today and when he got back he seemed deflated. I asked if everything was okay and he said it was just tough convos. I asked more and he said she seemed quite upset, asserted over and over she isn’t going to fly over and visit us when the baby is born, not because she is mad but she keeps having dreams where she gets lost in the hospital when I’m in labour. He also told me she seemed sad and not herself. This is the first time we’ve seen her since announcing. He also said she kept reasserting this fear that we were going to use a name she either loved and wanted to use herself one day or hated. She said she couldn’t explain why it’s upsetting her so much but it’s always on her mind. He asked what names she wanted to save for her own children as we haven’t picked one yet, but she said she didn’t want to share as she didn’t want to be the reason we don’t use the name.

The behaviour seems out of character, she’s incredibly intelligent studied philosophy and theology at undergrad, literature at post grad and is now working in translation services and very happy by most accounts in her life.

AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

OP posts:
Happilyobtuse · 29/12/2025 22:30

It’s a difficult one since she is already an adult. Do you have a good relationship with her? Would it be worth trying to talk to her about it. I guess she has no other siblings so suddenly getting a half sibling at age 20 must be strange for her. Maybe you could suggest to her father to organise counselling for her. She could be dealing with difficult emotions as she has always been an only child and maybe feeling displaced or worried about whether she will not be as important to her father any more as you mentioned her mother is not involved at all?! Approach sensitively, as she is still a young adult and obviously very emotional currently.

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 29/12/2025 22:34

It’s okay to be a bit sad and uncertain about changes. Just give her some time and reassurance. Don’t let it dull your happiness either.

FunnyOrca · 29/12/2025 22:38

Can you involve her in naming the baby? In most sibling scenarios (closer in age and living with the family) children naturally chime in with ideas and give opinions on suggestions. Though I think the name thing is a symptom of something bigger.

RobertaFirmino · 29/12/2025 22:43

It's just all a bit weird for her. Plus, a baby bump indicates that sex has has taken place and nobody wants to think of their old man on the job.

Her dream is telling. Perhaps she feels she will lose her dad when the baby arrives. Or that the three of you will be a unit in which she has no place. I think he'd do well to continue having time with her alone, without the inevitable focus on the baby.

I wish you all the best with the remainder of your pregnancy. May things be straightforward and uneventful.

Teado · 29/12/2025 23:00

No real advice, but you sound like a caring, thoughtful person. I think that this situation will work out ok tbh, it’ll just take some time and some effort and listening on your partner’s part. Good luck with the birth.

Vgbeat · 29/12/2025 23:26

Perhaps she is just worried about being left behind. She doesn't live in the country, dad has a new family and she probably feels a bit isolated.

EscapedTurkey · 30/12/2025 01:20

Sounds a bit like she’s worried you’ll all move forward without her and she’ll be an afterthought. I think that’s natural. Without bringing it up, just make her feel valued within the family.

OhMyLantern · 30/12/2025 01:23

What’s the age difference between you and her? Because if she’s 26, and you’re 34 and having a baby with her dad I can see why she’d feel grossed out.

Carrotsandgrapes · 30/12/2025 02:46

This must be a very weird situation for her, especially if you and her are close-ish in age. She's obviously getting to the stage of get life where she's thinking of having her own children one day (even if that's still a few years off), and here her dad is, about to have new baby.

The things she said makes me suspect she's worried about her place in her dad's life when the new baby arrives
And maybe she's also worried about her future children's place in her dad's life. He's not going to be a stereotypical doting granddad who spoils his grandkids, if he's still got his own toddler or small child running round.

Silverbirchleaf · 30/12/2025 03:18

Is there something else in her life that’s upsetting her, but she didn’t voice it due to Christmas and the excitement of the baby?

Does she fear you’ve ‘trapped’ him, although five years is a pretty solid relationship. Does she fear you’re replacing her mother.

The age difference mentioned above could be a factor.

Sounds like your do handled the situation well, though, including asking about names and respecting her wishes.

VoltaireMittyDream · 30/12/2025 03:21

When I was in my early 30s my dad had kids with his 3rd wife who was my age. I found it grim as fuck TBH and wanted nothing to do with their weird new family. Eventually we became estranged.

i think it’s odd you can’t understand why she finds this sad and gross.

Elektra1 · 30/12/2025 03:24

It’s not “sad” or “gross” for a man in his 40s or 50s to have a child with his partner of 5 years, who presumably is a woman in her 30s.

Katflapkit · 30/12/2025 04:06

Elektra1 · 30/12/2025 03:24

It’s not “sad” or “gross” for a man in his 40s or 50s to have a child with his partner of 5 years, who presumably is a woman in her 30s.

I think previous poster was making a comment on how the 20 something daughter maybe feeling. It must be weird for her, she is at an age where she could be imagining having children - thinking of baby names, but it's her Father having a child. I can see how it would feel a little odd for her.

Also, given the daughter's academic background in philosophy/theology, she may be prone to 'over thinking', hence the getting lost in the hospital corridors. It's a tough one, are you close to her?

Elopeme · 30/12/2025 04:31

I can see why she might be feeling a bit off - another baby girl/daughter, I think it’s quite natural and it might sort itself out in time.

How is your relationship with her?

A few suggestions -

When she is feeling up to it you can share your shortlist of names and let her tell you her favourite?

When baby arrives, (and if/when you feel ready), you fly over to see her for the meet, so she doesn’t feel like an ‘intruder’ coming to stay with you?

Are there any activities you can do to bring the three of you closer together before the baby comes (maybe non baby related ones)? Without it being forced or pressured, of course.

Original poster
loppyloon · 30/12/2025 04:39

Just for context her father is 50, I’m 41 and she’s is 25 so we aren’t particularly close in age and she’s never seemed to have an issue with me before.
DH said she seemed really distressed when he said he would let her know when the baby arrives and pay for her flights to come visit and just generally sad.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/12/2025 04:42

Vgbeat · 29/12/2025 23:26

Perhaps she is just worried about being left behind. She doesn't live in the country, dad has a new family and she probably feels a bit isolated.

My guess this is EXACTLY the case...

Can your husband reassure her there is enough love to go around..
She will ALWAYS be loved by him... And she'll always hold the place as his precious first born.

Love doesn't dry up or run out! ...

I'd also encourage him to write a letter to her..
Saying all of this so she can always look at it.

She is very much part of your family...
You want her to take part in doing whatever she is happy with (naming is obviously looming large...) and your daughter will love having her as a big sister?

Be really specific... I'd name it..

Catladywithoutacat · 30/12/2025 04:45

She’s an adult and needs to grow up

HellonHeels · 30/12/2025 04:46

loppyloon · 30/12/2025 04:39

Just for context her father is 50, I’m 41 and she’s is 25 so we aren’t particularly close in age and she’s never seemed to have an issue with me before.
DH said she seemed really distressed when he said he would let her know when the baby arrives and pay for her flights to come visit and just generally sad.

Does he usually pay for her flights to cone to visit? If not, that could easily be upsetting, that he'll pay up when it comes to new baby but not if it's "just" her usual visits.

Original poster
loppyloon · 30/12/2025 04:47

Catladywithoutacat · 30/12/2025 04:45

She’s an adult and needs to grow up

I don’t think that’s a fair response really. Yes she’s an adult but she also had an incredibly traumatic childhood and probably has a lot of mixed feelings about her dad starting a fresh almost with someone new.
I only intend to show her compassion and support, telling her to grow up will only drive her away and that’s not in her, her dads or my best interests.

OP posts:
Original poster
loppyloon · 30/12/2025 04:49

HellonHeels · 30/12/2025 04:46

Does he usually pay for her flights to cone to visit? If not, that could easily be upsetting, that he'll pay up when it comes to new baby but not if it's "just" her usual visits.

Show quote history

Sometimes he pays sometimes he doesn’t, it varies he tends to pay more so if it’s a family obligation but self driven visits she doesn’t always tell us about far enough in advance to be able to pay. Often she will only tell us once she has everything booked.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 30/12/2025 04:49

Also I'm wondering if there is something coming up for her around mothers and mothering.

I'd be considering the circumstances around her not having contact with her mother. What will it be like for her knowing that new baby will be parented by a mum and her own dad? Depending on situation, that could feel devastating.

DillyDallyingAllDay · 30/12/2025 04:52

Maybe you could suggest if she’s not feeling up to visiting then you’d all go visit her; so you’re trying to be part of her existing life? Also, it’s a massive possibility that she’s an over-thinker and is anxious about the upcoming changes in her dads life etc- if he continues to be supportive, keep in touch and you do the same, without shoving baby related stuff in her face all the time; keeping her difficulties in mind and being sensitive to them; she will come around. Ask dad to ask her how she wants to be informed, would she like a phone call etc; because maybe she doesn’t want to fly out to visit baby now, but once the baby actually arrives, she might change her mind but maybe put a pause on baby related conversations without hiding/denying it’s happening. So she knows her dad is involved, happy etc without making it his whole personality. It might be nice for him to go visit her before baby arrives so they can spend some one on one time and she still feels important to him.

Original poster
loppyloon · 30/12/2025 04:52

HellonHeels · 30/12/2025 04:49

Also I'm wondering if there is something coming up for her around mothers and mothering.

I'd be considering the circumstances around her not having contact with her mother. What will it be like for her knowing that new baby will be parented by a mum and her own dad? Depending on situation, that could feel devastating.

Yes this is a good point; her mother effectively abandoned her when she was a toddler then drifted in and out of her life for a lot of her childhood, they’ve had no contact since she was about 14 and due to her mother not being from the UK and there not being much contact between her and her mother she hasn’t really been able to establish where she is or if she is well.

OP posts:
Bleachedjeans · 30/12/2025 05:25

You and DH sound like nice people and I don’t want to sound mean, but the whole baby-naming thing sounds very patronising to a young woman in her 20s. If she were 8 or 9 maybe she would enjoy helping to choose the name but not a grown woman.

StressedoutFTM998 · 30/12/2025 05:29

Tbh if my dad had a baby with someone when I was an adult, I'd assume i was being cast out. We all know what it's like having a baby - it's all consuming. Baby will be cute, demanding, will always be the young baby of the family even in 20 years time. I'd feel upset too.