I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

[loppyloon]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he’s a bit older than I am, and he has a daughter who’s in her 20s. She doesn’t live in the uk, but they are close and her mum isn’t on the scene at all.

Im 6 months pregnant with a little girl, this will be my first child and his second.

His daughter is over visiting for the new year, he went out alone with her today and when he got back he seemed deflated. I asked if everything was okay and he said it was just tough convos. I asked more and he said she seemed quite upset, asserted over and over she isn’t going to fly over and visit us when the baby is born, not because she is mad but she keeps having dreams where she gets lost in the hospital when I’m in labour. He also told me she seemed sad and not herself. This is the first time we’ve seen her since announcing. He also said she kept reasserting this fear that we were going to use a name she either loved and wanted to use herself one day or hated. She said she couldn’t explain why it’s upsetting her so much but it’s always on her mind. He asked what names she wanted to save for her own children as we haven’t picked one yet, but she said she didn’t want to share as she didn’t want to be the reason we don’t use the name.

The behaviour seems out of character, she’s incredibly intelligent studied philosophy and theology at undergrad, literature at post grad and is now working in translation services and very happy by most accounts in her life.

AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

I mean she's in her 20s
Not a a young child or a teenager
When do people grow up?
I fear people who are still like this in their 20s never do.

She's afraid she's going to lose the special love that a father has for his only daughter.

Only time and reassurance from her father will help this one, but she is also right to an extent, the new baby is likely to enthrall him. I don't feel this one is going to get easier any time soon, but it isn't your problem, it's hers and she needs counselling for it, sadly.

I think this is your answer. She had a traumatic childhood and she's about to watch her dad start again with a baby that (hopefully) will have the loving and stable childhood she should have had.

Added to this, her dad is naturally going to giving his new child a lot more love and attention in the here and now. I think it would be difficult not to feel replaced or pushed out in her shoes (I didn't have a traumatic childhood but would have hated either of my parents to start a new family... I'd have sucked it up and smiled but I would have hated it.).

Could the angst about baby names stem from her worrying that he won't care about future grandchildren as much if he's starting parenting again?

What did you expect? It would really upset me as well. For 20 years she has been his only child and now he is having another one. She will feel like she has been pushed out. My father was with someone else when I was in my early 20s. I would not have been thinking kind thoughts if he announced he was having a baby. I would have thought he was too old and that it was a betrayal of our relationship.

Hell, you're not even 'geriatric pregnancy' age in your early 30s. Grandparents in 30s is more Daily Mail fodder!

My exH who is 50 now has a 1 year old and a newborn with his new wife.

our children together are 24 (I had twins).

his new family has very clearly replaced his adult children and he no longer has any time at all for them (not that he ever had much).

They are sad. They’d always hoped he would engage with them and he’s chosen to replace them instead.

he’s tried to get them to babysit their new half brothers and all sorts of things.

How ridiculous

At 25 she probably is looking forward to starting her own family. And you have got in there first. She is understandably sad and lonely.

Why is that ridiculous? If I got a new step dad who I doted on, lived with, loved and called Daddy, it would have upset my dad just as much. He wouldn't be thinking how wonderful it was for me to have an extra father in my life.

She's an adult but emotionally dealing with your pregnancy like she was a small child. It's not unusual for adult children in second marriages to react badly to the news their parent is expecting a new child. Adult or not, they think the baby will take love, affection (and money) away from the parent that was "theirs".

You need to give her time to deal with her emotions, because she's reacting to primal fears instead of dealing with her feelings as a mature adult.

Hopefully, she'll be able to move on and embrace your child as a sibling, loving and supporting them. Unfortunately, it's not guaranteed she'll do so.

You sound lovely and given her age I doubt it's about wanting a baby herself.

When I had a child I almost watched what could have been, if you know what I mean. I saw with fresh eyes how I would never do X with my child and it felt painful in a different way. For example, i remember one parent regularly cancelling a visit at the last minute and being sad, but when I became a mum and had a child that age myself,my heart shattered 10x harder imagining DC in that pain.

What I'm getting at here is that she may be very sad throughout the life of this child. Right now, your DC has a stable family; she didn't. This child has a full time dad in the same country; she doesn't. She will basically be witnessing first hand how her life could have been and that will bring a lot of different pain at different points. I commend your compassion.

Perhaps not might be easier for her for her dad to visit her on her home turf?

Your empathy (and understanding of human nature) know no bounds 🤣

I think all the posters who have referenced the fact that your child is potentially going to grow up having her dad and a mum have hit the nail on the head

She will be feeling so many confused, mixed emotions around this, some that she probably can't even express.
It will be bringing up all her insecurities around her own childhood, her relationship with her mum, fears about "losing" her dad, feeling so far away from you all
Poor thing, it's a lot to take on & I think the physical distance compounds it all.

It's lovely that you are recognising this and are concerned. I think you should advise your husband to have a talk with her to encourage her to open up. He might even suggest (and pay for?) some counselling if she would be open to it.
But I think in the first place, her dad acknowledging that he understands how huge this is for her and showing that he cares & wants to help is the first step.

You sound lovely and that you are doing everything you can. Keep talking to her, maybe you could give her a list of names
that you like and she could veto what she didn’t like (that would be very generous of you). Show her she is part of your family and important. It must be very hard for her knowing than her only parent and her sibling is going to have a family unit that she isn’t in and has never had. Patience, love, time and understanding and I’m sure she’ll come round and come to love her little sister.

Agree this is the most likely, she is an adult but her dad having a baby at 50 probably wasnt a possibility she had considered before.

I think as soon as you’re in control with the baby he should go and visit her alone and show he’s still got all the time for her. Then offer to pay for her to visit when she’s ready, but don’t force it. Make sure baby isn’t taking her place.

I'd imagine most 20 year old only children would struggle with the idea of becoming a sibling to a baby they are old enough to be mother to. Add to this living in another country from their father while he lives with the new child, and its a lot to get her head round. Seems like she's trying, but her feelings are overspilling.
There isn't much you can do as it's happening and she has to accept it, and no doubt will. Your H will need to make sure he doesn't change anything in his relationship towards her. Keep conversation on her unless she raises the subject of the pregnancy, and when the baby arrives, continue to see her alone for part of her visit.

Poor girl, I feel for her.

I’m sympathetic to her but it does sound like she’s trying to be difficult with some of this
“I’m worried you’ll use a name I’d like to use”
”ok well we haven’t picked any names so tell us what you don’t want us to use and we won’t”
”no I won’t tell you.”
It sounds like her dad instantly offered her a solution to the name worries, but she didn’t take it.

TBH I think the best thing DD can do is find a psychotherapist who works with dreams, because her recurring dream about being lost in the hospital is a huge one. Almost certainly relating to her own mum and infancy, but triggered by her dad becoming a dad again. You are both obviously concerned about DD but I doubt you'll be able to help her get to the bottom of this. Meanwhile I suggest you acknowledge that visiting the baby might be something she needs to work up to, and you will be delighted to see her whenever she can manage it. And maybe send her a list of 2 or 3 possible names after the birth, and ssk her to choose one?

😂😂 some people are fucking nuts! Your reply nails it 😂😂

My advice would be to hold her lightly through all this. She obviously has some big feelings about it, understandly so. I would keep the lines of communication open in the normal way but tread very lightly in terms of expectations, her involvement with the baby etc. She has to be allowed to feel what she feels about it and you and her Dad need not to take it personally. I feel everything will be ok in the end - you all sound like good and thoughtful people - but she can't be talked into this being a good thing in the short-term. This is very big stuff for your step daughter and my heart goes out to her.

I really feel for her. She has finally found some sort of stability and now her dad goes and creates a whole new family that won't include her. It sounds like she has done remarkably well in life considering her traumatic childhood but this has once again upended her life and whether he wants to or not, will take her dad away from her even more than before. She is only in her mid-20s and has had so much to deal with, cut her some slack when it comes to this. They will never have a sibling bond and there will probably always be a bit of resentment from the DD knowing that this child will have a completely different and much better childhood than she was ever given.

But the name worries aren't logical, they're a rough approximation of the feelings she is having... These could be any combination of: sadness ar losing being her dad's only child, feeling miffed that there will be less time / money / resource coming her way now and in the future, feeling embarrassed at having these feelings as an intelligent mid-20s woman, resentment and grief at her own childhood lost (both in terms of growing up / shit getting real, and the idea of this baby having the stability and mother figure she never had), disappointment that her own kids will be less amazing / adored if her dad is in the parenting trenches himself, boredom at having to talk about this new addition constantly before it's even here, feeling that you've waited 5+ years specifically until she is out of the country to do this behind her back, normal early adulthood self-absorption and taking parents for granted being wobbled, possible fertility / time running out feelings for her (I know she's young but myself and close friends who actively wanted DC describe despairing, even when late teen relationships broke down - "I'll never find anyone" etc.) ...

I totally empathise with her. My mum and dad became foster carers to two girls aged 2 and 3 when I was in my 20s and I felt lots of similar feelings, irrationally and selfishly, because I am a human being. Was I not enough? Loss of the "right" to use the safety net of my parents because they were up to their eyeballs in it. Inability to gain much support with my own young DC (not directly relevant here AS FAR AS YOU KNOW).

You sound like a caring person and I am sure you will find a way to make the set up work. Just be patient with her, she's been through a lot in her childhood. If you can approach it, be open-minded and curious. Don't try and fix it, or minimise her feelings, or offer solutions like she can pick the name (fwiw I think your DH did the classic dad thing of offering a solution re naming, instead of sitting with her in the uncomfortable feelings). Just empathise, and save your "WTF she's being so unreasonable" (which she quite possibly is a bit) for after the conversation, in private, to your own mum / sister / friend / or on here.

You might both be adults but you need to be the grown up here.

Do also remember that this time of the year is loaded too, especially for those with trauma, but it is an odd, navel-gazey, reflective time for many.

You speak of her with such warmth and compassion, I wish you all the best.

I think a new baby announcement often does dredge up difficult feelings in family members - and people are often blindsided by this, because it’s “supposed to be a happy occasion” and often the difficult feelings are around things that have been buried deep and not addressed.

Your partner’s daughter probably is feeling insecure, lonely, worried about her place in the family. There may be feelings of grief and abandonment around mothers and motherhood - and there’s probably some guilt and self-blame as well, because you are clearly a very understanding and emotionally generous person, and she probably wants to be happy for you rather than feeling hollow and resentful. I think you should reassure her - either through your partner if he’s up to it, or in a nice card - that you understand this is a big upheaval for her and that you love her. Give her time and space to process. DP needs to be mindful of her feelings as well and give her plenty of love and reassurance, not making their contact all about the new baby; let her deal with it when she’s ready.