I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

[loppyloon]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he’s a bit older than I am, and he has a daughter who’s in her 20s. She doesn’t live in the uk, but they are close and her mum isn’t on the scene at all.

Im 6 months pregnant with a little girl, this will be my first child and his second.

His daughter is over visiting for the new year, he went out alone with her today and when he got back he seemed deflated. I asked if everything was okay and he said it was just tough convos. I asked more and he said she seemed quite upset, asserted over and over she isn’t going to fly over and visit us when the baby is born, not because she is mad but she keeps having dreams where she gets lost in the hospital when I’m in labour. He also told me she seemed sad and not herself. This is the first time we’ve seen her since announcing. He also said she kept reasserting this fear that we were going to use a name she either loved and wanted to use herself one day or hated. She said she couldn’t explain why it’s upsetting her so much but it’s always on her mind. He asked what names she wanted to save for her own children as we haven’t picked one yet, but she said she didn’t want to share as she didn’t want to be the reason we don’t use the name.

The behaviour seems out of character, she’s incredibly intelligent studied philosophy and theology at undergrad, literature at post grad and is now working in translation services and very happy by most accounts in her life.

AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

My dad did this. I found it weird tbh.

No, just people who’ve lived this particular experience and understand the complex feelings that can arise as a result.

I know this is MN where any type of emotion is frowned upon but in the real world people react to situations which make them feel uncomfortable. Your 50 year old dad having a baby IS a strange situation and it might take his daughter a while to adjust.

I thought the post was going to be wbout 10yr being jealous- shes 20 and jealous of someone else getting her fathers attention? Does she not have a life with a boyfriend of her own- she could be a mother to 2 children and not act like one. You need to concentrate on yourself and your baby not worry about 20yo sulking

Yea, I think it just cements the feeling of being replaced. She has to get used to the idea that her dad will now have a new family and not even her name is going to be her own anymore.

It’s not necessarily jealousy in the way you’re describing. It’s a strange situation and she’s allowed to have complex feelings about it. Having a newborn sibling when you’re in your 20’s is an odd situation.

It was also strange for my sister as she felt pressure to follow in my footsteps rather than find her own path. Didn’t help that she was the double of me to the point her own grandparents (on her mum’s side) often thought my baby /toddler pictures were pictures of her.

Many people I know have had baby siblings in their 20s, they have been excited hands on, some at the birth in the delivery room if its their mom giving birth etc- but all of then have also their own lives, boyfriends,husbands,pregnant or have kids themselves, so they dont have time or interest to depress over not being nr1 and only child to their dad. OPs 20yr might be suffering from a single child syndrome hence why the immature reaction and shock about a (half) sibling arriving

Perhaps the people you know didn't have traumatic childhoods and suffer from abandonment issues. It's not a question about maturity, it's a question about feeling safe.

It might be normal in your social circle but that doesn’t make it normal for everyone.
And everyone reacts differently, we’re not robots we’re humans with complex feelings.

At 21 I was not excited to be getting a baby sister. I was a bit mortified if I’m honest. I also had to come to terms with how it changed the family dynamics. My dad was suddenly knee deep in newborn life and had much less time for his older children (this was particularly difficult when my mum died suddenly and tragically and he couldn’t be with us because he had no childcare for my toddler sister).
My child is much closer in age to my sister and my dad found it difficult to get into the grandad role because he was parenting a challenging tween.

I love my sister and I did the whole babysitting thing when she was young but we don’t have a sibling relationship. We have no shared memories of living together or of childhood holidays or Christmas. My relationship with my dad suffered because he had to devote his time to raising a young child so he was mainly absent in my 20’s and 30’s.

It’s a situation that can elicit complex emotions and that’s okay. Having lived through the experience I have a lot of empathy towards her.

Similar to what I reported! These situations can turn bad either quickly (as in this case) or overtime as the novelty wears off. Many scenarios involve less than perfect first family situations and behaviours so it can be galling to see the parent doing better second time round, probably with no acknowledgement of the challenges the adult of the first family faced as a child.

all these suggestions of ‘involving’ the adult miss the point totally. The child of the first family is already being cast in a supporting role, existing only in relation to the baby. The best advice is to commit to keeping time
and space for 1:1 father and daughter in the future and actually deliver on that. Also, think about estate and wills. First families (paternal) often find themselves cut out as the ‘baby’ and second family are prioritised, with the ‘baby’ in adulthood inheriting via the mother.

Agreed. It did sting a little to see my sister being bought cars and horses and being told she has a house deposit waiting when my dad stopped all financial support when I turned 18 and I was told to ‘get off my backside and get a job’.
I had a job btw but I was also at uni so unable to work full time.

That specifically carved out 1:1 time is so important particularly when her dad will be busy with a newborn. We all know how time consuming that can be! Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you don’t want to spend time with your parents.

Hah! Yes, selective memory is also a feature of second time parents! I bet they would deny telling you to go get a job and not remember whether you got a housing deposit or not. In my partner’s case there is no recollection of the terrible school he attended and some
of the awful things that happened there. His half sibling was, of course, privately educated, supported through multiple degrees and can trump the deposit with a whole house gifted!

Material things aside, the biggest impact was on time and attention. Years of never having a complete conversation as the new baby’s needs are great, takes a toll on relationships. As an observer, I do see the positives for the father; his life was a lot fuller and happier with a second family into old age than it would have been alone. Unfortunately, the sacrifice was his first family. I think if people can be realistic about how things may pan out, none of this bonding over baby names nonsense, the situation can be managed better. Eyes need to be wide open; they seldom are.

If you read the OP, the daughter never had a mother in her life growing up.

I think that plays a much bigger part than the time honoured 'make out single children are spoilt' lazy syndrome narrow-minded people have on here.

This would just signal that this is attempt two for a better family.

Could you ask her to be a godparent?