I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

[loppyloon]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he’s a bit older than I am, and he has a daughter who’s in her 20s. She doesn’t live in the uk, but they are close and her mum isn’t on the scene at all.

Im 6 months pregnant with a little girl, this will be my first child and his second.

His daughter is over visiting for the new year, he went out alone with her today and when he got back he seemed deflated. I asked if everything was okay and he said it was just tough convos. I asked more and he said she seemed quite upset, asserted over and over she isn’t going to fly over and visit us when the baby is born, not because she is mad but she keeps having dreams where she gets lost in the hospital when I’m in labour. He also told me she seemed sad and not herself. This is the first time we’ve seen her since announcing. He also said she kept reasserting this fear that we were going to use a name she either loved and wanted to use herself one day or hated. She said she couldn’t explain why it’s upsetting her so much but it’s always on her mind. He asked what names she wanted to save for her own children as we haven’t picked one yet, but she said she didn’t want to share as she didn’t want to be the reason we don’t use the name.

The behaviour seems out of character, she’s incredibly intelligent studied philosophy and theology at undergrad, literature at post grad and is now working in translation services and very happy by most accounts in her life.

AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

She's not being difficult, she is trying to sort through her feelings and make sense of them. Some things she says might sound trivial but they are all part of a much bigger picture. There are clearly a lot of childhood trauma there and she hasn't worked through it yet. She is still a very young adult.

This. She's sad because she's had her dad the same way for 20yrs and now the dynamic's going to radically changed. It's up to you guys now as to whether her fears are realised. He has to prove she's NOT being replaced. I would recommend not shoving it all down her throat.

She probably thought at 41 and 50’s there was not going to be babies. Now there is a baby coming and it’s also a girl.

Dad’s new family with his replacement daughter.

She may be an adult but she only has one parent and she’s always been an only child. Now she’s feeling internal turmoil and anxious about her place within the family and her dad’s love to her.

Time and love and her still getting that adult time with her dad and not making everything about the new sibling will help and reassure her.

I'm a little surprised you're surprised, if that makes sense. Sorry if that sounds harsh! Your DH is effectively her only parent and the situation with her mother will have massively impacted her ( I speak from experience). I expect the new baby has triggered fears of abandonment and rejection. My strong advice for you and DH is not to 'push' the new baby on her in any way - have zero expectations about how much interest she'll show, accept she may feel very strange about it all etc. And make space for DH to keep up his one to one relationship with her on the same basis as before, maybe even more. Could he fly over on his own to visit her for a few days when the baby is under six months? Don't expect her to fly over to see the baby necessarily. You'll also be massively tempted to focus intensely on the baby and your immediate family unit for that first year, possibly more than you now realise - take a breath and make space for your DH's relationship with his daughter.

Its interesting that you mention her 'intelligence'. It really doesn't have any relevance here! She's being perfectly rational actually, based on her own experience of parental abandonment and the fact that new babies are incredibly absorbing. I feel that she's actually ahead of you two in sensing the potential issues. I'd be wary of offers of counselling - to me that has big 'YOU are the problem here' vibes, whereas actually you two should have been a bit less blindsided by her reaction. I guess I think the 'irrationality' maybe be more on your side. Sorry if that's too blunt, but I'm wary of the sense I'm picking up that you view her as 'irrational'.

Can your husband reassure her there is enough love to go around..
She will ALWAYS be loved by him... And she'll always hold the place as his precious first born.
Love doesn't dry up or run out! ...

This is what you say to a five year old and it's disingenuous. Love might not 'dry up' but the dynamics change and actually, it can feel like that's what happened. Babies and young children take a lot of energy and time.

You sound like sensitive, lovely people, OP. I'd say she's struggling with the prospect of a dynamic change and her own history. She probably has abandonment issues from her mother and feels less than, like her dad is replacing what they had with a real family.

I'd go in easy - keep including her in a non-pressured way and try not to be offended by rebuffals. Her dad needs to make sure she knows she's not just loved, but wanted and maintain an interest in her life (it can be easy to swept up in all the baby stuff). Give her time, this is something she'll need to work through on her own and I don't think it can be rushed.

I think this most definitely an issue.
OP you said she had a traumatic childhood and although dad seems to have been a steadying force in her life that lack of mother, structure in her life will obviously have affected her.
She will be worried about how this will affect her relationship with her dad, but will also see her half sibling having the mother / daughter relationship with you, which she should have had, but never did. Also you re going to be that family unit she never experienced. This is a massive hit on her.

We foster and although kids can get to a point of 'coping' , an absent parent causes feelings of abandonment, they have little self worth, and believe its their fault/ they aren't special enough for the parent to do their expected role. We can roll along quite nicely, then something happens (often minor/no link) and we are derailed again, and we have to build them back up again. Its about them feeling safe and building resilience but that will always be there regardless of how well she appears to be doing.

She's not telling you the names she wants because they don't exist. This is a ruse to object to any baby name you choose. She objects to the baby full stop because she will no longer be her dad's only child.

She is feeling abandoned and left out and this is absolutely normal in her situation. Sadly there is nothing you can do except love and accept her and even then she will still see that as abandonment.

She needs support from a therapist or counsellor and she needs to want to work it out for herself. I'm sorry she is doing this but all you can is support your husband and keep on accepting her.

@UsernameMcUsername You make a lot of good points. My adult kids were in a similar position with their dad, the difference being that they didn't even know he was in a relationship. He acted completely dumb founded when they got upset about having a surprise sibling. He made the problem all theirs, and they had to just get over it and started bombarding them with photos of this child when it had been born telling them how important it is for him that they have a relationship and what a blessing having a child is etc. He has backed off now and there is no relationship at all left between my kids and their dad. There were abandonment issues involved in our case too. These things have to be dealt with really sensitively if there is to be a relationship going forward, especially when there is already trauma involved. The blame for the upset should not be placed on the adult child, it's her parent that has caused this.

I can only imagine that it must feel strange when you are in your twenties and looking forward to perhaps settling down and having children one day to suddenly discover that your father is going through that life stage instead of you. She would be looking forward to him being a grandfather instead of which he is going through new fatherhood all over again. I think a lot of people might find that somewhat unsettling.

You sound so caring and brought fun and the poster who said tell her to grow up is ridiculous.

With regards to the names, could you start thinking of some, have a list of ten and say to her theses are under consideration but you don't love any yet so she has veto if that would help her feel more settled and involved?

Good luck with your pregnancy and the birth.

Nailed it. I think OP and her DH can help by reassuring her. Explain that even though the baby will change the dynamic somewhat, that doesn’t change the fact that DD is still just as much a part of the family and is loved just as much. The issues which have come to the surface and with which she’s now clearly struggling, need professional support to help her make sense of them, and as you rightly say, she needs to want to help herself.

I’d say it’s bringing up unresolved issues about her mother abandoning her and feeling replaced by her dad.

Perhaps you can say “we can see this is bringing up hard feelings for you. Would it be helpful if we paid for a free therapy sessions?”

The baby is a hard concept for her now, but hopefully once it’s here and she builds a relationship and sees it in its own right, it might get easier.

I was with you up until the words ‘it’s her parent that has caused this’. Her parent hasn’t caused anything - unless, of course you’re talking about the mother, who is at the root of her abandonment issues. Her father is simply living his life, and while it’s completely understandable that these issues have come to the surface, it’s not up to OP or her DH to try to solve them. She needs professional help to make sense of what appear to be very complex issues.

OP and her DH are not equipped to deal with these issues, and their role should be support and encouragement, alongside professional input. Apportioning blame isn’t the answer. Showing DD that she still has a place within the changed family dynamic and helping her access therapy is what matters.

In the long run, your stepdaughter will benefit greatly in being part of your new family.
Of course, right now she is nervous of the unknown.. of being usurped etc.

Seeing you two parent sincerely will give DSD an example of functional parenting. It will help her when she partners up and starts a family.

Just give it time. Consider her feelings, like you are now.
Have a space in your home that is hers.

Once you get down to three or four names, ask DSD's opinion, yourself - on the phone or in person.

Paying DSD for costs for some trips is generous.

To be fair, it sounds like she’s struggling with mental health problems rather than struggling to grow up. The rest of the OPs description of her makes her sound like she’s a fully fledged adult. Her problems sound like anxiety rather than immaturity.

Divorced or bereaved parents have a right to live their lives without the judgement of adult children who feel entitled to have a say in how they do that. Being an adult means finding a way to make it work, not pouting because you can’t have your own way.

Yes, sorry, I meant it's her mother that has caused it.

The dad could have perhaps also foreseen that this would bring up all sorts of issues for his daughter and maybe he should have discussed the thought with her before they got pregnant. Ultimately it's his and OPs decision of course. I think, as a parent, I would have wanted to know though just how much my decision would have impacted my exisiting child before I decided to go along with it, especially if my child had already gone through so much and was traumatised.

I agree therapy would be a very good idea.

You don't think this runs a little deeper than that for OPs DSD? She isn't pouting because she isn't getting her way, she is petrified because of past trauma. Her dad is all she's got and he's about to have a new child who will mean as much to him as she does but will require a lot more time and effort for many years to come.

The dad could have perhaps also foreseen that this would bring up all sorts of issues for his daughter and maybe he should have discussed the thought with her before they got pregnant.

The problem is with people who seemingly cope well with traumatic events and move on successfully with their lives, it can catch you unawares IMO.

I would have thought it’s perfectly normal to be weirded out by your dad having another baby when you’re in your 20s. How can’t you see that OP?

Poor woman. She's probably longed for a sibling most of her life but this isnt going to be a sibling relationship it? I'd have felt the same if my dad got his girlfriend pregnant at 50.

Now she's at the stage of probably looking forward and thinking about having a child of her own in the next 5ish years, her only parent had gone and decided to have one. So he will be in parent stage not grandparents stage of life. I alwasy think it's weird when people have babies when they have adult kids.

@Barnbrack both things can be true but they are not statistically the norm. What about that is hard to understand?

You didn't really expect her to be happy about the situation, did you? I'd stop pushing her to come over when the baby is born. It's unreasonable of you to force her to 'celebrate' the event.

Good point. The OP and her DH have been together five years and are married, so the opportunity to discuss the possibility of more children beforehand was there. But by the same token, as an adult, DD would have been aware that it was a possibility. I’m wondering if the pregnancy was planned or a surprise, because OP and her DH seem to be blindsided by DD’s reaction, which OP describes as out of character, so there doesn’t seem to have been any prior indication of problems.