I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

[loppyloon]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he’s a bit older than I am, and he has a daughter who’s in her 20s. She doesn’t live in the uk, but they are close and her mum isn’t on the scene at all.

Im 6 months pregnant with a little girl, this will be my first child and his second.

His daughter is over visiting for the new year, he went out alone with her today and when he got back he seemed deflated. I asked if everything was okay and he said it was just tough convos. I asked more and he said she seemed quite upset, asserted over and over she isn’t going to fly over and visit us when the baby is born, not because she is mad but she keeps having dreams where she gets lost in the hospital when I’m in labour. He also told me she seemed sad and not herself. This is the first time we’ve seen her since announcing. He also said she kept reasserting this fear that we were going to use a name she either loved and wanted to use herself one day or hated. She said she couldn’t explain why it’s upsetting her so much but it’s always on her mind. He asked what names she wanted to save for her own children as we haven’t picked one yet, but she said she didn’t want to share as she didn’t want to be the reason we don’t use the name.

The behaviour seems out of character, she’s incredibly intelligent studied philosophy and theology at undergrad, literature at post grad and is now working in translation services and very happy by most accounts in her life.

AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

Op. My df left my mum for a lover who he got pregnant. He 55 she 45 and she had three kids in their 20s and I was an only child and 25.

different circumstances to you but latterly was non contact with half sister. Hence banned from their house. Latterly df is in care home for dementia so I do visit him now.

I had a sister 25 years younger than me with different mother. I felt more like a kindly aunt really. It was she who started making trouble with all her siblings as wanted parents to herself and they let it happen. I just felt I’d go and visit and make their complete family happy and return home to my fractured one.

just ensure she’s part of the family and if possible have a room permanently for her with her things in it.

congrats on your good news and you should pick the name with your dh.

She is probably absolutely horrified that her DF is having a second child when she is in her 20s, that is a huge age gap. But too polite to say so.

Let’s be honest, nobody at 25 wants a new sibling, and having a new baby at 50 is very old.

he’s just going to have to be consistent and prove over time that this won’t change their relationship.

Not sure I’m included in those you think are unreasonable but blended families only work if all parties are willing to try and are nice people.

I have always got on well with my dad and while it was a shock to get a new sibling at 21 I worked hard to be involved. I babysat, made the effort to spend holidays and important days with my sister but the fact was we had (and still do) have an aunt/niece type of relationship. She’s an adult now and we see each other at birthdays and Christmas but we’re not super close. But I’m 21 years older than her!

What made it super difficult was her mum’s utter hatred of me. She put as many barriers in place as she could to me having any type of relationship with my sister and it’s only due to my perseverance that we have a relationship at all. She would have preferred it if me and my brother didn’t exist.

Ask if she would be willing to come for the birth or just after (realise there can be a 10 day plus or minus difference either side of expected birth date) and, if she would like to name the baby for you both maybe given you do not have any preference at this point in time yourselves.

so refreshing to hear someone expressing genuine concern for a step child, well done OP. She is bound to be anxious, its a change in family dynamic but i'm sure your love and assurance will help the situation

I don't think the girl would be happy starting therapy suggested by her step Mum !

Her anxiety makes sense in the context of her childhood, and interestingly she’s experiencing the same kind of feelings as children do with new siblings.

I would try to include her in naming and send her a list of options to check her favourites aren’t on there. If she feels respected and heard she might feel less anxious.

i know she’s an adult but she’s always been an only child. As an only child myself I can understand that despite her being older it’s still a big change for her. She is clearly trying to process but is also worried about the impact on her world. Because she’s older I’m sure she will come around but having never had a sibling she’s probably feeling very uncertain.

her reaction can’t be that surprising. Her father is having a baby when the natural life stage would be for him to move to the grandparent role.

She may be mentioning things like names, but she is probably really upset about the fact that it is her generation’s time to have children and her father is messing with that.

There is nothing you can do here. She is going to have to come to terms with the reality of her extended family. She is going to have a sibling that could be her own child. That is odd. Really, really odd. Just give her time.

If my 50 year old dad was having a baby then yeah I’d feel pretty off about it too

From what I have experienced of second families, she is right to feel worried!

My view at the start as a DIL observing the situation with my DH and his DF, was that it was lovely that there was more family and his DF got another shot at family life. I realised later that we were there as the supporting act, existing only when we were useful to the new child. Visits centred around the baby/toddler needs with no pass for the FIL to spend time alone with his first family adult children or even have a conversation uninterrupted by the child’s wants and needs. When school rolled around we were told we could only visit when it was school holidays as the new child always needed to be there. This was hard as air fares were involved which were already expensive and were even more so during school holidays. The young child was always the priority and enjoyed a life of luxury and attention that was unknown to the first family as during their childhoods a family business was being built that was all consuming but not yet paying huge amounts.

Fast forward a few decades and the baby is still a baby! Now heading for almost double the age my DH was when his family broke up, he continues to be wholly supported by parental funds. And then there’s inheritance-
all went to second family including money and personal articles from a grandparent the second family had never known or met.

So yes, it can go badly and perhaps the daughter has more foresight than I did. Someone said there is plenty of love to go around and it multiplies not divides. Maybe but time and attention definitely don’t. Nor did the inheritance!

Fast forward a few decades and the baby is still a baby! Now heading for almost double the age my DH was when his family broke up, he continues to be wholly supported by parental funds. And then there’s inheritance-
all went to second family including money and personal articles from a grandparent the second family had never known or met.

Your poor DH.

This situation is the basis of many a nineteenth century novel - think Sense and Sensibility for a start.

My parents split when I was in my mid-30s. My father had a series of relationships (of a sort) with women scarcely older than me. He started talking about how if he had another family (yes, he used that phrase), he'd do it differently. I'm one of 6 children. I did rather feel that he was saying we weren't enough. He's already had 6 children - lots of opportunities to be a good father. Weren't we enough for him?

I don't see much of him nowadays .,..

You and your husband seem to be thoughtful and caring. She's going through a period of adjustment in her position in her father's life - one she probably least expected. All you can do is keep her involved within the family. If she seems reluctant to visit maybe you could visit with the baby when he/she is a few months old. Babies can melt hearts as most of us know.

No advice but just wanted to say you sound incredibly kind and caring and she's lucky to have such an understanding stepmum in her life especially at a time when many would just be baby focused.

I haven’t read the whole thread only OP posts but wanted to say my DH felt this way when one of his parents had a baby when he was around 19/20 (parents had him young) he was saying terrible things like he will never warm to the baby etc

but that was 15 years ago and when the baby was born he instantly felt so much better

i think it was just the change and it brought up a lot of mixed feelings from his own childhood , his parents relationship and divorce etc but it was more apprehension and everything was fine when baby arrived x

Is she unwell?

Personally I think she’s been molly coddled her whole life - she is well into being an adult!! She’s jealous and worried that daddy isn’t going to treat her the same as he does now - what 25 year old has travel paid for them by their parent to go and visit them?!?! I’d personally tell her to grow up and act her age and go get some counselling if she really thinks all this crap! No 25 year old I know would even admit to thinking these thoughts let alone come out and say them!! Shows just how much she’s been babied and spoilt as the only child

This post is ridiculous. How many 25yos have travel paid for by their parents? Millions, every year. Parents have been giving their young adult children - and not so young, if needed - forever. Travel, childcare, house deposits, support for extra qualifications, a handout when things go wrong. That’s what families do, to the best of their ability. I would help my adult kids a lot more if I could afford to; I do what I can. They would do the same for me in a heartbeat.

There is a small but vocal minority on MN who are weirdly invested in portraying adult children, and especially stepchildren, as spoiled, mollycoddled, weak and selfish for having perfectly normal needs and feelings, or for wanting love, commitment and loyalty from their parents. There is no evidence whatsoever that this young woman’s insecurity and upset has anything to do with money. Her family is changing, her father has a shiny new family and her upbringing has been unstable and difficult. It doesn’t take more than a modicum of empathy to understand why she might be feeling distressed and unable to celebrate the happy news.

Have you considered that she may have been pregnant herself and due to circumstances, had an abortion or miscarriage? That could explain her over concern about baby names.

Exactly this. At 25 any child who has followed a route in higher education may be one or two years into a job, paying high rent and really just trying to get established in life. We don’t know how much an air fare is for the daughter. Even if she can pay, if my experience is anything to go by, the first years you are lucky to get a conversation as babies have a lot of needs.

My step mother in law was very vocal
on the point of ‘you are adults’ and she even said once ‘you have had your turn’. As I said up thread, oddly this doesn’t apply to her own child who age 30+ is still living exclusively on the bank of Mum and Dad.

I would try and involve her as much as you can, and don’t leave it all to dh. It will be wonderful for your little one to have her on side in the future. Can you visit her on your own? Talk about how you’re feeling, how great her dad is, how you want things to be going forward, reassure her of her place in everything . Ask her what she would like you to call the baby, come up with something together middle names etc.

Wow.

So many excuses on here for an adult person to behave like a petulant child brat.

Would her name work as a middle name for the baby? Might be a way for her to feel connected

The poor daughter. I wonder if she is feeling this way because she knows her sister will have a mother in her life and she didn't. I wonder if there is that pang of jealousy of her future sister being better off and having that mother-daughter relationship with you that she never had.