I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

[loppyloon]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he’s a bit older than I am, and he has a daughter who’s in her 20s. She doesn’t live in the uk, but they are close and her mum isn’t on the scene at all.

Im 6 months pregnant with a little girl, this will be my first child and his second.

His daughter is over visiting for the new year, he went out alone with her today and when he got back he seemed deflated. I asked if everything was okay and he said it was just tough convos. I asked more and he said she seemed quite upset, asserted over and over she isn’t going to fly over and visit us when the baby is born, not because she is mad but she keeps having dreams where she gets lost in the hospital when I’m in labour. He also told me she seemed sad and not herself. This is the first time we’ve seen her since announcing. He also said she kept reasserting this fear that we were going to use a name she either loved and wanted to use herself one day or hated. She said she couldn’t explain why it’s upsetting her so much but it’s always on her mind. He asked what names she wanted to save for her own children as we haven’t picked one yet, but she said she didn’t want to share as she didn’t want to be the reason we don’t use the name.

The behaviour seems out of character, she’s incredibly intelligent studied philosophy and theology at undergrad, literature at post grad and is now working in translation services and very happy by most accounts in her life.

AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

In a way she not actually making it about her. She doesn’t want to actually meet the baby for a while it would appear.

The rest is because they tried to talk about the new baby. Dad brought it up.

Ops husband has just had the realisation that his idea of his now new bigger happy family isn’t going to be that. He overlooked his daughter’s childhood trauma and adult fears of loosing another parent.

Now it’s oh shit and she’s avoiding the baby once it’s here as much as she can.

She’s not demanding he pick her or the baby or that she must pick it name. She just doesn’t want to see it and likely doesn’t want to hear about it really.

Though she probably does wish this baby wasn’t going to exist. She can’t say that though as that would destroy her father.

Lucky for her she’s lives in another country and can just never visit if she doesn’t want to.

I’ve been the adult child in this situation and quite frankly it’s weird seeing your dad start again with a new family in this way.
It’s very disconcerting and as an adult you know that the dynamic of the family is about to change dramatically.

Obviously 30s is incredibly young as it means teen pregnancies. 40s isn’t young to be a grandparent.

I have too. It was pretty crap in many ways. My kids and his new kids are the same ages. Everyone kept assuming they were cousins which is just a weird feeling as then me and my dad are brother and sister.

He had way more money than when me and my original siblings were children and would weirdly show off about what he was giving his new children and expect us to be pleased? e.g. my kids would say how great it was seeing the elephants at Chester with me and rather than just listen and say how great that was for them, he'd tell them how he'd taken his new kids to Thailand to actually ride on elephants.

I don't have much relationship with his children. I am not horrible or anything but certainly they are not my siblings in my mind. I know they are technically but not emotionally.

I can feel all these things at the same time as knowing he had a perfect right to do it, that I am an adult who should "get over it", every baby is a blessing, etc.

God she's a grown woman not a baby she can either grow the hell up or be a sooky baby 😊 it's not your problem it's hers 💕

The people posting saying that she’s an adult and her reaction is illogical/ she’s being difficult are not really imagining how it would actually feel to be her. Personally I wasn’t a real grown up at 20. I try really hard to be considerate and rational but would have no control over how totally crushed I’d feel in her shoes. Then I’d feel guilty about how bad I felt. This won’t go away either as she’ll see her sister have the childhood she didn’t. All you can do is give her time and try to find the right balance between making her feel involved and not overdoing it with baby related information. Her dad probably needs to take the lead on this and set aside plenty of time to go see her alone.

Or perhaps they are the women who have had a second family with an older bloke themselves so have that "get over it" attitude

I‘m guess you’ve never been in this situation? It can bring up some complicated feelings even if logically you know you should be an adult about it.

None of her business what her father does? He's literally giving her a new half-sibling who will be in her life until she dies. Not her business??! What about the poor little half-sibling who will no doubt hero worship her older half-sibling (because kids do) - is the older sibling none of the younger sibling's business? Are they just strangers, the children and their father? Very odd attitude.

Totally agree.

The poor little adult woman….

So adults never need support or find it emotionally tricky to navigate some things? Id argue being an adult and having your 50 year old father have a baby is probably harder than if she was still a child and was to have a half sibling.

Are adults not allowed to have complex feelings about a situation?
I was 21 when my dad and his new wife had a baby. It was strange and I found it challenging at times.
It was odd seeing my dad be a better parent to my sister than he ever was to me. It was strange having a sibling which everyone assumed was my child. On more than one occasion people assumed my dad was my husband and my sister was our joint child - those moments were embarrassing.

My own child is closer in age to my sister than I am which is an odd dynamic.

Although I was an adult I still found the situation elicited complex feelings and emotions.

Everyone is ‘allowed’ to have feelings and emotions it’s the way she’s spat her dummy out the pram and said “well I’m not coming to visit when they babies born”.

Also the whole “what if you pick a name I want” but then won’t tell her Dad the names she wants. How immature and petty.

It’s the sort of reaction you would expect from a toddler not an adult.

We’ve only got that information third hand so we don’t know if that’s exactly what was said. However, she’s entitled to feel how she does.
She might not want to visit because she’s not excited, I wasn’t when my sister was born. I was embarrassed tbh.

We also see the name thing on here all the time between families. That’s not unusual. As an adult you don’t think you’ll be having this conversation with a parent!!

Agree with this. Of course DD is allowed her feelings and the space and support to process to process them, but she’s an adult and should behave like one. Adults look to find a way forward rather than making situations more difficult than they need to be. And the naming thing is manipulative.

I find this attitude really strange. Her father has remarried and the relationship is long term and stable. His wife (OP) is of child bearing age so it’s not rocket science to anticipate that a new baby would arrive on the scene. Are divorced/bereaved parents not allowed to move on unless it’s with the approval of their offspring ? And since DD has expressed the wish to stay away from her father and OP once the baby is born the siblings will very likely will be strangers - that will be down to DD, no-one else.

I‘ve never come across the naming thing where the adult DD has a particular name choice that she would like her parent to avoid, but wont tell them what it is. That’s manipulative and designed to cause difficulties. And as an adult with a relatively young bereaved or divorced parent, why would you not expect to have this conversation - maybe that’s part of the problem.

Her dad is 50. Hardly young.
My dad was in his 40’s with two grown up children when he had another baby. It was a still a surprise as we’d all assumed he’d done the ‘family thing’ and wouldn’t want to start again. We were obviously wrong for thinking that but you don’t grow up thinking your parents will start again once you’ve become an adult.

The name thing is a little odd but I have real sympathy for her having lived through a similar experience. Your thoughts and behaviour aren’t always logical in a situation like this, even as an adult.

It’s weird and it’s going to completely change the family dynamic. She doesn’t have to be happy and excited about it and it will probably take a while to get used to. She deserves a bit of slack imo.

The age difference will mean they won’t have a typical sibling relationship. At best it will feel like auntie/niece or cousin. And given they don’t even live in the same country the chances of them being close is pretty remote anyway.
They won’t have shared childhood memories or the family dynamic that comes with living together as siblings.
That’s a fact.

Her relationship with her dad will change too as he enters into life with a newborn. She can probably already feel it shifting and it takes some getting used to.

Yes, her dad has remarried and from the outside it might seem obvious that they’ll have children but they doesn’t make it any less strange for the adult children involved.

Interesting.
I am sure there are many therapists who could tell you about the hoards of adult clients they have who are still affected by the actions of their parents...

MN itself is awash with people who are still dealing with issues well into their adulthood. For many it's when they begin to have their own children and then question the parenting they have received.

The OP's feelings are completely valid and she doesn't need "to grow up" but she does need to explore & express her feelings & find a way forward.

AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

To answer your question - you have only ever known your husband’s daughter as an adult, therefore you are unreasonable to be worried about her coping. There is nothing you can do, she is an adult and will need to figure it out for herself.

You are not responsible for what she experienced as a child and her subsequent reaction to your pregnancy. It’s unfair for you to be expected to take on any of the responsibility.

You need to focus on your baby, not on the complicated emotions of a woman in her 20s, who is living her own life in another country.

Some of the suggestions on this thread (allowing her to pick out a name) are really bizzare. I don’t know when infantalising adults became the norm, but it’s really not helpful, or healthy.

She may or may not come round. Make peace with either outcome and don’t allow this to overshadow the arrival of your little one.

MN itself is awash with people who are still dealing with issues well into their adulthood.

Every MiL thread, for starters.

I felt this way when my DSM had a baby and I was late teens. She was incredibly compassionate, kind and lovely. I have an auntie type role with my baby brother and love them dearly. But I also felt unbelievably jealous and abandoned (and ashamed about feeling this way). Honestly I think they are normal feelings. My DSM may have felt hurt but she never, ever expressed that and allowed me to feel whatever I felt. But told me over and over (and over!) how irreplaceable I was. As you can probably tell her response took our relationship from friendly to one of deep love for her and my brother. But it was a longish road.
This is thirty five years ago now and we just had a lovely Christmas hosting my DSM and DF and DB plus kids. There are long term gains!

That is lovely! So good to hear a blended family that ends up ok and loving. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas together! Fingers crossed the op will be like your DSM and not like some of the posters on this thread.

You & DH just needs to be sympathetic and supportive and understanding but allow to work through all her emotions surrounding it at her own pace.

Once the baby is here she may feel differently and less out of sorts than the anticipation of it.