I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

[loppyloon]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he’s a bit older than I am, and he has a daughter who’s in her 20s. She doesn’t live in the uk, but they are close and her mum isn’t on the scene at all.

Im 6 months pregnant with a little girl, this will be my first child and his second.

His daughter is over visiting for the new year, he went out alone with her today and when he got back he seemed deflated. I asked if everything was okay and he said it was just tough convos. I asked more and he said she seemed quite upset, asserted over and over she isn’t going to fly over and visit us when the baby is born, not because she is mad but she keeps having dreams where she gets lost in the hospital when I’m in labour. He also told me she seemed sad and not herself. This is the first time we’ve seen her since announcing. He also said she kept reasserting this fear that we were going to use a name she either loved and wanted to use herself one day or hated. She said she couldn’t explain why it’s upsetting her so much but it’s always on her mind. He asked what names she wanted to save for her own children as we haven’t picked one yet, but she said she didn’t want to share as she didn’t want to be the reason we don’t use the name.

The behaviour seems out of character, she’s incredibly intelligent studied philosophy and theology at undergrad, literature at post grad and is now working in translation services and very happy by most accounts in her life.

AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

She may have had a miscarriage or abortion. I know she is young but without being her mother and living away from her father something like this may have happened, not known to you and your news has made her sad. Obviously may not be this but I would show compassion, she sounds lost.

Actions not words (or at least actions as well as words) are the only way through this. Her feelings around abandonment are completely understandable. Her dad needs to make time to go and visit her and spend time together - before the baby’s born, after the baby’s born and on an ongoing basis - it’s not going to be sorted in one conversation and as PP said will likely keep hitting her as your child grows up. It will just magnify what she never had. But if she feels included and loved by your actions it might help her work through it and even feel a connection with her half sibling.

Where names are concerned, she can't have it both ways! Either she tells you and you avoid using her names, or she doesn't and shuts up about it. In any case, I think the name thing is a red herring. She's been an only child all her life, and now she no longer will be. She won't be the centre of her father's attention any more. There's no reason why she should expect to be, as an adult, but people aren't always reasonable and she can't express her feelings the way a toddler would so she's finding another way to do it. Don't involve her in naming your baby, but give her time and space to come round to the whole idea of having a sibling.

I mean, the psychology is fairly obvious, she's afraid of being ousted from her dad's affections. Nothing you can really do about it, except be understanding (but there must be a limit), and it's clear that you're trying to be. But she has to wrestle those feelings herself. Name the baby after her? (possibly totally the wrong thing to do 😀🤔)

When you have trauma related to being abandoned (or in other cases, abused or neglected for example) by a parent, it leaves deep wounds that don’t really heal.

I have a lot of trauma related to my childhood (different root cause to the OP’s SD) and I’ve had years of expensive and very useful therapy to help me with it.
Even at nearly 40, things that trigger the emotions I felt as a child can still render me so distressed that I’m unable to do anything but curl into a ball and sob. Triggers can often include anything that can be perceived as threatening the bond with the ‘safe’ parent because as a child, that relationship is your entire world and the consolation for the other parent being dreadful.

I’m not saying that my experiences are exactly the same as OP’s SD (my parent didn’t abandon me, they stuck around being very unpredictable and abusive) but my point is that childhood trauma doesn’t just disappear when you’re an adult, and triggers can take you right back to feeling like that vulnerable child again. OP’s SD can’t help it. I’ve spent a lot of money and decades of hard work trying to get over it, and even then I can’t fully control my reactions. Trust me, nobody is choosing to be like this, it’s an absolutely awful feeling.

I feel really sorry for the SD, she must be feeling like the rug has been pulled from under her. It’s not the OP’s fault that her mother abandoned her, nor is it her father’s, but I don’t think anyone should be surprised that this has hit her so hard. I don’t think that she’s trying to be difficult over the names thing, I expect that it has nothing to do with names really. She’s aware she’s ‘supposed’ to be happy for her dad and able to cope as an adult woman, and this is the only way she can come up with to try and articulate her feelings to her father that would be acceptable. Because she feels she can’t say ‘I’m very distressed about this and wish it wasn’t happening.’

Do you also tell those with mental health problems to pull themselves together ?

@loppyloon As others have said, she will be afraid she will be pushed out from your family unit and her relationship with her Father will change.

She needs to be reassured that she is still part of the family and her Dad won't love her any less. In my view, your DH shouldn't have suggested that she come over once the baby is here and he would pay for it. In fact, you both need to play down the excitement etc which you naturally feel at the impending arrival of the baby, and continue to play it down after the baby is here ( only when speaking to his daughter, of course).

Expecting her to be equally as happy and excited as the two of you are, would be like rubbing salt into the wounds, given the trauma this girl has had growing up.

IMO you should both, but especially her Dad, not talk about the baby more than is neccessary both now and after the baby is here. I'm not suggesting for one minute that you don't mention the baby at all of course. But keep baby talk to a minimum and have lots of non - baby conversations as you have always done. You both sound very caring people, so hopefully you will be able to show her, that she still is very much part of your family. Don't push her to bond with her sister, want to come over to see her etc. That will be the quickest way to ensure she takes against her new half sibling

Hopefully your step- daughter will come round in her own time

I would add that I don’t think you do get over these things, therapy helps you come to terms with them.

It’s certainly true that you re-experience trauma and childhood unhappiness in cycles as you get older, simply because you’re going through different stages of life.

Perhaps her father can put in a little more effort and reassurance and he would normally do? It is very hard for the SD.

I think possibly family therapy is the right way to go providing DD is on board with it - it avoids singling out one person and risking making them feel as though they are the problem - although it sounds as though OP is doing her best to avoid this and be supportive. As you say, a baby will change the dynamic considerably and if DD is already struggling with significant issues which feed into that, everyone needs to be aware and help work through it.

It’s all a bit Mick Jagger isn’t it.

Anyone who thinks it’s normal must live in a very different world to mine.

I think naming the baby after her would just further cement that she is being replaced.

This is probably the best reply I’ve read. Even if the daughter hasn’t put her finger on it quite herself.

it will be important that her dad still makes time to spend with her without the baby/ half sibling present.

In fairness OP you do sound like a decent person and willing to work around her feelings which is a relief.

Do you have no empathy or what? Willing to be you’ve never been in this situation yourself as either any party (new partner, parent, adult child) so your opinion is utterly pointless.

It is icky to think about your older dad impregnating a new partner.

It’s unsettling to think about the impact on your relationship with him.

There might be upset that he’s had a baby 20+ years later rather than having a sibling with her mum.

He’s entitled to have a new relationship but having a child could have a significant impact on his existing child.

Yes I agree with you. Therapy taught useful coping strategies, but the pain is still there.

I think the most effective way for the OP and her DH to conceptualise this is that them having a baby has opened the stepdaughter’s wounds, and given that it’s happening now, they’ll need to avoid rubbing salt into them. I think PP’s suggestion of really playing down excitement about and discussion of the new sibling in front of SD is the only way forward. The SD might never feel able to be part of the new family unit without it causing huge distress, in which case the DH will need to separate his relationship with the SD and ensure he makes lots of time to keep the relationship going as it has been up until now, which might mean visiting her on his own. If I was him and there’s enough time before the baby arrives (and the SD wants him to) I would be travelling to see her on my own ASAP. She sounds very fragile.

Or they could take the attitude that she is an adult now and needs to suck it up and accept that things move on, but she can’t just shrug off her childhood trauma and think ‘thank goodness that’s over!’ I think that approach would be very cruel and would possibly cause a permanent rift.

Would asking her to be a god mother give her a defined role in the baby’s life?

Furthermore, I think he needs to make it clear to her that her NOT being ok with it all is valid, and that she can tell him how she really feels without him rejecting her- and then be prepared for her to say things that are difficult for him to hear and support her through whatever comes up. The name issue, and possibly even the dream, sounds like a smokescreen to me. She’s not saying why she finds the thought of visiting you both with the new baby so difficult because she fears displeasing him and losing him too after already losing her mum. She’s aware that she’s an adult and ‘meant’ to be able to cope, so it possibly feels too shameful and risky to tell her father the real reason. She’ll likely need her dad to give her permission to open up by acknowledging that the whole situation may well feel very distressing to her, and that he understands and is there to help.

Are there no mental health issues in your world ? Must be lovely.

She’s her sister. She already has a defined role.

I don’t think there is an easy fix for this, but an age gap between a siblings of first and second families isn’t as uncommon as some posters seem to think.

The 2 things I would suggest:

1. You decide on names for the baby sooner rather than later, so she can come to terms with that aspect before the baby arrives.
2. DH flies out to spend some time with her before the baby arrives - but before you get too near your due date!

I don’t think flying out with a newborn to visit her is a good idea at all. Firstly OP will be a new mum who needs all the care & support - and the comfort of her own home. Secondly DSD may well feel invaded and unhappy with the idea.

At the end of the day, DSD is an adult and may just need time to get her head round the idea.

It sounds like at the very least she has fears about bring displaced (lost in the hospital, her baby's name taken from her) and fears feelings of resentment (hating the baby's name) and that a lot of sadness is coming up for her.

And not to mention that her relationship with her mother is so fractured.

But she hasn't articulated this, just communicated her anxieties about the dream and naming, which is the more worrying part I think.

Could one of you wonder aloud with her if the baby on the way is bringing up worries about how her relationship with dad will be effected? And maybe more things from the past?

She sounds capable but it might be more of a caring gesture to offer to pay for some counselling sessions rather than the flight right now, and empathise that it might be a challenging time for her. If father offered to join her in family therapy it might reassure her that he is still with her in all of this.

This. 100 times this.

‘‘Twas in a similar position in that my DD1 is 3 years older than my half sibling. I don’t have a relationship with them cos I’m a grown up with my own life, husband, house and my own kids. I would let her work through her feelings but don’t expect her to drop everything in her life because of the baby. Also you sound lovely caring about how she feels so I’m sure it will work out x

I’m thinking that your opinion of your ExH had something to do with their negative reaction towards the new child.

I’m sorry but some of the replies are ridiculous. The woman lives in another country for gods sake! Tip-toeing around and getting ‘permission’ for baby names. Absolutely ludicrous! Enjoy your pregnancy and baby OP. You’re not responsible for his adult daughter’s reaction.

Its not about her.
Her father's having another child get over it.