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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

215 replies

loppyloon · 29/12/2025 22:24

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he’s a bit older than I am, and he has a daughter who’s in her 20s. She doesn’t live in the uk, but they are close and her mum isn’t on the scene at all.

Im 6 months pregnant with a little girl, this will be my first child and his second.

His daughter is over visiting for the new year, he went out alone with her today and when he got back he seemed deflated. I asked if everything was okay and he said it was just tough convos. I asked more and he said she seemed quite upset, asserted over and over she isn’t going to fly over and visit us when the baby is born, not because she is mad but she keeps having dreams where she gets lost in the hospital when I’m in labour. He also told me she seemed sad and not herself. This is the first time we’ve seen her since announcing. He also said she kept reasserting this fear that we were going to use a name she either loved and wanted to use herself one day or hated. She said she couldn’t explain why it’s upsetting her so much but it’s always on her mind. He asked what names she wanted to save for her own children as we haven’t picked one yet, but she said she didn’t want to share as she didn’t want to be the reason we don’t use the name.

The behaviour seems out of character, she’s incredibly intelligent studied philosophy and theology at undergrad, literature at post grad and is now working in translation services and very happy by most accounts in her life.

AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

OP posts:
Original poster
loppyloon · 30/12/2025 05:29

Bleachedjeans · 30/12/2025 05:25

You and DH sound like nice people and I don’t want to sound mean, but the whole baby-naming thing sounds very patronising to a young woman in her 20s. If she were 8 or 9 maybe she would enjoy helping to choose the name but not a grown woman.

I assume people are only suggesting it as she’s expressed anxiety about the name either being one she has in mind for her own future children or something she really dislikes. I’d rather she told us any names she felt passionate about as I don’t really feel passionate about any names yet and would happily leave the names she has in mind for her to use (I’d say it’s different to say my sister or friend asking me to not use certain names as I don’t think cousins sharing a name is odd but can see why when she is maybe already feeling pushed out that us using a name she wants for her own children might make her feel even worse). I’d also like to think I’m not going to pick anything out there enough that it would fall into hate for anyone, but you never know!

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 30/12/2025 05:35

loppyloon · 30/12/2025 04:52

Yes this is a good point; her mother effectively abandoned her when she was a toddler then drifted in and out of her life for a lot of her childhood, they’ve had no contact since she was about 14 and due to her mother not being from the UK and there not being much contact between her and her mother she hasn’t really been able to establish where she is or if she is well.

Show quote history

I think this has a lot to do with it….. the dream of getting lost in the hospital; she felt lost as a little girl without a mother.

She may be a little jealous - but unaware that is why she feels sad that this baby has a stable home life when she didn’t.

I think she needs therapy to deal with her mother abandoning her - let’s face it who wouldn’t - a new baby has probably opened Pandora’s box in her mind that she thought she had sealed shut.

SparklyGlitterballs · 30/12/2025 05:35

Has his DD ever had any therapy to deal with possible abandonment issues OP? There could be all sorts of emotions bubbling to the surface that haven't been adequately dealt with. Now here comes this new baby who will presumably get the loving mother that she never had, and she's partly losing her dad too.

Your DH needs to ensure he's consistently giving his DD his time and attention, separate from the baby, so that she won't feel abandoned by him. It's lovely that you are so caring and hopefully between the three of you you'll work this out.

BobblyBobbleHat · 30/12/2025 05:36

I think it is understandable and she is right to confide in her dad about how she feels. Does he make the effort to go and visit her? Does he do so regularly? I think he needs to also make sure he is putting himself out a bit to be there for her too at the moment. It will be easy for you to take the baby on a plane when it is very young so I would also suggest that you all visit together as soon as you are up to it. You all sound lovely, I'm sure it will work out, but she is bound to be feeling a little sensitive about it all.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:41

I would find it gross if my 50 yr old father was having another baby & feel pushed out. I think that’s very normal.

BerriesChocolate · 30/12/2025 05:44

My parents are together and I’d struggle if they had a child in my early 20s (they would’ve been early 40s). Your step daughter is at an age where she might have a baby soon. She probably feels abandoned as her mum left when she was young and now her dad is playing happy families with a new baby. My parents became grandparents at 50, which is a normal first time grandparent age.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:49

My parents became grandparents at 50, which is a normal first time grandparent age

The average is 60s now.

NOTANUM · 30/12/2025 05:49

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:41

I would find it gross if my 50 yr old father was having another baby & feel pushed out. I think that’s very normal.

I assume you’re young because parents of 41 & 50 is not very unusual these days. It would be much more unusual to be grandparents where I live.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:54

@NOTANUM why would you assume that? Or that a lot of dads are having babies at 50? It isn’t the norm.

Zanatdy · 30/12/2025 05:56

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:41

I would find it gross if my 50 yr old father was having another baby & feel pushed out. I think that’s very normal.

My nieces are 30 and 25 and didn’t find it weird or grossed out when their dad had a baby with his 2nd wife when he was 48. No it’s not the norm, but many men move on with other relationships (his wife had an affair and left him) and can have other DC. I can understand they might find it a bit odd, but my nieces enjoy having a little brother.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:57
  • “A 2024 study noted births to fathers aged 50-54 accounted for around 2.4% of births, while those 55-59 were 2.01%, with an even bigger rise in the 60+ bracket.

@NOTANUM how are you defining not unusual?

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:58

@Zanatdy thats great for your nieces but I am talking about how I would feel…

BerriesChocolate · 30/12/2025 06:14

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:49

My parents became grandparents at 50, which is a normal first time grandparent age

The average is 60s now.

45+ is grandparent age. Old enough to have a child who is in their 20s. Would consider 30s to be a young grandparent.

BobblyBobbleHat · 30/12/2025 06:17

BerriesChocolate · 30/12/2025 06:14

45+ is grandparent age. Old enough to have a child who is in their 20s. Would consider 30s to be a young grandparent.

Show quote history

There isn't a 'grandparent age', different families do things differently. I'd personally consider 45 on the younger side.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 06:19

@BerriesChocolate 45 would be a young gp now as first time parents are 30 ish. Again you can look up statistics.

Only on MNs would I be simultaneously getting told it’s normal to be a parent at 50 & a gp at 45 😆😆

IAmKerplunk · 30/12/2025 06:20

Why is her mum not around? And how long has that been the situation? That could be having an effect on her - she knows she will see her sibling have a mum. And she will see you, her dad and baby as a unit and maybe she worries where she will fit in. Also, despite being in her 20’s she may not be able to articulate why she is upset or perhaps she doesn’t even know why.
I would say keep communicating. Maybe dad (or you) write her a letter? Whatever your normal communication is when she is back at her home - don’t let that stop.

eta somehow I missed a whole bunch of posts! Can see the mother issue has been raised. I bet you that is the root of it.

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 06:21

Katflapkit · 30/12/2025 04:06

I think previous poster was making a comment on how the 20 something daughter maybe feeling. It must be weird for her, she is at an age where she could be imagining having children - thinking of baby names, but it's her Father having a child. I can see how it would feel a little odd for her.

Also, given the daughter's academic background in philosophy/theology, she may be prone to 'over thinking', hence the getting lost in the hospital corridors. It's a tough one, are you close to her?

Show quote history

the overthinking is real - im a phd in these subjects and ended up in psychosis from anxiety

Peridoteage · 30/12/2025 06:37

As a 25 yr old I'd have been horrified if one of my parents essentially started again with a new baby. 50 is old to have a new baby. He will be retirement age before she finishes at school! She probably thought he was finished having kids, this will be a big shock.

She isn't going to have a sibling relationship with this child, she's old enough to be her mother which creates an odd intergenerational dynamic, if she has her own children in the next 5 yrs or so they'll have a 5 year old "auntie" which is uncomfortable for a lot of people.

superchick · 30/12/2025 06:51

My Dad became a full time step parent to two very young children when I was in my early 20s and he was 50ish and he did a much better job looking after them than he ever did with me. I guess the benefits of being older and wiser, having more time and money but it also seemed that he wanted to be doing it whereas when I was young he did not enjoy parenting at all.

I suspect this situation has raised a lot of difficult memories and thoughts from DSDs childhood and she's deeply processing what happened to her. It will likely change their relationship forever, but thats not necessarily bad, just a shift in her viewpoint.

SchrodingersKoala · 30/12/2025 07:03

It sounds like she has a lot of issues to deal with surrounding abandonment, some of it could of course be jealousy if she has that weird dynamic some women continue into adulthood of being a "daddy's girl". I lived with a few women in my early 20s who had this sort of relationship with their dad's, as 1 of 3 and not the only/youngest girl I found it all a bit weird and nauseating as an adult.

I think it'd be quite infantile to ask her to be involved in naming your child, she's 25 not 5! Her issues aren't for you to deal with anyway, I'd be reluctant to dance around her like you are introducing a new baby to a toddler. She lives in a different country, I'd leave it up to her dad to deal with any weird behaviour and focus on your baby.

Mapletree1985 · 30/12/2025 07:12

She feels she's being replaced. She's grown up, and now he's going to have a new little girl to dote on. She may not be able to articulate it, but I'd put money on it being this.

13RidgmontRoad · 30/12/2025 07:13

I think she’s shocked and reacting to a situation she didn’t anticipate - she didn’t think this was on the cards. DH needs to keep talking to her, so do you if you have a good relationship, and keep lines of communication open.

Egglio · 30/12/2025 07:21

HellonHeels · 30/12/2025 04:49

Also I'm wondering if there is something coming up for her around mothers and mothering.

I'd be considering the circumstances around her not having contact with her mother. What will it be like for her knowing that new baby will be parented by a mum and her own dad? Depending on situation, that could feel devastating.

I think @HellonHeels has it spot on. It's about what your baby will have that she has not - a mothering relationship. She is probably upset and embarrassed about the feelings this is bringing up and maybe is actually being protective of all of you by not wanting to be potentially upset or affected being there when you have a newborn. It's could be very confusing for her.

Barnbrack · 30/12/2025 07:26

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 06:19

@BerriesChocolate 45 would be a young gp now as first time parents are 30 ish. Again you can look up statistics.

Only on MNs would I be simultaneously getting told it’s normal to be a parent at 50 & a gp at 45 😆😆

Both things are true, I've 2 friends from childhood who had their eldest as teens and now in our 40s are in new relationships and have had babies this year while their eldest has made them grandparents recently too.

ParmaVioletTea · 30/12/2025 07:58

Her family is changing drastically and she has had no say in it.

Yes, she’s an adult, but family relationships are still absolutely fundamental to anyone’s identity. And it seems that she’s very apprehensive: her family is no longer one in which she knows her place and her role.

You and your husband should be compassionate about this.

Although I imagine the MN warriors will say she just needs to grow up!