I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

[loppyloon]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he’s a bit older than I am, and he has a daughter who’s in her 20s. She doesn’t live in the uk, but they are close and her mum isn’t on the scene at all.

Im 6 months pregnant with a little girl, this will be my first child and his second.

His daughter is over visiting for the new year, he went out alone with her today and when he got back he seemed deflated. I asked if everything was okay and he said it was just tough convos. I asked more and he said she seemed quite upset, asserted over and over she isn’t going to fly over and visit us when the baby is born, not because she is mad but she keeps having dreams where she gets lost in the hospital when I’m in labour. He also told me she seemed sad and not herself. This is the first time we’ve seen her since announcing. He also said she kept reasserting this fear that we were going to use a name she either loved and wanted to use herself one day or hated. She said she couldn’t explain why it’s upsetting her so much but it’s always on her mind. He asked what names she wanted to save for her own children as we haven’t picked one yet, but she said she didn’t want to share as she didn’t want to be the reason we don’t use the name.

The behaviour seems out of character, she’s incredibly intelligent studied philosophy and theology at undergrad, literature at post grad and is now working in translation services and very happy by most accounts in her life.

AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

I think she feels like she is going to be replaced. She lives abroad, her dad is about to have a new baby, she feels pushed out. One parent has already abandoned her, she's now expecting the remaining one to do the same now he's got a new daughter.

What sort of parent was your DH to her growing up?
A bit of a different experience, but my mum had me young and wasn't exactly a great parent when I was a child (our relationship is okay now as adults tho). When I was about your step-daughters age she took on a caring role for some friends children (long story) and did all the things she'd never bothered doing with me as a kid and genuinely appeared to be interested in them. This was all very different to how she'd been when I was a child. Maybe not super mature but I must admit it was pretty galling to watch her pretend to be mum of the year to these random children when she hadn't really bothered with her own daughter.

A long winded tale - but the point is she may well be feeling that he's about to have a "do over" family and she's not got a place in her family any more.

Very good point about the counselling that I hadn't considered so I retract that suggestion.
Anything that will make her think she is the "problem" should be avoided because, as people are saying, her feelings around this are completely rational and understandable.

If there were no indications of any potential problems, why would OP not expect DD to be happy for them ? They’re married and they’ve been together five years. It’s not like they’ve only jut met and are jumping headlong into a new relationship with a baby on the way.

Everyone can live their life how they like but they can't control how others feel about it. Dismissing other people's perfectly valid feelings as 'pouting' sounds very much like someone who likes to have it their own way.

I don't think the dad came up with a good solution there - it meant her having to tell him her favourite names, which she wants to keep to herself for now. A better way would have been to say "you help us choose the name" and give her a list of potentials. She could then pick from that without ever having to reveal if there was one on the list that she wanted for herself.

The getting lost in the hospital dream is obvious - she feels once the baby is born, she will be "lost". She doesn't have a functioning mum, and dad now has a new baby.

OP, time is the only thing that will help this - and constantly including her over that time. Dad should make time just for her - not lots of "here's the baby, say hello" calls etc - just calls between him and her, about her.

Eventually she will realise she's not "lost".

You haven’t mentioned her having a partner? Perhaps she is thinking of her own biological clock - certainly sounds like it if she has names in mind. We are all different and you don’t know if despite her career, she may just be longing to have her own family.

Just let her be, she will work it out and once your baby is here ask her when she would like to come. TBH taking the time of work and the travel etc to visit a newborn and the tired parents is not ideal, but a visit a little later would be nicer - don’t worry if she doesn’t want to meet her step-sibling straight away. In May June, the weather is nicer and you could all go for nice walks, eat lunch outside etc.

I really don’t think you could handle this any better - just let her come to terms with her feelings in her own time in her own way. Good luck, don’t let this impact on your pregnancy - it’s time to be enjoying the nesting.

I think so too. Also what relationship is she going to have other than the fact they are sisters? They won’t have a bond, grow up together and will be essentially strangers, have nothing in common. I think give her some time.

I didn’t get the sense that OP thought DD irrational. I think you’re right in that they were blindsided by her reaction, but OP describes it as out of character which to me, sugests that there was no prior indication that a baby would be a problem. The issues she’s struggling with need professional input - OP and her DH are not equipped to help her sort them out, beyond providing love and support alongside professional therapy. This is a ‘you’ problem in that DD is clearly struggling, but offering help, understanding and loving support is very different from apportioning blame.

Her Dad is building a new life that she is not part of, I'd say its bringing up bad memories for her. Reassure her.

She probably feels jealous, as she’s been the only child to her father. She will also feel some disconnect from her dad and the new baby, as he’s forging a new life which doesn’t include her.

Give her some time and space to work through her feelings. Don’t force anything but do make her feel welcome.

She sounds like she had lots of trauma around her mother as a child. Sounds like the situation is bringing all those feelings to the surface for her

Nope. And I’m not dismissing anything - everyone has a right to their feelings and ‘pouting’ wasn’t referring to OP’s situation, which is complicated and clearly involves trauma. But there are some very self centred reactions expressed, this poster l was replying to being one of them. The adult solution is to try to find a way to make it work, rather than holding a grudge and making life difficult for all concerned. That applies just as much to any adult children as it does to parents in new relationships. You’re right in that in living your life the way you want, you can’t control how others feel about it. The question is, to what extent are others entitled to impose their objections.

Could she be having feelings about how her new sibling will have both mum & dad in their life & she only has dad?

It’s a difficult one. She probably feels very confused and conflicted about her feelings. She likely doesn’t really understand why she’s feeling the way she is. She sees herself as an adult, so in her head this shouldn’t bother her, but it does. The dreams and the issue around the name are probably not the root cause, but her trying to process her feelings by attaching these things to them. You can’t fix how she’s feeling because she doesn’t understand it herself. For her, the only way forward is to remove herself from what she sees as the cause; the arrival of the baby.

The only thing you can do is keep the dialogue going and your door open. It may be that when the baby actually arrives and she is able to see her and experience her, that she comes around. The anticipation, the unknown, is often far worse than the reality. At the moment she doesn’t know how she will feel and that’s scary.

You say that her mother isn’t on the scene. Her father is her only constant, her security. A new baby, a girl, this is bringing a lot of uncomfortable and conflicting feelings out for her. She is supposed to be happy, she probably wants to be happy, but she isn’t and that’s what’s making her sad and withdrawn.

I am a long way on from university age but as I was reading the OP I could vividly remember three freinds from back then who had strong reactions to their parents having a new baby with a new partner after they had flown the nest and moved awqay to university.

I think it's really common for adult half-siblings to be affected to some degree. It's lovely in this instance that you and DH both really care for her and want to understand and make things right with his DD. I agree with what others have said about letting her have time, not letting this cloud your own pregnancy, and letting DH and DD spend as much time working through it as needed.

Much love and many good wishers from this random mumsnetter xxxx

At the end of the day, she really just needs to get over herself.

Ffs. Really? Being abandoned by your mum can cast a long shadow on your life. This new pregnancy has probably raised feelings and thoughts that the dd hasn’t had for years.

Do you always struggle with empathy?

I was going to say the same thing. Her comment about names suggests she may be concerned about the impact of her emotions on others or struggle with others seeing her distress. Watching babies and young children being treated lovingly may stir up some very difficult feelings for her.

Your mother abandoning you as a toddler, after you've developed a strong attachment but before you can understand the rejection, then repeating the loss several times in childhood, then final abandonment at the age when you begin to identify as a woman and no communication to say if she is alive or dead, is probably amongst the most difficult childhood experiences. However, if she's had a stable, loving home with her dad she may have felt that she should be able to deal with this and buried some of her feelings.

Is there enough time before the birth for her dad to visit her on his own, acknowledge the birth is likely to be difficult for her but that's ok, tell her you can both approach this however seems best for her but that you very much want her to get to know her sibling etc

Not sure you can just make another adult 'get over herself", especially if you want to maintain a relationship. Telling her that seems like a very quick way to deepen the gulf with the step-daughter.

Perhaps she is annoyed that she’s going to have to share her inheritance with another person, who she probably won’t even know that well or build a relationship with, considering the age gap and living abroad.

I remember my mum and dad suggesting that they’d like another baby, when I was about 18 and my youngest sibling was 14, and even at that age we knew how it would impact us long term (and didn’t want another sibling).

She might have felt more accepting of the op’s presence as eventually, everything that she interprets as her dads would pass to her
regardless. But now it does not. Now she is more of an outsider and less of a priority to boot. Her dad is older and his wife and new family are not.

>>I think this is your answer. She had a traumatic childhood and she's about to watch her dad start again with a baby that (hopefully) will have the loving and stable childhood she should have had.

Yep, all she had growing up, and even now, family wise, was her dad (no stable mum). She managed to get to adulthood accepting the way things were and at least, she thought, she had a unique place in her dad’s life, as his daughter, one thing that had lasted and she could count on. And perhaps she told herself that, at least, someday, when she had her own kids, she could build an intact, normal family unit with her dad as a conventional Grandpa (one whose relationship with young children is one generation removed, with all the traditional indulgences, treats, visits, and stuff, not altered by Dad simultaneously still parenting his own young kid). When you’ve had an odd, partial childhood, fixing things by having conventionality and giving a “normal” family setup to your own kids can be very strong and healing (speaking from experience here).

But that’s being taken away. He will have a new shiny daughter now, who is not only replacing her in the daughter role, but possibly also her own child to be, in the grandchild role.

Dad gets a do-over to give the new daughter all the stuff that the old daughter didn’t get (intact family, decent mom, etc). So many parents find this more interesting and fulfilling than their old kid that reminds them of the previous, less satisfactory family unit. And the old kid is expected to be super excited and about having their life now revolve around the new kid. Dad will be less willing to travel to her sphere now, too, I imagine, and she will be expected to fit into his new life, rather than him being an active part of hers.

Of course she feels sad and anxious at what she may lose.

if all of these thoughts make you angry because - of course it won’t be like that!! …good, because now you know what to do to help her. Be sure it isn’t like this. Consider her childhood and lack of mother, versus your intact family unit being built using the one piece she thought she had as a constant (her dad) and don’t make her feel like she should be grateful to be a bit player in a setup she never got to have.

I think her feelings are totally understandable and what’s actually positive is that she has a good enough relationship with her father to tell him what’s going on.

She’s about to have a wildly different family dynamic, she’s an adult, and she has no control over it.

Would some family therapy help? You could all zoom in together?

I don’t struggle with empathy. I’d be in the wrong job if I did! But the baby is on its way and this is one of those situations where people have to make the best. I can totally understand her having mixed feelings on it, but the talk of not wanting to share baby names seems a bit childish to me.
OP, has she undertaken counselling of any sort? Apologies if this has already been covered, but I haven’t read the full thread.

YABU to marry someone with a child (even adult) and not fully expect all sorts of issues.

Its none of her business, what her father does, just as its none of his business what she does relationship/baby wise.

Grossed out pathetic.