Brother has said he will stop contact between his kids and my stepdaughter over Christmas invite

[Mollymaynot]

Our Christmas has been ruined by a family rift and I’m at the centre of it.

I married my DH in January this year. We are having a baby due in April 2026. DH has a child already aged 5. I’ve been in DSD’s life since she was 2 years old. She lives with us at home and has done since she was 3ish.

My family have always been welcoming of DSD and treated her as my family (which she is) and always includes her in family events.

I got a message from DB around a week before Christmas asking why we were bringing DSD to Christmas dinner at my mum and dads house as I’m “not even the kids mother” and “Christmas is for actual family”. I replied saying that she is my family and our baby’s sibling.. he said “it’s not fair on the proper children of the family who are blood relatives”. I was then warned not to tell my mum as she was trying to keep the peace.

I did tell my mum and she was horrified, saying she had not said anything to my brother and that she has never had any issue with DSD or our family. Her and my dad have both said that they will never exclude DSD and see her as a grandchild.

Now here’s where it gets even worse. DB had said that he won’t bring my nieces around my DSD as she is “not family”. He called her “some child”. This is so out the blue as we had a bonfire party just for the children and they all loved it, and they are always around each other?

I’m at a real loss, I hate conflict but I feel like I’m being pushed out of the family for no reason. I also feel angry that my DSD is being spoken about like this for no reason - she’s 5, she’s never known any different.

I have no idea how to navigate this

You can do anything you want @WearyAuldWumman . But I don't think it's likely.

That's why there's not really much point in commenting. The OP won't answer questions so the whole thread is guessing.

The only thing to do, based on the little info there is. Is tell him to crack on, tell SIL you're sorry your babysitting services aren't needed anymore. Wish them well and get on with your lives.

If you end up isolated from your brother, that will probably be a positive thing. How cruel and vindictive. What has a 5 year old done to him? I wouldn’t want him in my life to be honest. And if I was your mum I would put him firmly in his place.

Maybe you should of read the whole thread before sharing your instinct

I think this is the most awful thing I’ve read over Christmas. I’m so sorry for you OP. I suspect this is a red herring and your db is looking to fall out with you and DH. It’s weird for this to come out of nowhere .

Hate to say it but if your DH is a different ethnicity has brother started following the hatred preached by some on line and is now directing it at your DSD (and husband). A sudden change like that has to have been driven by something and it doesn't seem to have been a change in the family dynamic.

To the posters saying I’m withholding information so there’s not much point commenting… I’m not getting into sharing my DH and DSD ethnicity and religion. It is not relevant at all. I’m not having this thread descend into an argument of religions or ethnicities.

My brother hasn’t mentioned ethnicity, but it might be that it is a factor.

How will telling mumsnet give any further insight into the situation?

DNS and DSD get on lovely. Eldest DN has bough DSD a Christmas present and is asking to see her this week. Youngest DN has asked her mum (DSIL) to FaceTime my DSD which has been facilitated. They all played together on Christmas morning. I have zero reason to think DN has “done” anything, but even if she had, I’m not having someone call her a random child, non-blood relative, etc. she is our family.

cut your brother out, he’s a c**t!

We are not asking you to share this information - we are asking why you are apparently being obtuse in not acknowledging that your brother may have an issue with your DSD (and therefore your DH) because of his race/religion. Christmas is a time when these differences are accentuated - but you are seemingly being wilfully dismissive that this is what underlies your DBro’s behaviour.

We can’t advise otherwise. We have no idea whether your family are wealthy, whether your parents are likely to change their wills in favour of your DSD etc it is all very remote and unlikely to be the catalyst for DBro’s behaviour now. What is more likely is that Christmas [as a largely white, European, Christian cultural event], your pregnancy [with a mixed race child?], and possible exposure to increasingly right wing media reports are shaping his behaviour. But you don’t want to see this.

You said you were 'raised in Italy', what does that mean, that you're white British but raised in Italy, that you're white Italian and raised in Italy, that you're not white British but raised in Italy, or not white Italian and raised in Italy

There definitely is something cultural going on with the brother here isnt there, he's gone off his rocker about 'blood' family and whatever that means.

Horrible man , she is family

I'd ask him to explain the 'not fair' comment, how is having a 5 Yr old at dinner not fair to his children? And where does he propose the child go instead given she lives with you? And is he seriously thinking that you, your DH and your child together attend Xmas dinner at your parents for the next however many years while their older sibling gets sent off to wherever he thinks they should be instead?
If you hadn't been able to conceive and adopted a child would he feel the same?

This might be totally left field but is it possible that DB has a secret child? I'm just thinking if he's projecting (as is usually the case with these types of behaviours) is it possible he doesn't like how you've all accepted DSD because he fears if you were to find out, you would be horrified/try to treat the child like family in which case he'd have no escape from accountability? He'd also not be able to use the excuse that they aren't really family to avoid socialising his children together.

Once again, how have you not just asked him why he’s doing this? As opposed to all this speculation?

I can only suspect jealousy and your DD step dd is being favoured over his DC.
He has seen a difference in warmth etc and how she's treated and he doesn't like it
Possibly also inheritance issues

lol

I’ve no advice, but just wanted to say, you sound like a fabulous mum.
Your DSD and DH are lucky to have you and I’ve no doubt in years to come DSD will know she’s loved and protected.

I think just carry on as you are. You still go to your mums, she's still comes over, you invite your niece/nephew to things you host and as a family you shun anything DSD isnt invited to.

I'd probably go out of my way to host more to piss him off.

My immediate reaction is that he doesn’t want to be around DSD in case she says anything - could he possibly be having an affair with her mum?

You can’t go from being ok with someone to all of a sudden not wanting to be around them, especially a child!

Your brother sounds vile. I'm so sorry. I suspect like others it's racists/religious based issues on his part. But I'm glad your parents aren't listening to his complete and utter bullshit either.

Maybe he is just a vile man - nothing cultural at all

Well he isnt great either way is he, but the point is why now? Whats different now?

The political discourse has changed to some degree which is most obvious thing amid speculation of affairs and secret children.

Or the religious aspect has now manifested overtly - is your DSD now wearing a hijab or some other overt religious symbol that your brother strongly disagrees with?

I would guess money is at the bottom of this. It's a very strong motive. He may be making incorrect assumptions, but that wouldn't make such a motive less strong.

Don't most peoole leave any inheritance to their actual children?
And grandchildren benefit indirectly?