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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother has said he will stop contact between his kids and my stepdaughter over Christmas invite

207 replies

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:15

Our Christmas has been ruined by a family rift and I’m at the centre of it.

I married my DH in January this year. We are having a baby due in April 2026. DH has a child already aged 5. I’ve been in DSD’s life since she was 2 years old. She lives with us at home and has done since she was 3ish.

My family have always been welcoming of DSD and treated her as my family (which she is) and always includes her in family events.

I got a message from DB around a week before Christmas asking why we were bringing DSD to Christmas dinner at my mum and dads house as I’m “not even the kids mother” and “Christmas is for actual family”. I replied saying that she is my family and our baby’s sibling.. he said “it’s not fair on the proper children of the family who are blood relatives”. I was then warned not to tell my mum as she was trying to keep the peace.

I did tell my mum and she was horrified, saying she had not said anything to my brother and that she has never had any issue with DSD or our family. Her and my dad have both said that they will never exclude DSD and see her as a grandchild.

Now here’s where it gets even worse. DB had said that he won’t bring my nieces around my DSD as she is “not family”. He called her “some child”. This is so out the blue as we had a bonfire party just for the children and they all loved it, and they are always around each other?

I’m at a real loss, I hate conflict but I feel like I’m being pushed out of the family for no reason. I also feel angry that my DSD is being spoken about like this for no reason - she’s 5, she’s never known any different.

I have no idea how to navigate this

OP posts:
BlondeFool · 27/12/2025 18:52

If your DH is a different religion, is your DB racist?

SweeetFannyAdams · 27/12/2025 18:53

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:50

Mainly because I don’t want to upset my DH or DSD. My mum and dad have always welcomed DSD and DH, and I would hate for him to feel like they are not welcome.

I offered to talk to DB in person but he said it can wait til after Christmas. He’s now in person said he won’t have his kids around DSD, in front of my dad, who told him to grow up and get real.

Show quote history

Hmmm

Well you're going to have to tell your husband some time aren't you?

I'd hit the roof if my DH kept this from me, especially as it would concern my child.

mamaison · 27/12/2025 18:54

My guess was that one of your DN was similar age to you DSD and brother is worried/jealous that people will view her more favourably for some reason- maybe worrying that she is smarter/funnier/more talented or more well liked etc Nonsense reason but that was my guess. Maybe now they are both school age there will be more to compare about the two girls in his eyes.

SweeetFannyAdams · 27/12/2025 18:55

BlondeFool · 27/12/2025 18:52

If your DH is a different religion, is your DB racist?

If he was racist, he would've been racist last month at the bonfire party and all the other times the kids were around each other.

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 27/12/2025 18:55

If this is a change in character there must have been a trigger. Have you asked why?

Marieb19 · 27/12/2025 18:56

I think there is more to this than your DB just being a prize winning arse hole. I'd arrange tk meet and speak with him and explain how upset you are with his behaviour. She's a y year old little girl FFS.

CornishTiger · 27/12/2025 18:58

You need to tell your husband calmly without delay. Otherwise your brother is creating secrets within your manage.

Personally I think your parents need to step in here. Tell him DSD is welcome as much as the other children are. We are all family. Stop being a dick and stop upsetting your sister.

And repeat.

They need to ensure he knows his little demands won’t be tolerated.

Where is SIL in all this?

DonutsWin · 27/12/2025 18:59

Your DB is exceedingly hateful to your innocent 5 year old (step) daughter.

Unfortunately, the same happened in my family. It was a fight that a non-blood child was getting an inheritance share from my parents. Gutlessly shameful.

Publicly shame him outside your family.

CautiousLurker2 · 27/12/2025 18:59

You mention that your DH is a different religion - is heJewish or Muslim? And is he of a different race? Ie is there a chance your DBro is being racist? And, if so, what will this mean for your own child when they are born in April?

Curly12345 · 27/12/2025 19:00

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:24

I doubt it, but maybe? He’s not liked DH as he is a different religion but he always celebrates Christmas with us regardless. He was nice the wedding though and they have had some nice conversations over Christmas (I haven’t told DH about these messages yet)

Show quote history

You mention DH is a different religion, could it be to do with that? Depending on the religion, could he be antisemitic? Islamaphobic?

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 27/12/2025 19:01

Is you step daughter a different skin colour to you?

But even that doesn’t fully explain why the change in attitude (though people do fall down rabbit holes online that can change tier views drastically).

The blood only thing is nonsense anyway, his wife is there and she isn’t a blood relation.

ItsStillChristmas · 27/12/2025 19:01

I don’t class my siblings step kids as my niece and nephew, but I don’t care if they attend family events. Why is your brother so bothered? He doesn’t have to think of this child as part of the family, he just needs to be polite when he sees her. Like he would hopefully be to any child.

Your brother seems to have had a shift in his attitude, so if this is real, there’s a reason for that.

SweeetFannyAdams · 27/12/2025 19:04

Everyone can guess 'Is it this?' 'Could it be that?'

But only one man knows the real reason and the second man might have a clue.

They are who the OP needs to speak to.

4forksache · 27/12/2025 19:05

Good on your parents for standing up to him.

Tulipsriver · 27/12/2025 19:08

I honestly don't see how you can have a relationship with your brother after he's been so horrible about your stepchild.

Ubugly · 27/12/2025 19:08

He sounds like a knob.
When is this Christmas dinner?

BettysRoasties · 27/12/2025 19:09

SweeetFannyAdams · 27/12/2025 18:55

If he was racist, he would've been racist last month at the bonfire party and all the other times the kids were around each other.

Show quote history

Unfortunately some racists manage to hide their hatred and the pregnancy could have become the ffs now she’s stuck with him made a baby with him and snapped his racist little brain. If he’s racist that is.

NutButterOnToast · 27/12/2025 19:14

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:50

Mainly because I don’t want to upset my DH or DSD. My mum and dad have always welcomed DSD and DH, and I would hate for him to feel like they are not welcome.

I offered to talk to DB in person but he said it can wait til after Christmas. He’s now in person said he won’t have his kids around DSD, in front of my dad, who told him to grow up and get real.

Show quote history

Your DH might be more upset if you don't tell him.

At the moment it's just your DB being a dick. Your parents have your back.

There's no need to tell DSD anything. If he doesn't want his children around DSD then he's welcome to not attend any family functions.

NewUserName2244 · 27/12/2025 19:15

I’m wondering if DH’s religion is key here. In the initial messages was it possible that the emphasis was on Christmas when he asked why you’re bringing her?

ie if DH is Hindu for example, DB knows/assumes DSD is too, and therefore why are you bringing her to Christmas?

Doesnt in any way excuse his behaviour of course! But might explain where he is coming from.

If not, my second guess would be money. If his eldest is 15 your parents may have offered some money towards university or driving lessons or something and explained that they will do the same for all of the grandkids.

I think that you need to thrash it out with him and get to the bottom of what is going on.

FollowSpot · 27/12/2025 19:17

My guess is he is jealous and resentful of your parents embracing your DSD as a grandchild. Is there an inheritance in the offing?

Otherwise, if your DH is of certain heritage, has your idiot Bro been taken in by the dreadful racist / Reform / anti immigrant rhetoric that SM is steeped in these days?

SweeetFannyAdams · 27/12/2025 19:19

BettysRoasties · 27/12/2025 19:09

Unfortunately some racists manage to hide their hatred and the pregnancy could have become the ffs now she’s stuck with him made a baby with him and snapped his racist little brain. If he’s racist that is.

Show quote history

The OP was also pregnant last month.

I do think there's something else going on, but the OP needs to get to the bottom of it with both of them instead of avoiding it.

WeAllHaveWings · 27/12/2025 19:20

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:50

Mainly because I don’t want to upset my DH or DSD. My mum and dad have always welcomed DSD and DH, and I would hate for him to feel like they are not welcome.

I offered to talk to DB in person but he said it can wait til after Christmas. He’s now in person said he won’t have his kids around DSD, in front of my dad, who told him to grow up and get real.

Show quote history

Contact your db and tell him this is not hanging over you until after Christmas, he needs to tell you now what had changed.

And ask your parents to put pressure on him to explain too. Unacceptable for him to drop a bombshell like that without giving a reason (even if the reason is probably unacceptable too).

Has you dsd told your nieces Santa doesn’t exist or something equally ridiculous.

caramac04 · 27/12/2025 19:20

Has he had a bang to his head?
what can have made him change his attitude to a little girl??

sprigatito · 27/12/2025 19:25

I would no longer have a brother, simple as that. He would be dead to me. Wicked, horrible man.

Tontostitis · 27/12/2025 19:26

This is more AI nonsense