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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother has said he will stop contact between his kids and my stepdaughter over Christmas invite

207 replies

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:15

Our Christmas has been ruined by a family rift and I’m at the centre of it.

I married my DH in January this year. We are having a baby due in April 2026. DH has a child already aged 5. I’ve been in DSD’s life since she was 2 years old. She lives with us at home and has done since she was 3ish.

My family have always been welcoming of DSD and treated her as my family (which she is) and always includes her in family events.

I got a message from DB around a week before Christmas asking why we were bringing DSD to Christmas dinner at my mum and dads house as I’m “not even the kids mother” and “Christmas is for actual family”. I replied saying that she is my family and our baby’s sibling.. he said “it’s not fair on the proper children of the family who are blood relatives”. I was then warned not to tell my mum as she was trying to keep the peace.

I did tell my mum and she was horrified, saying she had not said anything to my brother and that she has never had any issue with DSD or our family. Her and my dad have both said that they will never exclude DSD and see her as a grandchild.

Now here’s where it gets even worse. DB had said that he won’t bring my nieces around my DSD as she is “not family”. He called her “some child”. This is so out the blue as we had a bonfire party just for the children and they all loved it, and they are always around each other?

I’m at a real loss, I hate conflict but I feel like I’m being pushed out of the family for no reason. I also feel angry that my DSD is being spoken about like this for no reason - she’s 5, she’s never known any different.

I have no idea how to navigate this

OP posts:
IndigoBabble · 27/12/2025 19:27

Good for your Dad OP. We have been a blended family for 20 years. My husband and I had a child each when we met and one together. Both families embraced the ‘step’ children int the family and the are treated as equal grandchildren, niece and nephew etc which is as it should be. Your brother is being an absolute arse. I would try speaking to SiL to see if you can get any insight as his behaviour sounds really quite strange and out of the blue 🤔

PGmicstand · 27/12/2025 19:29

WTH is wrong with him?

I could just about understand if this was a new boyfriend and this was the first time you were introducing his child to the family, but this isn't the case.

You did mention religion - is either your DH or your brother very religious? I wonder if there is some sort of issue around this that has triggered things, although given that religions tell us to treat others with kindness, that doesn't seem like a feasible excuse either.

You should tell your husband. It isn't fair to keep this from him, and the longer you do, the worse it'll be.

Re: stepchildren not being 'part of the family' this is a ridiculous mindset. They ARE part of the family by virtue of being the stepchild of someone in it. I have blood related nieces and nephews and step-nieces and nephews. It wouldn't occur to me to treat them differently because it would make me a dickhead.

Superscientist · 27/12/2025 19:33

I grew up in a blended family but I only ever have known it as family. My eldest sister is from my mum's first marriage but I was 8 before I knew this. My dad and his family treated us all the same whilst we were children, once we became adults my sister and my nan drifted apart but broadly we had a similar upbringing.
Right up until 2020, when I got pregnant with my first and my nan asked my dad if he was excited to be a real grandad this time around. My eldest sister had a 10 year old. He told her that he was my sister's dad in everyway that mattered and a proud grandfather to her child as he will be to mine.
It was the first time in 30 years that my nan made a comment like that to his face. My dad didn't speak to her for a while after that.
I wonder whether the closer you are to having your own child is making him speak about things he hasn't dared voice before.

flumpsfortea · 27/12/2025 19:35

What a vile creature your brother is. That would be it for me.

TamarindCottage · 27/12/2025 19:36

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:15

Our Christmas has been ruined by a family rift and I’m at the centre of it.

I married my DH in January this year. We are having a baby due in April 2026. DH has a child already aged 5. I’ve been in DSD’s life since she was 2 years old. She lives with us at home and has done since she was 3ish.

My family have always been welcoming of DSD and treated her as my family (which she is) and always includes her in family events.

I got a message from DB around a week before Christmas asking why we were bringing DSD to Christmas dinner at my mum and dads house as I’m “not even the kids mother” and “Christmas is for actual family”. I replied saying that she is my family and our baby’s sibling.. he said “it’s not fair on the proper children of the family who are blood relatives”. I was then warned not to tell my mum as she was trying to keep the peace.

I did tell my mum and she was horrified, saying she had not said anything to my brother and that she has never had any issue with DSD or our family. Her and my dad have both said that they will never exclude DSD and see her as a grandchild.

Now here’s where it gets even worse. DB had said that he won’t bring my nieces around my DSD as she is “not family”. He called her “some child”. This is so out the blue as we had a bonfire party just for the children and they all loved it, and they are always around each other?

I’m at a real loss, I hate conflict but I feel like I’m being pushed out of the family for no reason. I also feel angry that my DSD is being spoken about like this for no reason - she’s 5, she’s never known any different.

I have no idea how to navigate this

Your arsehole brother is a prick and is worried about his kids’ inheritance. What a lump of knobcheese. I’m pleased your parents know what kind of son they spawned

ForZanyAquaViewer · 27/12/2025 19:36

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:50

Mainly because I don’t want to upset my DH or DSD. My mum and dad have always welcomed DSD and DH, and I would hate for him to feel like they are not welcome.

I offered to talk to DB in person but he said it can wait til after Christmas. He’s now in person said he won’t have his kids around DSD, in front of my dad, who told him to grow up and get real.

Show quote history

And you didn’t ask why/what had brought this on? Seriously?

Nearlyamumoftwo · 27/12/2025 19:38

Wow this is awful I'm so so sorry that poor girl - you've done nothing wrong at all - is there a race issue here? Is your DSD a different race to the rest of your family? I know a few families where this has happened...

Catapultaway · 27/12/2025 19:41

I'd message DB and say "But weve always treated you like you were family, even though you're adopted"
It will at least fuck with his head for a few seconds 😂
But yes, hes a cunt.

ItsStillChristmas · 27/12/2025 19:45

TamarindCottage · 27/12/2025 19:36

Your arsehole brother is a prick and is worried about his kids’ inheritance. What a lump of knobcheese. I’m pleased your parents know what kind of son they spawned

Show quote history

Most parents leave their estate to their kids, not grandchildren though so it might not be this.

SouthernNights59 · 27/12/2025 19:46

Well I know what I would be doing in your case, and that would be giving my brother a gigantic piece of my mind and then ceasing any future contact with him. What an absolute dick!

Namechangedndnf · 27/12/2025 19:47

That is horrendous.

You probably need to be a bit wary in case the cousins pick up on the horrible things he is saying and inadvertently let DSD know or get a bad feeling.

Endofyear · 27/12/2025 19:50

If he was my brother, I think I'd probably tell him to fuck off and stay away from you, your DH and DSD if that's the way he feels. What a weird way to behave! Hopefully you'll still be able to have a good relationship with your parents and visit frequently with both your children when baby arrives. It's sad not to see your nieces but that's on him, not you.

CuriousKangaroo · 27/12/2025 19:56

BlondeFool · 27/12/2025 18:52

If your DH is a different religion, is your DB racist?

I wonder the same.

BauhausOfEliott · 27/12/2025 19:59

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:24

I doubt it, but maybe? He’s not liked DH as he is a different religion but he always celebrates Christmas with us regardless. He was nice the wedding though and they have had some nice conversations over Christmas (I haven’t told DH about these messages yet)

Show quote history

Is your DSD mixed race and your brother a massive racist?

StealthMama · 27/12/2025 20:00

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:50

Mainly because I don’t want to upset my DH or DSD. My mum and dad have always welcomed DSD and DH, and I would hate for him to feel like they are not welcome.

I offered to talk to DB in person but he said it can wait til after Christmas. He’s now in person said he won’t have his kids around DSD, in front of my dad, who told him to grow up and get real.

Show quote history

This is an issue of your DB. It’s not something you are actually the centre of given your parents are supporting you.

You need to tell your DH so you don’t break your trusted relationship with him. dSD obviously needs to know nothing about it.

You’re having baby in 4 months. You’re time is going to be consumed. Tell your brother if he can’t provided an honest reason for why he wants to divide himself and his children from the family, then he can fuck off and fuck off some more.

his choices, his consequences.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/12/2025 20:16

Is your brother having some kind of episode? If he’s not normally like this why is he bullying a five year old?

Bellyblueboy · 27/12/2025 20:18

I agree - this is so weird and extreme it’s either not true or your brother is having some sort of mental health crisis.

TheeNotoriousPIG · 27/12/2025 20:22

That's awful, OP! Your DSD is a very important part of the family, and I'd be questioning those around your brother as to what has set him off on this train of thought all of a sudden. Thank goodness that the rest of your family sounds like they support you and your DSD. Hopefully, your brother will grow up and get the message rammed home.

Blizzardofleaves · 27/12/2025 20:22

I imagine your db is possibly losing his job or struggling financially. I have seen this before. Speak to your sil

AgnesX · 27/12/2025 20:26

Is your partner a Muslim by any chance? I'd lay odds that your brother's turning into a right wing arsehole.

I could be wrong but I can't see why he's so uptight all of a sudden.

Starlight7080 · 27/12/2025 20:27

Is it a prejudice/religious reason? Did he hope your relationship would end and now you are pregnant realised it wont?
Had he been watching/listening to the more extreme right wing people lately

TamarindCottage · 27/12/2025 20:34

ItsStillChristmas · 27/12/2025 19:45

Most parents leave their estate to their kids, not grandchildren though so it might not be this.

Show quote history

My MIL left a substantial amount of money to her grandchildren - knobcheese may well see it as his children’s inheritance being diluted

Original poster
Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 20:37

Thanks everyone. I have mentioned the messages to my DH. He was really upset and confused - he said that DB is lovely with DSD and he never knew it was an issue. He has said maybe there’s a jealously element as DB is no longer the only sibling with children.

he has suggested we invite DB and DSIL to speak with us to discuss anything.

Reluctant to say what religion/ethnicity my DH is. But he’s not from this country no. But neither are we! We were raised in Italy!

OP posts:
AyrshireTryer · 27/12/2025 20:39

Have your parents mentioned a will and DH is feeling his kids will miss out as you are having more children and your parents count your older daughter as equal to his kids?

ThatWhiteElephant · 27/12/2025 20:39

Wow, what a vile thing to say!
Really so horrible, think I’d try to speak to your SIL and see if she can shed some light on where this has come from.