Brother has said he will stop contact between his kids and my stepdaughter over Christmas invite

[Mollymaynot]

Our Christmas has been ruined by a family rift and I’m at the centre of it.

I married my DH in January this year. We are having a baby due in April 2026. DH has a child already aged 5. I’ve been in DSD’s life since she was 2 years old. She lives with us at home and has done since she was 3ish.

My family have always been welcoming of DSD and treated her as my family (which she is) and always includes her in family events.

I got a message from DB around a week before Christmas asking why we were bringing DSD to Christmas dinner at my mum and dads house as I’m “not even the kids mother” and “Christmas is for actual family”. I replied saying that she is my family and our baby’s sibling.. he said “it’s not fair on the proper children of the family who are blood relatives”. I was then warned not to tell my mum as she was trying to keep the peace.

I did tell my mum and she was horrified, saying she had not said anything to my brother and that she has never had any issue with DSD or our family. Her and my dad have both said that they will never exclude DSD and see her as a grandchild.

Now here’s where it gets even worse. DB had said that he won’t bring my nieces around my DSD as she is “not family”. He called her “some child”. This is so out the blue as we had a bonfire party just for the children and they all loved it, and they are always around each other?

I’m at a real loss, I hate conflict but I feel like I’m being pushed out of the family for no reason. I also feel angry that my DSD is being spoken about like this for no reason - she’s 5, she’s never known any different.

I have no idea how to navigate this

You say your DSD lives with you. Is that 100% of the time? If so, where does your DB expect her to go when you visit your parents?

Additionally, is your DH bringing his DD up in his own religion? Your DB perhaps doesn't want that to "rub off" on his own kids (basically he's racist). Out of interest, what religion have you decided to bring your own child up in?

I'd be telling DB that if he continues then he'll not see much of his new niece/nephew, as you come as a family package and you won't be excluding DSD from that. Hopefully your DSIL will maintain a relationship between you and the younger niece.

Is your dh is not white as well as belonging to a different faith and your brother's dislike against your dsd, be thinly disguised racism? Especially since you say that he's never liked your dh because he belongs to a particular religion. Is he a Muslim by any chance, it'll explain your brother's hostility.

Could also your sil be whispering in his ear and making the problem worse? I would tackle this directly because it's a horrible way to treat an innocent child.

I don't think step children or step grandchildren should automatically be included in the will but isn't it up to the person writing the will to decide what to do with the estate??

My brother is like this and he’s jealousy. Pure jealousy at the root of every issue my brother creates within our family. I’ve been no contact for the last 5 years and happier for it. I’ve seen him a few times at big family gatherings but mostly keep my distance and keep it surface level.

I think you could talk to your parents about his latest threat and then have a face to face discussion with DB and your parents together in order to find out the real reason for his change of mind..good luck

If your db is not usually a cunt then there may be something that you are not aware of. I had a few thoughts. One is that there may have been an incident with your dsd - maybe she witnessed something your db did. Another thought is racism. And another thought which might be unpalatable to you is that the nastiness is actually coming from your mum and dad and that they are being fake with you and pretending they are fine with it but complaining about dsd to your db all the time and leaving him to do their dirty work. The final thought is that it might be about inheritance and your db wants your dsd cut out of your parents will. These are all highly speculative but there isn't much to go on. I hope you get it sorted.

Has your DB been accessing racist content and had his views influenced by this? Seems weird to have a sudden switch of behaviour.

It may also be that a new baby has made him suddenly made him greedy about inheritance.

Either way he is extraordinarily moronic to take issue against a 5 year old and I would be furious with him and do everything to protect the child from his horrible behaviour.

Is your DSD the same religion as your DH? Could the reason he's being so nasty about your DSD be religious bigotry at least in part? Not that it makes a difference really, whatever the reason is his behaviour is disgusting.

It’s just about inheritance, no more or less. Protecting what he feels he’s entitled to. That it won’t make a difference to him is a detail because most people don’t understand how it works anyway.

This is ridiculous , and if you really think about it everyone who has a partner is bringing a " non blood " ( his words ) person along . You could complain about his wife , what is she to you . You don't know her other than his partner , you live with your dsd and love her , so you love your brother's partner / wife ? I'm thinking no .

Another one voting for this being financially-inheritance motivated. It seems that he’s been used to being the only one with children for a good while - now there are two ‘rivals’…

Is it possible one of his girls has said something to set this all off? Normal response would be for him to reassure them of course not be a dick to his family...

Well done OP for ‘fighting your DSD corner’ ! Your DB sounds like a complete twat! Who gets the right to dictate which children see one another during a family Christmas?? What an arse!

He sounds a nasty piece of work and i would not be giving him head room.

I do admire you for not telling your husband about this. It is the best approach but I don't underestimate how hard that must be for you. I would approach this in a calm way telling him that since you and your family (including your step daughter) have been invited to the meal at your parents house and you've accepted then you absolutely no intention of doing anything other than attend it. He may consider your step daughter "non blood" but you don't. He can decide if he attends or not, that's on him and his wife. I would then clearly tell him that your step daughter is part of your life and that's an end to it. It's up to him how he handles it going forward but you really hope that the good relationship between you, your sister in law and his kids can continue. Then end the conversation.

Your brother is being so bold that I wonder whether your parents are not being as honest with you about your stepdaughter as you think? Might they have expressed reservations about your husband/stepdaughter to your brother - you know them so you know if that is likely? If that is a possibility, then they clearly don't want to fall out about it though so I would be clear with them too that the step daughter is part of your family and everyone needs to accept that.

It's just total fiction. People make up the weirdest scenarios on Mumsnet!

I'm so sorry it's turned out that your brother is a cunt, @Mollymaynot .I'm so glad your parents are being supportive. I am certain your brother will have other controlling tendencies. You sound like an absolutely lovely mum to your DSD. I would be wary of speaking with your brother. He obviously has issues and I don't think you should validate his stupid behaviour.

The OP mentioned that her brother's behaviour had changed recently towards both her DSD and her DH and I was just wondering whether the DB had misheard or seen something out of context etc that might mean that he suspects the DH of an affair (or other behaviour that may lead to family breakup) and was distancing the DH and DSD from the family. It is pure speculation based on the OP mentioning that this is new behaviour.

Even if that were true taking it out on an innocent 5 year old would be beyond weird.

I think this - jealousy. DSD is pretty much the same age as his youngest and now there is a baby on the way. The dynamic in the family will shift. And the extra attention your parents gave to his family will now go to you.

And maybe racism. Italy is a Western country, Italians don’t experience racism in the West. But others do.

Your DSD is your daughter in all the ways that matter. She’s part of your family, so of course she should be invited to family events.

I’d have a chat with your SIL, but if she agrees with him, I’d let them flounce around and get on with it.

Your parents sound great. 👍

What a horrible thing to say and stand by. You cannot allow him to dictate anything. Sounds like he’s trying to test which set of grandchildren are more important to your parents. He actually believes your parents would prefer his over yours, because you only have one by blood! Some kind of jealousy there for sure. I’d ignore him and carry on as you are. Offering to meet him to discuss it sounds like a good plan. Try and get to the bottom of it, keep asking why he’s changed his attitude and why now?! Did he used to get expensive presents for his children, now yours and his get the same?! Talk to him. If you cannot get to the bottom of it because he avoids you, then just ignore him.

Oh I agree with you and I did say how horrible it was in my original message.

Wow, he sounds grim. Is your DH also a different race as well as religion? I’m wondering if your brother has been swept in by the flag bearers…

Either way, I’m happy you and your parents have accepted DSD as part of the pack and that she is loved and wanted. Screw your brother, he can stay away. Who on earth treats any child this way? What if you had adopted a child, would he feel this way as well? He’s awful.

I wonder what your agenda is in saying this?
If you think like this, why are you even reading it or commenting?