Brother has said he will stop contact between his kids and my stepdaughter over Christmas invite

[Mollymaynot]

Our Christmas has been ruined by a family rift and I’m at the centre of it.

I married my DH in January this year. We are having a baby due in April 2026. DH has a child already aged 5. I’ve been in DSD’s life since she was 2 years old. She lives with us at home and has done since she was 3ish.

My family have always been welcoming of DSD and treated her as my family (which she is) and always includes her in family events.

I got a message from DB around a week before Christmas asking why we were bringing DSD to Christmas dinner at my mum and dads house as I’m “not even the kids mother” and “Christmas is for actual family”. I replied saying that she is my family and our baby’s sibling.. he said “it’s not fair on the proper children of the family who are blood relatives”. I was then warned not to tell my mum as she was trying to keep the peace.

I did tell my mum and she was horrified, saying she had not said anything to my brother and that she has never had any issue with DSD or our family. Her and my dad have both said that they will never exclude DSD and see her as a grandchild.

Now here’s where it gets even worse. DB had said that he won’t bring my nieces around my DSD as she is “not family”. He called her “some child”. This is so out the blue as we had a bonfire party just for the children and they all loved it, and they are always around each other?

I’m at a real loss, I hate conflict but I feel like I’m being pushed out of the family for no reason. I also feel angry that my DSD is being spoken about like this for no reason - she’s 5, she’s never known any different.

I have no idea how to navigate this

Does your brother have children? Do your parents fuss over your step-daughter in the same way as they do other children in the family? Could your brother perceive your parents as favouring your step-daughter over his children or other 'blood' related children? You mentioned that your brother has started being critical towards your husband. Have your husband and brother fallen out? Could your brother be jealous of your husband for some reason? Does he have a better job? Earn more money? Have a better car? Do you have a nicer home? Is your husband fitter or better looking than your brother? Or could this be down to inheritance that may be received later on from your parents? Are your parents planning on leaving their grandchildren money in their Will? If so would this include your step-daughter? Regardless of your brother's reasons, he's being incredibly cruel and unkind towards a 5 year old child. He needs to give his head a bloody good wobble and he needs a metaphoric smack around the ear. Your brother should be ashamed of himself. He not only has been cruel towards your step-daughter but he's also tried in a roundabout way, to blame your parents, and has the attitude that he's merely 'saying to you what they won't'.

What a nasty bastard, definitely share the texts with your SIL and see if she has some insight.

You need to start getting angry and tough and protecting your dh and daughter. Cut him from your lives

Abusive and controlling

Inheritance normally goes to the children not grandchildren

Could it be political / racial? Lots of people seem emboldened at the moment to pick on religious or ethnic minorities, where they wouldn't have done before because of the social culture.

Was he initially very welcoming of SD OP? Or has be been a bit flat about her until now but is now openly hostile? Either way it's not right she's just a 5 year old little girl and if my brother behaved like this I'd personally cut him off, whilst he may not have that family feeling towards her and may be unable to connect with her like family your SD certainly shouldn't be shunned from his children and excluded from family events just because shes not blood related.

You don’t need to navigate this imo.

You and your DSD are still invited by your parents to things. If he doesn’t want to come then fine, sounds like it’s not a huge loss tbh.

I’d be worried your brother was having some kind of mental breakdown tbh. His wife isn’t related to the family either nor are any in laws etc. People marry in and this child has been married in. And even if she wasn’t she’s a small child who you are a guardian to and why would that be an issue on Cmas? He sounds like he’s fallen off his rocker.

Id go round to his house and try and get to the bottom of it tbh.

He also has severely misinterpreted the meaning of Christmas if he thinks it is only for spending with blood relatives. Give him a bible for Xmas

I agree

Well something has flipped a switch. Given that this is out of character for him you need to do some digging.

If this is out of character, could someone else have used his phone? I only say that as my friend got horrible messages and it turned out it was the phone owners teenager and mates being idiots. They thought it was funny. I am definitely grasping at straws though. Or has your step daughter done anything to annoy him like had fights with his kids or said horrible things or behaved badly at previous gatherings? Something to make him wish she was excluded.

Otherwise I think he's a dick and you should avoid him in future.

That would be the end of my relationship with my brother. What he said is disgusting. What does he expect you to do with the child who lives with you on Christmas day? Clearly worried some of the attention is taken from his own child. Disgusting thing to say.

All these posts suggesting the sister in law is dragged into it. Why?

Is she the fixer for OPs brother, is she his mother and keeper?

This is what drives women round the bend, other family members expecting them to sort out other family members.

Speak to the brother and deal with him, he's the one that said it. If the sister in law involves herself then yes, deal with her as well but so far OP hasnt mentioned the sister in law.

Because she is the mother of her own daughters and might be interested to know that her husband plans to cut them off from their own family.

also OP will want to know if she shares the same vile views so that she knows whether to keep babysitting or not.

Your brother is a poor excuse for a man

What a horrible asshole your brother is. Im so sorry you've had to deal with this. Your DSD is lucky to have all the love that you and the rest of your family have extended to her x

You say you're at a 'real loss' but I suspect you're afraid of the reason for it.

Not only have you not sat your brother down and asked him why everything's changed since only last month, but you haven't even told your husband about the messages.

Why are you avoiding this?

Ok, so you continue as you were with your parents, and leave him to avoid you all.

It's terribly sad, and God knows why he is suddenly saying this.

Personally I wouldn't be able to come back from it. We have a blended family too and if anyone doesn't want to support that or welcome our respective kids into each side of the family, they can fuck off. Luckily it's mostly been ok.

Mainly because I don’t want to upset my DH or DSD. My mum and dad have always welcomed DSD and DH, and I would hate for him to feel like they are not welcome.

I offered to talk to DB in person but he said it can wait til after Christmas. He’s now in person said he won’t have his kids around DSD, in front of my dad, who told him to grow up and get real.

Stand your ground ! Your brother is an idi@t

Invite your dps to your home. Db need never figure in your plans again.
Request his name is never mentioned in your home.