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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother has said he will stop contact between his kids and my stepdaughter over Christmas invite

207 replies

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:15

Our Christmas has been ruined by a family rift and I’m at the centre of it.

I married my DH in January this year. We are having a baby due in April 2026. DH has a child already aged 5. I’ve been in DSD’s life since she was 2 years old. She lives with us at home and has done since she was 3ish.

My family have always been welcoming of DSD and treated her as my family (which she is) and always includes her in family events.

I got a message from DB around a week before Christmas asking why we were bringing DSD to Christmas dinner at my mum and dads house as I’m “not even the kids mother” and “Christmas is for actual family”. I replied saying that she is my family and our baby’s sibling.. he said “it’s not fair on the proper children of the family who are blood relatives”. I was then warned not to tell my mum as she was trying to keep the peace.

I did tell my mum and she was horrified, saying she had not said anything to my brother and that she has never had any issue with DSD or our family. Her and my dad have both said that they will never exclude DSD and see her as a grandchild.

Now here’s where it gets even worse. DB had said that he won’t bring my nieces around my DSD as she is “not family”. He called her “some child”. This is so out the blue as we had a bonfire party just for the children and they all loved it, and they are always around each other?

I’m at a real loss, I hate conflict but I feel like I’m being pushed out of the family for no reason. I also feel angry that my DSD is being spoken about like this for no reason - she’s 5, she’s never known any different.

I have no idea how to navigate this

OP posts:
socks1107 · 27/12/2025 20:41

We don’t ever get invited to the family Boxing Day get together as my children aren’t family. I’ve been told that too my face:
I don’t ever want to go now as I’d never put my DDs with people so spiteful. Tell him fine but she’s your family and that’s how it is

ItsStillChristmas · 27/12/2025 20:49

socks1107 · 27/12/2025 20:41

We don’t ever get invited to the family Boxing Day get together as my children aren’t family. I’ve been told that too my face:
I don’t ever want to go now as I’d never put my DDs with people so spiteful. Tell him fine but she’s your family and that’s how it is

It’s so odd. Presumably it’s just food, chat etc. I can understand if they want some photos taken with just the bio kids, but to have an issue with the kids even being there on Boxing Day is weird. You’re best out of it I’m sure,

nomas · 27/12/2025 20:52

He’s not liked DH as he is a different religion but he always celebrates Christmas with us regardless.

I’m also guessing this is due to your DH’s religion / ethnicity and therefore your DSD’s.

Your DB is likely the type of racist coward who picks on little girls but not grown men.

Many of his type have become emboldened following Tommy Robinson / Nigel Farage / Trump.

Volpini · 27/12/2025 20:52

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 20:37

Thanks everyone. I have mentioned the messages to my DH. He was really upset and confused - he said that DB is lovely with DSD and he never knew it was an issue. He has said maybe there’s a jealously element as DB is no longer the only sibling with children.

he has suggested we invite DB and DSIL to speak with us to discuss anything.

Reluctant to say what religion/ethnicity my DH is. But he’s not from this country no. But neither are we! We were raised in Italy!

I haven’t read the full thread, but given the current hostility in the Uk, (and I’m presuming you are in the UK) my instincts are that you and your family are white and CofE/ Catholic - and your husband and DSD are not (white / Catholic/ Protestant.)

Volpini · 27/12/2025 20:53

nomas · 27/12/2025 20:52

He’s not liked DH as he is a different religion but he always celebrates Christmas with us regardless.

I’m also guessing this is due to your DH’s religion / ethnicity and therefore your DSD’s.

Your DB is likely the type of racist coward who picks on little girls but not grown men.

Many of his type have become emboldened following Tommy Robinson / Nigel Farage / Trump.

Posted at exactly the same time as you without seeing your post, but basically, this.

Bubblefun70 · 27/12/2025 20:56

Is it worthwhile having a discrete word with your sister-in-law about why your brother just seems to have suddenly turned funny like this?

BernardButlersBra · 27/12/2025 21:00

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 20:37

Thanks everyone. I have mentioned the messages to my DH. He was really upset and confused - he said that DB is lovely with DSD and he never knew it was an issue. He has said maybe there’s a jealously element as DB is no longer the only sibling with children.

he has suggested we invite DB and DSIL to speak with us to discuss anything.

Reluctant to say what religion/ethnicity my DH is. But he’s not from this country no. But neither are we! We were raised in Italy!

Your brother is vile, manipulative and controlling

I also think he's jealous there is going to be another "real" grandchild. I don't share his views and l think he's out of order for clarity. I bet he used to tell himself DSD is only a step child but know there is another child on the horizon the he is kicking off

DeathStare · 27/12/2025 21:04

Do both your brother's children have the same mother?

If not, has something happened within one of his children's step-families recently and he's now projecting this on your family?

Simplelobsterhat · 27/12/2025 21:14

Why has everyone jumped to him having an issue with dh? My first thought was that something has happened between dsd and his kids, or she has behaved in a way he doesn't like. I know she's only 5 and holding that against her wouldn't be right, but it seems like most obvious issue. He's finding it hard to manage the dynamic between them, or she's allowed to do something they aren't, or there was some kind of name calling / pushing last time you didn't know about? And he's jumped to finding a reason why they don't have to spend time with her. If so he's not handling it right of course!

Aluna · 27/12/2025 21:18

Who are the 2% of posters who think this is ok?!

Icanflyhigh · 27/12/2025 21:22

I think we might have the same brother as there can't possibly be two "men" as cuntish as this.

Mine is now dead ti me and I've not one moment of regret. I also still see my DNephew regularly as ex SIL supports this and makes sure it happens x

Daytimetellyqueen · 27/12/2025 21:44

This is so bizarre if it’s come out of the blue! Sorry Op.

Namechangeyname · 27/12/2025 21:49

ZeldaFighter · 27/12/2025 18:35

Could it be political / racial? Lots of people seem emboldened at the moment to pick on religious or ethnic minorities, where they wouldn't have done before because of the social culture.

Yeah, I wondered this too when op said her DH was of a different religion...

WilfredsPies · 27/12/2025 21:59

If he’s said this to your parents, would your mum or your dad be willing to talk to him to find out what has brought this on? I don’t understand what has suddenly changed, unless one of your parents has made some passing comment about sorting out their wills and, as pp’s have suggested, it has suddenly occurred to him that a share for your DSD means a smaller share for his family?

I hope it doesn’t happen but as he appears to have gone insane, I’d be prepared for the possibility that he threatens to withhold contact with his youngest DD from your parents unless they go along with his nonsense.

Shutuptrevor · 27/12/2025 22:02

Another one wondering if this is racially motivated and your brother’s started listening to far right wankers online.

PapaSatanicus · 28/12/2025 01:10

I very strongly suspect racism or prejudice of some kind here…

ClareBlue · 28/12/2025 01:31

What's the bit about it not being fair on the other children if your DSD is there, all about?
That's a seriously weird thing to say about a 5 year old being around on Christmas day.

ClareBlue · 28/12/2025 01:59

Guess is that you and brother are Catholic and your partner is Jewish. That would explain not celebrating Christmas and there are plenty that have found a hatred for Jews over the last few months that they never knew they had before and can even some how justify it to themselves, even to hating 5 year old girls. There's very few that can match the quick changes in prejudice than a ritious antisemetic who's seen the light of 'evil' Zionism can. I know, I live in Ireland

Heresto26 · 28/12/2025 02:46

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 27/12/2025 18:31

I would tell him that if he doesn’t want his children around your daughter then he is welcome not to attend family events.

But I would expect your parents to say something to him and if they don’t then I’d be reviewing my relationship with them as well.

But tbh I’d be telling the 15 year old why you don’t see them, because at 15 she’s old enough (and at 15 probably gobby enough) to have an opinion which she hopefully wouldn’t be afraid to voice.

Yes surely you'll not be pushed out? Your parents should 'side' with you and call out his behavior. I'd have it out with him and if he is just simply being awful I wouldn't hide the reason you don't speak to him anymore from anyone old enough to understand.

Poodleville · 28/12/2025 05:19

It sounds like your brother is jealous of the changes in your life. You've been married recently and now you're pregnant, and you now come with a man in tow and no doubt a cute 5yo. I bet you're getting more attention than usual? It would be strange if you haven't been! It's called "your turn".

But he can't exile you or your baby, so he's found a flimsy argument to target you via DSD. That's my guess.

Strangerthanfictions · 28/12/2025 05:29

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:20

No! I’m so shocked by this. I’ve always looked after DNs when he has been at work, get on so well with DSIL. He got my DSD a present for Christmas.

he also started being critical of DH for some reason.

my main concern is my DSD. She had a rough start in life and she needs to know she is loved as much as the other children. It’s breaking my heart

Show quote history

I love you for saying this. I've been that step daughter and it's a hard life feeling like you never quite belong. The main thing is here you have the power to insulate her from all of this, she is the child and she is the vulnerable one, if your brother chooses not to come with his kids then she need never know that was about her. I would take my time and write him a heartfelt letter outlining that this is a small child who you parent, who you gave parented for her entire living memory, who lives with you and is a blood relative to your partner and your own child and is as good as to you and can he explain what he thinks is so toxic and damaging suddenly about having a little five year old girl who is absolutely an integral member of your family, at Christmas dinner. Explain that if he holds this attitude to the little girl he is forcing you to set boundaries about his contact your nieces contact with her as your will not have her as a small child mistreated in any way and it is your job as a parent to protect her. Find out what you are dealing with here, is there a bigger picture? Does he ever kick off about you getting more support, attention, money etc from parents? This child is being used for an agenda and good for you for not allowing it

Hufflemuff · 28/12/2025 05:37

Either DSD has upset your DB 6 year old and he doesn't want his child to be upset again on Christmas- which is fucking pathetic because kids will always make up faster than the adults.

OR your DB is racist and has been emboldened by all the recent right wing knuckle dragging in the media.

user1492757084 · 28/12/2025 05:52

Go visit him and his wife on your own.
Talk about the issue.
State clearly that your DSD would never be in a position to take any share of anything from his children so he is being a complete moron. She is a little girl member of the extended family and not a threat.

Separately, address these things....
When you are together as a family, pay attention that your nieces are getting their reasonable alone time with their grandparents.

Never be disappointed if your parents want to take their grand children to some outings, one on one, without DSD. Clearly never in a cruel way but I doubt your mother would ever be cruel.

Ask your parents to not include DSD in their Will.

Ivegotchills · 28/12/2025 06:09

Mollymaynot · 27/12/2025 18:50

Mainly because I don’t want to upset my DH or DSD. My mum and dad have always welcomed DSD and DH, and I would hate for him to feel like they are not welcome.

I offered to talk to DB in person but he said it can wait til after Christmas. He’s now in person said he won’t have his kids around DSD, in front of my dad, who told him to grow up and get real.

Show quote history

What reason did he give?

calminggreen · 28/12/2025 06:13

Why not say the religion? Could be the crux of it? What’s happened in the last month….a terrible terrorist attack on Bondi?….so if your husband is Muslim and he is raising the child Muslim then this could be the trigger ….sounds horrifying and stupid to many but who knows what’s going on in his brain? And without knowing the religion everything is just speculation as to what has changed so dramatically in such a short space of time