Brother has said he will stop contact between his kids and my stepdaughter over Christmas invite

[Mollymaynot]

Our Christmas has been ruined by a family rift and I’m at the centre of it.

I married my DH in January this year. We are having a baby due in April 2026. DH has a child already aged 5. I’ve been in DSD’s life since she was 2 years old. She lives with us at home and has done since she was 3ish.

My family have always been welcoming of DSD and treated her as my family (which she is) and always includes her in family events.

I got a message from DB around a week before Christmas asking why we were bringing DSD to Christmas dinner at my mum and dads house as I’m “not even the kids mother” and “Christmas is for actual family”. I replied saying that she is my family and our baby’s sibling.. he said “it’s not fair on the proper children of the family who are blood relatives”. I was then warned not to tell my mum as she was trying to keep the peace.

I did tell my mum and she was horrified, saying she had not said anything to my brother and that she has never had any issue with DSD or our family. Her and my dad have both said that they will never exclude DSD and see her as a grandchild.

Now here’s where it gets even worse. DB had said that he won’t bring my nieces around my DSD as she is “not family”. He called her “some child”. This is so out the blue as we had a bonfire party just for the children and they all loved it, and they are always around each other?

I’m at a real loss, I hate conflict but I feel like I’m being pushed out of the family for no reason. I also feel angry that my DSD is being spoken about like this for no reason - she’s 5, she’s never known any different.

I have no idea how to navigate this

Like PP I'd guess he's a racist - he's already shown himself to be prejudiced with his dislike of your husband just for being of a different religion. A couple of civil conversations disguised it but obviously didn't change his mind. Depending what online rabbit holes he's gone down, a vague prejudice can morph into racist ideology very quickly these days.

The weird emphasis on "full blood family" also has an echo of racist rhetoric as well.

I wouldn’t be giving him the opportunity to ‘discuss’ this with you. There’s no justification for it. If you managed to reach some compromise then you’d know your DSD was always some weird compromise. Fuck that. I wouldn’t speak to him again.

The affair comment is total fiction, not the actual thread!

I am intrigued. A possible misunderstanding about an affair is unacceptably fictitious but him being racist, worrying about inheritance/gifts etc are fact? The whole thread is speculation because we don't know these people. The vast majority of MN is speculation, we remove the speculation and there isn't much left.

How old are nieces? Have they expressed any jealousy about DSD to him or about attention your mum gives? I think if anything this is the reason. Dreadful. I’d behaving stern words with him

I thought racist too. Is he a reformer and did your DH come as an asylum seeker.

Like others, I thought this was about inheritance. But when you say DH has a different religion and is not from this country, and obviously DSD is his child - is there a chance your brother has been sort of radicalized? This REALLY smacks of suddenly deciding that someone else is lesser for some reason, and I would immediately wonder about possible racism (perhaps it’s garden-variety religious intolerance). You don’t have to say what your DH is, as this can happen either way - he might be Jewish, and your DB is becoming antisemitic, or he coukd be Muslim and your DB is becoming some kind of piece of shite Proud Boy or whatever they’re called. It doesn’t really matter; your DB cannot possibly have any excuse for hurtfully excluding such a young child. But saying she can’t be around her cousins really strongly sounds he’s formed the opinion, maybe with some help from online sources, that your DH and DSD are “bad” in some way, perhaps the “bad type of immigrants” (read: not white), whereas even if you and your family are immigrants from Italy, it’s okay because you’re white. It’s both sad and disgusting if this is what your DB has become; I’m mentioning it so you can prepare yourself, OP, just in case.

What a dickhead. Your poor parents!

I can’t help but feel OP is being disingenuous - that this protest has arisen around ‘Christmas’ which is not part of the DH and poss DSD’s faith has to be the centre of the issue. DB is either bing Islamophobic/antisemitic… or racist and I think OP knows this as she has been coy about addressing the fact this has been raised/asked multiple times on this thread.

Theres no affair. I have no idea how ppl on the thread have connected the way the brother has acted over the step child with that being linked to an affair!
The average persone who suspects their bil of having an affair would probably not be nasty towards a child, his anger would be aimed at the husband. Some posters have made a connection with money or inheritance which sounds more like what the issue could be connected to.

But you’re not being "pushed out". Your brother is a fool and is pushing himself and his immediate family out. Let’s hope your mum stands firm and tells him in no uncertain terms that he’s being ridiculous.

I replied saying that she is my family and our baby’s sibling.. he said “it’s not fair on the proper children of the family who are blood relatives”.

Ask him when the rule was made that says only blood relatives can come at Christmas, and whether he's broken it to his wife that therefore she's not coming.

Also ask him how it's unfair on his children, and whether he thinks it would be fair on your stepdaughter to leave her at home.

Your brother is a racist. I’d be the one keeping him away from my family, never mind what he allows.

This is what I was thinking.
There will be an element of racism involved somewhere.
Who talks about the level of family blood ties at Christmas?

My bet.. your brother has been pulled into right wing/reform type social media. He is being bombarded by Britain first memes about "Christmas being cancelled". Tommy Robinson has found Christianity and is hosting 'carol sing along's' to save 'british culture' funny you know.....

I suspect he’s realised that he is no longer the golden boy providing the only grandchildren. And because your’s will be younger, they will start to take attention from his. Previously DSD was your boyfriend’s daughter, generously included, but now she’s legally your stepdaughter so as much a part of the family as his wife.

Any chance your brother as simply harboured “flags! Nigel! Unite the kingdom!” feelings all along and they’re coming out stronger now for whatever reason?

I wonder if he is projecting onto your DSD his feelings about you being pregnant and having a baby soon. Is he feeling like you will be the centre of family attention for having the newest addition to the family?

Also, if there is an ethnicity difference, could that be coming to the fore - his latent prejudice against having a mixed race blood relative? He was able to think he was a nice, tolerant liberal when it was just step family, but not now you will be having a mixed race child of your own (if that’s the case), he’s coming out with his racist inner thoughts?

He’s a childish, and frankly horrible, dick whatever the reason - using a 5 year old child as the object of his strop is completely unacceptable. I am glad your parents are telling him to belt up, but clearly he thinks withholding his children is his trump card, which is also demonstrative of his vileness.

I think Zelda has probably hit the nail on the head.

Racism is being expressed more openly and tolerated in our society these days. He just feels more able to say what he thinks than he used to.

Good to read a sane take on here. So much virtue signalling and performative posting when this is most likely. I'm sure DB is rationale.

Your brother is behaving appallingly.

I suspect he is jealous or worried about inheritance from your parents.

Oh heck. You're right. This hadn't occurred to me.

Obviously the non-biological kid wouldn't get inheritance. Not sure that's the problem.

No, there's nothing obvious about it. You can include a non-biological grandchild in your will.

Ask your DB will he be stopping his children from attending school because of all the 'random' and 'strange' children his daughters will need to be around, and will he be crossing the road when he sees other children in public and staying away from parks, shops, swimming pools etc...kids everywhere. Sounds petty, but gets the message across.

It does sound like he's jealous and he's projecting. His kids are no longer babies and you have a baby on the way, so he's raging that baby will have lots of attention, therefore misdirecting his anger onto a 5yr old child.

Your brother is disgusting and I would tell him he has now become a safeguarding risk regarding your children and he is no longer to contact you or be around your children because he's too aggressive and bullying a 5yr old.