Will I ruin everything for everyone?

[ReallyStrugglingToday]

I'm not going to go into details (unless someone asks really nicely! 😉) But work this year has been consistently horrific and very stressful for a number of reasons and has just escalated as the months have gone by.

I'm completely burnt out from it. I've barely left the house other than to go to work for the last three months because of it. I've become a shell of my former self.

We broke up for christmas on Friday and i have done no Christmas shopping. I didn't have the time or the mental or emotional headspace to start shopping earlier. I just kept thinking, if I can get through this week, then next week... except that next week just brought more of the same and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse at work, it did.

To put it into context, I have two adult children - 19 and mid 20s. The youngest has now gone away for Christmas and the eldest will be coming to me (and my partner) on Christmas day.

On Saturday, I went out for the day with my children to do some Christmas shopping and spend a bit of time together before the youngest left. I normally wouldn't have done so the Saturday before Christmas when I really needed to just decompress but decided to adopt a positive mental attitude and get on with it to spend time with my children.

We had a nice day together but I was completely unable to do any shopping or anything really. I can't explain it. I was completely overwhelmed by everything. The shops, the people, the sensory overload. I'm ashamed to say I kept crying. Not that they saw, not blubbing or weeping or sobbing but just randomly found myself with tears rolling down my face which I wiped away and hid from them. I just felt anxious, stressed, disoriented, confused and just desperate to get home, which isn't really like me at all.

I couldn't think, couldn't see things in shops properly - everything was just stuff everywhere, even deciding where to go for lunch was beyond me (which was fine, they chose). I can't even make a decision about what I want for lunch!

We had a nice day together, saw the youngest off on the train and went our separate ways.

I took Sunday to rest hoping that yesterday would be better. But it wasn't. I spent hours trying to tidy the house and do laundry (so that I could go shopping today) and getting nowhere.

My partner will do all the food shopping (he always does) and has already got most of it. But I have bought no presents for him, my children or his (adult) children. I just feel like a complete failure and feeling like I'm going to let everyone down is making it all worse.

I'm posting because I didn't sleep again last night. I kept waking up having palpitations, waking up in tears (as i have done for weeks/months now), and I seem.to have a mental block. I can't even think about Christmas shopping now because I can't work out where to go, or what to buy or what time I need to leave or even whether I need a shower before I go. I tried looking online but couldn't work out where to start.

My son has only asked for one thing and I can't even find that.

Every time I start to think about Christmas, my heart races, I get pains in my chest, my breathing is shallow and painful and my brain is foggy. I haven't had a panic attack but I used to get them when I was younger and so recognise the signs.

I know my children and partner will understand but will they still be disappointed? I don't know if his children will understand. They won't make a fuss, I know that but I didn't attend my birthday night out this year because of all of work stress and they (my partner, his children and my children) went without me (no problem, I insisted). My partner and my children understood but his thought it was odd. It just never leaves me. I feel anxious and overwhelmed constantly by everything.

It's not an issue of resilience. I've always been very resilient and my colleagues and I have found reserves of resilience we never knew we were capable of this year.

I've just got nothing left and this year has broken me.

YABU - you will let everyone down and be the worst sort of person if you don't find a way to do this today.

YANBU - you need to take care of yourself, reduce the pressure and postpone presents.

Obviously, I'll be looking for a new job in the New Year. (If I get time to do so).

Oh bless you. This isn’t what Christmas… or life is about. Think about yourself at 90, will you be happy that you stayed in this job and made yourself this ill over it? Consider your options lovely. There’s more to life than feeling like this xx

Your kids are grown up, I'm sure they and partner will understand if you at you're sorry, it's just been an awful year and you're wrung out.

Make a cup of coffee, get on Amazon and get it done. I understand that feeling of overwhelm but keeping your head in the sand doesn’t help.

Let us shop for you:
theatre voucher
reading subscription
red letter day voucher - afternoon tea or experience
hit amazon up on simple gift and add cash.
they will understand.
look after yourself. You need rest.

Honestly, I know you've had a hard year, but can you really not just go on Amazon and buy gift cards if nothing else? They'd be delivered tomorrow and you'd be done!
Just say that it's been a tough year, and you thought they'd all prefer to be able to choose their own gift anyway! I'm always thrilled if I get Amazon cards because you can buy almost anything on there.
Not ideal, I know, but at least it's something and will take literally minutes to organise.
Then, allow yourself a day of complete relaxation, knowing that you've done the job you needed to do.

I hadn't even thought of Amazon gift cards!

Like you say, not ideal but everyone can use them. Thank you!

Seconding the gift cards. And a trip to the GP - it sounds to me based on experience that you could benefit from something like Citalopram in the short term.

You're welcome. Honestly, sometimes it's the better choice! I hope you feel better and happier soon :) Merry Christmas.

It's not really about what I can do. My cognitive functioning is so shit at the moment that I can't think clearly enough to even have ideas to accept or reject in the first place!

Amazon gift cards is the obvious solution!!

I think people voting yabu... mean yabu unreasonable to carry on like this

Your body is sending you clear messages please listen.
I didn't earlier this year and as a result have lost about 50% of my hair as a result (good times!)

I think people voting yabu... mean yabu unreasonable to carry on like this

Your body is sending you clear messages please listen.
I didn't earlier this year and as a result have lost about 50% of my hair as a result (good times!)

Take care and decompress

I could have written most of your OP. It really chimes.

Especially the bit about “just another month”, hoping it gets better and then it actually gets worse. I also have barely left the house apart from for work and my days off are just spent sleeping or in a daze. Random crying familiar too.

Only difference is I have a young child so have had to do presents and decorations. But everything else has completely gone out of the window.

I am considering my job in the New Year.

Wishing you a restful, peaceful Christmas, with the space to think clearly about next steps.

The obvious solution is for your partner to step up if you aren't well, surely?

There's plenty of time for them to buy a few simple gifts and do a food shop, and that's all you really need.

Gift cards are a good idea if they won't, though.

I often suffer from being overwhelmed in the way you describe. Fortunately my job doesn't add to it (much).

You do need to make a change. See GP and I think a new career?

It sounds like you'll feel better for buying some presents. Agree amazon vouchers. Tuck them into a box of chocolates or bottle of wine or selection of American Candy (via amazon with next day delivery) so you feel you are giving something if needed.

Sometimes you just need someone to give you an easy, immediate option. You sound completely overwhelmed and your system is telling you that you have no more capacity for anything. Listen to your body, try to get some rest and let people look after you. Maybe think about seeing your doctor and getting some help, but most of all just stop and give your body and mind some space.

OP, you are ill. If it's easier, come down with 'the flu' over the next few days so you can hide and sleep, and then see the GP after Christmas for proper help. Go easy on yourself, if you try to push through this it's likely you will make yourself much worse in the long run. You're more likely to 'ruin' it if you try too hard and break down. I don't mean to sound harsh, just blunt. Look after yourself.

Not Christmas related, but I got to this point of tears at the slightest thing (both at work and at home) in the last months at my previous job.

My eldest son in his 20s just begged me to leave as he could see how it was bringing me down.

I’d been in that job for many years and felt responsible for keeping things going, but so much had changed and I had no control over it and it ended up severely affecting my mental health.

It took a while to find another job (it hadn’t got quite so bad that I considered leaving with nothing to go to), but things have changed so much for the better since then.

Wishing you luck in your job hunting.

For now something like gift cards and a promise that you’re actively looking for a way out of your situation fora better life for you and therefore for them as well.

This isn’t about Christmas. It’s about being so worn down and overwhelmed (with stress, maybe something else?) that you can’t function even when you want to. A trip to the GP is in order. A few proper chill days, one lie in won’t fix months of stress, or doing things YOU enjoy and /or bring you calm and peace.

Amazon gift cards for prezzies, or amazon also sell gift cards for other retailers/companies if you know some of their likes. A small box of chocolates for everyone if you want something more physical.

Would you be able to join in the festivities, play a board game and have some fun? That will be more memorable and the kind of stuff that will make Christmas, rather than the gifts.

Really daft , but I ordered who am I Christmas crackers from amazon (aimed at kids obviously) but it’s hilarious and quite engaging after Christmas dinner and a glass or two.

Sounds like the menopause to me…

You have a lot going on and, given the age of your kids, I'm wondering if menopause might be throwing a further spanner into the works. Talk to your GP. Also, you've got to change jobs. Life is too short.

Have you tried sertraline? If not, highly recommend. I found it so helpful when I have felt like this in the past, it clears ‘the fog’, so you can make a calm and reasoned decision as to whether you want to continue in your job or whether it’s time to job hunt. Out of interest, do you work in a school?

It feels scary to be this burnt out, but it’s very common and it is something you can overcome. Go to the GP and start job hunting.

I would -

write a list of everyone

buy them all an Amazon gift voucher

buy them all a bag of Christmas crisps

Pringles have luxury Christmas mystery flavour

Golden Wonder are doing baked ham Christmas bauble crisps

I'm sure there are others.

Our corner shop sells them so they're not hard to find, Asda and the like have loads. Go for a walk and find some weird Christmas crisps.

Probably disgusting but they'll make everyone smile when they open them. I've bought a few as stocking fillers and random gifts

Dear OP,
Please investigate vitamin B12 deficiency - used to called pernicious anaemia and many women have it undiagnosed. I had no idea, but 1 in 20 of women over 60 have it (as well as younger women. It has to be treated with injections, not diet.

I felt all year that I was losing cognitive function- it was really scary and I felt I could not talk to anyone about it. Unable to properly cope with work and life, but trying and trying. Eventually I went to the GP about something else, and mentioned this briefly at the end. She ordered full blood tests and we discovered I was severely deficient in vitamin B12. After 2 weeks of treatment I felt so much better and after a month am now on a regular 3 month cycle of injections.
This may not be the whole cause of how you feel but it is a good idea to get it checked out as it does not get better by itself. I thought I would have to stop working and now I am cracking on.
Best of luck!

I’m voting this is menopause related OP. How old are you? Honestly you are describing me before I went on HRT.

See your doctor to get a Rx to help you sleep. Everything is easier if you’ve had some sleep.

Secondly, and this is vital, look for a new job. Make this a priority.

As for Christmas, your family will understand, so please try and stop getting worked up about this.