Will I ruin everything for everyone?

[ReallyStrugglingToday]

I'm not going to go into details (unless someone asks really nicely! 😉) But work this year has been consistently horrific and very stressful for a number of reasons and has just escalated as the months have gone by.

I'm completely burnt out from it. I've barely left the house other than to go to work for the last three months because of it. I've become a shell of my former self.

We broke up for christmas on Friday and i have done no Christmas shopping. I didn't have the time or the mental or emotional headspace to start shopping earlier. I just kept thinking, if I can get through this week, then next week... except that next week just brought more of the same and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse at work, it did.

To put it into context, I have two adult children - 19 and mid 20s. The youngest has now gone away for Christmas and the eldest will be coming to me (and my partner) on Christmas day.

On Saturday, I went out for the day with my children to do some Christmas shopping and spend a bit of time together before the youngest left. I normally wouldn't have done so the Saturday before Christmas when I really needed to just decompress but decided to adopt a positive mental attitude and get on with it to spend time with my children.

We had a nice day together but I was completely unable to do any shopping or anything really. I can't explain it. I was completely overwhelmed by everything. The shops, the people, the sensory overload. I'm ashamed to say I kept crying. Not that they saw, not blubbing or weeping or sobbing but just randomly found myself with tears rolling down my face which I wiped away and hid from them. I just felt anxious, stressed, disoriented, confused and just desperate to get home, which isn't really like me at all.

I couldn't think, couldn't see things in shops properly - everything was just stuff everywhere, even deciding where to go for lunch was beyond me (which was fine, they chose). I can't even make a decision about what I want for lunch!

We had a nice day together, saw the youngest off on the train and went our separate ways.

I took Sunday to rest hoping that yesterday would be better. But it wasn't. I spent hours trying to tidy the house and do laundry (so that I could go shopping today) and getting nowhere.

My partner will do all the food shopping (he always does) and has already got most of it. But I have bought no presents for him, my children or his (adult) children. I just feel like a complete failure and feeling like I'm going to let everyone down is making it all worse.

I'm posting because I didn't sleep again last night. I kept waking up having palpitations, waking up in tears (as i have done for weeks/months now), and I seem.to have a mental block. I can't even think about Christmas shopping now because I can't work out where to go, or what to buy or what time I need to leave or even whether I need a shower before I go. I tried looking online but couldn't work out where to start.

My son has only asked for one thing and I can't even find that.

Every time I start to think about Christmas, my heart races, I get pains in my chest, my breathing is shallow and painful and my brain is foggy. I haven't had a panic attack but I used to get them when I was younger and so recognise the signs.

I know my children and partner will understand but will they still be disappointed? I don't know if his children will understand. They won't make a fuss, I know that but I didn't attend my birthday night out this year because of all of work stress and they (my partner, his children and my children) went without me (no problem, I insisted). My partner and my children understood but his thought it was odd. It just never leaves me. I feel anxious and overwhelmed constantly by everything.

It's not an issue of resilience. I've always been very resilient and my colleagues and I have found reserves of resilience we never knew we were capable of this year.

I've just got nothing left and this year has broken me.

YABU - you will let everyone down and be the worst sort of person if you don't find a way to do this today.

YANBU - you need to take care of yourself, reduce the pressure and postpone presents.

Obviously, I'll be looking for a new job in the New Year. (If I get time to do so).

Show your partner and kids this thread. Get signed off work and rest.

Amazon Prime and see the GP/job ads in the New Year.
Sorry OP, but you can’t get your loved ones nothing for Christmas.

And just to add, you will feel so much better when you get started.

I think you should see your GP as well.
Get signed off with stress, as you clearly have it, before you hit the brick wall at 100mph. Voucher and chocolates and/or wine sounds perfect to me. Get plenty of rest too.💐

Forget Christmas, everyone is an adult, it's not like you're disappointing children. Far more importantly, are you in a position to leave this job without another one lined up? I think you might need to, before you end up in a mental or physical breakdown. It sounds like you don't and won't have the headspace to find a new job while you stay there. If it is in anyway an option, leave that toxic job now before it breaks you.

I had a breakdown a number of years ago that’s how I was but for months. I now suffer from diagnosed ptsd depression anxiety and the worst agoraphobia because I was left without help for far too long, four year wait for therapy.

It’s awful and the most important thing is you and your health. IF you can manage it, you might not be able to go to a local shop with cash machine withdraw your full £250 and divide between number of people you need to give to. Then go in shop and buy one pack of Christmas cards. Each person gets a card with money. If you see anything else you can buy at the same time do that too. I couldn’t even go in my local shop when I had a breakdown I’d leave in tears without even buying the food I needed as I couldn’t cope with light sound queue.

and to anyone with the nasty comments unless you have had this you have no idea how it feels. I’m bad again at the moment and a walk down the road is too much for me.

Thank you again for the helpful comments, support and suggestions.

I recogise the feeling of waiting for the formerly lovely school to return but it won't. It's so sad. I love teaching. I actually love it and I'm good at it. My colleagues are great and there are many reasons why the staff are so dedicated to the school.

I'd love to talk about how great the staff are and how wonderful (most of!) the families are and what's gone wrong but the school would be completely recognisable to anyone on here who works there or whose children attend! So I can't.

I spoke to my partner again last night. I didn't tell him the full extent of how I feel but he's now really worried and wants me to phone the GP this morning too. So I will.

I just want out of there now.

If all else fails Op, Amazon vouchers! Will take 5 minutes to organise and then done. You could ask to DH to help purchase them x

You can be good at teaching again if that is what you want but first it sounds like you need to stop and take time for yourself. It is too easy having been at a school for a long time to think nowhere else will compare but that teamwork and shared purpose is at the heart of many schools. You will be able to find that purpose again. First though, time for yourself. A good teacher needs endless energy and resilience and it sounds like yours has been depleted through some toxic culture. Prioritise you. X

Absolutely this! You need to see your GP - to get signed off and be prescribed with an appropriate temporary prescription. Please send your children a message about how low you are feeling. Believe me, they need to know now, not later.

You need help now, it is time to stop trying to power through it. It has gone on too long, you are not a machine, you are a human. You need a rest and then a re-think.
Sieze the day, the rest of your life needs you to do this.

Please take action, and let your loved ones know, so they can support you.
Ignore the ‘what if’s’ swirling through brain, guilt-tripping you in to not seeking help, honesty is your saviour here.
I really feel for you OP, rooting for your positive tomorrow, not you staying in this unhappy present.

Edit: I have Just caught up with all the pages in your thread OP - so glad to hear that you are going to take action.

You need to listen to your body, you can't go on like this. I would speak to doctor asap. Amazon or any gift card will be totally fine. You could grab some chocolates at the supermarket today

OP, I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this - I can totally relate.

Firstly - adult children love money in a card, so keep it simple.

Secondly - definitely take time to rest - your family probably miss you and want to spend quality time with you. Which is exhausting when you’re burnt out. Last Christmas I was the most stressed I’ve ever been, due to work. I was a zombie with my kids, I had zero headspace for anything. Luckily I had the choice to take redundancy and I quickly found a new job in a much better company.

I say luckily - because it was the best thing to happen to me, only I absolutely couldn’t see it at the time. I thought it was my failing and I never would have left otherwise.

You've given enough - anywhere you work after this will feel like a holiday. But while you find a new job, definitely assess if you should be working still, or if you should be on stress leave.

Great to hear you are going to gp too. Make sure you mention the change in functioning - may be the stress/depression but there are also lots of physical and hormonal potential causes

This sounds like a full blown breakdown op, are you getting any medical help?

Op ask for your bloods to be done, you may be low in iron/ B12 plus others,
You definitely need time off work, you can self sert for 7 days but then get gp to sign you off with ' stress from work' this will give you time to rest, time to think op, take some much needed 'me' time
Big hugs op, 💐

OP, I’ve RTFT and I’m glad you’re going to contact your GP. And just give everyone cash or an Amazon voucher for sure. I agree that you sound very burned out from work stress currently, and need a break. I think it would be good to be signed off work for a bit after the holidays.

I find it really sad that certain professions in this country are becoming basically undoable due to stress (I appreciate you’ve said your specific job has also had extra issues making it difficult). My sister is a teacher, currently on mat leave, and the change in her being away from work for a bit is incredible. Feel like I have my old sister back for a bit.

Before you confirmed you were a teacher, as guessed by many in this thread, I was actually thinking you might be a GP (which is my job) or another sort of doctor; this has been the worst autumn/winter I can ever remember work-wise and I am not too far away from how you’re feeling myself. I usually do my Christmas shopping around Black Friday but this year it’s all been done in the past couple of days when I had enough time away from work to think as I am now on annual leave for a week.

It had to be teacher or doctor or social worker! Those are consistently the professions I see most coming in with this sort of relentless work stress related burnout and sometimes depression caused by it. And it breaks my heart to hear people beat themselves up for not being more “resilient”. You can only be resilient up to a certain point of stress unfortunately.

And it’s very difficult when there is an issue with stress across the whole of the sector as opposed to your individual job. It makes it very challenging to move jobs to try to address the issue as it’s often basically the same shit in a slightly different package. At least that’s what I’ve found. Like you, I feel I am in the right career in terms of what I’m good at and enjoying what I do in principle and theory. But every GP job is impossible in its own way. And it’s all I have ever done with no obvious way into an alternative career.

Anyway, you don’t need to make those decisions or think that far ahead now. Don’t even think about work. Just look after yourself, get enough rest, eat nutritious food etc. And speak to your GP about getting signed off for a bit after Christmas so you have some extended time to recover from the stress which has made you ill. I agree with others, a blood test if not done for a while, talking therapy, antidepressants plus or minus HRT depending on your age and medical history etc. may also be helpful. I hope you have a peaceful and restful Christmas.

Girl! Do it. Union and GP are your best friends. It’s doable. You will get your mojo back, I promise. You’re going have a wonderful 2026 . Xxxx

Just wanted to add my solidarity, OP.

I have just recently handed in my notice (SLT) after a similar burn out. It was beyond burn out, actually. I’ve had a terrible episode of burn out before (about 10 years ago) that included all the ‘symptoms’ you describe so well - a complete inability to make any sort of decision, a feeling of utter overload and overwhelm. It was awful. I was ‘lucky’ in that I was nearing the end of a contract when it happened, so was able to take 3-months off before starting work again.

This time around it was more physical - high blood pressure, anaemia, chronic neck and jaw pain, digestive issues (and the delights of perimenopause to boot!). I felt like I was falling apart at the seams quite literally this term, and suddenly realised I really, really cannot go on like this.

I also have a supportive, practically helpful husband who still doesnt quite ‘get it’. I feel quite traumatised by what I’ve dealt with at work this year (too much to go into and outing, probably) and it’s hard to articulate the extent of it.

Sick leave wasn’t going to solve the endemic issues at my workplace, which is why I resigned - but in your case, I’d take as long as you can off sick to let your brain properly rest so you can start to make some decisions about your future. You can’t do that in your current state. Bear in mind, you may need longer than you think to recuperate. In my previous burnout phase, I spent at least a month staring into space a lot and sleeping before I slowly, slowly started feeling myself again. I wasn’t capable of making decisions about anything significant for about 3 months.

Wishing you rest and peace xx

Thanks to those who have shared stories.

I've booked a GP appointment for early next week. The first one available.

Thank you.

Well done! Now put it all to one side and do Xmas any old way that suits . I’m not sure (mumsnet novice) if you can DM me but do feel free to after Xmas and I’ll share how to escape with the rest of your life in tact. It will not mean the end of teaching if you want to continue. Let us know if you need some more cheer leading from here . I’ll leave you in peace but just wanted you to know how much your story resonates. Most importantly, know that NOTHING is in anyway your fault!x

Exactly!

SevenYellowHammers

Thank you. I may do this. Once I've got through the next few days!

It's daft, but I feel very slightly better just having started this thread, telling my partner and making the appointment. I was just too stuck and overwhelmed before to realise I needed to do it ❤️

It might be worth getting a blood test. When my b12 was dangerously low, my cognitive functioning was awful, couldn't string a sentence together and was very tearful, which is not like me at all.

A few people have suggested B12. Does anyone know if there is a hereditary factor?

My grandma had pernicious anemia.

I will mention it though, thanks.

I have read all your posts OP but not the posters, so sorry if I’m repeating what others have said.

How old are you and could this be menopause? I saw you said you will book a GP appointment and it’s worth considering. Equally could be another physical health problem so bloods would be a good idea.

Hopefully you have some vouchers by now but if not, go and buy a few gift bags and buy chocolates or biscuits, booze, socks and gift vouchers. You can get it all in one supermarket and get everyone the same thing.

However, as an adult (41) I am never offended if no one gets me a gift and if anyone gave me the heads up they were struggling I would only have sympathy and no hard feelings so if it takes away any anxiety you could let them know ahead of time that you have struggled this year and got them vouchers instead of the usual gift.