Will I ruin everything for everyone?

[ReallyStrugglingToday]

I'm not going to go into details (unless someone asks really nicely! 😉) But work this year has been consistently horrific and very stressful for a number of reasons and has just escalated as the months have gone by.

I'm completely burnt out from it. I've barely left the house other than to go to work for the last three months because of it. I've become a shell of my former self.

We broke up for christmas on Friday and i have done no Christmas shopping. I didn't have the time or the mental or emotional headspace to start shopping earlier. I just kept thinking, if I can get through this week, then next week... except that next week just brought more of the same and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse at work, it did.

To put it into context, I have two adult children - 19 and mid 20s. The youngest has now gone away for Christmas and the eldest will be coming to me (and my partner) on Christmas day.

On Saturday, I went out for the day with my children to do some Christmas shopping and spend a bit of time together before the youngest left. I normally wouldn't have done so the Saturday before Christmas when I really needed to just decompress but decided to adopt a positive mental attitude and get on with it to spend time with my children.

We had a nice day together but I was completely unable to do any shopping or anything really. I can't explain it. I was completely overwhelmed by everything. The shops, the people, the sensory overload. I'm ashamed to say I kept crying. Not that they saw, not blubbing or weeping or sobbing but just randomly found myself with tears rolling down my face which I wiped away and hid from them. I just felt anxious, stressed, disoriented, confused and just desperate to get home, which isn't really like me at all.

I couldn't think, couldn't see things in shops properly - everything was just stuff everywhere, even deciding where to go for lunch was beyond me (which was fine, they chose). I can't even make a decision about what I want for lunch!

We had a nice day together, saw the youngest off on the train and went our separate ways.

I took Sunday to rest hoping that yesterday would be better. But it wasn't. I spent hours trying to tidy the house and do laundry (so that I could go shopping today) and getting nowhere.

My partner will do all the food shopping (he always does) and has already got most of it. But I have bought no presents for him, my children or his (adult) children. I just feel like a complete failure and feeling like I'm going to let everyone down is making it all worse.

I'm posting because I didn't sleep again last night. I kept waking up having palpitations, waking up in tears (as i have done for weeks/months now), and I seem.to have a mental block. I can't even think about Christmas shopping now because I can't work out where to go, or what to buy or what time I need to leave or even whether I need a shower before I go. I tried looking online but couldn't work out where to start.

My son has only asked for one thing and I can't even find that.

Every time I start to think about Christmas, my heart races, I get pains in my chest, my breathing is shallow and painful and my brain is foggy. I haven't had a panic attack but I used to get them when I was younger and so recognise the signs.

I know my children and partner will understand but will they still be disappointed? I don't know if his children will understand. They won't make a fuss, I know that but I didn't attend my birthday night out this year because of all of work stress and they (my partner, his children and my children) went without me (no problem, I insisted). My partner and my children understood but his thought it was odd. It just never leaves me. I feel anxious and overwhelmed constantly by everything.

It's not an issue of resilience. I've always been very resilient and my colleagues and I have found reserves of resilience we never knew we were capable of this year.

I've just got nothing left and this year has broken me.

YABU - you will let everyone down and be the worst sort of person if you don't find a way to do this today.

YANBU - you need to take care of yourself, reduce the pressure and postpone presents.

Obviously, I'll be looking for a new job in the New Year. (If I get time to do so).

Tbf if they all have bank accounts I'd just send them the money on your banking app and let them know, job done
Amazon vouchers you can get emailed to them if you're worried about delivery timings

I only read the first post but @ReallyStrugglingToday you are ill and you desperately need to take some time off work- can you? I’m speaking from experience- this happened to me and I ended up being called into my managers because they were concerned about me, and I just started to cry and I couldn’t stop. Had to walk out in tears past all the students and my colleagues. That indecision, sensory overwhelm, the tearfulness, are all signs that you’re about to break, and repairing a break is much harder than pulling back before that point (I didn’t go back in a classroom for five years, I wasn’t able to, and I still don’t have the resilience I once had).

please please get yourself signed off, for a good long period.

You’ve never suffered burnout clearly. Effectively the decision making part of the is brain -the prefrontal cortex is likely to have shut down. Would you tell a paralysed person to just get over it and walk? That is effectively what you’re doing

Tell your dh exactly how you feel and get him to take over. That's what you do for our spouse. It's the " better or worse" part!

I think if you took this to a GP they’d tell you were stressed perhaps suffering from a form of depression (that’s a scary word sometimes but try to not to think of it as scary - it’s linked to this feeling of helplessness around work)

and I would take this to a GP - call them and schedule an appt and tell them everything - and I would hope that an understanding GP will say “you know what @ReallyStrugglingToday im going to give you a sick note, and you need to take some off and do what you need to do”

I had a period of time like this a long long time ago - it stemmed from being relentlessly bullied at work by two older women and it felt like my whole life was spinning - everything just made me cry.

I went to the GP, he signed me off for a short time - and did a prescription for my other non related reg meds - I was sat in the pharmacy, saw a job advert applied and Got the job. I did go back to my horrid job for a couple of months whilst waiting for the interview, the decision, reference check etc.

I started my new job mid December and met my long term partner over the Christmas which only happened because of my new shift pattern

the decision to see my GP changed my life.

don’t suffer with the stress and pressure of a job that makes you feel this way

I too was wondering if you're a teacher. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I've been there myself. It is awful.
Firstly, I always find that cold hard cash goes down a treat as a present. Just transfer some over to their accounts.
Secondly, get yourself signed off work sick to ease the pressure for now.
Thirdly get to the doctors for tests.
And finally, remember how precious and irreplaceable you are to your family. Never let a job affect your health. There are many other jobs but your kids only have one mum and they'd not want to see you suffering like this I'm sure.
Hopefully in 2026 you'll be feeling much better.

You don’t even need to have the delivered ones you can just order gift cards online and print them out.

I haven’t read all the responses but you are most likely suffering burnout. The decision part of your brain has effectively stopped working. There’s degrees of this but you might feel unable to make any decisions. You are ill. You need to speak to your doctor asap and get signed off -. They will initially do this for at least 1 month. You might well need longer. Explain to your family that your illness has left you unable to make decisions so they will need to help you fo this. No one will be disappointed with your lack of presents.the only thing that’s important now is getting well. Don’t even think about trying to make even a simple decision - you might not even know if you want tea or coffee, it’s fine you will get better

Burnout is nothing to do with mental strength or resilience - you are so overwhelmed your body has hit fight or flight it has gone into survival mode to keep you alive. It is trying to protect you. Tell your partner and children you are ill, get medical support and rest rest rest. Find some breathing and visualisation exercises to keep you going. Listen to your body, it’s telling you to reboot to go back to basic functions. Build slowly. If you’re a certain age speak to dr about HRT.

this is as valid illness as if you’d been hit by a car. Be kind to yourself and seek help. You will recover you just need time and rest

It definitely sounds like you need to go to the GP and take some time off work for stress before you break.

You are stressed out to your limit, and you need rest.
Can you get Amazon vouchers for everyone? It doesn't involve any shopping. Get them delivered to you, put them in a nice envelope, and job done.

Could this be the menopause doing a number on your mental health OP? On top of the job stress?

Virgin experience days have a sale. My colleague printed off his family's Xmas presents at lunchtime!

Sorry, didn't read the whole thread, and didn't realize that someone else has already suggested vouchers.

Hopefully you have already headed elsewhere online to start shopping. You gave my deepest sympathy. I am sitting staring at my phone with a cup of tea notebook and pen by my side, trying to decompress after spending two hours with my kids doing last minute shopping for fresh food and presents I hadn’t realised we needed. It’s all a bit much on top of some work shit and unexpected family stuff in the last ten days.
I suggest you make a list. Of everything you need to do before now and Christmas Day. I mean everything - setting table, putting a wash on. It will help you feel in control.

Vouchers (cinema, Amazon, theatre) and local shop booze chocolates etc should cover everyone. Get something extra for your DH, weekend away or something because he sounds a rock.
Then make a list for new year from the suggestions above. I already have the appointment for a B12 check because routine checking seems to have gone off the radar (treatment costly for surgeries). Making time for a regular exercise class. Looking for new job. Best of luck.

Call your surgery and ask for a doctors appointment...really important. Look after yourself x

That's very insulting. I've been there, I had the most horrendous year in 2016. I could hardly focus, but I still managed to get stuff done because I forced myself - admittedly everybody is different and we all have a breaking point, but I was not suggesting in any way that the OP should just get over it. All I said was that the OP could get Amazon cards and that this would take a couple of minutes.
How dare you judge me? I would never say that a paralysed person should just get over it and I wasn't saying that to the OP, either.

I don’t suppose you are a teacher are you?

Could Eurostar tickets for a long weekend to Paris be your answer?
Pay for the tickets now, AirBnB won't need to be paid till later on next year.

I worked for a company in which my boss committed fraud, we nearly went broke when she was sacked on the spot, we were all treated like possible criminals whilst simultaneously expected to somehow “keep the ship afloat”. I have never worked so hard nor felt so stressed - I was completely burned out. So I do understand.

Here is what I found:

1.you can get sympathy but no one else really gets what you’re going through or (as dh frequently put it) “why would you do this to yourself when you didn’t cause the problem and you’re not paid enough to fix it.” The truth was I didn’t want to see over 600 people lose their jobs. But I could never make dh see that if me and my team didn’t prop the business up with Herculean amounts of hard work, at literally any moment it could all come crashing down.

2.you can only expect your family to put up with a certain amount of your absence, stress and unhappiness. You are asking them to watch you injure your health; it’s a hard thing to ask of them. You have to put a cap on it somehow - by a certain date; or ensure you take space to stop and rest; or commit to insisting at work that things must change by (date) or you’ll be quitting

In my situation I told dh that once the company was sold and back on its feet, id leave. And I did. I was absolutely exhausted but I am still glad I did help to save those jobs and fend off the administrators.

You poor love.
It's sometimes really hard for people who have never been in such a state, to know what it's like. If you fear they will be hurt about not receiving presents, sort them out cash or vouchers - now - and write cards to go with them. Then it's done. Ask your partner to help if that feels too much.
Then let your partner shop and help with cooking as much as you can. Tell yourself that your main job over Christmas is to relax as much as possible, cry when you need to, feel grateful whenever you can - but not for your bloody job which sounds hideous. Aarrgh!

The best gift you could get your family this year is a plan to escape the stress of work - either solve it at source, or find a new job. Unless you are saving lives, being this stressed is not sensible.

What has your son asked for @ReallyStrugglingToday ? Maybe we can help locate it?

This sounds like chronic stress to me leading to other mental and physical health issues. The inability to make decisions is a classic sign. Don't let work put you in an early grave. Leave the job - or at least take a few weeks sickness absence so you can think more clearly and come up with a plan. Your family want you healthy for Christmas more than anything else, believe you me!

I think the way you are feeling is making this seem much worse than it is.

Maybe your partner can pick some bits up when he next shops?

Socks/toiletries/food/drink items that they wouldn't buy themselves?

Just so that there's something to open tomorrow?

But in all honesty a meal together would be much more important to me.

Buy gift vouchers and tell all of these ADULTS in your life what you’re going through. You are completely burnt out. Their turn to step up this year. I really hope you’re not cooking!