I'm not going to go into details (unless someone asks really nicely! 😉) But work this year has been consistently horrific and very stressful for a number of reasons and has just escalated as the months have gone by.
I'm completely burnt out from it. I've barely left the house other than to go to work for the last three months because of it. I've become a shell of my former self.
We broke up for christmas on Friday and i have done no Christmas shopping. I didn't have the time or the mental or emotional headspace to start shopping earlier. I just kept thinking, if I can get through this week, then next week... except that next week just brought more of the same and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse at work, it did.
To put it into context, I have two adult children - 19 and mid 20s. The youngest has now gone away for Christmas and the eldest will be coming to me (and my partner) on Christmas day.
On Saturday, I went out for the day with my children to do some Christmas shopping and spend a bit of time together before the youngest left. I normally wouldn't have done so the Saturday before Christmas when I really needed to just decompress but decided to adopt a positive mental attitude and get on with it to spend time with my children.
We had a nice day together but I was completely unable to do any shopping or anything really. I can't explain it. I was completely overwhelmed by everything. The shops, the people, the sensory overload. I'm ashamed to say I kept crying. Not that they saw, not blubbing or weeping or sobbing but just randomly found myself with tears rolling down my face which I wiped away and hid from them. I just felt anxious, stressed, disoriented, confused and just desperate to get home, which isn't really like me at all.
I couldn't think, couldn't see things in shops properly - everything was just stuff everywhere, even deciding where to go for lunch was beyond me (which was fine, they chose). I can't even make a decision about what I want for lunch!
We had a nice day together, saw the youngest off on the train and went our separate ways.
I took Sunday to rest hoping that yesterday would be better. But it wasn't. I spent hours trying to tidy the house and do laundry (so that I could go shopping today) and getting nowhere.
My partner will do all the food shopping (he always does) and has already got most of it. But I have bought no presents for him, my children or his (adult) children. I just feel like a complete failure and feeling like I'm going to let everyone down is making it all worse.
I'm posting because I didn't sleep again last night. I kept waking up having palpitations, waking up in tears (as i have done for weeks/months now), and I seem.to have a mental block. I can't even think about Christmas shopping now because I can't work out where to go, or what to buy or what time I need to leave or even whether I need a shower before I go. I tried looking online but couldn't work out where to start.
My son has only asked for one thing and I can't even find that.
Every time I start to think about Christmas, my heart races, I get pains in my chest, my breathing is shallow and painful and my brain is foggy. I haven't had a panic attack but I used to get them when I was younger and so recognise the signs.
I know my children and partner will understand but will they still be disappointed? I don't know if his children will understand. They won't make a fuss, I know that but I didn't attend my birthday night out this year because of all of work stress and they (my partner, his children and my children) went without me (no problem, I insisted). My partner and my children understood but his thought it was odd. It just never leaves me. I feel anxious and overwhelmed constantly by everything.
It's not an issue of resilience. I've always been very resilient and my colleagues and I have found reserves of resilience we never knew we were capable of this year.
I've just got nothing left and this year has broken me.
YABU - you will let everyone down and be the worst sort of person if you don't find a way to do this today.
YANBU - you need to take care of yourself, reduce the pressure and postpone presents.
Obviously, I'll be looking for a new job in the New Year. (If I get time to do so).