Will I ruin everything for everyone?

[ReallyStrugglingToday]

I'm not going to go into details (unless someone asks really nicely! 😉) But work this year has been consistently horrific and very stressful for a number of reasons and has just escalated as the months have gone by.

I'm completely burnt out from it. I've barely left the house other than to go to work for the last three months because of it. I've become a shell of my former self.

We broke up for christmas on Friday and i have done no Christmas shopping. I didn't have the time or the mental or emotional headspace to start shopping earlier. I just kept thinking, if I can get through this week, then next week... except that next week just brought more of the same and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse at work, it did.

To put it into context, I have two adult children - 19 and mid 20s. The youngest has now gone away for Christmas and the eldest will be coming to me (and my partner) on Christmas day.

On Saturday, I went out for the day with my children to do some Christmas shopping and spend a bit of time together before the youngest left. I normally wouldn't have done so the Saturday before Christmas when I really needed to just decompress but decided to adopt a positive mental attitude and get on with it to spend time with my children.

We had a nice day together but I was completely unable to do any shopping or anything really. I can't explain it. I was completely overwhelmed by everything. The shops, the people, the sensory overload. I'm ashamed to say I kept crying. Not that they saw, not blubbing or weeping or sobbing but just randomly found myself with tears rolling down my face which I wiped away and hid from them. I just felt anxious, stressed, disoriented, confused and just desperate to get home, which isn't really like me at all.

I couldn't think, couldn't see things in shops properly - everything was just stuff everywhere, even deciding where to go for lunch was beyond me (which was fine, they chose). I can't even make a decision about what I want for lunch!

We had a nice day together, saw the youngest off on the train and went our separate ways.

I took Sunday to rest hoping that yesterday would be better. But it wasn't. I spent hours trying to tidy the house and do laundry (so that I could go shopping today) and getting nowhere.

My partner will do all the food shopping (he always does) and has already got most of it. But I have bought no presents for him, my children or his (adult) children. I just feel like a complete failure and feeling like I'm going to let everyone down is making it all worse.

I'm posting because I didn't sleep again last night. I kept waking up having palpitations, waking up in tears (as i have done for weeks/months now), and I seem.to have a mental block. I can't even think about Christmas shopping now because I can't work out where to go, or what to buy or what time I need to leave or even whether I need a shower before I go. I tried looking online but couldn't work out where to start.

My son has only asked for one thing and I can't even find that.

Every time I start to think about Christmas, my heart races, I get pains in my chest, my breathing is shallow and painful and my brain is foggy. I haven't had a panic attack but I used to get them when I was younger and so recognise the signs.

I know my children and partner will understand but will they still be disappointed? I don't know if his children will understand. They won't make a fuss, I know that but I didn't attend my birthday night out this year because of all of work stress and they (my partner, his children and my children) went without me (no problem, I insisted). My partner and my children understood but his thought it was odd. It just never leaves me. I feel anxious and overwhelmed constantly by everything.

It's not an issue of resilience. I've always been very resilient and my colleagues and I have found reserves of resilience we never knew we were capable of this year.

I've just got nothing left and this year has broken me.

YABU - you will let everyone down and be the worst sort of person if you don't find a way to do this today.

YANBU - you need to take care of yourself, reduce the pressure and postpone presents.

Obviously, I'll be looking for a new job in the New Year. (If I get time to do so).

I hope you're ok OP. I thought your thread was going to be asking about taking some time off work. The answer to which should be - absolutely yes, please put your health first.

My sister was exactly the same and ended up going off sick with burn out. Do you work in education by any chance? She is now in a different career and so much happier. If you can I would be honest with your loved ones about how you are feeling. It's not a personal failing, you are unwell and need to put your health first. They can have money/vouchers for Christmas, it's not the end of the world and they need to help you out on the day so you can have as simple a day as possible. Then seriously think about some time off and speak to the Doctor. Wishing you all the best

Not exactly the same situation, but I have ADHD and I experience a lot of this most of the time. But I want you to know that I understand the absolute wretchedness of how you're feeling, and that it's ok to protect what's left of your mental health.

The few presents I have bought, I ordered from Amazon using the recipients' wish lists. Get DC and DH to send you their wish lists, and then you can literally just click on it to order. For many things they can also wrap up for a charge, so you don't have to do that either.

I can't cope with going shopping in town at the best of times, Christmas is even worse. It's too overwhelming and my brain sort of shuts down. Anything I'm asked is met with "I don't know". And then there is no more thinking, just panic.

If it comes to it, get DH to sort out DC gifts. But if you can't manage any of that, then I'm sure they won't mind. I doubt anyone who loves you would want you to make yourself feel worse just for the sake of Christmas. There will be plenty more to come where you will be feeling like yourself.

If you can, call your GP to see if they can prescribe you something to lift your mood until after Christmas. And make sure you rest. I hope you can find some peace.

Completely understandable! Put your favourite film or music on, get yourself a nice cup of tea and a biscuit or mince pie and do some internet shopping - simple vouchers for a shop or spa or tickets to a show or music event. Amazon will likely still deliver tomorrow if you want a few small gifts but it isn't needed

This sounds like burnout, I was like this 3 years ago, i couldn't make the simplest decisions, even with a shopping list in a supermarket, I couldn't do anything.

My GP signed me off for 3 months, I was horrified at first, but quite honestly, I needed it. Her rationale was that if she gave me 2 weeks or a month, then I'd feel the pressure to return and the workload would still be there, but 3 months, they'd need to sort out something alternative at work.

Do you have any employee assistance programme? If so, ring them, get some counselling and support.

Agree with PP's, and Amazon voucher is great, I'm 54 and also still love cash in a card.

If you know everyone’s email addresses, you can get an e voucher sent to them. Then there is no panic about them not arriving on time. Unless you are going to get them from your local supermarket,

I'd love an Amazon giftcard.

OP you sound worn out and depressed. Try and rest as much as you can over the Christmas period and maybe rethink your job as well - it's really not worth it. Maybe find something that won't get you into this state.

Oh my lovely, you do sound really ill and as others have said in burn out. My advice-

1. give cash or gift cards for Christmas
2. tell your family what’s happening, by message if that helps.
3. after Christmas visit your gp and get signed off for a least 4 weeks to start.
4. at the end of each day think about one thing you enjoyed/ felt something. Try and do more of that the next day.
5. rest, rest and rest

This sounds like you’re close to burnout. You need to stop and rest before you completely shut down. To everyone saying pull yourself together, it’s not psychological anymore. The symptoms are you body and nervous system communicating that something needs to change.

Vouchers and GP. You need to get signed off.

I am in a very similar position and can absolutely relate (even the birthday thing, I spent my 50th in bed whilst everyone else went to the restaurant!).

My dc are 17 and 20 and this year they will be getting a bank transfer on Christmas morning, they are happy with the money and that's all I can offer right now, I am in complete burnout and have been spinning too many plates in the air for far too long and it has taken it's toll.

My 'Christmas promise' to myself and everyone this year is to spend next year getting better and hope that next Christmas will be better.

Write off this Christmas op, be kind to yourself, take the rest you need and next year will be better. Good luck.

Are you a teacher darling? If so , let me know and I’ll help . Been there . And even if you’re not, I totally get it from your description. Go off sick, look at your options re pensions/ downsizing whatever it takes. Talk to your GP . Mine was wonderful, explained the cortisol overdose I was experiencing, signed me off with no quibble. That’s your first step . God bless you x

You need to tell your partner what you've said here OP. People who love you will understand and support you, but they can't help you with things they don't know about. Until you disclose where you're at, you're stuck there on your own and people will have the same expectations of you as usual. If he's a good partner, decent and supportive, you'll feel such a weight off when you share this with him.

Doesn't to me. I'm in my early 30s and currently extremely stressed, it sounds like stress to me.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. You have had a lot of good advice already but I couldn't not reply.

Please be kind to yourself.

Please explain to your partner and children how you feel (maybe show them your OP if it's difficult to say).

I can honestly say, if my mum was feeling the way you are, I would not be in the least bit bothered if she hadn't bought presents etc and just wanted a peaceful time. I absolutely wouldn't want her pushing herself and I am sure your children will feel the same.

Definitely this, Ive been there, diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Medication (and a new job!) will help you find your feet again.
Amazon gift cards and ask your DH to add some nice wine or chocolate to the shop so they have something to open.

OP, take every single bit of pressure off yourself. There’s nothing you need to do. Rest. (Doctor’s orders). Explain to your loved ones that you had a tough year and need to recover. They will
understand.

Sending lots of love and wishing you a peaceful restful Christmas. I’m thinking jammy & duvet days for you. Let yourself be supported by your partner. How does this sound?

I understand you're overwhelmed, if your husband hasn't been to a supermarket yet and is still planning on going, ask him to buy boxes of chocolates and gift cards that you can give to your children. Whenever I order from next they deliver very fast, I'm sure you could go on next online on your phone now and just order a nice shirt or something for your husband that could be delivered tommorrow.
I hope you get the help you need going into 2026

Your only priority is yourself. You are in the grip of a mental illness and need an urgent GP appointment. I have experienced this and it took a very long time to recover.

Explain to your partner and ask him to explain to the others.
Go to bed and stay there until you can see a GP.

Your family will understand. No event, Christmas or not, is worth even more pressure on your health. You need time to heal. Xxx

Honestly try not to stress about gifts. Do the amazon vouchers if you think you will feel better after doing it. I would hate to think a family member felt this ill and worried about getting me a gift.
I highly recommend seeing the gp asap as my dh had a lot of stress with neighbours and ended up where he couldn't even decide whether or not he wanted a drink. I went with him to the gp who signed him off work, gave him antidepressions and said he was having a nervous breakdown (back in the day when it was still called that). She also suggested we move as we knew what was causing his issues luckily we were able to.
I hope you get the help you so clearly need 💐

It sounds like you’re stuck in “fight or flight” OP- and you were battling the “flight” impulse when you were out shopping that day- which is why you were overwhelmed/ couldn’t focus etc.

The lack of ability to choose gifts etc. is a sort of mental “flight”

You sound exhausted, burnt out, and highly anxious- and I get it. I’ve been under huge amounts of stress too this year, and have felt some anxiety symptoms etc creeping in- I’m okay with Christmas but fear that I might collapse once the “doing” of Christmas is over.

After Christmas can you afford to get away for a few days? Ask your DH to book an Airbnb somewhere quiet, by the beach, and just go and rest completely. Low stimulation, beach walks, or just sit and look out of the window. Breathe. Have long baths. Cry if you need to. Ask DH to make all decisions about meals etc- so that all mental load is removed.

And book a GP appointment.

Your children are old enough to remember all the big Christmas effort you put in over previous years. Just tell them you're not on form and vouchers or subscription gifts are OK. There's subscription gifts for all sorts, food, drink, beauty, gardening, magazines.

Tell your husband you're not ok. If money allows send him off to food shop for all the ready made stuff and bung it in the oven. Its just one meal and it doesn't need to be turkey either.

This stress is not what Christmas is about. After Christmas you need to reconsider your employment options. I'll be doing the same.

The child who is at home is plenty old enough to help cook food, tidy up, clean the loo or whatever needs doing

You are just overloaded and exhausted Look after yourself now and allow yourself some space Sending thoughts

You poor thing, OP. I just wanted to send a massive hug 💐 and agree with others. GP, get signed off, tell your dh and adult kids they'll need to step up (dh can sort vouchers for them all) and focus on a proper rest over Christmas. As it takes time to get to feel this bad, it takes time to recover. Go easy on yourself and don't try to hide it from your family, it's all extra pressure and will exacerbate your stress. Take care xx

I understand completely about the shops. I used to love shopping. Now I HATE it. The sensory overload, the crowds, the kids underfoot, the queues. I cant hack it. Some good advice upthread about shopping on Amazon or just getting gift vouchers or giving your children the money.They will understand and can spend it as they wish.

❤

Sorry you are feeling this way OP. I'm retired now, but have experienced very similar when working, and seen other colleagues go the same way. Please do see your GP, accept treatment, and have some time off.