Will I ruin everything for everyone?

[ReallyStrugglingToday]

I'm not going to go into details (unless someone asks really nicely! 😉) But work this year has been consistently horrific and very stressful for a number of reasons and has just escalated as the months have gone by.

I'm completely burnt out from it. I've barely left the house other than to go to work for the last three months because of it. I've become a shell of my former self.

We broke up for christmas on Friday and i have done no Christmas shopping. I didn't have the time or the mental or emotional headspace to start shopping earlier. I just kept thinking, if I can get through this week, then next week... except that next week just brought more of the same and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse at work, it did.

To put it into context, I have two adult children - 19 and mid 20s. The youngest has now gone away for Christmas and the eldest will be coming to me (and my partner) on Christmas day.

On Saturday, I went out for the day with my children to do some Christmas shopping and spend a bit of time together before the youngest left. I normally wouldn't have done so the Saturday before Christmas when I really needed to just decompress but decided to adopt a positive mental attitude and get on with it to spend time with my children.

We had a nice day together but I was completely unable to do any shopping or anything really. I can't explain it. I was completely overwhelmed by everything. The shops, the people, the sensory overload. I'm ashamed to say I kept crying. Not that they saw, not blubbing or weeping or sobbing but just randomly found myself with tears rolling down my face which I wiped away and hid from them. I just felt anxious, stressed, disoriented, confused and just desperate to get home, which isn't really like me at all.

I couldn't think, couldn't see things in shops properly - everything was just stuff everywhere, even deciding where to go for lunch was beyond me (which was fine, they chose). I can't even make a decision about what I want for lunch!

We had a nice day together, saw the youngest off on the train and went our separate ways.

I took Sunday to rest hoping that yesterday would be better. But it wasn't. I spent hours trying to tidy the house and do laundry (so that I could go shopping today) and getting nowhere.

My partner will do all the food shopping (he always does) and has already got most of it. But I have bought no presents for him, my children or his (adult) children. I just feel like a complete failure and feeling like I'm going to let everyone down is making it all worse.

I'm posting because I didn't sleep again last night. I kept waking up having palpitations, waking up in tears (as i have done for weeks/months now), and I seem.to have a mental block. I can't even think about Christmas shopping now because I can't work out where to go, or what to buy or what time I need to leave or even whether I need a shower before I go. I tried looking online but couldn't work out where to start.

My son has only asked for one thing and I can't even find that.

Every time I start to think about Christmas, my heart races, I get pains in my chest, my breathing is shallow and painful and my brain is foggy. I haven't had a panic attack but I used to get them when I was younger and so recognise the signs.

I know my children and partner will understand but will they still be disappointed? I don't know if his children will understand. They won't make a fuss, I know that but I didn't attend my birthday night out this year because of all of work stress and they (my partner, his children and my children) went without me (no problem, I insisted). My partner and my children understood but his thought it was odd. It just never leaves me. I feel anxious and overwhelmed constantly by everything.

It's not an issue of resilience. I've always been very resilient and my colleagues and I have found reserves of resilience we never knew we were capable of this year.

I've just got nothing left and this year has broken me.

YABU - you will let everyone down and be the worst sort of person if you don't find a way to do this today.

YANBU - you need to take care of yourself, reduce the pressure and postpone presents.

Obviously, I'll be looking for a new job in the New Year. (If I get time to do so).

It sounds like a burnout OP. My son is recovering from one so I recognise the signs. Can you book holiday from work? If not maybe ask if the GP can sign you off for a bit as it sounds like your nervous system is desperately in need of rest and regulation. Don’t put pressure on yourself, your mental health is important. Try to have a restful Christmas and do what you can to get through the day. I’m sure your family will want you healthy rather than care about all the fancy trimmings.

Please see your GP and get your thyroid checked, This is often overlooked in woman or missed as many assume it's a sign of menopause. It's usually easily treated, but you'll need a blood test to check.

Nobody needs presents OP.
They have a birthday for that.
Just look after yourself.

Sending a big tight hug OP. It sounds like you need one. Also, have you had your thyroid checked? I feel like this when mine is overactive.

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful responses. I've read them all.

My partner broke up from work today and got home earlier. He's already done all the food shopping. I didn't know. I haven't opened the fridge in days.

He's going to give me a couple of small gifts that he chose for his children and I'm going to give them those with an amazon voucher. But I'll going to ask him to sort that. I looked earlier but I couldn't even sift through all the options in there.

I'll explain to my children later.

My partner knows what work has been like this year and is understanding but I don't think he realises how ill it has made me. If I'm honest, I hadn't either until I realised that, even away from work, I'm not really functioning at all. I can't even talk about it at the moment though. Thinking about it makes me feel worse. Even responding on here is causing pains in my chest 😕 He doesn't know how much I'm struggling. I haven't told him.

I am a teacher, yes. I'm going to look for roles outside of teaching after Christmas. I can't think of it right now, though. I've no idea what else I could do.

It's not just usual teaching stresses but I don't want to go into detail. It's not me personally though. It's impacting on everyone. Everyone is in the same boat and several people are looking to leave.

I find it helps to gain some perspective, does your job have people’s lives at risk? If not, it’s not that deep. Also if you work for a company (exception maybe a small fam business) they don’t give a shit about you and would drop you without a care in the world if they could find a way to get your work done cheaper. So try to give less of a shit, if you’re going to look for a new job that will help you check out of the current one. Look after yourself.

And yeah, money or vouchers, some sweets and drinks for everyone. Done.

I hope you get some time to rest over Christmas OP. It's great that you have a supportive partner. I would be going to the GP asap and getting signed off work with stress while you look for something else.

OP while you are on Amazon getting gift cards order a couple of simple bits for your kids and partner like a book, maybe a fun family game to play on Christmas day. Some chocs or sweets, a bag of fancy coffee, that kind of thing.

You will feel miles better in yourself if you can find it in yourself to buy even 2 or 3 simple bits to unwrap on Christmas day.

There are times to just splash some cash on amazon to solve the problem and this is one of them.

It definitely sounds like a visit to the GP is needed though OP if its been this overwhelming for you in recent weeks to even spend 5 minutes on Amazon ordering just a handful of gifts.

You need rest and support.

Those are some pretty serious signs of burn out and if you continue it will only get worse.

I knew you were a teacher before I got to this point of the thread , I was just looking for confirmation.

Get out. Just do it. This is no way to live . It is the most toxic environment. I have been there , I felt exactly like you . I’m out now - a big pay cut - but I am so happy! I had months like you describe and one day I couldn’t do it any more and I walked out. The relief was immense . I did supply for a bit and I now teach in FE SEN in an alternate provision and i absolutely love every second of it. I’m in massive debt this Christmas - because of the pay cut - but it is so worth it. I feel like a person again rather than a robot just crawling towards half terms.

The only way they’ll be disappointed, is you not telling them how you feel. I would be so upset if my mum couldn’t tell me she was struggling. They’ll understand.

I knew you were a teacher.

Get out, as soon as you can-it's just toxic. Give people some cash and explain you are a bit broken at the moment. Speak to your GP if you need to.

Look on Facebook for the life after teaching group

I joined it a couple of months ago 👍

I knew you’d be a teacher when I was reading your original post. It’s a tough job and this term has been the longest and I say that with a lovely class.

When the job is bad, it’s absolutely horrendous.
I’ve been where you are in the past as have many of my friends and colleagues.Its really awful. Cant see the wood for the trees, feeling flat and unable to make decisions and really had enough. Etc

Please put yourself first, go and see a doctor and get signed off. You can’t carry on like this and you’ll make yourself worse.

Sending much love. Remember this is just a job. You are replaceable at work but you are NOT replaceable to your family.

Life after teaching - exit the classroom and thrive on Facebook is excellent support

I wonder if you are my colleague … please please look after yourself. I know work seems like the priority but what you are experiencing is burn out. I have been there and it took a long time to recover. Please consider your options - your body will start dictating if you don’t and then you will have no options open to you.
Gift cards defo the way forward!
Take some days to decompress and get a sick note if this continues in the new year

You've really never experienced burnout?

Try to see your GP next week - hopefully they will sign you off. Show them what you've written here if you think you won't be able to say how you're really feeling.

Please tell your partner exactly how you are feeling - it will lighten the load a little bit to share it. I have been exactly where you are and know how it affects you physically as well as mentally. Once you've got through the Christmas period, make an appointment and go and see your GP. They can sign you off for a bit and refer you for some talking therapy. Don't try and carry this alone, you need help and support 💐

I second the thinking that you should look to get signed off. You can’t recover if you’re trying to get better, but still going to work.

I’ve had burn out and it’s truly awful, you need rest and a complete break. Use the time off to think about what you want your new career (or job) to be.

Speak to your Union too, they might be able to offer support.

https://www.educationsupport.org.uk

This is really good support as well xx

Your nervous system sounds totally shattered and you could be signed off work for the symptoms you describe. I have experienced what you are going through from staying too long in a toxic job. It is hell. The sooner you can leave this job the better, to rebuild your nervous system.

Cancel Christmas this year and buy presents in November next year so you don’t have to think about it in December. Don’t ignore the signals your body is giving you, it can lead to a much longer and serious burn out

I promise, you don’t have to go into detail, I could probably tell you anyway: some schools are so toxic now. The job was always impossible but now most add bullying to it too. You need your GP to sign you off and you need your union. You all could put grievance / whistleblowing documentation through and you could reach industrial action. Your union could help you personally with an exit strategy if that’s what you decide. However, given time of year, you should probably just put it all to one side and rest . When “the fear” starts again as new term approaches, get yourself to GP. The danger is that after a break, you feel a bit better and don’t. I am here to tell you, don’t put it off. I longed it out in the hope management would change and my formally lovely school would go back to how it was. I ended up depressed, overwhelmed and physically ill and HTT responded by increasing my workload to point I never had a ppa, a lunch or break, an evening off or a weekend. I believed myself to be in an impossible situation. However, I’m wasn’t! I won’t go into what happened financially but you might be surprised at what is possible with your union’s support. I am currently on a complete break from teaching and slowly, slowly coming back to life and starting to be the person I was before I was zapped by it all. Once Christmas is done, I plan to donate all my dowdy teaching clothes and express who I am actually am again. I’m still in process of managing the … strong work but “grief” of leaving my job and the anxiety. I never thought I would have MH issues, I was the strongest most resilient person ever but they got me in the end! However, with family, NHS talking therapy, the NEU and my church, I actually feel I am recovering. Don’t delay after Xmas, GP and union ! X