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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will I ruin everything for everyone?

222 replies

ReallyStrugglingToday · 23/12/2025 10:49

I'm not going to go into details (unless someone asks really nicely! 😉) But work this year has been consistently horrific and very stressful for a number of reasons and has just escalated as the months have gone by.

I'm completely burnt out from it. I've barely left the house other than to go to work for the last three months because of it. I've become a shell of my former self.

We broke up for christmas on Friday and i have done no Christmas shopping. I didn't have the time or the mental or emotional headspace to start shopping earlier. I just kept thinking, if I can get through this week, then next week... except that next week just brought more of the same and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse at work, it did.

To put it into context, I have two adult children - 19 and mid 20s. The youngest has now gone away for Christmas and the eldest will be coming to me (and my partner) on Christmas day.

On Saturday, I went out for the day with my children to do some Christmas shopping and spend a bit of time together before the youngest left. I normally wouldn't have done so the Saturday before Christmas when I really needed to just decompress but decided to adopt a positive mental attitude and get on with it to spend time with my children.

We had a nice day together but I was completely unable to do any shopping or anything really. I can't explain it. I was completely overwhelmed by everything. The shops, the people, the sensory overload. I'm ashamed to say I kept crying. Not that they saw, not blubbing or weeping or sobbing but just randomly found myself with tears rolling down my face which I wiped away and hid from them. I just felt anxious, stressed, disoriented, confused and just desperate to get home, which isn't really like me at all.

I couldn't think, couldn't see things in shops properly - everything was just stuff everywhere, even deciding where to go for lunch was beyond me (which was fine, they chose). I can't even make a decision about what I want for lunch!

We had a nice day together, saw the youngest off on the train and went our separate ways.

I took Sunday to rest hoping that yesterday would be better. But it wasn't. I spent hours trying to tidy the house and do laundry (so that I could go shopping today) and getting nowhere.

My partner will do all the food shopping (he always does) and has already got most of it. But I have bought no presents for him, my children or his (adult) children. I just feel like a complete failure and feeling like I'm going to let everyone down is making it all worse.

I'm posting because I didn't sleep again last night. I kept waking up having palpitations, waking up in tears (as i have done for weeks/months now), and I seem.to have a mental block. I can't even think about Christmas shopping now because I can't work out where to go, or what to buy or what time I need to leave or even whether I need a shower before I go. I tried looking online but couldn't work out where to start.

My son has only asked for one thing and I can't even find that.

Every time I start to think about Christmas, my heart races, I get pains in my chest, my breathing is shallow and painful and my brain is foggy. I haven't had a panic attack but I used to get them when I was younger and so recognise the signs.

I know my children and partner will understand but will they still be disappointed? I don't know if his children will understand. They won't make a fuss, I know that but I didn't attend my birthday night out this year because of all of work stress and they (my partner, his children and my children) went without me (no problem, I insisted). My partner and my children understood but his thought it was odd. It just never leaves me. I feel anxious and overwhelmed constantly by everything.

It's not an issue of resilience. I've always been very resilient and my colleagues and I have found reserves of resilience we never knew we were capable of this year.

I've just got nothing left and this year has broken me.

YABU - you will let everyone down and be the worst sort of person if you don't find a way to do this today.

YANBU - you need to take care of yourself, reduce the pressure and postpone presents.

Obviously, I'll be looking for a new job in the New Year. (If I get time to do so).

OP posts:
Endofyear · 23/12/2025 13:24

I know exactly how you feel - it's been a really shit year for us and I feel totally incapable of organising the whole thing as I normally do! Take the pressure off yourself - they're all adults and can cope with not having a ton of presents. Order some gift cards, get your pj's on and lie on the sofa with a blanket and watch some mindless crap on telly! Invent a migraine or stomach bug if you need to make an excuse to rest.

I think mothers especially feel such pressure to make everything wonderful for everyone else at the detriment to our own health and wellbeing. But you can't pour from an empty cup - you need to rest, decompress and recuperate. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Starlight7080 · 23/12/2025 13:27

Gift cards amazon especially. Dont worry people love a gift card. Christmas can be so stressful especially when life in general is.
Dont be so hard on yourself .

Namechangerage · 23/12/2025 13:29

I am glad you took the advice to get Amazon gift cards! If you go to a shop like Asda or Iceland they also have gift cards you can load up and gift them inside a card - if you wanted something to give that is physical. It’s fine to be overwhelmed etc but like PP said a gift card takes 2 seconds. What is the one thing your DS asked for?

Please see your GP in new year, you sound like you really need support.

Namechangerage · 23/12/2025 13:30

but also you could have asked your partner to sort presents for his kids at least….

MummyJ36 · 23/12/2025 13:33

gift cards and ask your DH if he can buy a couple of bottles of fizz / a drink your DC’s like and two bottle bags. A gift card and a bottle of fizz would be a great present from my perspective!!

outerspacepotato · 23/12/2025 13:35

I think you need to see a mental health care provider ASAP. See your GP to go on sick leave if you can but you need to see a professional.

You sound seriously burned out and pushing yourself when you're in this state will not help you or your family. I hope the new year brings you peace.

Thesoundofscience · 23/12/2025 13:35

Sorry Op, I know this wasn’t your question but I’m another to urge you to get B12 tested, along with full iron panel including ferritin, plus vitamin D, magnesium, calcium and potassium. Another one in B1 thiamine, which gets hugely depleted under stress.

All your Bs need to be optimal to function fully. This isn’t really investigated by GPs though and I appreciate you need to have some mental energy to look into yourself.

Also, if you can face it, you could look, or ask your partner, to see what events are later in the year ie theatre, music, etc and give an IUO as Christmas gift. Something to look forward to.

user1492809438 · 23/12/2025 13:35

I'm guessing you are in education. Completely understand, have a look at experiences on Not on The High Street, voucher for a visit to Harry Potter World Warner brothers [all web based so can be printed out at home] ..and be kind to yourself. Ask yourself if your children would rather have you still smiling and vouchers or or a sobbing burnt out wreck?

Lookingtodate · 23/12/2025 13:39

As will as being work could it be your hormones? Agree with everyone to speak to GP

What was your son wanting could we help you search?

Macaroni46 · 23/12/2025 13:39

Are you a teacher @ReallyStrugglingToday?

Barnestine · 23/12/2025 13:39

Just get the vouchers as per apps. Sounds like a burn out (possibly compounded by menopause?? ) GP - sick note - consider options. Don’t let the GP fob you off with citalopram and not consider meno - I lost my career with that scenario.

Youtoldmeonce · 23/12/2025 13:41

What about Miller & Carter restaurant vouchers (or similar) you can buy off Amazon there was a discount on them last week. Then they can use them for themselves or you could go together in the New Year when you are feeling more like your old self.

SweetHydrangea · 23/12/2025 13:42

Amazon Gift Cards - as long as your husband and kids are happy using the internet just do it and save yourself some hassle. They even sell them in Supermarkets/Argos etc. There aren’t many things you can’t buy on Amazon and they aren’t going to go bust any time soon. I would much rather an Amazon gift card than something random that was obviously a last minute gift. If anyone questions the date you bought it (ie day before Christmas) just say you wanted to leave it as long as possible so they have longer to spend. I always make a point of buying gift cards as late as I can for the same reason.

With Husband - buy a Christmas card and write in it that you are going to take him away for a weekend in the spring, if he asks where, tell him it’s a surprise. Then give yourself a break and enjoy your day. You can think about where you are taking him in the new year! I did this with my husband last year as I was in early stages of pregnancy and sick as a dog. I ended up taking him to Clarksons Farm and doing the brewery tour and ate at a lovely pub which he loved! And no stress for me as it give me time once my sickness had subsided to put the effort into making it a nice trip.

Howardyoudo · 23/12/2025 13:43

Yanbu, this year I found it all incredibly overwhelming. Shops were rammed - WHAT col crisis?

Just been to both Waitrose and M&S today as I needed from both, 10 am and it was insane. They were restocking as I was there. These two were department size ones too.
then the queues, insanely loud music and just people everywhere. I’m a sahm and had time, and even I found it overwhelming. We have lots of family abroad so were receiving gifts in bits over the course of two weeks - felt like I’ve been wrapping gifts every night!
we have lots of kids around - friends and family so I can’t do vouchers. But in your case, take 10 min to buy them vouchers, order food tomorrow for Thursday and give yourself a break.

usedtobeaylis · 23/12/2025 13:44

You're having a massive stress response and you need to see your doctor. You probably need to be signed off work with stress to let your nervous system reset and recover. Don't try to diagnose until after that. Take care of yourself!

silkypyjamas · 23/12/2025 13:44

AllTheWatersTurnedToClouds · 23/12/2025 11:14

Sounds like the menopause to me…

exactly what I was going to say

Daygloboo · 23/12/2025 13:51

ReallyStrugglingToday · 23/12/2025 10:49

I'm not going to go into details (unless someone asks really nicely! 😉) But work this year has been consistently horrific and very stressful for a number of reasons and has just escalated as the months have gone by.

I'm completely burnt out from it. I've barely left the house other than to go to work for the last three months because of it. I've become a shell of my former self.

We broke up for christmas on Friday and i have done no Christmas shopping. I didn't have the time or the mental or emotional headspace to start shopping earlier. I just kept thinking, if I can get through this week, then next week... except that next week just brought more of the same and just when we thought it couldn't get any worse at work, it did.

To put it into context, I have two adult children - 19 and mid 20s. The youngest has now gone away for Christmas and the eldest will be coming to me (and my partner) on Christmas day.

On Saturday, I went out for the day with my children to do some Christmas shopping and spend a bit of time together before the youngest left. I normally wouldn't have done so the Saturday before Christmas when I really needed to just decompress but decided to adopt a positive mental attitude and get on with it to spend time with my children.

We had a nice day together but I was completely unable to do any shopping or anything really. I can't explain it. I was completely overwhelmed by everything. The shops, the people, the sensory overload. I'm ashamed to say I kept crying. Not that they saw, not blubbing or weeping or sobbing but just randomly found myself with tears rolling down my face which I wiped away and hid from them. I just felt anxious, stressed, disoriented, confused and just desperate to get home, which isn't really like me at all.

I couldn't think, couldn't see things in shops properly - everything was just stuff everywhere, even deciding where to go for lunch was beyond me (which was fine, they chose). I can't even make a decision about what I want for lunch!

We had a nice day together, saw the youngest off on the train and went our separate ways.

I took Sunday to rest hoping that yesterday would be better. But it wasn't. I spent hours trying to tidy the house and do laundry (so that I could go shopping today) and getting nowhere.

My partner will do all the food shopping (he always does) and has already got most of it. But I have bought no presents for him, my children or his (adult) children. I just feel like a complete failure and feeling like I'm going to let everyone down is making it all worse.

I'm posting because I didn't sleep again last night. I kept waking up having palpitations, waking up in tears (as i have done for weeks/months now), and I seem.to have a mental block. I can't even think about Christmas shopping now because I can't work out where to go, or what to buy or what time I need to leave or even whether I need a shower before I go. I tried looking online but couldn't work out where to start.

My son has only asked for one thing and I can't even find that.

Every time I start to think about Christmas, my heart races, I get pains in my chest, my breathing is shallow and painful and my brain is foggy. I haven't had a panic attack but I used to get them when I was younger and so recognise the signs.

I know my children and partner will understand but will they still be disappointed? I don't know if his children will understand. They won't make a fuss, I know that but I didn't attend my birthday night out this year because of all of work stress and they (my partner, his children and my children) went without me (no problem, I insisted). My partner and my children understood but his thought it was odd. It just never leaves me. I feel anxious and overwhelmed constantly by everything.

It's not an issue of resilience. I've always been very resilient and my colleagues and I have found reserves of resilience we never knew we were capable of this year.

I've just got nothing left and this year has broken me.

YABU - you will let everyone down and be the worst sort of person if you don't find a way to do this today.

YANBU - you need to take care of yourself, reduce the pressure and postpone presents.

Obviously, I'll be looking for a new job in the New Year. (If I get time to do so).

Youve burnt out and should rest, maybe go yo GP and get a new job. It's your body telling you it cant take any more. Could you have a holiday. You might need to take domevtime out. And eat well. Plenty if water and walks. Go into countryside.

WulyJmpr · 23/12/2025 13:53

You are burnt out. Try not to put any more pressure on yourself. Your family will understand if you try to explain to them. The job sounds totally toxic. Do you really want to be doing that all again next year?

WulyJmpr · 23/12/2025 13:57

Also I read this article about toxic resilience earlier this month if it helps Forbes

WulyJmpr · 23/12/2025 13:57

Duplicate post

GreenCandleWax · 23/12/2025 14:01

Pppiglets · 23/12/2025 10:55

Make a cup of coffee, get on Amazon and get it done. I understand that feeling of overwhelm but keeping your head in the sand doesn’t help.

Throw money at next day delivery online. Sympathies with how you feel. I have been there, but by this time next year be in a job that you like and does not burn you out. Good luck with the shopping. There is still time if you order online today. Flowers

Mincepietastic · 23/12/2025 14:03

You sounds totally burned out. You really need to go to a GP to get proper medical help.

LivingMyLifeWithKindness · 23/12/2025 14:04

time to look after yourself. You sound burnt out. It is a real physical condition. It needs real rest and should be treated seriously.
Sofa - blanket - crap on telly - biscuit tin - stop feeling guilty.
Tell husband how bad it is feeling. Maybe he hasn’t realised.
Ask husband to Amazon prime something small & throw in money for xyz.
prioritise you.
once you are feeling rested work out if leaving the job would be helpful and practical. Get medical help and sign off if you are still not recovered.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/12/2025 14:09

You sound acutely stressed OP, please be kind to yourself- does your partner realise how truly awful you feel and how much you're struggling? Please give yourself the best Christmas present and promise yourself you'll go the the doctor and get signed off in January

CheekyNavyDeer · 23/12/2025 14:12

You are not being unreasonable to feel like this. Your job is overwhelming you and not allowing you to live your life. Even without this, Christmas can be overwhelming, Amazon gift card or cash, and a simple little pressie to go with it. Chocolates, socks, scarf, anything that can be delivered tomorrow. Do not overthink it, just order. Xxx