DP cried when he found out his ex is engaged

[Wrando]

Hi, I’m not really sure how to feel about this.
DP and I have been together for 4 years, we have a baby boy together. DP almost never cries, maybe 2 times in the last 4 years and once was when we nearly broke up, another when a close friend passed away.

We both still follow our exes on social media (I know some would have an issue with this but it doesn’t bother me and I do the same). Tonight DP and I were relaxing watching tv when I noticed he was crying a little, I got worried and asked why. He was honest and said his ex had posted that she was engaged. I asked why this upset him and he told me he didn’t know and it wasn’t that he was sad it just made him emotional. I personally thought it was a bit of strange response but he said it’s just because they broke up because of her mental health and there was a time he wasn’t sure if she would even be alive 5 years later let alone engaged and happy. I get this being emotional, but he didn’t cry when his own son was born and is generally very stoic so it still felt out of character.

AIBU to be a bit freaked out by this?

Nah, it seems a bit too complicated a story to come up with on the spot, and it sounds genuine.

Some posters here are being very unreasonable, the man is allowed to have feelings. It doesn't mean he's harbouring a secret desire for his ex.

I was upset when I found out my ex was having a child with his partner. I can guarantee you I did not want him back, he was so bad for me, and I have a wonderful DH now who is the love of my life. But there was some complex stuff in our past around having/not having DC and it threw me a bit. I shook it off after a day or two, it doesn't mean anything.

I'd love it if my own, rare, tears made sense.

I nursed my very much loved husband at home to his death from cancer. I didn't cry when he died. My kids and I hugged each other tightly, shared how proud were were of each other, and then I got on with phoning the doctor and the funeral director.

I didn't cry at his funeral, or that of my mother. But I did cry at the funeral of a colleague's husband. I sometimes cry when I'm angry, but I didn't cry at the birth of my baby, or my daughter's wedding, or at any of the 'acceptable' times to cry.

My tears are unexpected and random, while I remain calm and stoic when others would be sobbing.

Maybe that's how OP 's DH is, too.

What a beautiful profound thread tonight

this Is a good thing. He sounds like a good man.

I think the answer to this is not following ex's on social media-no good can come of it- your partner has finished up upset, and you feel less secure- if he hadn't been following her this wouldn't have happened and you would both be happier.

Hmm, I’m not sure his motive is genuine. Maybe he is crying tears of relief that she’s still here or he’s heartbroken he wasn’t the one.
I wouldn’t like his reaction at all.

But it also sounds like he finally has some closure over his ex. Whereas he would have continued to carry the weight of wondering if she was alive or dead with him otherwise. I think if the relationship is strong then exes in the background shouldn’t matter - everyone has history, whether they carry them inside with them or they pop up on social media.

And nothing has actually “happened” - the OP expressed a worry online, spoke to her DP and he explained - presumably both of them are now relieved. Plus the majority of posters here think the DP is a good ‘un, which is a rare thing, so it must be true. 😁

I'm much like your husband. Very little makes me cry. The list basically goes 1. The episode of Buffy where her Mum dies. 2. The episode after her mum dies.

I went out with a woman for nearly a year when I was 20 who was in a very dark place. I didn't realise until a good few months in how unwell she was, culminating in a suicide attempt by her and a phone call from her while on her way out. I managed to get an ambulance to her in time, and we lasted another few months before I realised I really wasn't in a position of helping her, and needed to extricate myself before I got dragged down with her.

She got very scary for a while, she physically injured me to the extent I needed stitches, I had to change phone numbers, make sure no-one told her my new address when I moved etc. I've walked the other way in shops when I saw her, had to leave an evening wedding reception I was invited to because I found out she was a bridesmaid.

We're in our 40s now, and about 5 years ago I found out she was sober, married, owned her own business and had a kid. I just about held it together in front of the mutual friend who'd told me, and then promptly got in my car and wept.

I wasn't upset, I wasn't jealous. These were happy tears, tears of relief. I was happy for her that she'd managed to fight the demons that were haunting her, and slightly selfishly, I was happy that my ending the relationship hadn't sent her into an even worse spiral than she was already in.

I've seen people I properly loved get married, and felt nothing, but seeing this woman lead a (hopefully) happy life meant the absolute world to me, despite the fact that I still feel nothing but dread when I think of her.

You can't police what people cry about and it's nothing to do with resilience. I didn't cry during my wedding or when DC were born (like another poster said upthread, didn't know I was supposed to), don't usually at funerals (although I have at some) but will bawl my eyes out at a sad scene in a film or TV show - cried over Ripley torching the alien eggs in Aliens for goodness sake!

OP's DH sounds like a decent man who isn't afraid of taking about his emotions.

Possibly. We can never really know for sure why he reacted the way he did, can we? We're all just giving our opinions. Perhaps she did have mental illness. It doesn't mean that's the reason that he cried, it could just as easily be that he wished that she didn't have her challenges and if she didn't, perhaps things could have worked out between them and he's regretful that he's not the one she's got her shit together for. Or maybe he is being genuine. I'm just a little wary of the 'crazy ex' excuse which men seem to trot out to cover up various things.

Sounds about right. Great that he’s able to talk about it. He sounds a gooden.

I also wonder if he’ll be a little bit more emotional and sentimental now that he’s a dad too? 😉

If his time with this girl was really traumatic and there was a real risk of her taking her own life, I imagine he's been subconsciously holding his breath ever since and waiting for that phone call. His tears could well be just absolute relief as he's finally exhaled.

Depends how things go in time
If he's bringing it up a week later then maybe something to talk about

My partner was upset when he seen his exs dad had died 2 weeks before her wedding

I did admit it was sad

He did find out due to her sharing her life on social media

It was sad but I don't know why you would put that on FB

He never mentioned it again and was fine. He just said it was the story that got to him and imagine if his dad passed away before our big day

Never mentioned it ever again so I thought it was completely fine

Sumed up perfectly for all the cunts

Both follow ex’s - that seems weird

crying over her getting her happy ending and not dead

I assume he knew she had a bf if media friends

you say dp - any proposal coming your way @Wrando ?

Being in a relationship with someone mentally ill, with anorexia, must have been a huge emotional burden. Breaking up with her even more so and the ongoing background fear for her life.

It sounds as if it was a big emotional release from that background, by now even subconscious, burden, which is why it took him by surprise.

He trusted you enough to tell you the truth and to talk about it when he was vulnerable and confused . You have nothing to worry about here: it sounds like a sign of strength and closeness in your relationship.

Why do you think she seems like a nasty piece of work? You're the one throwing insults at people for having different opinions to you

@Wrando Completely understand why you’d initially have felt a bit thrown off by his reaction but I hope you feel reassured now that you know the background.

As others have already said, he’s probably been silently holding his breath waiting to see bad news about her for years (whether he realised he was or not!) and he’s finally been able to exhale. Genuine emotion sometimes just catches us off guard.

I think it speaks volumes that he’s felt comfortable and secure enough in your relationship to be able to be emotional about an ex and give you an explanation rather than scuttling off to a corner to have a cry and lie about it or hide it like other posters have suggested he should have. I wouldn’t see it as a bad thing at all. I think it’s great.

I also don’t see any issue with following ex’s on social media etc. Everyone has a past.

This is one of those MN threads that has restored my faith in human nature in many ways!

Yes and I understand that, so sorry for your losses .

Those of us who have been bereaved will absolutely relate to what you say, it can be the strangest of things that set you off. It isn't however, ime, related to the actions of exes that's just a bit weird and inappropriate.

@ThisJadeBear has said it so well. For him to be so open and honest with you is a lovely thing, he probably felt relieved

He may have subconsciously been waiting all these years for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, as in hearing that she was doing badly or had even committed suicide. So it may be a strange form of closure and relief for him.

I have an ex who died very young and I was genuinely upset, despite not loving him or seeing him for years. He was a good person and a part of my history, it's normal to feel these feelings. I have another ex with complicated health issues and I do think of him a few times a year, hoping he's ok and still here. None of that had any bearing on my current relationship at the time.

I am quite the cynical misandrist 😂 but even so, instinct tells me yours is not crying for any nefarious reasons. He was open about it straight away with you, which is commendable. He maybe went through hell with her and it can be so hard to open up, especially with you, because it's conflicting and might not be appropriate for you to hear the gritty details. We all have a story.

Are you asking why someone would put that their parent had died on social media?
Is to let people know not a good enough reason?

Maybe they were happy tears?