DP cried when he found out his ex is engaged

[Wrando]

Hi, I’m not really sure how to feel about this.
DP and I have been together for 4 years, we have a baby boy together. DP almost never cries, maybe 2 times in the last 4 years and once was when we nearly broke up, another when a close friend passed away.

We both still follow our exes on social media (I know some would have an issue with this but it doesn’t bother me and I do the same). Tonight DP and I were relaxing watching tv when I noticed he was crying a little, I got worried and asked why. He was honest and said his ex had posted that she was engaged. I asked why this upset him and he told me he didn’t know and it wasn’t that he was sad it just made him emotional. I personally thought it was a bit of strange response but he said it’s just because they broke up because of her mental health and there was a time he wasn’t sure if she would even be alive 5 years later let alone engaged and happy. I get this being emotional, but he didn’t cry when his own son was born and is generally very stoic so it still felt out of character.

AIBU to be a bit freaked out by this?

If a couple who’ve been together a few years and have a child together follow their respective exes on social media, then the frame of reference for normal behaviour here is way beyond my ken.
Crying over an ex’s impending marriage in such a universe could be anything from expected and unremarkable, to bizarre and unprecedented!

When a relationship is over, you need to eradicate them from your mind. I find it bizarre that you both are chasing after exes.

you are both living in the past. Why?

unless you have kids with exes, where you are forced to have regular dealings with them like maintenance payments and visitation rights, then why would you be even thinking about exes?

Move on!

and yes, it’s a good thing he’s honest with you.

and yes, mental illness problems can be draining, exhausting and take up all your time.

Not crying at his son’s birth, but crying over an ex, is precisely why all exes should be permanently cut off after a relationship ends, subject to small kids from both of you being involved.

He sounds like a nice human so try not to overthink this. I like that he is showing emotion and being honest about his thoughts.

I think I understand how he felt. If he went through an awful time with her, and now she's making a good life for herself, that could be emotional. It can come out of nowhere, especially if it was a traumatic time for him. It's probably something he never thought he'd see.

Also, it could be that he has buried feelings for her (reminiscent of the past) which isn't unusual and isn't a reflection of his relationship with you.
I wouldn't be worried

I know you've updated now but this is what really jumped out at me:

they broke up because of her mental health and there was a time he wasn’t sure if she would even be alive 5 years later

He sounds like a wee darling.

Sometimes it is a true end to a chapter in your life. That moment of closure. Which can be an emotional release.

Your update make him sound like a keeper. But I don't think you were unreasonable to be shocked by his reaction (it sounds like he was too!)

He sounds like a good, caring person

Did anyone else open this thread primed for rage and end up getting tearful instead?

He sounds like a lovely person OP and I really don't think you have anything to worry about. Put it behind you now.

He is emotional his ex is making future plans and hasn't died. Don't see anything wrong with his feelings.

Its never a good idea to follow exes on social media.
I imagine he cried a little because of its finality. That doesn't mean he wanted to get back with her but our emotions can't be boxed up neatly. I was very upset when an ex got married. I didn't want him back but it closed the book on that chapter of my life.

This is an excellent reason why there are some things you really shouldn't share w/ your spouse. He could have just kept that inside or gone to another room, dealt with all his big emotions on his own and not put you through this. Some sharing is pure selfishness.

Sorry but this would chime alarm bells to me. Having said that I don’t follow exs on social media and would be suspicious if a partner did.

Surely he could have had his cry in private. He knew this would alarm you so why do it in front of you?

He's DP and not DH? A lot for me would depend on the backstory to that. Given that it's an engagement he's reacting so strongly to.

Well, that's fine, surely? He's probably been carrying that weight for a long time.

Does it put your mind at ease now?

Without his explanation I’d be very worried but it seems he’s happy for her.

I ended things with my ex due to his poor mental health keeping us in an unhealthy cycle. It turned out that I was the only thing keeping him together as his mental health caused him to crash and burn within less than a year of our break up. He started using drugs and alcohol despite never being much of a drinker or ever having gone drugs while I knew him, he lost his very good job, and got banned from driving. When I saw years later that he’d got married and had a a beautiful little baby girl I cried, not out of sadness but because, like your husband, I was relieved he was still here and better and now building a happy life.
I don’t think yabu to be a bit freaked by it, but he also isn’t BU for how he feels either

I'd be reassured by his answer but perhaps this is an opportunity for a fresh start for both of you and delete your exes from social media. As others have said, it's keeping ghosts in your present.

Otherwise he's going to relive this when she marries, possibly has kids... not healthy.

I can see why that was a shock - but his explanation is way too complicated to be made up and seems pretty raw and real. I'd accept it, appreciate he is a genuinely caring human, and move on.

I haven’t had time to read through the thread so I will later but wanted to quickly say, DH’s ex was mentally unwell and was sectioned a few times. She and I get on great when we’ve met and she’s been welcomed into our home and to meet our DC or should she need a chat etc with DH all has been fine but when she found someone and finally they married my DH explained that he felt huge release of guilt, that she was happy so he didn’t have to feel guilty she wasn't settled and he was. This was a teenage relationship for them so it wasn’t likely to last but he cared deeply for her and her well-being. She seems so much more grown up and settled since she’s been married and (obviously gotten older) but he carried around guilt about moving on and being unable to cope with the complicated nature of her MH issues for a long time. Knowing that shes happy brings him comfort and relief.

Nothing to worry about. You have a strong man in a million. You should not question his loyalty. He took care at one time someone who was unstable and, did his best. No doubt made him think it was not. The damage that must have caused no one knows.You built him up, do not bring him back down by questioning him now. He shared with you and, that should be enough for you to know he loves you. It was most likely a relief for him that she had not committed an act. Maybe he always felt guilt in leaving her so he could survive. That is what it takes sometimes to wake people up and make them change their life decisions. As said, a strong one in a million man. Be lucky you have him and do not make him fall because of your own insecurity.

It sounds like tears of joy for her getting her life back on track. It's almost to his credit. You don't think he regrets leaving her. I mean you two are solid and happy together.

Hmm I'd feel uneasy about this. I mean he could be telling the truth. Alternatively he could be fabricating a story to explain away his reaction to his ex getting engaged. Perhaps he is being honest or perhaps he is emotional because she's the one that got away. None of us can know with any certainty what it is however I'd be veering towards unresolved feelings about his ex.