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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP cried when he found out his ex is engaged

175 replies

Wrando · 22/12/2025 02:46

Hi, I’m not really sure how to feel about this.
DP and I have been together for 4 years, we have a baby boy together. DP almost never cries, maybe 2 times in the last 4 years and once was when we nearly broke up, another when a close friend passed away.

We both still follow our exes on social media (I know some would have an issue with this but it doesn’t bother me and I do the same). Tonight DP and I were relaxing watching tv when I noticed he was crying a little, I got worried and asked why. He was honest and said his ex had posted that she was engaged. I asked why this upset him and he told me he didn’t know and it wasn’t that he was sad it just made him emotional. I personally thought it was a bit of strange response but he said it’s just because they broke up because of her mental health and there was a time he wasn’t sure if she would even be alive 5 years later let alone engaged and happy. I get this being emotional, but he didn’t cry when his own son was born and is generally very stoic so it still felt out of character.

AIBU to be a bit freaked out by this?

OP posts:
Saladbrains · 22/12/2025 07:51

HelmholtzWatson · 22/12/2025 05:11

Imagine being in touch with your emotions and then being open and honest about why and then also being called out as unreasonable...

Exactly this.

The problem is you: that you’re choosing to not believe the open and honest man that we all hope exists.

susiedaisy1912 · 22/12/2025 07:52

Franjipanl8r · 22/12/2025 03:12

As someone who’s cared for someone with mental health problems I’d say his reaction was completely valid. His tears were probably a mix of relief and a flashback to how traumatic that time for him was.

I agree. It may also now be a form of closure for him that she’s happy and has moved on with her life.

PleaseAccepyMyUserNames · 22/12/2025 07:53

If it helps.... As the mother, I didn't cry when my son was born. I was in way too much shock.
I did however cry recently when I read
that a bus driver had gotten stuck in flood water and I felt really sorry for this guy I've never even met.
I think some of us struggle to emote in the ways you would expect!!!

PrincessOfPreschool · 22/12/2025 07:54

I think it's likely to be a mixture of all the emotions mentioned on here and he probably couldn't even name them all. Guilt, relief, regret, emotions from that time resurfacing/ 'triggered' (grief, love, fear, sadness at fairly intense levels). It's a lot to hit you in one wave.

BookMarque · 22/12/2025 08:00

It sounds as if he felt bad for finishing with her and is probably relieved she’s is now happy and has moved on . Now he can completely put her behind him and concentrate fully on the future with you .

GreyCarpet · 22/12/2025 08:02

You've had some good responses here (and it was really good to not read the usual glut of nonsense about men and their feelings!)

Emotions are complex and sometimes we have an emotional response to something without really understanding what the emotion is. That's why some people cry when they're not sad or laugh at bad news. It doesn't necessarily mean anything more than a human has a complex emotional response to something their brain hasn't had chance to process properly.

And, as others have said, it will have been a flashback to a very emotionally traumatic time for him.

It doesn't mean he still loves her or hoped that one day they'd get back together. It just means he's human.

FWIW, my partner split up with his ex partner 6 months before we got together. When we'd been together for a few months, she sadly died. I was friendly with her but didn't know her well. He went to her funeral and cried. I didn't go because it didn't feel right but I also cried and lit a candle for her at home.

It was about her and the wonderful woman she was and sadness that her life had been cut short. It didn't say anything about his and my relationship.

5128gap · 22/12/2025 08:02

I think his explanation would have satisfied me. He obviously cared about her. We don't want to be in a relationship with everyone we care about.

Justchilling07 · 22/12/2025 08:02

AquaForce · 22/12/2025 07:27

Oh dear. The apologists are out in force on this thread aren't they?

You know why he cried OP. It's the same reason I cried when my ex got married.
He held a torch for her. He has feelings for her. It hurts. Thankfully she's off the menu now and you have his full attention.

There’s always one @AquaForce or two @safetyfreak🙄who are unable to see any other perspectives

GreyCarpet · 22/12/2025 08:04

Charlenedickens · 22/12/2025 07:50

I’d also be bothered by this to be honest. Someone weeping as their ex was engaged smacks to me of regret and lost opportunity.

It really doesn't. Not in the wider context of them having split up due to her mental health anyway.

Londonrach1 · 22/12/2025 08:04

Tears of relief she's alive and happy and engaged. Your partner sounds a nice man

Michaelsays · 22/12/2025 08:05

I think this is totally OK. I cried when I found out my ex was engaged and having a baby. It brought up a lot of feelings about just how much he hurt me all those years ago, but also general feelings of change. I harbour no feelings for my ex and I'm very confident in who I am and my now marriage.

Feelings are just feelings, sometimes they get you in a way you don't expect.

Su9 · 22/12/2025 08:06

He cld probably work out what he's feeling in a conversation with you. Before you fully expressing your feelings, seeing add you aren't sure what his tears were about.
Sounds like you both have lovely communication.

CandyCaneKisses · 22/12/2025 08:07

It wouldn’t bother me. I have ex’s I still cares about.

rafeal · 22/12/2025 08:12

I would find this very hard too. But objectively, feelings about people in your past can be complicated and wrapped up in a lot of detail that can never really be explained. I used to get a jolt when I heard something about one of my exes (marriage, a new baby etc) but it didn’t have anything to do with my present life and happiness. It just took me back for a moment to a different time and made me feel sad about how things ended, I sort of felt sad for the lost promise rather than in anyway unhappy with my life turned out. I love my husband and have a very happy life. I wouldn’t want to back and change things but it was sad at the time.

mindutopia · 22/12/2025 08:20

I felt upset when I found out my ex was engaged and when he and his new wife announced their pregnancy. I am genuinely friendly with my ex AND his wife. Dh and I went to their wedding! I also was really thrown emotionally recently when I found out an ex had died (not the same one!).

I’m very happy with Dh. It doesn’t mean I want to be with either ex, but it’s a weird feeling of life going differently than you think it would have once and all the emotions that throws up.

Now he could still have feelings for his ex, sure. But I don’t necessarily think the strange response to the engagement news is indicative of that. It certainly wasn’t for me.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 22/12/2025 08:24

Charlenedickens · 22/12/2025 07:50

I’d also be bothered by this to be honest. Someone weeping as their ex was engaged smacks to me of regret and lost opportunity.

Weeping? Really?

Didimum · 22/12/2025 08:29

I don’t think he’s as stoic as you think he is. You’ve noted he has cried other times, just not when you’d have personally cried – everyone is different.

I cry quite a bit, but I didn’t cry when my children were born, didn’t cry on my wedding day. Etc etc.

No one can really tell you if he’s been honest about his reason – only he knows that, and all you can do is judge your relationship by how he treats you and how he makes you feel.

Why and when did you almost break up?

Moonlightfrog · 22/12/2025 08:39

Franjipanl8r · 22/12/2025 03:12

As someone who’s cared for someone with mental health problems I’d say his reaction was completely valid. His tears were probably a mix of relief and a flashback to how traumatic that time for him was.

I agree with this. It sounds like they went through a lot together, he obviously saw her going through some really tough times and thought she was possibly at risk of either going off the rails or taking her own life. To see her happy and engaged is something he thought might never happen.
I would probably feel a bit odd about it but I think the way he has described it is totally valid and he seems honest?

AffableApple · 22/12/2025 08:40

Franjipanl8r · 22/12/2025 03:12

As someone who’s cared for someone with mental health problems I’d say his reaction was completely valid. His tears were probably a mix of relief and a flashback to how traumatic that time for him was.

This, plus it being an emotional time of year, plus he told you immediately. Have another chat though. A calm one. I don't think you've anything to be concerned about.

Justtobeclear · 22/12/2025 08:46

When I got divorced my house was sold. It wasn’t until that moment that I properly cried. My DP (now DH) at the time was confused. But it had been a long process and he was concerned I wasn’t over the relationship. It wasn’t the relationship it was a whole bundle of emotions including relief that all came out at once. It was one cry and was a therapeutic release - closure to a really difficult period in my life that had lingered in the background for a long time. I think, sometimes, these moments feel like the bookend that completes that period and allows you to let it go. That looks different for everyone and I suspect for him it was letting go of guilt and worry that he had subconsciously held onto due to the reasons for their breakup.

Parsleyforme · 22/12/2025 08:49

I think his explanation is reasonable, it’s not something most people could make up on the spot. It’s actually quite sweet that he was crying from happiness. I can understand how it might seem to you, but I’d take it at face value. If you both follow your exes you must either be friends with them or not have romantic feelings left. I know a couple of stoic men who cried at a wedding out of relief more than anything, they didn’t think the bride would make it due to mental and physical health.

LadyTangerine · 22/12/2025 08:53

God, I could not be with someone who cried over an ex getting engaged. How on earth will he cope with the tough stuff?!
I've seem my dh cry once when a very close relative died.

GreyCarpet · 22/12/2025 08:55

LadyTangerine · 22/12/2025 08:53

God, I could not be with someone who cried over an ex getting engaged. How on earth will he cope with the tough stuff?!
I've seem my dh cry once when a very close relative died.

And people wonder why men are emotionally stunted 🙄

PrettyFox · 22/12/2025 08:57

I get why you feel the way you feel but I don’t think there is a need to discuss the matter further. He straight away explained his feelings to you. People break up and move on for all sorts of reasons, it doesn’t always means you stop caring for the other person. It might have been a traumatic period for him, he might have felt guilty that he didn’t “help” her enough, and now feels truly relieved that she turned out ok and happy. Sounds you have a very decent man OP

LadyTangerine · 22/12/2025 08:59

GreyCarpet · 22/12/2025 08:55

And people wonder why men are emotionally stunted 🙄

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There is talking about your feelings and blubbing over an ex. One is proportionate, the other is not.

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