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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP cried when he found out his ex is engaged

175 replies

Wrando · 22/12/2025 02:46

Hi, I’m not really sure how to feel about this.
DP and I have been together for 4 years, we have a baby boy together. DP almost never cries, maybe 2 times in the last 4 years and once was when we nearly broke up, another when a close friend passed away.

We both still follow our exes on social media (I know some would have an issue with this but it doesn’t bother me and I do the same). Tonight DP and I were relaxing watching tv when I noticed he was crying a little, I got worried and asked why. He was honest and said his ex had posted that she was engaged. I asked why this upset him and he told me he didn’t know and it wasn’t that he was sad it just made him emotional. I personally thought it was a bit of strange response but he said it’s just because they broke up because of her mental health and there was a time he wasn’t sure if she would even be alive 5 years later let alone engaged and happy. I get this being emotional, but he didn’t cry when his own son was born and is generally very stoic so it still felt out of character.

AIBU to be a bit freaked out by this?

OP posts:
Elektra1 · 22/12/2025 07:03

I think it’s possible to feel sad about the life you didn’t have, at the same time as being happy with the one you do have. Seeing an ex’s engagement would be a trigger for that feeling of the door on an old life being completely closed. Not that you want to go back through that door, but just the sense that it’s definitely closed.

On the other hand my ex recently got engaged to the person she left me for, and I cried, because I still love her. But I’m not with anyone else.

Baby2duejuly2026 · 22/12/2025 07:06

My friend and her ex boyfriend were together for 7 years. In that time they lost about 6 babies and she had been suicidal. They broke up and a couple of years later she got pregnant with a new partner and I remember her ex (who had a girlfriend at the time as well) reached out to her and said he was overjoyed to see her doing well with her well deserved baby finally and he was just happy she was still alive I guess after her MH past.

I don’t think he has any love for her, he seems more happy with his new partner if I’m honest… but I think there is that level of care.

I would let this go x

AbbaCadaBra · 22/12/2025 07:06

Sounds like you have a nice man there. He is relieved that she may have found peace. That’s nice.

DaisyChain505 · 22/12/2025 07:09

My first reaction when reading the title was “what a prick!”

but after reading the rest and hearing his reasons I understand. I’m sure he saw her go through a lot if he says he questioned if she’d even be alive at this time in her life so it must have been a very emotional post to see. (In a good for her kind of way)

try not to dwell on it.

MummyJ36 · 22/12/2025 07:09

I think you need to talk to him about it today and get to the bottom of why he had this response. As others have said, it could be relief / happiness that things have turned out ok for her, but you are not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable and want an explanation. It sounds like he is not a “crier” so I don’t think you are unreasonable to want to understand why he is crying over an ex getting engaged.

Ponoka7 · 22/12/2025 07:10

You need to revisit this today. Is he going to use the engagement as an excuse to get in touch, to wish her congratulations? Perhaps I'm a bit more cynical than the previous posters, but alarm bells would be ringing. What did you nearly split up over?

Reachingforthestarshigh · 22/12/2025 07:13

Sounds like he is honest and his response very valid.

I will stop following ex on social media. You got a son; move on, enjoy your life together

BeQuirkyMintScroller · 22/12/2025 07:16

Christ Alive!! An honest man who will speak plainly and openly with you.

Not only that, but one who can still hold compassion for a woman who is no longer useful to him.

You've got a good one there OP.

BCBird · 22/12/2025 07:18

I was in a relationship with a lovely man who.had severe mental health issues. I think i would have probably reacred like this too. The relief would have been immense.

StephensLass1977 · 22/12/2025 07:18

Do you want to be married to a robot instead?

Completely valid reaction. It's relief he is displaying, and probably gratitude that she's doing OK for herself. Your title is misleading. Makes it sound like he wants her back.

Justchilling07 · 22/12/2025 07:20

Scrambledbeans · 22/12/2025 03:01

I can see objectively why you are finding it distressing. The only thing I can advise is- I’ve witnessed and have been part of relationships that break up due to mental health. There is a profound grief there, because it’s not just a one off, it’s normally years of trauma for everyone involved. I can understand the reasoning but can see from the outside it’s hard if you haven’t lived the detail. I don’t know if this helps- my feelings around supporting a friend with complex mental health issues, are complex in themselves. It’s not as straightforward as the usual trajectory. If my friend came to happiness after the trauma of her MH crisis, I would probable cry too.

@Scrambledbeans thank you, your advice, makes sense and will definitely help op and others reading it

WalkDontWalk · 22/12/2025 07:21

Ponoka7 · 22/12/2025 07:10

You need to revisit this today. Is he going to use the engagement as an excuse to get in touch, to wish her congratulations? Perhaps I'm a bit more cynical than the previous posters, but alarm bells would be ringing. What did you nearly split up over?

….of course, if he’s an honest man who is able to express and then analyse his emotions, then a follow-up inquisition would be a brilliant way to let him know that honesty and expressiveness won’t be tolerated in this house, thank you very much.

Marvelftw · 22/12/2025 07:21

ThisJadeBear · 22/12/2025 05:17

MN is littered with truly awful men.
Yours is not one of them.
I am probably a fair bit older than you and I think you’ve got a good one.
It sounds at some point that this ex of his was suicidal. That must have been tough.
He’s had a reaction which is probably relief, and genuine joy that this woman is well and has found someone to share her life with.
He has not hidden this from you, but shared it with you.
We often assume our partners are madly in love with an ex if they show any sort of positive feelings towards them.
Life has taught me that’s not usually the case. A relationship can end, you can have a very secure relationship with someone else. But we are each entitled to remember relationships and the feelings that went along with them.
It is also a consequence of following an ex online - you are going to see what is going on for them. If you’d rather not know, then it’s best not to follow.
Men who hide everything are the ones who don’t deal with healthy emotions.
Yours has shown his, he’s not hidden them. He sounds like a good guy.

Spot on

Justchilling07 · 22/12/2025 07:23

BeQuirkyMintScroller · 22/12/2025 07:16

Christ Alive!! An honest man who will speak plainly and openly with you.

Not only that, but one who can still hold compassion for a woman who is no longer useful to him.

You've got a good one there OP.

Yes agree.Op, you’re getting such good advice

Sartre · 22/12/2025 07:24

His explanation was plausible. He’s clearly a deeply sensitive and empathetic person which can only be a good thing really. If he’d cried because he was sad she was getting married, then you should be concerned but it was the opposite really. I imagine he saw her go through a really tough time and he’s just happy she’s through it.

AquaForce · 22/12/2025 07:27

Oh dear. The apologists are out in force on this thread aren't they?

You know why he cried OP. It's the same reason I cried when my ex got married.
He held a torch for her. He has feelings for her. It hurts. Thankfully she's off the menu now and you have his full attention.

Owly11 · 22/12/2025 07:27

He sounds lovely - open, honest and emotional. I do understand that because it relates to his ex it makes you wary, but then maybe you also need to look inward at your own feelings and have an open conversation about it.

Sidebeforeself · 22/12/2025 07:33

Plus .. it’s Christmas. It’s a very emotional time of year. I’m not a crier either but several things have set me off lately.

safetyfreak · 22/12/2025 07:36

AquaForce · 22/12/2025 07:27

Oh dear. The apologists are out in force on this thread aren't they?

You know why he cried OP. It's the same reason I cried when my ex got married.
He held a torch for her. He has feelings for her. It hurts. Thankfully she's off the menu now and you have his full attention.

I am sure he does,

Their relationship ended because of her mental health issues. He may feel genuinely happy that she has found love, yet still carry a sense of what if and wonder if things might have turned out differently if her mental health had been better during their relationship.

justasking111 · 22/12/2025 07:41

DoreensLemonDrizzle · 22/12/2025 04:12

This.

Show quote history

Ditto

Cabinqueen · 22/12/2025 07:42

Franjipanl8r · 22/12/2025 03:12

As someone who’s cared for someone with mental health problems I’d say his reaction was completely valid. His tears were probably a mix of relief and a flashback to how traumatic that time for him was.

Tears of relief after such an awful time in his life I'd imagine. Telling you it's just emotional response is being honest with you. Not sure what else the man needs to say. Hug him, believe in him and and show your support not your annoyance. I'd be proud that he felt secure enough to tell you. You need to be secure enough to understand.

dottiehens · 22/12/2025 07:43

I am on his side on this. He was honest and it seems also a sensitive person. He must have been happy for her.

Abhannmor · 22/12/2025 07:44

DoingAway · 22/12/2025 06:40

I understand why it has freaked you out a bit. What he said has a ring of truth about it though. He may well have been carrying guilt around and he may not even have realised it, so the relief could be quite profound if this is the case.

This. There may be some residual guilt feelings. Then he is very happy for her and also a chapter of his life is finally closed. Quite a powerful mixture of emotions there.

Fleurz · 22/12/2025 07:47

Emotions aren’t controllable. It’s normal to still care for an ex even if you don’t want or can’t be in a relationship with them, It’s good he was honest with you.

Charlenedickens · 22/12/2025 07:50

I’d also be bothered by this to be honest. Someone weeping as their ex was engaged smacks to me of regret and lost opportunity.