DP cried when he found out his ex is engaged

[Wrando]

Hi, I’m not really sure how to feel about this.
DP and I have been together for 4 years, we have a baby boy together. DP almost never cries, maybe 2 times in the last 4 years and once was when we nearly broke up, another when a close friend passed away.

We both still follow our exes on social media (I know some would have an issue with this but it doesn’t bother me and I do the same). Tonight DP and I were relaxing watching tv when I noticed he was crying a little, I got worried and asked why. He was honest and said his ex had posted that she was engaged. I asked why this upset him and he told me he didn’t know and it wasn’t that he was sad it just made him emotional. I personally thought it was a bit of strange response but he said it’s just because they broke up because of her mental health and there was a time he wasn’t sure if she would even be alive 5 years later let alone engaged and happy. I get this being emotional, but he didn’t cry when his own son was born and is generally very stoic so it still felt out of character.

AIBU to be a bit freaked out by this?

Why is he even following his ex or looking her up is what I’d be more bothered about!!!

I think these are tears of relief, in all honesty. He's happy she's found someone and that she's still here to experience that happiness. I cried when I found out my very first serious boyfriend had become a Dad - he'd lost his wife and had years of infertility and then met someone else. Even back when we dated, I knew he'd make a fantastic Dad and he'd always wanted children. Eventually after years of trying to conceive, his partner gave birth to their child 3 years ago. I was happy that he'd finally got to experience being a Dad. It caught me off guard too!

He’s happy for her. She is someone he once cared for and there was clearly a time when he thought she might not survive whatever she was dealing with.

Your reaction to the situation is stranger than his.

Merry Christmas indeed!

His explanation makes perfect sense to me.

Emotions are strange. I had a panic attack when my DH proposed even though I was delighted.

I sobbed watching a random bride enter a church on her wedding while I was on holiday in Portugal, but I didn’t shed a single tear on my own wedding day.

Are you "freaked out" by the fact that your "stoic" man cried at all or is it because you think he has feelings for his ex.

Yeah, it is a bit, I dunno, girly isn't it?

Breaking up due to poor mental health is not a clean type of breakup. He still cares about her and has worried what would happen and this weighed on him, even though he's moved on in his life. He's probably a bit sad, but happy for her and that weight has lifted at least a bit. He might also feel some guilt that he didn't stick it out and moved on.

I don't think this is something to be unhappy about. His emotions are mixed and it was a complicated situation but he's made a new life with you. It's a good sign that he feels close enough with you to share his feelings, being that he's usually more stoic.

I do understand why you're freaked out. I probably would be too. But honestly, people cry for all sorts of reasons and often, tears are not about sadness.

It's completely possible that he just felt relief/closure about what sounds like a really difficult and traumatic time in his life - particularly if, when they broke up, he was scared that she'd harm herself and he'd have to live with the guilt of that. That kind of relief or feeling of an awful chapter closing can definitely bring on a sort of overwhelming rush of emotion.

My ex was a violent abuser about whom I still have vivid nightmares and I absolutely despised him. After I left him, I never so much as laid eyes on him again. About 20 years later, I discovered quite by accident that he had died, and my reaction was also to cry. Not because I was sad (I won't lie, I was actually fucking delighted; I almost opened champagne) but just because I got this sudden, overwhelming rush of adrenaline, like a sort of relief of a tension that I didn't even know had existed in the first place. It's hard to explain but somehow I just felt 'FINALLY that's a line drawn under that hideous time'.

Also, FWIW - I'm usually very, very stoical, to the point where my friends joke about how little emotion I show and how resilient I am. I almost never cry. My DP wasn't actually home on the occasion above, but he'd have been gobsmacked if he'd seen me cry because he's seen me cry maybe two or three times in the course of our entire relationship, and we've been together nearly 23 years.

He didn’t think she would make it, it sounds like he has spent years expecting a social media post of a different kind. If anything he sounds like he is still carrying some trauma or fear.

I think his explanation makes a lot of sense.

Imagine breaking up with someone because of the MH, and the guilt you'd feel wondering if they will get better or if it will eventually kill them.

Then you find out they've moved on and have got engaged.

That would be a massive relief and feel like a reprieve.

Agree. I wouldn't pick this apart tbh.

Don't over-think this.

People often cry when their divorce final document arrives -- even if they've been trying hard to get divorced. Doesn't mean they want to go back.

Wow.

I am thinking that this is not so much about residual affection he may feel (although realistically there may be some) but a complicated mix of hurt and self-esteem issues - he may be wondering why he was good enough for his ex-partner to want to get better, whether he failed her in supporting her etc.

I suspect this is about self-esteem and not feeling good enough - not for her per sé but generally. He may be worrying about being a good enough partner to you, a good enough father to his child. Do you see anxiety/examples of low self-esteem in other areas of his life, other interactions? If so, maybe what you need to explore is some counselling for him, and possibly couples counselling if recommended/

Both of your suspicious opinions say far more about each of you @safetyfreak and @AquaForce - you are judging others by your own selfish and skewed behaviours.

At first, I thought clearly he wanted to get back with her.
Then I read about the mental health and him not thinking she'd still be here. Now I think he's just relieved that she's hopefully in a good place and happy with a new partner. He was honest with you, so I'd assume he has nothing to hide. It would be emotional. He didn't run off in another room, he explained why he's crying.
Sounds like a decent person.

No it isnt 'girly' it just isn't a proportionate response to his ex getting engaged.
Tears are usually for life's challenges not ex's new relationships.
What next an ex has a baby and he has another cry?

He didnt hide his crying or the reason or why it impacted him so I think youve nothing to worry about

Yeah I'd be pretty stunned by that. Knowing what most men are like with regards to crying.

It's an excessively strong way to need to express your feelings about your ex. Unless you did have very passionate feelings for them still.

I spoke to DP about it more this evening. He said it caught him by surprise, she doesn’t post much and he often wondered if she was doing okay.
She broke up with him whilst anorexic and incredibly unwell. He said he was almost certain she would either die from not eating enough or take her own life so seeing her not only in a relationship, but looking healthy and engaged took him by surprise. He said it was more tears of joy than sadness he’s just glad she’s healthy and happy.

Maybe he is simply a lovely person who is genuinely happy someone he once loved is doing well in life after having suffered a lot.

I came to say similar. It’s a bit of a bizarre parallel to draw.

Lots of people don’t cry when a child is born for a thousand different reasons. Meanwhile, lots of people cry at news stories that just hit something in you.

Not really surprising that a man would cry at seeing the ex getting engaged in this context.

Don't be worried OP, he loved her, had a huge emotional bond - just because you split up / divorce etc. it doesn't always kill off every emotional link in the mind.

I wouldn't take it as an insult, all the happy times he spent with her flashed before his eyes in the moment and he welled up.

But, personally I'd not spend too much time following them (yours and his) on SM, what's the point, enjoy your lives and your boy and let the past go.

That makes perfect sense, he obviously really cared for her and is happy she is OK, healthy and happy.

He sounds like a good egg to me.

So, do you know what you think about this now?

Are you still freaked out?

I'm not sure you should be following each others ex's if you're not prepared for their past relationships to come into yours. Hope your man is feeling okay..