DP cried when he found out his ex is engaged

[Wrando]

Hi, I’m not really sure how to feel about this.
DP and I have been together for 4 years, we have a baby boy together. DP almost never cries, maybe 2 times in the last 4 years and once was when we nearly broke up, another when a close friend passed away.

We both still follow our exes on social media (I know some would have an issue with this but it doesn’t bother me and I do the same). Tonight DP and I were relaxing watching tv when I noticed he was crying a little, I got worried and asked why. He was honest and said his ex had posted that she was engaged. I asked why this upset him and he told me he didn’t know and it wasn’t that he was sad it just made him emotional. I personally thought it was a bit of strange response but he said it’s just because they broke up because of her mental health and there was a time he wasn’t sure if she would even be alive 5 years later let alone engaged and happy. I get this being emotional, but he didn’t cry when his own son was born and is generally very stoic so it still felt out of character.

AIBU to be a bit freaked out by this?

As well as the helpful comments about dealing with someone who has mental health problems, it could also be the type of reaction that I have experienced when something happens that brings a part of our past to a definite final conclusion, even if I had mentally been at the end point for some time.

We adopted as I kept having miscarriages. I was happy with adopted DS and had absolutely no plans to try for another pregnancy. I was at that mental end point and apparently quite happy about it. But when I realised I was probably actually physically past the point of conceiving naturally, I did have an unexpected emotional reaction. I regarded it as getting rid of the final bit of emotional baggage I didn't actually realise I was carrying.

Maybe his reaction was similar, just clearing out the emotional baggage.

She didn't say he was 'blubbing'.

She said she looked over and 'noticed he was crying a little'.

Which suggests it was more a case of a few tears rolling down his cheeks rather than 'blubbing'.

This would definitely irk me no question.

However, given how he’s explained himself and responded it sounds like he is very honest and caring. It sounds like he is processing some untapped feelings and this might not even be to do with the ex per se or his feelings for her, it could be to do with lots of things that are unprocessed within him and this was just the trigger.

There’s no point comparing what he has or had not cried at in the past, my husband and I used to be long distance and he never cried dropping me at the airport (meanwhile I was weeping) but he does sometimes cry at a film nowadays. Do I think he was more moved by the film than having to say goodbye to me? No, it’s just one of those things tears come when they come.

I really wouldn’t let this make you question your relationship but be glad he was open and honest when you asked him about it and just move on.

This. I totally understand why you’re a bit troubled by this OP but honestly it sounds like relief and it’s good he’s been honest with you. I have an ex from my late teens/ early 20s, the relationship was horrible and toxic, my ex had a really tough life with a drug addict abusive mother and an abusive father who then committed suicide, he was very troubled. I recently found how he’s totally turned his life around, has a great job, a lovely wife and a child and is very happy and settled. It did make me emotional, not because I wish it was with me, im very very happy with my husband but it was a relief to hear that someone I once cared about was doing well against the odds.

Perhaps she needs to be emotionally honest herself? Why does she have to subsume her own disquiet about this unexpected reaction?

He doesn’t shed a tear at the birth of his own son but can well up over an ex. Not a recent ex. Several years. I would expect him to be indifferent, or at most, find it a mildly interesting footnote. Not emotionally invested to the point of shedding tears.

Op I think now is a good time to both stop following your ex partners on social media. Stop keeping one foot in the past.

I have an ex I had to walk away from due to his mental health. Before that, we were engaged and planning to have a family, leaving wasn't a quick or easy decision.
I got a bit teary when I saw he was moving in with someone and taking on a step dad role. It was more like "I'm happy hes ok, but resentful I had to go through that for him to end up getting help and settling down - why couldn't he do that then, or just have let me go sooner" than "I wish it was me"

The fact he immediately told you what he was emotional about is a good sign.

Not unreasonable to feel strange about it but it speaks volumes that your DP was so honest to share this with you.

We can still feel love for our exes or care for them - it sounds like the latter in hour DPs case. Having an ex with severe mental health issues must have been hard - maybe he cried because he’s relieved she’s alive and happy in a new relationship. It could be a goodbye of sorts - she’s going to be someone’s wife. I wouldn’t necessarily say your DP is still into her.

Ask him to get his own skates on and 💍 to you 😄

Stop exaggerating! He wasn’t “blubbering”
that’s not what op said, that just your interpretation

He doesn’t shed a tear at the birth of his own son but can well up over an ex. Not a recent ex. Several years. I would expect him to be indifferent, or at most, find it a mildly interesting footnote. Not emotionally invested to the point of shedding tears.

It's not rational though.

I didn't cry at the birth of my children (I didn't realise until this thread I was supposed to!) Neither did I cry at the funerals of my much loved grandma or my dad. I did cry when my next door neighbour's husband died though and when my ex husband's grandad died. I didn't know either of them particularly well partly because I didn't actually like either of them very much!

I'd see it more as being just happy that what was essentially a best friend at some point has gone on to improve her life dramatically

The reason you subsume your emotions around things like this is because not doing so is making the situation all about you.

I'd be seriously unimpressed at a new partner making my complex feelings about my past all about him.

Hmmm this would really upset me but then I’m coming at this from the perspective of someone whose ex left for an ex they’d had on Facebook and reconnected with. We had been together for 5 years and she’d always been on his Facebook and he’d never really messaged her or anything. We’d moved from London to Norfolk to start a new dream life, new house etc and then he began an affair with her and upped and left me (and dd) never to be seen or heard from again - except signing divorce papers. So for that reason I will never be with someone who keeps contact with exes in any way whatsoever. Thankfully happily remarried now (15 years).

Agreed with this.

I wouldn't worry too much OP unless anything else happens.

Well, try look at the positives, your other half is open and truthful, this is a good thing.
Emotions are weird things and can take us by surprise too. I wouldn't dwell too much, actions speak louder and he's with you.

It just demonstrates a lack of emotional resilience imo. Cry when ill or bereaved yes, not when an ex has a new dp. I would worry about what other everyday occurrences he'd be crying about tbh.

You describe him as stoic.

Stoic doesn't mean unfeeling and to be in a relationship with that degree of mental illness would have been incredibly hard for him - especially if he then ended the relationship for his own protection, rather than because he wanted to. It would have been traumatic for him and there could be any number of very difficult memories he carries in his head where he had no choice but to cope.

To then see that every time he put her first, that he set aside his feelings of frustration, fear, anger, pain and guilt for her health and safety until he reached the point where he genuinely couldn't cope anymore and had to leave (and guilt over putting himself first at last or admitting that he couldn't cope anymore) was worth it - because she is happy. He did the right thing until he couldn't. But that was the right thing too, as she's now met somebody else who loves her.

Give him a hug later. Just because.

duplicate post

Yes. I think sometimes ppl cry just at the memories of how traumatic something was rather than because they are upset about losing the relationship. I dont think you need worry.

Are you engaged ?

It is probably just the shock and possibly relief , or maybe he wishes to be married / engaged , did you discuss this before having a baby ?

He sounds like a very genuine guy. He must have had some good times and happy memories with that woman, so the news probably brought it all back. And he probably wishes her all the best and is pleased for her. He couldn't solve her mental health problems but someone did! Don't worry about it.

This seems much more like he’s very happy she is happy than that he is crying because he isn’t with her

I agree with other posters. You are concerned it means he still has feelings for her. But in fact, it was probably a traumatic time for him and sometimes you relive things years later as a way of coming to terms with it. There are instances in my life I've relived many times in my mind just to reframe them more healthily. It doesn't mean he isn't very happy with you. I think he seems emotionally honest with you and that's promising for your future together.

I cried a couple of years back when I learned an ex I hadn't seen or really thought about in a quarter of a century had died in a hospice.

We carry this stuff with us. It's part of who we are, our past experiences and previous relationships.

Coping with someone else's mental health issues, especially where there might be possibilities of self harm as I think you suggest, leaves a profound mark.

Learning she's apparently healed and is safe will be a relief of a weight that's probably always been in his mind maybe without him even realising, and that release can be very emotional.

And it's quite understandable that he might be sad about the future he'd hoped for with her not being possible.

It's a complex mix, and I think being supportive and open and encouraging him to feel comfortable and secure talking about it will be more helpful and better for your relationship than going down the uneasy route.

Perfectly valid to say ‘I found that a bit disconcerting’. Not reasonable to do as the poster I was replying to suggested - which was to pursue fantasies of insecurity and jealousy.

But…well, if indifference is what you’d expect, it’s probably universally applicable.

Incidentally, both OH and I are friends with exes. I can’t see why we wouldn’t be, nor why either of us should object. And as that’s how I feel, I imagine it’s universally applicable.

Very weird that you feel that that’s having ‘one foot in the past’. How much of your past do you expect to erase as you go along?

Perhaps he was just happy to see she has found true happiness? A happiness that wasn't available when they were together?