For leaving my boyfriend in the frozen isle

[Sadly11]

I came to stay with him for the week to spend Christmas together (3 hours by train) Yesterday we went food shopping because he didn’t have any food in. He’s always been very clear that food shopping is super triggering for him so normally he orders online but this week he hadn’t and we were starving.

On the way he even joked that this could end badly and we might break up. Haha. Because nothing says comedy like foreshadowing your own relationship ending in the frozen isle

Anyway, we get there and he’s acting manic. He kept grabbing my chest, pulling my skirt up (not fully but still uncomfortable) he’s making gestures with his penis and making inappropriate comments, there were kids around. People noticed. Embarrassing doesn’t even cover it. I told him to stop, and he countered with loudly accusing me of being embarrassed of him which just drew more attention.

I tried to soldier on because maybe this is his coping mechanism. We’re almost done, he asks a question about which salmon we should choose. I zone out. He snaps at me, says you’re supposed to be helping, you know how hard this is for me. I remind him I have been helping but he keeps pushing. People are staring again so I say I’m not having an argument with you in the fish aisle, I will walk out if you don’t stop.

Then in the frozen aisle he snaps again at me because I said I don’t want ice cream and earlier I had said I wanted ice cream. so I just walked out. Left him there with a trolley full of food and walked back to his.
Back at his house he shuts himself away on the sofa. I went to bed alone. Today I try to talk to him, he wants to be left alone and doesn’t want to talk to me, apparently walking out was the worst thing I could have done. I abandoned him in the most triggering environment possible, what I did was shocking to him, he doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me anymore and when pushed if he wants to break up says he said he hasn’t thought about it and just wants to be left alone.
oh and it gets better, it’s my Birthday tomorrow, we had plans for him to take me to dinner, he said he won’t kick me out on my birthday (how lovely) but will continue sleeping on the sofa and I should let him know when he should drop me back off at the station.

He’s currently asleep now on the sofa. What a wonderful birthday present. He’s essentially broken up with me the day before my Birthday. I don’t know the area, it’s far too late to make any plans for either my birthday or Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll go home, I have a parcel coming to his house tomorrow morning and I’m pretty certain I’ll never be back so I think I need to stay here for that and then do the 3 hour train ride back on my Birthday, alone, to then spend Christmas alone. Plus I haven’t slept yet and my eyes are all swollen and puffy from crying so I don’t know if I fancy doing the journey back in this state.

Run

Another armchair diagnostic!

And how do you know he is ND?

Since when does being ND mean you can act inappropriately and try and grope someone in public? Since when does being a prick equal being ND?
I am so tired of this bullshit getting thrown around. I don't give a shit if you're ND yourself, you have no reason to tell me this man is ND when there is no basis for it.

People seem to forget that personality and being neurodivergent are two separate things.

I'm sick of people saying bad behaviour is ND, talk about stigma. It is really unfair.

Grabbing your chest and pulling your skirt up in a supermarket, what the hell have I just read? You need to dump this loser. I'd rather spend Xmas alone than be treated like this with public humiliation. Don't wast teats on this man. You can do so much better.

Do these service users also have learning difficulties alongside ND? Personality is separate to being ND. If you work in the biz then you should know better.

Just because you know a few doesn't mean you can speak for us all and act like that's okay. It's not. You shouldn't be in a role like that if you are actively pushing stigmatism. You should know better than to pedal this shit. Your opinion is not factual, try remember that.

These forums push more ridiculous generalisations on ND people than anywhere I've ever read. And I will call it out when I see it because it's wrong.

Can we PLEASE stop with the "he's ND" stuff!

What he is is an abusive prick! Neuro diversity does not make people abusive pricks!

He could be both.

Well possibly (doubt it!), but the point is that ND does not make people abusive pricks.

From the sounds of it OP's hopefully soon to be ex is just an abusive arse who has learned a good way to manipulate a caring woman is to lean heavily on how "triggered" he is by any behaviour he dislikes. Instead of a "typical" ND meltdown, this guy uses his shite as an excuse to repeatedly and publicly sexually assault the OP, ensuring her humiliation (punishment) for whatever transgression he believes she has made against him, on top of making other shoppers uncomfortable and being totally inappropriate around children.

These are not indicators of ND, these are indicators of abuse.

It is harmful to people with ND (of which I am, and know lots!) to say that this behaviour is because of ND. It absolutely isn't.

Those people I know with ND who are able to work, have relationships etc (as OP's ex is also able) struggle with lots of things, but they are kind people who tend to overly worry that they have made a social faux pas, or have upset someone (usually when they haven't), and worry that their behaviour is disruptive. I have seen (and had) ND meltdowns before, and none of them involved attempting to expose someone else by repeatedly lifting their skirt, or repeatedly groping someone's boobs, or being sexually inappropriate around children because we all know the difference between right and wrong!

The OP's ex is an abusive prick and people armchair diagnosing him with ND because of his abusive behaviour is stupid, probably wrong, and minimises his bad behaviour on top of being bloody offensive to the masses of actually ND people who would never act like the OP's ex did.

Stop it!

Happy Birthday 🥳 OP!!

Happy birthday OP, please let us know when you’re safely from there.

Happy birthday 💐 🎂

Let us know when you are home

I don't understand how food shopping can be triggering (where you have to make a choice) but going out for dinner (where you have to make a choice) isn't.

Dear god if he cannot handle a trip to the supermarket (I am not fond of these trips myself but crack on with it) without having an adult tantrum get rid. No good will come of pursuing this relationship.

If he was that triggered he would have sorted the problem. Doubt he is ND - just a pathetic man child with a nasty steak.

swap him out for a grown up! Happy Birthday 🎂

Happy Birthday.

I hope your parcel arrives soon and you can get out of there.

Please consider calling the police.

He was sexually inappropriate in a public setting and the police should be aware as a) he needs to know how wrong it is a stop and b) sexual deviants can escalate so it would be good the police have him on there radar.

No but seeing as ND people are people some of them will logically be abusive pricks. Just like ND doesn’t make people arseholes it doesn’t make them angels. You’re doing the same thing other people do and acting like all ND people are the same with the same symptoms of ther diversity and the same personality.

Sexually inappropriate behaviour is part of some NDities at certain levels… not at all levels, not all ND, not all ND people. But some. It’s still wrong, still not OK, nobody is saying the ND is an excuse for it they’re just saying this doesn’t sound NT.

“ Isle” was unreasonable but you did redeem yourself later on & spelt it correctly!

I appreciate all the responses, especially from those who helped me see that this wasn’t my fault. I’m on the train back now. Parcel secured.

We didn’t speak much today, before we left he said there were presents waiting for me and asked if I wanted to open them while he went to the bathroom. I didn’t respond and he muttered under his breath “why did I bother” When he came back he asked again if I wanted them and I said no thank you. In the car I explained that it would have upset me but I thanked him for the thought.

I’m unsure whether to send a message and then block or just block.

Block. Run.

I'm glad you're going home but sad for you he was such a dick.

I think I would probably just block him.

Then try and have a happy birthday. Treat yourself to something nice. Congratulations you dodged a bullet.

I’m glad you’re safe. Maybe a brief message to say it’s over, but it’s the blocking & keeping him blocked that’s the important bit.

I agree with this.

I find supermarkets extremely overwhelming. But I have a history of eating disorders, and I am autistic. BUT I just get on with it if I need to, or order delivery/ ask my husband to do it etc. if I cannot. I do not go into a shop being sexually inappropriate and blame everyone else for my terrible behaviour.

It seems quite telling that he usually orders delivery, but did not ahead of Christmas when he knew OP was coming. It feels like he was testing how much inappropriate behaviour she would put up with. Very manipulative and concerning. OP is best off out of there.

So glad to hear you have your parcel and you are on your way home!! Personally, I would send a brief message (ending it) and then block, so he has no reason to get in touch to clarify what the situation is.

Can I ask how long you were together and if you have any friends/social circle overlap? Hopefully the three hour train ride between you two means you don't and that this can be a clean break.

If you can afford it, please get counseling/therapy to understand why you were willing to ignore the giant waving red flags, and blame yourself. I did too with my ex, but I did need therapy to unpick my own vulnerabilities, and it helped me enter into a healthy relationship. Good luck, happy birthday and stay safe!

I would send and do this. Don't leave it hanging for your sake. I mean, he probably knows it's over – I bet he wasn't expecting you to actually leave and the fact you have says it all.

Now you've got three days to get yourselves some treats in for Christmas if it's too late to make arrangements to spend it with family or friends. It's really shitty that this is your birthday and Christmas this year, but you've dodged a massive bullet and you'll be thankful in the long run.

An ND meltdown causes him to be a sexual deviant? Well you learn something new everyday.