For leaving my boyfriend in the frozen isle

[Sadly11]

I came to stay with him for the week to spend Christmas together (3 hours by train) Yesterday we went food shopping because he didn’t have any food in. He’s always been very clear that food shopping is super triggering for him so normally he orders online but this week he hadn’t and we were starving.

On the way he even joked that this could end badly and we might break up. Haha. Because nothing says comedy like foreshadowing your own relationship ending in the frozen isle

Anyway, we get there and he’s acting manic. He kept grabbing my chest, pulling my skirt up (not fully but still uncomfortable) he’s making gestures with his penis and making inappropriate comments, there were kids around. People noticed. Embarrassing doesn’t even cover it. I told him to stop, and he countered with loudly accusing me of being embarrassed of him which just drew more attention.

I tried to soldier on because maybe this is his coping mechanism. We’re almost done, he asks a question about which salmon we should choose. I zone out. He snaps at me, says you’re supposed to be helping, you know how hard this is for me. I remind him I have been helping but he keeps pushing. People are staring again so I say I’m not having an argument with you in the fish aisle, I will walk out if you don’t stop.

Then in the frozen aisle he snaps again at me because I said I don’t want ice cream and earlier I had said I wanted ice cream. so I just walked out. Left him there with a trolley full of food and walked back to his.
Back at his house he shuts himself away on the sofa. I went to bed alone. Today I try to talk to him, he wants to be left alone and doesn’t want to talk to me, apparently walking out was the worst thing I could have done. I abandoned him in the most triggering environment possible, what I did was shocking to him, he doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me anymore and when pushed if he wants to break up says he said he hasn’t thought about it and just wants to be left alone.
oh and it gets better, it’s my Birthday tomorrow, we had plans for him to take me to dinner, he said he won’t kick me out on my birthday (how lovely) but will continue sleeping on the sofa and I should let him know when he should drop me back off at the station.

He’s currently asleep now on the sofa. What a wonderful birthday present. He’s essentially broken up with me the day before my Birthday. I don’t know the area, it’s far too late to make any plans for either my birthday or Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll go home, I have a parcel coming to his house tomorrow morning and I’m pretty certain I’ll never be back so I think I need to stay here for that and then do the 3 hour train ride back on my Birthday, alone, to then spend Christmas alone. Plus I haven’t slept yet and my eyes are all swollen and puffy from crying so I don’t know if I fancy doing the journey back in this state.

Call the police. He assaulted you. They will take you to a place of safety. No parcel is worth staying for

What a weirdo . I can’t imagine being groped in the supermarket and then questioning if I had done something wrong. He’s really messed with your head. Go home and get rid of this deviant and work on why you’re not running fast in the opposite direction.

IF this is true, you shouldn’t be sleeping alone in the same house as him. He’s volatile and unpredictable. You might think you know him, but he’s shown you that you don’t. No parcel is worth losing your life for, you should leave asap. Walk to the station, get a taxi or a bus, phone a friend, go to the village pub & ask for help, I don’t believe you have no options.

Mental energy picking his tea? Give over .

And then had energy to grope you?

Please please look up the freedom course. It’s not a normal response to clean someone’s house after they’ve treated you like that. You deserve better.

This is SO insane it only amplifies my earlier comment that he’s dangerous and unpredictable . You would be insane to sleep in his house tonight.

This is a horror story written by the Ghost of Christmas Future, this is how our kids will be living if we don't do something radical to protect them from the crisis of late modernity

Yeah get rid. You’ll be well shot of him. He sounds mentally unwell and a narcissist.

Please continue to keep us updated op.

Honestly I do wonder when the tragedies are reported about women being assaulted or murdered etc, how many of them come out of the blue and how many are bloody obviously just waiting to happen.

Im NOT victim blaming, before anyone starts. But just questioning why so many women have such low standards / make such poor decisions. The idea that staying in this man’s house, alone in a rural area, just because there’s a parcel due to arrive in the morning?! Bonkers. No parcel can be that valuable.

I should have said YANBU in relation to your thread title. I meant YABU in terms of spending any time dwelling on what happened and questioning if you were at fault.

Generally, I'm very empathetic and supportive of people who genuinely have problems with their mental health.

But my god, if this doesn't scream someone using (likely exaggerated) mental health as an excuse for shitty behaviour, I don't know what is.

What have I just read? Are you both 12?

Thanks for your concern. I just want to clarify that I’m not unsafe, he’s asleep/avoiding me and has repeatedly said he doesn’t want to talk to me at all. I’m mostly stuck here because of the parcel, I am leaving as soon as it arrives tomorrow morning

Why both?

He has been refusing to speak to me, our communication since getting home from shopping has been via text with me initiating. The most he’ll say to me tomorrow will be a flat happy birthday, then I’ll leave and block him. I’m not at risk, he’s going out of his way to avoid me

So what? I’m going to copy/paste from the excellent comment you just responded to, as you don’t seem to have read it. No one can make you feel anything. You are in control of your reactions to this insane behaviour. The fact you feel like you’ve done something wrong is a sign you need some help to understand appropriate boundaries and behaviours.

Why both? @theMorgenmuffel - because any remotely reasonable and sane adult would leave and get themselves home immediately after his appalling supermarket behaviour.

I pasted his message to show his mindset, there’s no “maybe we both handled this badly,” it’s absolute certainty that he’s right and I’m entirely at fault. When someone holds that line and repeats it enough you do start to doubt your own judgement even if you initially felt sure.

That said I do take the point about boundaries and responsibility for my own reactions and this has been a wake up call that I need stronger ones

Oh @Sadly11 I just want to come and give you a hug. In a few days when you are clear of this horrible situation you will be able see this message for the bullshit it is.

He used "every ounce of mental energy" doing what - squeezing your breasts and lifting your skirt?
"You left me paralysed" - hmm he managed to bring the shopping home didn't he?
"It's a really bad day to make it my fault" - it will ALWAYS be a bad day to make anything his fault.

You did nothing wrong. Hold on to that thought and tomorrow, when you get home, make sure you do something nice for yourself - watch a movie, have a bubble bath, open a bottle of wine, whatever - and congratulate yourself on moving on from this deadbeat.

He kept grabbing my chest, pulling my skirt up (not fully but still uncomfortable) he’s making gestures with his penis and making inappropriate comments, there were kids around.

That said I do take the point about boundaries and responsibility for my own reactions and this has been a wake up call that I need stronger ones

Yes OP, you bloody do need stronger boundaries as THIS is the point you should have walked out. I can't believe you ignored being sexually assaulted and carried on shopping 😳

In the history of LTB this is the most clear cut case of LTB I’ve ever seen. Run and don’t look back.

I hope you're not still texting him, give him his own silence back. SILENCE until your package arrives, then "please take me to the station" accompanied by more silence from you and then get out of the car and never look back.

I understand OP, I don't think some posters here appreciate how these kind of men get in your head over time - with the 'sob story' (read Natalie Lue) about their mental health or deep seated issues and the gaslighting, it does eat away at you and make you question yourself. Some of this is coming across as victim blaming IMO.

Please don't feel the need to defend yourself - you are seeing it now and leaving and that's the point. Just stay strong in your conviction, and don't look back.

No I haven’t text him since this morning, I’ve reminded him what actually happened in the supermarket and have left him alone as he requested

He sounds incredibly emotionally immature, mentally fragile and unable to cope with very routine ordinary things. He has to take responsibility for his own well-being rather than lashing out at you because you left him, a 40-something adult, in a frozen aisle. He needs therapy and that’s not your job. How dare he make his weird behaviour somehow your fault? There’s no way a man this messed up should be in any sort of relationship until he’s worked on his issues and can go to a supermarket without an outburst or inappropriate stuff in front of kids. He’s absolutely embarrassed himself.